He can never truly be yours
by Kimmimaru
Summary: 'He can never truly be yours, because he carries around a piece of me' He wasn't in love with James, he was obsessed with him. Sirius Black was not a man to give up a fight easily. JP/SB and JP/LE Love triangle. Smut.
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: Hey! Another James/Sirius Fic! Woo! This one will be suitably Angst filled, as is my signature, BUT this one is intended as a multi-chap! :O Shock! Please enjoy and I apologise for any delay in updating as I am also in process of writing a Sirius/Harry Time travel Fic...also, if anyone's on Pottermore, please friend me! :D (I'm in Slytherin house Inevitably.) **_WillowQuaffle25272! Please, please R&R! I needs your reviews...I'm addicted! O.o

**He can never truly be yours, because he carries around a piece of me**

_Chapter One: I die inside a little more each time you replace me_

Sirius watched. He found himself doing that rather a lot recently, but tonight was different. Tonight he was standing in the shadows and watching his best friend snogging a gorgeous red-head. He had watched for years, for years he had laughed as yet again James was shot down by her. For seven years he had watched James make a fool of himself for something he had deemed 'Love'. Sirius laughed it off, he threw his head back and laughed as if it was the funniest joke in the world, because really, love was something girls dreamed of, it was an emotion Sirius had and never would feel. Until he stood in the shadows of the silent corridor and watched James kissing Lily Evans as if she was the only person in the world, he watched and he felt something...something painful.

Of course, to truly understand what was happening he had to remember how it had all begun. He knew he would never be able to forget it either, because it had been one of the worst and best moments of his life;

He was sixteen and he knew something was wrong as soon as he walked in through the door that summer, one look at his mother was enough to tell him she had something horrendous planned for him. When they suggested Marriage Sirius scoffed, refusing the offer of the hand of a pureblood cousin, he told his mother in no uncertain terms where he stood on that particular idea...and his father had lost it.

A few days later James Potter had received a knock on his door in the dead of night, he had opened it and seen a battered and bruised Sirius leaning heavily against the door frame with a smile and a suitcase. The Potters had welcomed him with open arms and so Sirius began his life under the Guardianship of the only adults to treat him with any kindness. Of course, this was long before Sirius had decided that his feelings ran deeper for his best friend than he had first realised, it happened one cold, stormy night towards the end of August.

"Prongs, if you honestly believe that we can have a party with just the two of us, you are sorely mistaken my friend." Sirius said, he was stretched out on the sofa, his long legs crossed at the ankles and his silvery eyes watching James bringing over a bottle of Whiskey with two glasses.

"Why ever not?" James nudged Sirius' legs off the sofa and sat down before tearing the cork from the bottle and pouring a generous measure of the amber liquid into the glasses. "Peter can't come, his mother's banned him from coming over since we managed to turn his eyebrows into caterpillars. And Remus...well..." He indicated the sky outside, to any other person the gesture would have made no sense, but Sirius understood that the Bookish member of their close-knit group of friends would be locked down in his cellar, screaming as his flesh tore open beneath the light of the full moon. Sirius sighed and took the proffered glass from James.

"Alright, Prongs, you win this time. But, I propose we have a little fun while we're drinking."

James raised his eyebrow with interest. "Go on my dearest padfoot, I would be very interested in what is going on in that funny little brain of yours."

"Funny? Little?" Sirius snorted derisively. "I'm top of our year in most classes except Evans and Remus."

"Ah, except Transfiguration, may I remind you who got the best scores on that practice exam our Dear McGonagall set us?"

"That was fluke...I was tired." Sirius replied, sipping his whiskey like a professional. "No ice..." He complained, gazing into the glass in disappointment.

"If you want ice, get it yourself you lazy arsehole."

"What has my arsehole got to interest you, Prongs? Sure, it's a very nice arsehole, but I didn't think you swung that way." He smirked around the rim of his glass as he watched James bristle.

"Oh yeah, _I'm_ the Pouf! Say's the guy who was fucking MacDonald very, very loudly in the broom closet on the fifth floor." James saw Sirius' smile widen as he cocked his head to the side, making the light catch his hair and turn it blue.

"Why Jamie, I'm flattered but don't you think it's a little creepy to be stalking your best friend and recording who he sleeps with?"

"You hardly keep your various sexual conquests a secret, hell, even Moony knows what you get up to...no matter how much he tries to pretend that you're suffering from a horrendous stomach ache when you jerk off at night, he can't dismiss all those names you say."

Sirius chuckled. "Ah, but he's so delicate, it's fun to make him squirm...he's also quite cute when he blushes, if I didn't know he had been snogging Jenny Rathburn behind the green houses then I'd try it on..." He sighed dramatically, tossing his drink back in one movement, impressing James with his elegance.

"Remus is very straight, Pads." James muttered, refilling Sirius' glass and then his own. Already half the bottle was gone.

"Oh I know that, mores the pity...I bet he's a right little dirty shag." Sirius lifted his glass to the light and inspected it.

James gazed at him with wide eyes. "How would you know that?" He exclaimed.

"It's all in the eyes." Sirius replied, once again knocking back his drink and holding out his glass for a refill. "He's probably really kinky."

James found himself chuckling. "So, what would you say I am, oh great wise Guru of sexual Kinks. What do I like in bed?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow, black hair falling into his glittering eyes. His smile was slow and it revealed the tips of his canine teeth that were simply too sharp to be entirely human. "You sure you want me to tell you? It could be embarrassing for you."

James snorted. "I doubt it. No one can tell what kind of perversions a person is into just by looking in their eyes."

"Very well then Prongsy." Sirius leaned forward, his eyes on James', he had one hand on the sofa and James could feel his hot breath on his cheek. "You like to be in control." He whispered.

James shrugged. "I'm Quidditch captain, my Animagus form is a stag, I'm prideful...come on Pads, you can do better than state the obvious."

Sirius' smile widened, the smile becoming a smirk. "Bondage." He said.

"Again, that's logic, Siri." James said, smiling. He was quite drunk by now, both of them having consumed a rather large quantity of Charlus Potter's finest Firewhisky. He could almost feel Sirius moving slowly closer, those intense silver eyes suddenly flicked to his lips and he felt his breath catch in his throat as Sirius' tongue darted out and licked his own. Randomly James wandered what Sirius would be like to kiss, he frowned at the thought, what an odd thing to pop into his head...

"You like me." Sirius muttered slowly, his eyes moving from James' lips to his eyes. "You want me." It wasn't a question.

James shifted uncomfortably. "Siri...I..."

"The way you're looking at me...the way you're sat...Jamie..." He leaned closer, until their lips were brushing. "I'm game if you are."

"Is that...a challenge?" James whispered hoarsely.

Sirius' grin was roguish. "Yeah...let's see how straight you really are, Mr. Quidditch captain." He breathed. "Show me what turns you on...Let's see if you can make me cum."

James was licking his own lips, his alcohol befuddled mind desperately seeking some excuse, some way he could back away from this challenge without looking cowardly...but it came up with nothing and before he could stop himself, he let his glass fall to the floor and pushed Sirius onto his back. "You asked for it, Pads." James whispered roughly, seizing a handful of Sirius' long soft hair and yanking on it. "You'll be screaming before I'm through."

Sirius groaned, his eyes flickering. "God I hope so..." He gasped. And James was on him, his lips parted to allow James' tongue to invade his mouth and he wrapped his arms around him, holding him as close as possible while he rocked his hips against James' in a slow rhythm.

James didn't think, thinking would have been impossible with the way Sirius was hissing his name like that, and the way Sirius' fingers were tugging at his belt. He wouldn't have been able to think with his big head even if he were entirely sober. He ripped open Sirius' shirt, exposing his milky skin, he bent his head, running his tongue across tasting him, Sirius groaned heavily and he smirked as he suddenly bit down on the juncture between Sirius' neck and shoulder, the boy jerked against him, letting out a sound that sent heat stabbing into James' already pressure filled groin. "Fuck..." He muttered, licking his steady way across Sirius' bare chest until he reached those jeans. He hadn't failed to notice how tight they were, the way they hugged his hips and revealed the smooth curve of Sirius' backside, but he had dismissed it...until now. He reached down and unzipped his fly, revealing the white of Sirius' pants.

"Hurry!" Sirius growled, a deep sound that thrummed through the air and made James giggle drunkenly.

"Shush you..." He admonished. "I'm getting there." He yanked down Sirius' jeans along with his pants, freeing his erection. He gazed at it for a long moment, trying to think how he should touch him, having never actually been with another bloke before he wasn't entirely sure what he should be doing. Then he almost smacked himself, he was a guy too...he knew what felt good on himself. So he ran a finger down Sirius' length and smiled to himself when he felt long fingers tugging at his hair.

Sirius gazed down at James as his hand moved slowly up and down his erection, he groaned as pleasure drove itself deep into his skin, driving out all thought and leaving only a blissful emptiness. He wrapped his own fingers around James' and speeded up his movements, his hips moved in jerks as he pushed himself into the combined pressure of his own and James' hand. "Fuck that's...that's good..." He muttered, the fingers of his other hand gripping a pillow as if to anchor himself into reality. "Jamie..."

"Sirius..." James slowed to a stop and crawled back up to hover above his friend. He leaned down and kissed him slowly, it was a slow, wet and open mouthed kiss tasting of Whiskey and cigarettes and something deeper, some wonderfully erotic taste that was simply Sirius. He felt strong arms circle his neck and drag him closer, their kiss became much faster, their tongues tangling within their mouths as their hips ground against each other...all thoughts of their dare forgotten.

"God Sirius...god...that's...that's fucking-oooh..." James pushed fingers into Sirius' hair and pushed himself deeper into his mouth. He watched his cock disappear between those lips and groaned heavily, his eyes fluttering closed. "Fuck...f-fucking hell...oh god..."

Sirius pulled away with a soft sucking sound, he gazed up at James through dark lashes. "You're fucking noisy!" He said breathlessly.

"You're too good..." James replied, pushing him back down onto his aching cock. "Come on...please..." He whispered, canting his hips so Sirius giggled and took him into his mouth again. The fact that it was a boy sucking James' cock, should have disturbed him...the fact that it was Sirius Black making him curse and swear like a sailor should have made him run for the hills and never return...but he didn't. He didn't because for some strange, fucked up reason everything seemed so right. And that rightness increased when he felt the vicious stab of searing heat rip the breath from his lungs, he managed to prise his eyes open so when he came he was looking into Sirius' eyes.

That had been the first sexual contact either of them had had, but it had not been the last. Every moment alone they would take the chance to touch each other, their fingers so rough they left bruises. They would kiss fiercely in the dark of the common room, or hidden safety behind the heavy curtains of their beds, they would bite, scratch and rut against each other like animals. James tried not to think about what they did, because sometimes he couldn't help but feel that whatever it was that was between them was rapidly becoming something more. What that more was James couldn't explain, but something told him it wasn't going to end well...but, every time he had Sirius pressed into the mattress, every time Sirius reached up and touched his cheek and whispered his name he would lose all his self control and turn into a beast.

It wasn't until Christmas that James took it further. He had no idea what possessed him, but he was drunk and angry...Lily had humiliated him yet again and he needed something...someone to take his frustration out on and there he was, a readymade target.

Sirius Black was sat in a chair, his legs curled beneath him as he read a book, he held a quill in one hand and every so often would scratch something on a peice of parchment that lay on the arm of the squashy armchair. James strode towards him and stood there, arms folded across his chest as he glared angrily down at his best friend. "One moment, Mr. Prongs..." Sirius muttered, his brow creasing in concentration as he bent to write something...

James reached down and snatched the parchment from beneath the quill, Sirius spilt ink all over himself and the chair, he leapt to his feet with a loud curse and sent several timid first years running for the dorms. "Fuck! James what the hell was that for?" Sirius gazed up from his ink stained robes, and saw James glaring at him darkly.

"Upstairs! Now." James ordered, and, before waiting for an answer he turned on his heels and walked away. Sirius frowned and swore again as he shook blue ink from his hands and followed his friend up the stairs.

"James, what is wro-mmm..." Sirius felt James' lips against his own, he was slammed roughly into the wall, where he smacked his head. He felt hands tugging his shirt from his trousers and tried to grab his hands but James jammed his leg between Sirius' thighs and made him still.

Finally the Chaser pulled away, gasping. His fury was palatable. "What the fuck were you doing with that git Lucan Harris?" he demanded.

Sirius was panting, trying not to wince as James' knee ground against him. He had both hands on James' shoulders, as if to hold him at bay. "Wha-what?" He rasped, his mind sluggish.

"You were with Lucan, the Ravenclaw...I saw you in Hogsmeade!"

"S-so?" Sirius managed, wincing. "What's it to you? He was a good fuck..."

James slammed his fist into the wall beside Sirius' head and leaned close so his lips brushed his friends. "I don't want to see him near you." He muttered, running the back of his hand down Sirius' face. "He touched you...so I need to erase that touch from this...skin..." He ran his tongue slowly up Sirius' neck and made him groan.

"God James...are you jealous?" Sirius let his eyes fall half closed as he smiled.

"No..." James replied mulishly. "Not jealous..."

"Then why are you-ahh..." James shoved his fingers into Sirius' rapidly tightening trousers. "Why are you...bringing him up?"

"Because I want you."

"Y-You have me...I'm at quite the disad-ah-vantage..."

"Just shut up and let me see what the fuss is all about." He turned Sirius around so his front was pressed into the wall as James yanked his trousers to his knees.

"Whoa!" Sirius' eyes widened. "What are you...?"

"Shut up." James demanded. "Or I'll gag you...now, let me see what everyone is so obsessed with..." He ran a finger down Sirius' backside and watched his fingers tighten into fists as he pressed his hands into the wall.

"Get on with it then Prongsy, wouldn't want to keep you waiting." Sirius muttered, his voice holding a bite of venom, even as James grabbed his hair and yanked his head back.

It wasn't at all what Sirius had expected, James was rough, it was sweaty, hot breath, searing tongues and tight fingers...but he was groaning, his breathe ragged as James ripped it from his lungs as he thrust deep. Sirius tried to stay upright, leaning most of his weight on the wall, pressing his forehead into the cool stone, but it was so good his knees went weak and he could hardly hold himself up. James pushed him onto his back, so he was lying on the floor. Sirius grabbed him, dragging him down on top of him, their groans filled the room, the musky scent of sex filling the air and perfuming it.

"Fuck...oh-fuck...Siri-Sirius..." James gasped, revelling in how tight and hot his friend was, he moved erratically, soon losing all semblance of rhythm as his orgasm approached with the force of teh Hogwarts Express.

Sirius felt him coming, he arched his back off the floor, pulling on James' hair as he was filled and was suddenly shoved violently off the edge and into his own intense orgasm.

From their Sirius could feel himself falling, he ignored the warning signs. He began to recognise a pattern, James would come to him angry, his hazel eyes glowing with an animalistic fierceness that sent Sirius toppling over the edge of sanity. Logic held no place in their sticky, sweaty, beautifully wet and gorgrous encounters. Common sense was something long forgotten when Sirius felt James' tongue on his throat, his teeth on his shoulders, his fingers digging into his hips. Nothing mattered when James came inside him, whispering his name into the velvety black night...and by the time he realised what had happened it was all too late...


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: Chapter two! So, I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter, and I am, as always, so grateful for your reviews! _Carina _Thanks for that wonderful praise! Unfortunately I can't thank you via PM because you have no signed in, so I will use this AN. :) Hope you keep enjoying and keep reviewing! Love! (I apologise for the jumpiness, I just wanted to get to their seventh year asap, while giving a little history as to why they're making like rabbits etc.)_

_Chapter Two: "I understand that there is nothing I can do. I can't be what he needs as long as he needs you."_

The first time Sirius realised something was wrong was a month into their sixth year. James was nowhere to be seen when Sirius went looking for him, he searched the library and found Remus studying. "Moony..."

"Hullo Sirius, what's wrong?" Remus asked, looking up from his work.

"Just looking for James."

"Last I saw of him he was down at the Quidditch pitch."

"Thanks." Sirius went to the pitch, there was no sign of anyone in the air so he frowned and walked away, but then he heard girlish laughter coming from the changing rooms. He turned and moved towards them.

"James! Stop it!" The girl whispered. "We'll be caught."

"No we won't...no one's reserved the Pitch until this evening...we're fine..."

The silence was heavy as Sirius moved towards the door, he lifted his hand and pushed the door open slowly. He was greeted by the sight of James snogging a girl, she had short blond hair and Sirius could see James' hand up her skirt. He wasn't sure what he should be feeling, James had never given him any reason to believe that what they were doing was anything more than purely sex, but seeing him with this girl made fury lick his insides. He stepped back, the door creaking shut and he turned on his heel and almost ran up to the castle.

By the time he reached the common room he was panting, his hair fell over his eyes as he stepped into the room and began trudging up the stairs to the Dorms. His heart beat furiously in his chest and he was full of an almost uncontrollable anger as he slammed the door closed and kicked his trunk, with a huff he threw himself down onto his bed.

When James entered the dorm it was to find Sirius lying on his bed and glaring up at the canopy. "Sirius, what are you doing up here? I didn't see you at Dinner..." He moved closer to the bed when he didn't get an answer.

Sirius clenched his hands into fists and fought a rapidly losing battle with the urge to punch his best friend. He kept silent.

"Are you alright?" James asked, sitting on the bed. "Hey? Siri...?"

"Fuck off, Potter." Sirius hissed, pushing away James' hand as it rested on his thigh. He sat up and glared at him. "Don't touch me!"

"What? Why?" James looked bemused as he eyed his friend warily. "What have I done?"

Sirius couldn't stop it, the words spilled from his lips and before he knew it he was shouting. "I saw you! I saw you with that girl..."

"You mean Sandra?" James chuckled. "Thought you were Gay mate, didn't think she interested you."

Sirius growled. "I am gay, James. You know I am." He muttered.

"Then what's the problem? Sirius, you know I'm straight."

Sirius opened his mouth but snapped it shut again before slumping back down and turning his back on his friend. "Just...just leave me alone." He muttered.

"Alright, if you don't want to talk about it..."

The next evening James stumped into the dorm spattered in mud, his broom over one shoulder and his Quidditch Robes sopping wet. He sighed as he dumped his broom on the floor and made his way to the bathroom, when he heard mutters...soft words...and moans.

"Merlin, Black, you're good..."

James froze, his eyes widened as he turned to the only bed with the curtains drawn.

"T-There...right fucking-oh god...!"

He heard the sounds, the soft rocking of the bed, the heavy breathing and the sound of sloppy kisses. Sirius' voice was ragged, it reminded James of so many heated encounters in the blackness of the night...

"More..."

"Is that...nnn...is that good?"

"Y-Yeah..."

"So fucking good!"

The rocking motion of the bed speeded up, James was frozen to the spot, unable to help his body's unfortunate reaction to the sounds coming from the bed. He swallowed, he could almost see Sirius in his head, those muscles pulled taught as he throws his head back, his fingers digging tightly into flesh, that mouth whispering his name...

The cry that filled the room made James shiver, he turned and went to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him quietly before shedding his clothes and stepping into the shower. He turned on the cold water and stood perfectly still with his eyes closed, he began determinedly trying to imagine McGonagall in her knickers...until arms wrapped themselves around his waist and he felt hot breath on his ear.

"Taking a cold shower without me, Jamie?"

James shuddered at the husky voice of his best friend. "Yes...and I want to continue it...go say good bye to whoever it was you were shagging..."

"He's gone..." Sirius whispered, his hands creeping lower down James' abdomen. "But it looks like you could use some help..."

"No. I can take care of it...just go." James turned around and glared at his friend who was smirking in that infernally annoying way he had. To his surprise Sirius moved forward, he reached behind James and turned the hot water on.

"That's much better." He said with a smile. "So, want to scrub my back?"

James tried to be angry with him, he did. But the way Sirius stood so close, the brush of skin against his...it was all too much and before James could think he had slammed Sirius against the wall and they were kissing passionately.

Sirius couldn't stop it. He was in free fall and had no parachute to slow his rapid descent, when James stood in common room arguing with Lily Evans about his latest attempt to woo her, Sirius laughed it off, he knew Lily hated James, so he wasn't afraid...

That was until their seventh year. It began on their final trip to school, James had received his Head Boy badge, he had pinned it proudly to his chest but when Sirius saw the gold and crimson badge glinting innocently at him he wanted nothing more than to rip it off. James had been changing slowly, no one had failed to notice his slow growth into adult hood, most complimented him on it, telling him they were glad he had matured. Except Sirius. Sirius hated this new, grown up James. He hated that he would no longer ruffle his hair up at the back so he looked as if he had just stepped off his broomstick. He hated the way James had a tendency to push him away when Sirius went to kiss him, and though he didn't do this often it was becoming far too much for Sirius' liking. What happened on the Hogwarts Express on the First of September 1977 was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back...

Sirius was sat in the compartment with Peter who was trying to engage him in conversation, he yawned as he tried to put him off, but the round boy was determined to aggravate him. "Wormtail, if you don't shut up right now I'll feed you to Mary's cat!" He snapped after half an hour on near constant inane drivel.

Peter slumped lower in his seat, looking sulky. "I only wanted to talk..." He muttered.

"Well, talk somewhere else, I'm not in the mood." Sirius replied. There was silence for a few blissful moments before James and Remus returned, Sirius perked up, a huge grin spreading across his face as James slid into the compartment.

Immediately Sirius had the impression something wasn't right, then James plucked a pretty girl from thin air, her bright green eyes gazed at Sirius and Peter and she smiled. Sirius' own slipped from his face as James sat at her side, he gazed at her through his hair and a small frown on his face. "Evans said she wanted to sit with us." James said with a smile, and Sirius felt his stomach drop out of him. His heart stuttered and almost stopped as he saw Lily send James a small, hopeful smile.

"Why?" He blurted, gazing at Lily with an angry expression. "Why do we want Miss Know it all in our compartment?"

"Sirius!" Remus said with a scandalised voice. "Be a bit more respectful."

Sirius leaned against the back of his seat, sweeping hair from his eyes with a glare at Lily. He did as asked and said nothing else for the rest of the journey, when they arrived at Hogsmeade he grabbed his stuff and left without his friends. He got a carriage with a bunch of chatty Ravenclaw's and went up to the castle with them. At the Welcome feast he sat at the end of the benches and picked at his food, sending each carrot a glare that should have set it on fire. He could hear James laughing at every little thing Lily said and it made him sick, eventually he pushed his plate away and waited for Dumbledore to dismiss them. When he did he was the first on his feet, he spotted Remus standing and calling the First Years to him, he walked to his side. "What's the Password?" He asked.

Remus glanced at him. "Grouse...but why? You could have just asked James?"

"No...Thanks." He patted Remus on the shoulder and walked away. He took the passageways, in the hopes of avoiding James and Lily, but when he emerged outside the portrait he saw them together. James was smiling in a way that he had never smiled at Sirius, his eyes sparkled behind his glasses as he gently touched Lily's hand. Evans blushed at the contact and said something too softly for Sirius to catch, he was frozen to the spot not sure if he should interrupt or walk away...then he heard the loud voices of others and moved forwards.

"Hey, Sirius, what's wro-.."

Sirius walked straight past James, not even sparing him a glance as he hissed the password to the Fat Lady and climbed into the common room. He couldn't understand this horrible tight feeling in his chest, it was as if a fist was closing around his heart and suffocating him. He stormed up the stairs to the dorms and threw himself on his bed, growling in anger and punching his pillow. After a little while the others came up to bed, each wishing him a goodnight, he didn't respond at all except for angrily grabbing his bed curtains and yanking them shut.

He wasn't entirely sure when he had fallen asleep, but something woke him...he opened his eyes to see moonlight lighting his bed. When he rolled over he found himself looking into concerned Hazel eyes. "Shh." James whispered, climbing into his bed and drawing the curtains shut behind him. He pushed Sirius onto his back and looked down at him. "What's wrong?" He muttered.

Sirius tried to push him away, but James' hand was so gentle when it slid through his hair and down his neck. Slowly his struggles weakened and he gave in to his friends gentle, teasing touches with a soft sigh. "Nothing..." He whispered, seeing only James in the darkness, seeing only him and wanting nothing else, ever. "Nothing at all..." He drew James down to his lips and he kissed him gently. He decided, as James slipped his tongue between his lips, that if Evans wanted him she would have to pry him from Sirius' cold dead fingers...because he was not going to give up this wonderful perfection, not for anyone.

James's mouth was fire. His fingers ice. And they flooded Sirius' veins and filled him with intense desire, he wanted nothing more than to sink into his embrace and drown. His breathing was heavy as James left a trail of burning kisses across his torso, he gasped as fingers gripped his skin to leave tiny bruises behind and when James looked at him and smiled he was gone.

As the night drew on James' ministrations were leaving Sirius little more than a gasping, moaning, sweaty mess and he was loving it. His hands were pinned above his head as James moved in a steady rhythm, heat and pleasure exploded in his stomach making him mutter obscenities into the darkness, James' voice was rough and he shook with the effort it took him to keep from being too brutal. When they came it was together. It was tongues, teeth, bruising fingers and sharp moans. It was heat, sweat and that sharp exquisite pleasure that twisted their guts to leave them empty and sated.

Afterwards James climbed off of Sirius who was still breathing hard, semen staining his chest and dripping down his thighs in an uncomfortable sticky mess, he lifted himself onto his elbows and watched James grab his pyjama's before sliding off. "Where are you going?" Sirius asked hoarsely.

"To my bed, Siri." James replied sharply and left Sirius feeling cold and lonely.


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN: Oh the convoluted plot of this story! :O Poor Siri! I would hug him. :( Please R&R and as always love to you my readers, I am excited about this story and I hope you are too. (Wrote this to the Brokeback Mountain theme music...lovely song.)**_

_Chapter Three: "Do you still love me? I won't tell her if you do."_

The week passed slowly, so slowly the hours seemed to crawl past at a torturous pace that threatened to make Sirius scream with frustration. He was forced to sit back and watch James slowly pull away, memories of those sweet, painful nights haunted him even as he sat in a dark corner of the common room watching James laugh and smile at Lily. It was more painful that Sirius could say, he knew that he was losing him, and the thought was killing him. When he watched Lily reach out and touch James, Sirius felt anger and jealousy flare within his breast, searing his body until he was forced to walk away.

One blustery evening Sirius sat by Remus as they worked on their homework, the common room was quiet except for the odd burst of laughter from a cosy corner containing Lily and James. Sirius kept looking up and over at them, his silver eyes narrowed. "If you don't like it, go study in the library." Remus muttered softly.

"No...It's fine." Sirius replied with a dark frown as he turned back to his parchment. James laughed again, and he heard the whisper as clear as day.

"Want to go to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

Sirius suddenly jumped to his feet, stuffing his work into his bag furiously. "I think I will go to the Library after all." He muttered and swung his bag over his shoulder.

"Sirius! Sirius, wait!" Remus ran to catch him up, putting a hand on his arm. "I'll come with you."

"Whatever."

That night Sirius returned to the dorms alone, Remus insisting he needed to stay behind to finish his work. When he pushed the door open to the dorms he found James lying on his bed and reading, he looked up and smiled. He was shirtless, his hair sticking up at all angles and his glasses lopsided. Sirius gazed at him for a long time in silence, absorbing all the tiny details; the soft line of downy hair that lead down into his trousers from his belly button, his muscles, toned from so many tough Quidditch practices and best of all that cheeky smile that had managed to get some of the most prudish girls into bed. They were alone, Sirius noted and he was glad for it, he didn't think he could handle having to listen to James go on about his red-head without exploding. The fact that he may be falling in love with James wasn't something he wished to even contemplate, to him love was a joke, simply a word to cover the more animalistic emotion of lust, to Sirius Black Love was a lie and an evil one at that. After a moment he walked to his bed and threw his bag down before kicking off his shoes, when he slipped his shirt off James spoke.

"You don't like Lily do you?" His voice was steady but there was a hint of irritation behind it.

Sirius made sure to keep his back to him. "What makes you say that, Prongs?" He said in a voice he hoped sounded calmer than he thought it did.

James made an impatient noise and Sirius heard him shifting. "The fact that you won't talk to her, that you keep avoiding me and her when we're together...come on, Pads, you've made it very clear you hate her."

"Oh really?" Sirius muttered as he stripped his trousers off, ignoring the feeling of James' eyes on his back.

"Yes, really! Merlin! Anyone would think that you were jealous..." The pause made Sirius shudder. "Y-You're...not...are you?" James whispered.

Sirius tensed, the muscles in his shoulders going rigid. His answer came too slow. "No...No I'm not Jealous, Potter." He silently cursed his voice for trembling.

James fell silent, gazing at Sirius' back. "I'm not gay Sirius."

Sirius' fingers clenched on his shirt. "I know that!" He snapped, suddenly spinning around to face his best friend. His eyes glittered oddly, his fringe falling elegantly into them and even James would admit that he was absolutely stunning, even as the candle light fell across his pale skin turning it a soft gold.

"Then what's the problem? You're acting really weird."

Sirius gazed at him, he took a step closer but faltered. "No I'm not."

"You are. Even Moony's noticed...Sirius, we're worried about you...I'm your best friend..."

Sirius winced violently at that. "Yeah, friend...I know." He muttered in a rough voice, unable to help taking another step closer. As he looked at James, sat there shirtless with his wonky glasses and silly messy hair, he realised just how much he wanted him. The idea that they could be together made his heart race, the simple thought of falling into James' arms and kissing him, slowly and passionately, made his body tingle and his face flush. He wanted to be more than friends...he realised, with a sickening jolt that he wouldn't be content to simply be friends with James. "James I..." He paused again, watching James raise an eyebrow. He averted his gaze, confused by his own racing heart and tight chest.

"What?"

"N-Nothing...It's...nothing...I..." Sirius shook his head slowly. "What the fuck am I doing?" He laughed bitterly and turned away.

"Are you sure you're alright?" James had stood up and he moved closer to Sirius who seemed to be struggling with something. When he touched his shoulder, Sirius whirled and pushed him into the bed post, their lips were crushed against each other as Sirius gripped handfuls of James' hair and their breaths were captured by hungry mouths. James grabbed Sirius' shoulders, holding him tightly, his nails digging pink crescents into his pale skin as their tongues danced. "Christ, Pads!" James gasped between hot kisses, Sirius moved to his throat, biting and licking his way across James' skin. He tasted like cinnamon and soap and salt, and Sirius couldn't have imagined anything sweeter or more addictive. James' glasses had been knocked even more askew, his eyes half closed and he licked his lips before managing to regain enough self control to push Sirius away. "Wh-What are you doing?" He muttered, looking into those dark silver eyes.

Sirius lifted a hand and ran a finger down James' neck. "No idea." He croaked. There was a long moment of silence before Sirius sighed and stepped back, still tasting James on his lips. "Do you know how hard it was for me to come out?" He said slowly, sinking onto the bed and running fingers through his hair as he gazed blankly at the carpet.

"Yeah, I remember I was there when you told us." James replied sitting next to him. "But what does that have to do with us?"

Sirius shook his head, frowning. "I spent a good year in terror of what you would think of me, worrying about what would happen if I told you...I was shitting myself almost literally. I spent a good few weeks throwing up out of pure fear...some Gryffindor I am, huh?" He gave James a rueful smile. "Did I tell you about my first time?" James shook his head. "It was fourth year, I was fourteen and drunk...the guy was fifth year...I won't say names but he was a Slytherin. We were in the prefects bathroom and he said that he could give me some more whiskey, and me being young and stupid I followed him...when he tried to kiss me I freaked out, but...I had never found girls all that interesting before and the bloke was pretty nice looking, so eventually I gave in...it hurt." He laughed softly, burying his face in his hands. "It really fucking hurt. But it was the only thing that had really turned me on...that was when I realised why I wasn't interested in the girls, I realised why, when Alice Harlow showed me her breasts, I actually felt a little ill..." He sighed heavily. "After that encounter I began to explore my new found sexuality, but every time I thought about what could happen if I was caught, every time I pictured the looks on yours and everyone's faces if they found out I was so disgusted with myself I ended up running to the bathroom. It took a whole year before I finally told you guys, and even then I could hardly bring up the courage..."

"Why...why are you telling me this?" James asked slowly.

"Don't know." Sirius shrugged and fell backwards onto the bed. "I think I...I...Like it." He whispered slowly.

"Like what?"

"I-I like...you...I mean..." He closed his eyes. "I like what we do...together..."

James had to think that one through slowly. "So...you're saying that you don't want to stop?" He said carefully.

Sirius sighed. "It doesn't matter does it? What I want will never come into it...the way you look at her...the way she looks at you...it...it's..." He clenched his jaw, curling his hand into fists and resting his arm across his eyes. "Fuck..." He sighed.

"Sirius..." James pulled his arm away from Sirius' eyes. "I love Lily Evans." He said firmly and the pure agony that flashed across Sirius' face was heartrending, he suddenly wished he could take it all back. "Are you...Sirius, are you in love with me?"

Sirius went still his eyes darkening. "No. Not love, never love."

James sighed and shook his head. "You'll die alone with that attitude."

"And who would care?" Sirius countered as he sat up. "Not my family, that's for sure. My mother was perfectly outraged when she heard that I was gay, positively threw a tantrum. My back ached for weeks after that one...father being a dab hand with that belt of his."

James pulled a face. "Yes, but you escaped all that."

"Did I?" Sirius looked at him, eyes full of some unidentifiable emotion as he lifted his hand and straightened James' glasses, he leaned close until he felt James' breath on his face. "Peter's attitude should be proof of what I have to put up with around this school...just because you and Remus accepted it, doesn't mean everyone did."

"People are bullying you?"

Sirius shrugged. "Not particularly, or at least not after I hex their mouths shut..." His smirk was wicked as he pressed his lips against James', slowly sliding his hand into his hair and pulling his body close. "I can look after myself, James. I'm a big boy." He slid his free hand down James' chest, pausing on the waist band of his trousers. "I don't ever want her to touch you...not like this..." He breathed as he kissed him again, slowly, his tongue darting out to lick at James' lips so they parted and his own tongue slipped out to meet Sirius' on instinct. "Only I want to see your face as you cum...Only I want to feel you inside me." His breathing was ragged, barely controlled as he grabbed James' hand and slid it into his trousers, he groaned at the contact and watched his friends pupils dilate. "Fuck me, James...one last time..."

James sucked in a sharp breath as Sirius' fingers tightened around his rapidly hardening penis. "Sirius..." He muttered, tipping his head to the side and kissing the other with much more fervour. He pushed him away slightly and looked into his eyes before sighing and giving in to his raging hormones.

The bed creaked beneath them as they moved together, Sirius arched his back, moaning heavily and closing his eyes. "Yes..." He whispered, fingers digging into James' sweaty back as he wrapped his legs more firmly around his waist, drawing him deeper. "James..." His voice came out sounding rough and when James leaned down and kissed him he could feel nothing but pure bliss. He gasped into James' mouth, his fingers tangling in his hair as he moved his hips to meet his lovers. He begged for more, his voice leaving him in harsh gasps, he left trails of soft kisses across James' jaw and pulled on his hair roughly, James' hands were like flames, hot and fierce as they caressed his burning flesh.

James moved slowly, his eyes open as he gazed into Sirius'. He swore softly as he felt his lover moving, their breathing timed perfectly with each agonising thrust, in these moments Sirius became his world, he even forgot Lily's smile. When he drew close he grabbed handfuls of Sirius' hair, his hips moving in rapid thrusts, he groaned as their tongues met and he swallowed his own name, which seemed to be the only thing Sirius could remember. Their bodies trembled and Sirius made a strangled noise in his throat as his kiss became sloppy, his fingers dig painfully into James' shoulder blades and his whole body went rigid.

"Yes...yes...yes..." He moaned, his eyes snapped shut and he threw his head back as James gasped into the hollow of his throat. They came together panting hard as semen shot between their sweat slicked bodies.

"Fuck...oh fuck, Siri..." James muttered into his ear as he collapsed on top of him, his orgasm still pulsing through his veins and making him tremble. "God..."

"James..." Sirius sighed as he relaxed slowly, he ran his fingers up James' spine as hot breath tickled his neck. He closed his eyes, allowing the bliss to fill every inch of his being, a small smile touched his lips as he felt James kissing his sweaty temple, with a soft hum he turned his head and accepted James' kisses, still smiling that soft, content smile that only James had ever seen on his face.

When he opened his eyes, he was gazing into hazel eyes glittering softly in the dark but they weren't filled with the same soft shine he had seen when he had looked at Lily...and with a horrible, sickening twist of his stomach Sirius realised that James would never touch him like this again. His hands stilled on James' face as this realisation crashed over him, he took a shuddery breath as his eyes widened. He didn't want to end it. He couldn't stand the thought of ever having to let this go. He hated the thought of James sleeping with another...

"No." He whispered softly, leaning towards James to kiss him, but he was pushed away as James sat upright leaving him feeling cold and slightly used. "James..."

"Stop it, Padfoot." James replied, he had his underpants in his hand and kept his back on his friend. "You said last time...this is the last time I'll ever let this happen."

The cold tone made Sirius shiver as sweat dried on his skin and James' semen ran down his thighs. He sat up slowly, feeling that normally wonderful ache in his lower back...but it didn't comfort him this time. "James...please..."

"No, Sirius! I told you, this was the last time. I'm in love with her, I...I want to be with her and I can't do that if I'm fucking you."

Sirius felt the cold drive itself into his heart, slowly he sat upright and slid to the side of the bed, his head was low as he hid behind a curtain of ebony hair. "Ok..." He whispered hoarsely. "I understand...of course, the great James Potter can't possibly be seen fucking his best mate." He hissed the words bitterly as pain lanced through his chest. "Wander what she would think to this, huh? Reckon she'd be impressed to know that her boyfriend had been shagging a bloke for a year?" He looked up with a sneer on his handsome face. James gazed at him with wide eyes. "If I shame you that much, Potter, why did you let it come so far? If you feel nothing for me, why did you let me seduce you? But I suppose I was just an experiment, a way for you to explore new territory...I can live with that. But can you live with the knowledge that Lily Evans may not take kindly to knowing what we've been doing?" He stood, completely naked, covered in sweat and semen but looking absolutely beautiful. His hair was a wild tangle that matched the fierceness of his silver eyes, they were like daggers and James found himself speechless. "Nothing to say? I suppose you'd better get used to it...You'll be having even less to say when she finds out." His smile was sly and much too Slytherin for James' comfort, he had never been the object of Sirius Black's anger before, and he had laughed when people who were became frightened but now he was on the receiving end he felt chills down his spine.

"You wouldn't dare tell her!" James snapped suddenly, jumping to his feet and glaring at his friend.

"Oh wouldn't I? Why would I lie to your lady friend? I'm sure she would want to know the truth..."

"And what is the truth, Black?"

"That her boyfriends a liar." Sirius' cold tone made James flush with fury.

"What? I haven't lied to anyone!"

"You're lying to yourself right now, you prick!" Sirius shouted, finally losing his patience. "You think I'm stupid? You love fucking me! I can see it in your eyes! Those moans, the way you use me...I know you enjoy it! You're not as straight as you like to think you are, Mr. Quidditch Captain!"

James snorted derisively. "Oh yeah? Then what If I were to tell everyone you fucked one of your cousins?"

Sirius was already pale with fury, but at that what little colour he had left drained from his face. His eyes seemed suddenly to glow in the dimness of the room. "You wouldn't fucking dare!" He hissed.

"Oh wouldn't I? Not so different from the rest of your inbred family, are you Black?" James smirked triumphantly.

Sirius licked his lips. "No...no I guess not. I suppose Slytherin blood does run through my veins...but it does with yours as well. Your mother was a Black as you know damned well."

"I do. But she married a Potter...what are you going to do? End up fucking your own brother next?" James' sneer almost matched Sirius'. "Of course, you'd both enjoy it..."

Sirius seemed to snap. He drew his fist back and punched James in the face, when he fell backwards with a cry of shock, Sirius was on him, pinning his arms down with his knees and his wand pointing directly into James' face. "Shut your mouth, Potter!" He hissed through clenched teeth, "Or I'll shut it for you, understand me?"

"You wouldn't." James replied, his eyes narrowed. "Go on, I dare you! Curse me and prove to the whole fucking world how much you really are like your incestuous family! Then you can go an-..."

Sirius leaned down and kissed James hard on the lips. "Fuck you. Fuck you." He gasped, yanking at James' hair as he was rolled onto his back. "Piss off you...mmm...Fucking...jerk..." He gasped when he felt hands grabbing his erection; he hadn't even noticed it until he had kissed James. Nails scraped down his chest revealing long bloody lines as James ground his hips into his own. Fingers tangled in hair, teeth bit at skin and lips, their breath came in sharp gasps as they cursed each other between kisses. Sirius wasn't expecting it, it took him so off guard he almost screamed as his second orgasm was ripped from him. He spilt his seed all over their tangled bodies as James followed. Afterwards they lay in a pile of limbs gasping and staring at the ceiling. Sirius closed his eyes as James stood on shaking legs, his hand covered in semen. Neither of them looked at each other as they went to wash, Sirius felt empty, his heart ached painfully and as he stood in the shower he leaned against the cool tiles and gazed up at the ceiling feeling his eyes burn.


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: Sorry! I know, I'm a bad author for keeping suck loyal readers waiting...but I have been ill and haven't had time to write, but I do hope this chapter more than makes up for my absence. Forgive me! :( _

_Chapter Four: "When you look into her eyes, when you tell her you love her, does it send a shiver up your body that makes you think of me?"_

Over the next few weeks Sirius and James stopped speaking to each other. Remus and Peter tried asking what was wrong but only got surly silence in response; Sirius avoided all contact with James. He ate alone, he spent his time utterly alone, because it was far less painful than watching James and Lily slowly draw closer.

That was until Lily and James had their first argument. Sirius watched from his dark corner in the common room, the pair were screaming at each other, James' eyes blazing with anger and Lily's hair seeming to crackle with energy.

"You stupid twat, James Potter! What gave you the idea that we were a couple? I never promised anything!"

"I thought you wanted me!"

"I thought you had grown up...obviously I was mistaken." She huffed and turned away, red hair swinging as she stormed up to the girls dorms.

"Fine! Fine then..." James' voice trailed off and he cursed as he kicked a chair, when he lifted his gaze his eyes met Sirius'. James swallowed his anger and stepped towards him. "Sirius...?" He began softly.

Sirius looked into those hazel pools and stood. "Astronomy Tower." He replied softly, his face giving nothing away of his feelings.

The walk was done in silence and seemed to take forever, but finally they reached the spiralling staircase that led to the tower and followed it upwards. When they reached the top Sirius gazed out across the shadowed grounds as early evening crept in, the wind was chill and bit at his exposed hands as he walked to the parapet and looked down. "Funny how everything looks so tiny when you stand above it." He said slowly. He felt James at his back but ignored him, treating him with cold indifference. "I used to like coming up here...I'd bring some of my lovers here too and we'd fuck and I'd be able to see the stars." He looked up at the sky where the first star had peeked out from behind the clouds. "So...you want me to comfort you?" He said slowly, still speaking in that strange blank, emotionless voice.

"Sirius...I...wanted to apologise." James said slowly, he was staring at Sirius' back.

"Apologise? What for?" Finally he turned and stared at his best friend, the only man he would kill and die for. "You don't care for me, not like you do her. Go back and apologise to the person you want to...I don't want your pity, James. I never wanted anything from you except..." He trailed off with a strained smile.

"Except what? What do you want from me?" James stepped closer, looking into Sirius' eyes and searching for something, some remnant of the emotion he had shown before he had grown close to Lily.

Sirius cocked his head to the side and sighed softly. "I want everything James." He said with a sad smile. "I want you."

James swallowed. "We can't..."

Sirius turned away again. "Then why did you want to talk?"

"I don't like it."

"Like what?"

"I don't like this distance between us, Siri. We've been best friends for years, I can't imagine my life without you...can't we...can't we go back to what we were before?"

Sirius sighed heavily. "I've always liked the stars..." He muttered absently. "They're cold and distant, but there's no judgment there. They sit there, sparkling and look down on everyone equally...Muggle, Wizard, gay and straight...everyone's the same beneath the stars..."

"Just answer me."

"Fine." Sirius turned his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "We can never be what we were, James, you know we can't. It's too complicated...there's too many feelings between us...we'll destroy each other." He felt the pain of his words, but he knew it was true, his feelings for James and the jealousy he felt towards Lily would end up ripping them apart.

There was silence between them for a long minute, a silence pregnant with unspoken truths. Finally James broke it, his voice made harsh by his own emotion. "I want my best friend back!" He said, moving forward and grabbing Sirius' shoulders. "I want the guy who helped me paint the corridors crimson and gold, I want the guy who decided to turn Snivelly into a giant muffin just because he could! I want Padfoot back!"

James was so close that Sirius could smell him, he could see the pain in his hazel eyes and his heart clenched in pain. "James..." Before he knew what was happening James had slammed him into the wall and was kissing him desperately, his fingers tugged at his hair and their bodies were so close he wandered if he could actually become a part of James...but soon enough the kiss was broken and James was nuzzling his hair.

"I'm sorry..." James whispered, his hot breath scolding Sirius' cheek. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you...I...I just...Christ Sirius...this is so wrong."

Sirius felt an embarrassing burning in his eyes and throat, he gritted his teeth and tipped his head back against the wall. "Please stop." He muttered, his fingers gripping James so tightly he wandered that he didn't flinch. "Please...stop doing this...It's Evans you want, not me. It's never been me! Fuck James! I've only just come to terms with it and now...now this?" He looked into James' eyes and begged him silently.

"I can't stop Siri." James replied softly, he kissed him again gently and when he drew away he pressed his forehead against his friends. "I-I...I've wanted you...always you...b-but..."

"No...No...S-stop..." Sirius struggled but James was stronger. "Please!"

"My parents Sirius, they want me to marry..." James opened his eyes and Sirius saw the pain there, so well hidden he hadn't seen it before. "They want me to have kids a-and a wife and I-I...I can't have those things with you, can I?"

Sirius shook his head slowly, swallowing his pain. "It would've been better...if you hadn't...said anything. James...you're killing me." His voice came out rough and full of hurt. "It would've been so much less painful if you had never said a word..."

"I'm sorry." James kissed his forehead again, his fingers still tangled in that soft hair. "Forgive me..."

"No." Sirius struggled away, removing himself from James' grip. He backed away quickly, his silver eyes wide with pain and confusion. "How could you?" He took a shaky breath. "I was fine...I-I was getting better...I-It didn't hurt so bad...Now...now I've got to live knowing...knowing you felt like this all this time and yet were willing to marry someone you don't even love! You bastard! You stupid, useless, fucking arse hole!" He was almost screaming, but his voice came out more like a sob.

"We can't be together Sirius! You know what people will say...and not even my parents are perfect...I'd be disinherited..."

"Could you be any more stupid?" Sirius shouted. "That's not the point! I always knew we couldn't be together...but hearing you say those things...I could have got over it if you'd never cared for me...I-I could have lived with that...b-but this? This is torture!"

"Sirius...please..." James moved towards him, shoving him against the wall again and kissing him deeply. "Don't leave me, I don't want to be without you."

"J-James...please..." Sirius struggled again but James held him tighter and deepened the kiss sending waves of electricity through his body. "Mm...Stop...We can't...I can't...you're going to kill me..."

Both boys were breathing heavily, the world faded until it became irrelevant. The only things that mattered were their lips, their tongues and that scolding heat that flared within their chests. Sirius moaned and pulled James closer, his fingers tangled in that wonderfully messy hair and his eyes closed. James pushed Sirius further into the wall, his breath turning into ragged pants as he tried to reign in his hormones, when they pulled away to breath James found himself kissing Sirius' temple, his throat, any patch of bare skin he could reach as he slid his arm around Sirius' waist and dragged him even closer. "It's been too long." James muttered into Sirius' thick hair. "Far too long...Sirius."

"James...Please, I'm begging you...let me go!" Sirius' voice cracked beneath the weight of his grief as he closed his eyes. "I hate you for doing this to me."

"I know." James replied kissing him again and this time Sirius responded with more passion, he tugged at James' hair, his teeth nipping his lips and his chest heaving against his own. The stars looked down on them with impunity as they sat in their great night time halls. When the moon made an appearance it was to find both boys on the floor, tangled with each other as they kissed.

"James?" Sirius asked when they were taking a breather. He was lying with his head resting on James' chest, his hair falling into his eyes as he gazed up at the sky.

"Hmm?" James hummed in reply.

"What would you do if I said I wanted to just...just fly away from here?"

"You have a broom."

"No...not like that. Truly fly, without broomstick, or anything holding me up...I want to fly up and be able to touch the stars." He lifted his hand and spread his fingers obscuring some of them before making a fist as if to grab a handful of tiny silver lights. With a sigh he let his arm fall back to his side. "I used to dream of that when I was a kid. I'd sit in my room and look out my window, while my mother hammered on my door and screamed at me...I'd look up and wish that the stars would just swallow me up and take me away from everything."

"Do you think that now?"

"Yes...now more than ever." Sirius sighed and gripped James' robes tightly in his fists as he pushed his head beneath his chin in a very dog-like way. "But this time...this time I want you to come with me."

James chuckled, running his fingers through Sirius' hair. "I'd go with you...but flying without a broom is impossible...you know that."

Sirius nodded but said nothing, he buried his face in James' neck and sighed, taking in a lungful of his scent and allowing a tiny smile onto his lips.

As dawn touched the horizon they returned to the dorms and fell onto James' bed kissing furiously before falling asleep tangled with each other.

They found themselves unable to keep from each other for very long, Sirius was silently pleased as James stopped chasing Lily Evans, and he became even more pleased when he caught her staring at James with sad eyes when they were at Dinner or in the common room. In the evenings they would leave under the pretence of going to the Library and find a secret disused classroom to kiss. Their frantic night time fumbling got them into trouble when Filch caught them in the corridors late at night, but they continued to meet in empty parts of the castle as frequently as possible. James found himself bubbling over with happiness, he had been chasing Lily for years under the pretence to ignore his growing feelings for his friend, and now he had Sirius he couldn't dream of anything else. When Sirius was lying on the desk, panting and sweaty with his wonderful hair caught in his eyelashes he knew that nothing would ever be more perfect. When Sirius rasped his name in the dim light, when his fingers dug into his back and his teeth nipped at his ear he could feel his joy threatening to blot everything else from his mind, even Quiddtich no longer gave him nearly as big a thrill as watching Sirius cum while whispering his name.

One day James was walking down the corridor when Lily Evans caught him, he had been on his way to meet with Sirius when she ran up to him and told him she wanted to talk. She pulled him into another room and closed the door, when she turned he saw her green eyes alight with something similar to the look Sirius wore. "Lily? Are you alright?" He asked uncertainly.

She nodded absently and took a few quick steps towards him. "I've been thinking..." She began, gazing at him and biting her lip nervously. "I like you James Potter." She said firmly.

"O-Oh...I-I..." James felt his heart sink slightly. "I thought..."

"I'm sorry, I know I haven't given you much to give you the impression I like you, but for so long you were an arrogant berk and I hated you...but now you've grown so much and I...I wanted to tell you that my feelings have been growing..." She stared at him, big green eyes unflinching as he gaped back stupidly.

"But Lily I..."

Before he could answer she was on him, her arms wrapped around his neck and her lips pressed to his, he couldn't think so he froze up. He should have been kissing her back, this was the perfect opportunity to prove to himself and any others that he was definitely straight, that he didn't fancy men like Sirius. But he simply began comparing the two, his best friend and this girl he had at first wanted more than anything until Sirius had come onto him one drunken night...

They were kissing when James heard the door open, the hinges creaked loudly and he heard a voice...

"James, Are you in...?"

James pulled away, almost pushing Lily off of him as he turned and faced the classroom door. Sirius stood there, his hair was tied back in a tail and his shirt hung open slightly, his gold and red tie hung low against his chest as he gaped at the pair for a second.

"Sirius..." James breathed.

"I'm sorry for interrupting...It won't happen again." Sirius muttered, his eyes going dark. He turned his back on them and James did not miss the fact that his hands were shaking slightly, his shoulders straightened and he paused. "Have fun and don't get caught, Filch is...is wandering about..." With that he left, the door swinging shut behind him.

James moved forwards. "Siri, wait...!" He began but Lily smiled at him and pressed her lips to his again, she was so soft and gentle but he pushed her away, holding her by the shoulders. He scanned her slightly hurt face with pain in his own eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily I...I have to..." He turned and ran for the door and after Sirius.

He found him after hours of searching having lost the Marauders Map the previous year, Sirius was stood on the steps from the Entrance Hall, he was gazing up at the stars and smoking a cigarette. He didn't turn around when he felt James' presence, but he held out his cigarette for his friend to take which he did. As he watched the smoke leave his own lips he tried to think of what to say but it was Sirius who broke the silence. "I didn't mean to interrupt, you should go back to her." He said softly, taking the cigarette from James' fingers. "She's in love with you...if you believe in all that tripe." He sucked in a lungful of acrid smoke and cold air and blew it out slowly, his eyes remained glued to the cloudy sky, no stars were out but he knew they were there, hidden behind the dark cloud cover. "You'd make a good couple you know, and she'd give you kids, a whole family and you could get married and be happy..."

"I want _you_." James whispered, moving behind his friend and wrapping his arms about his waist. He pressed his forehead between Sirius' shoulder blades. "Only you will make me happy, Siri."

"Jamie..." Sirius sighed. "It's impossible, you know what people will say." He turned within the circle of James' arms and looked at him, gently smoothing hair from his face. "It's bad enough to have people whispering behind my back, let alone you risking your own rep by staying with me...It's a dream, Jamie...a stupid, childish dream and I should have realised sooner what would happen. Don't deny it...you like her."

"No, Sirius I..."

Sirius kissed him on the lips and drew away. "You do, even if you deny it. Go back to her and tell her...be with her, marry her and make baby's. Do all the things you can't do with me..."

"I want _you_." James stepped forward again, pushing Sirius against the wall and kissing him. "I want you and only you...fuck it. I don't care anymore...I'll let the whole fucking world know...I love you Sirius Black."

Sirius yanked himself free and backed away, his face a mask of disgust and contempt. "Love doesn't exist you idiot." He snapped furiously. "It's a lie, we both know it. My parents never loved each other, they never loved me...if it's such a wonderful thing why is there so much fucking pain when that word is spoken? Why does it hurt so goddamned much when someone says it? It's a childish lie, told to delude children into believing in fairy tales."

James chewed his lip for a while until suddenly a grin split his face as Sirius crushed his cigarette out on the grass. James grabbed Sirius' arm in a tight grip and dragged him out into the grounds, Sirius tried to pull himself free but James had hold of him too tightly. "James...what the hell? Where are we going?"

"You'll see." James chuckled as he broke into a run, Sirius had to keep up. Finally he halted and Sirius gazed out across the pitch black lake, he could hear the soft lapping of water as it licked the shore. James released him and pulled off his shirt.

"Are you insane?" Sirius said incredulously as James pulled down his trousers.

"No, now strip, we're going swimming." He grinned as he pulled off his glasses and placed them on the pile of his clothes. He frowned when he realised Sirius was still fully clothed before sighing and pulling off his tie with a sharp yank, with deft movements Sirius was shirtless and shivering lightly in the cool Autumnal air. Finally they were both stood in nothing but there pants, the golden light from the castle splashing across their skin until the moon slipped out from the cover of the clouds and revealed them both in a soft silver glow. James grinned and laughed brightly as he took off and ran to shore, with a splash he jumped into the lake. Sirius hesitated knowing the waters must have been freezing, finally he sighed and swore as he broke into a run and dived.

The cold water sapped him of his breath as he rose to the surface again with a gasp, James was laughing and shivering as Sirius turned to him and found a small smile of his own on his lips. They splashed in the water, chasing each other and trying to drown each other until finally they were panting and breathless from laughter, but the cold seemed no longer able to touch them. The moon gazed at its reflection as the boys broke its image into thousands of tiny pieces in their play. Finally Sirius paused to catch his breath and James swam to his side, they were stood in the rocky shallows and surrounded by stars as the clouds were blown away by the winds. James smiled and reached up to push Sirius' hair back from his eyes. "You're cold." He whispered.

"And you're an idiot." Sirius replied through chattering teeth, he shivered and moved to get out but James pulled him back and spun him around. Their lips were crushed against each other and Sirius felt his mind go blissfully blank. He knew with a sudden certainty that he would never be able to give this up, not for Lily, not for James' parents and not even for himself...he was in too deep. James' mouth was hot, almost scolding his tongue when they met to wrestle in the confines of their conjoined mouths. All around them stars were reflected and the moon shone brightly, nearly at its full.

They managed to scramble ashore even with their mouths still locked together. James' fingers moved across Sirius' ribs, making him mutter curses as he found a nipple and tweaked it. "They can...see..." Sirius gasped between their heated kisses, James was wet, wet and cold and hot and beautiful in the moonlight as he pushed Sirius to the grass and straddled him.

"Don't care." James replied, yanking off Sirius' shorts with ease. "I want you...I want to make you cum." He gasped, yanking and pulling at Sirius' hair, his teeth scraping his lips and tongue. "Let me fuck you."

"Nnn...I can't say...no..." Sirius replied through the heavy fogs of desire that obscured his mind. "Just make it good, you bastard."

James chuckled against the dip of Sirius' throat. "Trust me, Siri." He muttered, lapping away some of the water that had beaded on his chest, he followed the line of soft hair that ran down it right to his belly button, he recorded every moan, every twitch, every taste as he moved lower.

The night was full of the sounds of their love making as they whispered silent words of devotion and tenderness to each other through their kisses and hot caresses. The clouds had all but disappeared as Sirius gazed up at the sky, the stars were scattered like so many fireflies trapped in a dark blue mantle, they glittered and twinkled, winking down on them as Sirius arched his back and moaned all thoughts drifting away. James moved slowly, trying to prolong the feeling of being whole, the addictive heat and tightness that surrounded him as he moved his hips watching Sirius' face intently. He realised that he didn't need Sirius to speak those words, all he needed was the tenderness in his eyes, the way he smiled into the kisses and shuddered when their skin made contact, words were unnecessary when they were pressed so close, when their wet skin was on fire with lust and sweet bliss. All either of them needed to hear were their own names whispered between stuttering gasps and groans of exquisite pleasure.

Sirius entwined his fingers with his lovers and held on tightly, his nails digging into the skin on the back of James' hands, but neither of them saw or felt anything except each other as they were filled with their orgasms.

When they were finished James pulled out and lay beside his partner panting slightly as the moon floated above them and they let the soft lapping of the water wash away their worry that they would be caught, instead James leaned down and began kissing Sirius' neck, nipping lightly at his ear as their fingers grasped each other. "This is so bloody perfect, it's too good..." He whispered, pushing his free hand into Sirius' wet hair and smiling as they kissed again.

"It would be..." Sirius replied with a smile of his own. "If I didn't hurt so bloody much and wasn't so fucking cold..." He shivered violently and realised his teeth were chattering.

James laughed and stood on shaky legs, "Then we'd best change and get indoors." He pulled Sirius to his feet and they changed rapidly before running to the big double doors and into the castle.


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: Hi! Thank you to those four who have reviewed, I do hope your still reading and enjoying! This is so heartbreaking to write, but I tend to only write angst, lol. So, please keep enjoying and keep reviewing! Love to you all, you wonderful people!_

_Chapter Five: "You're not the enemy. You're just the competition."_

Lily Evans was pretty but far from stupid, when James Potter had run off after Sirius the nagging feeling that had been in the back of her mind became clear; James Potter and Sirius Black were in a romantic relationship. The clarity of this realisation was painful and ever since she had come to this realisation she could see the tiny little hints; a touch of the hand, a soft smile, the lingering looks. It hurt her to think that James who had been changing and becoming a man she respected and even liked had feelings for a man, but what hurt more was the fact that she had got her hopes up, she had been stupid enough to ignore all the warning signs that the man she had been falling for was probably gay.

She watched the two of them together and felt like hitting herself for being so utterly stupid, it was blindingly obvious but she knew by now how sensitive the Wizarding world was concerning same sex relationships, she had heard of too many Wizards and Witches being persecuted for the supposed crime of loving someone of the same sex so she understood that they had to keep it a secret. There were rumours, little whispers in the corridors, that told her that many suspected Sirius of being gay, she had not dismissed them as she too had noticed his complete disinterest in any of the girls who watched him hopefully. He was always distant and aloof, but most students put it down to his aristocratic nature, but now she knew differently.

Her relationship with Black had always been tense, bordering on nasty, and she had never actually liked him but she pitied him now. She sympathized with his plight, being unable to speak aloud of his sexuality, always having to hide and keep silent. She could better understand why he had been disowned, the rumour mill of Hogwarts was always vicious and the stories surrounding Sirius' sudden unofficial adoption into the Potter family varied from rumours of terrible abuse to ridiculous notions of Dark Wizards and evil magic, she now guessed it was probably something to do with the fact that he liked men although from some of the stories the idea that he had been abused in his home seemed perfectly plausible. Lily didn't like to make accusations but she had been living with Black for years and she couldn't fail to notice that after the holidays he would return with bruises and a dark look in his grey eyes that was simply terrifying, sometimes he even came back with bandages over unhealed wounds, she had only seen him in such a state once and then he had fallen into Remus Lupin's arms and been escorted up to the boys dorms. When she had next seen him his wounds had been healed and he had his usual cocky smile on his once bruised face.

She walked down the corridor to breakfast, she liked to get down early so she could grab a bit of peace before the crowds descended but as she passed a tapestry someone burst through it. She let out a gasp of shock and leapt backwards, her eyes widened in shock when she saw Sirius stumble and catch himself on the wall opposite. When his grey eyes met hers she saw that he had the look of a hunted animal, he looked over his shoulder and grabbed her, dragging her down a short flight of steps and behind yet another tapestry. He was panting and holding his arm close to his body, it took her a moment to realise that the bone was sticking through the skin. "Black!" She finally managed to speak as she pulled free of his grip, he pressed a finger to his lips and peered around the tapestry and out into the corridor. She heard feet pounding across stone and angry shouts.

"Shit! He's gone..."

"Where would he go, this passage ways a dead end...?"

"No idea, he's _your_ brother."

"Yeah, doesn't mean I know how a filthy blood-traitor would think, Rosier! Grow a brain would you!"

"Don't speak to me like-..."

"Shut up, both of you! He's gone...let's go get some breakfast."

"Yeah, fucking queer's good at escaping."

The voices began fading away and Lily let out a breath, she had recognised some of those voices. They were a group of Slytherin's who usually hung around with Severus Snape. There was a groan from her side and Sirius slipped down the wall, he was breathing heavily and clutching his broken arm, his face was white and his eyes glittered oddly. "Black...what happened?" She knelt at his side and looked at his arm, blood stained his shirt and he was shaking.

Quickly he snatched back his arm and shook his head before lowering it. "Doesn't...matter...I need to find Remus..." He tried to stand but fell back as a wave of dizziness crashed into him. "Shit." He groaned and closed his eyes, his lips peeled back from his sharp white teeth in a grimace of agony.

"Don't be ridiculous! Here..." Lily removed her wand and took hold of his arm. "Episky." She muttered and watched the bone return beneath the skin, Sirius tensed as pain raced through his body but he hardly made a sound even when there was a crack as the bone slid back into place. "I still think you should go to Madam Pomfrey with this, I don't know if the bone will heal right..."

"No...it's fine." Sirius gazed at her through his heavy fringe, his eyes were bright in his face as he studied her carefully. "Why are you doing this for me?" He asked slowly.

Lily sat down properly at his side. "Because you're James' friend." She replied stiffly.

Sirius snorted. "Yeah...friend." He muttered as he inspected his arm. "You may be many things Evans but stupid you are not, you know what James is to me."

Lily pursed her lips in a way that had always reminded her of her sister. "Well, I don't think this is a very good topic for discussion."

"No, I think it's an excellent topic." Sirius looked at her and his smile was all at once sweet and sad. "No matter what he says he still likes you, you know." That shocked her, her eyes widened and she gaped at Sirius who simply smiled. "He likes to tell me how much he loves me, but really, we both know love is just a sweet little cover story for lust, I've seen the way he looks at you." He paused and scanned her face. "You are pretty, I'll concede that point...but would you be able to give him everything he needs?"

"What...what are you talking about?"

"James has a huge appetite you know, in the sack he's an animal."

She flinched. "I don't think I want to know..."

"Oh, you do. Trust me." His smile was almost evil and he laughed when she went red. "So sensitive, are you a virgin?"

"No!" She snapped without thinking and Sirius snickered.

"Well, I suppose someone with your looks wouldn't be..." He sighed and tipped his head back and closed his eyes. "I know you know that my feelings for James are beyond friendship..."

"I worked it out." She replied tersely. "Why were they chasing you?"

Sirius shook his head and scrubbed his unshaven face with one hand. "Well, that's a long story...goes back to the day I realised that one's birth is coincidental and irrelevant...it goes back to the day I met James Potter..." His smile was full of gentleness and Lily almost returned it. "I'm a filthy Blood-traitor, but it's not just that, it's also because my brother discovered my sexuality...since then he has made it his mission to rally his little Death-Eater-To-Be friends into hunting me down and punishing me for daring to find other men more attractive than women...Ah, the love of a sweet brother, doesn't get any better, does it?"

"Siblings are annoying..." Lily muttered, remembering her sister's aversion to her magic. "My sisters jealous of me, I think..." She sighed.

"You're Muggle-born, right?" Sirius asked and she nodded. "You got it easy." He stood on shaking legs and began wiggling the fingers of his injured arm. "Seems like you did a good job, you could give the Marauder Medic a run for his money."

"Marauder Medic?" Lily laughed.

"Yeah, It's Moo-Remus' job."

Lily raised an eyebrow but Sirius didn't explain his slip so she let it go. He moved towards the tapestry but paused with his hand on the wall and his back to her. "Don't think that I'm going to let him go, Evans...This doesn't make us enemies, but we're not friends either...James is the only thing in this world that actually means anything to me, if you want him, you have a fight on your hands." He smiled over his shoulder at her and she realised she couldn't find any words, his declaration had left her speechless. "Thanks for the healing, I'll see you around Chick." He walked away and the tapestry fell back down to obscure Lily, she fell into the wall and slipped back down it with a heavy sigh.

The common room was packed as students celebrated, it had been the last Quidditch game of the season and Gryffindor had yet again trounced Slytherin in a spectacular finale in which James had been on fire. He had scored goal after goal making his job look easy, even when the Slytherin seeker had captured the snitch it had made no difference, Gyriffindor's victory had been assured as soon as James had hold of the Quaffle. James stood on a table, lifting the cup high above his head as people asked him to recount his goals, he did so loudly and with much gesticulating. Sirius shoved his way through the press of people so he stood beneath James' table, he grinned up at his friend and lifted a bottle of Elf-made Champaign he had bought from the Three Broomsticks and smuggled into the castle, James grabbed his wrist and heaved him onto the creaking table as Sirius uncorked the bottle and began pouring the bubbly liquid into the massive silver cup. James lifted the cup and drank deeply from it, he came away coughing and his eyes watering as the Gryffindor's laughed.

Lily looked on from a corner, a drink of her own held in one hand but it remained untouched. She gazed at James as he lifted the cup and tipped the rest of the alcohol over Sirius' head, Sirius gasped and choked but grinned as he tackled James right off of the table and they crashed to the floor wrestling and struggling in a mass of damp, sticky robes and hair. Their laughter rose above the jeers and calls of their class mates who began betting on who would win, James grabbed Sirius' hair in his hands and rolled them over so he was on top and for a second time seemed to freeze, her heart beat seemed to be the only sound and her eyes widened as James leaned down. The atmosphere became thick as people began muttering but with the agility of a cat, Sirius rolled out from beneath James and grabbed handfuls of his robes, he dragged him to his feet and pushed him roughly away again.

There was silence. A silence that seemed to seep into Lily's chest and make it hard to breath.

"You stupid fucking bastard!" Sirius said, his voice was rough and quiet but seemed to resonate off the walls. He wiped away drops of Champaign from his face with his sleeve before turning away and storming off up the dormitory stairs.

Before she thought about what she was doing Lily was on her feet and walking towards James who was standing and staring up the stairs where Sirius had disappeared, she took his arm and drew him away from the gaping crowd, she could feel eyes following her but she ignored them as she sat James down in her seat. Remus ran over to them, his eyes wide in a pale face.

"You fool, Potter! What the hell were you..." He stopped when he caught sight of Lily.

"It's alright, Remus, I know." She said softly.

Remus shook his head and looked at James. "That was dangerous." He muttered.

James leaned back and stared up at the ceiling, his eyes were dark behind his glasses. "I dunno what happened..." He whispered hoarsely.

"Well, I think this situation can be salvaged..." Lily said in a matter of fact tone.

"How? They all saw me try and kiss him..." James sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Ugh...I tried so hard to prove how un-gay I am and I end up nearly fucking up everything by kissing my mate in public...yeah...That's my rep out the window."

"You didn't actually kiss though, did you?" Lily insisted, she leaned forward, her hand resting on his knee. A strange recklessness came over her and before she could think she slid into James' lap and tipped her head to the side, her red hair slipped over her shoulders and James slowly lifted his head to look at her.

"Lily?" He muttered, a small frown creasing his brow.

She didn't give him time to think, she didn't give herself time to rationalise, she simply leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. Remus coughed awkwardly, his cheeks flushing as he turned away. The rest of the room which had been buzzing about what they had witnessed took a few moments before someone shouted.

"Evans and Potter!"

The rest of the room took up the cry and loud cheers echoed through the room as James wrapped his arms around the woman in his lap and pulled her even closer. Lily shivered at the intensity of it all, as James slid his hand up her back and into her hair, he pulled her closer and let a soft moan escape him. He was a brilliant kisser, his tongue did things that made her body become hot and she realised in that moment that she had won. James was hers. She smiled into the kiss and pulled away long enough to press her forehead against his and look into his slightly dazed eyes. "Lily..." he muttered and when he said her name a smile of his own spread across his face as people cheered and made lewd comments all around them, but none of it mattered because right then Lily knew that all James could see was her.

Remus turned his head towards the Dormitory staircase and saw Sirius standing in the shadows, one hand on the wall and his hair still wet, he let out a breath and closed his eyes before turning away from the couple. Remus followed, he knew where he was needed most and it wasn't with James. He took the stairs two at a time and pushed open the dorm door, he heard the shower going and moved to the bathroom, the door was open and steam came drifting through it. As he stood before it he heard a heartrending noise, a desperate sob and a loud crash as something broke. With a sigh Remus moved to his bed and picked up a book to pass the time until Sirius was ready to talk.

Sirius came out of the bathroom with sopping wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist, he walked straight over to Remus who put aside his book as Sirius turned into Padfoot and curled up at his side, a small whine escaped the large dog and Remus wrapped his arms around his neck and buried his face into his fur. "It's alright, Pads." He said softly, wishing his words weren't so empty. He felt Padfoot lick his hand before settling down and huffing. Remus picked his book up again and read for a while as Padfoot's breathing evened out and he ran his fingers through the thick black fur, Sirius tended to have difficulty coping with strong emotions, being a man who had little control he had discovered that turning into his Animagi form made the emotions simpler and easier to deal with.

Later the door opened to reveal Peter, he saw Padfoot and sighed as he moved to his bed. "What happened? I was in detention and when I come back I see James snogging Evans..."

"It's complicated." Remus replied, turning a page in his book. "Let's just say that James nearly messed up his reputation and now nearly his friendship."

"How come?" Peter had got into his pyjamas and he perched on the bed, gazing at the huge black dog who slowly opened his eerily silver eyes. A low, terrible growl emanated from deep within his chest and Peter shivered and looked away. Remus frowned down at the dog, the noise rumbling through his bed, he stroked his head until the noise faded into a long whine and he stood up.

"Pads?" Remus watched the dog begin to pace, his tongue lolling out and suddenly he morphed back into human form. "Sirius...are you alright...?"

Sirius shook his head slowly. "I...I don't know...I'm going for a walk...clear my head..." He muttered vaguely as he threw on some clothes and a cloak before heading to the door.

"Wait, I'll come with you..." Remus stood and followed him.

"Even if I told you not to you would anyway." Sirius shrugged and together they left.

Outside it was raining, which suited Sirius' mood perfectly. He stepped out of the front doors and tipped his head back and closed his eyes, he let slip a soft sigh. "Go on then..." He said roughly.

"What?"

"Tell me what a fool I am for falling for my best mate, give me one of your Moony-ish lectures...I reckon I've earned it."

"I will, but not now." Remus stood at his side and looked out across the grounds, he could hear the sounds of rain slapping the surface of the Lake, the trees rustled in the Forest and he could just see the distant glow from Hagrid's hut. Everything was so wonderfully familiar he smiled. "I remember when I first spoke to you properly." He whispered as he shoved his hands into his pockets and scuffed his shoe on the ground.

"You were being pushed around by that group of Ravenclaws...we were first years and James and I scared them off." Sirius' smile was brief as he remembered the day.

"I thought you were going to bully me too, but you picked up my books that they had been throwing around..." Remus smiled. "It was the strangest and most pleasant moment of my life."

"If I remember I started trying to tell you about a thousand and one things and confused you...you went to bed that night with a headache." Sirius chuckled.

"You spoke so quickly it was hard keeping up with you, yes." Remus turned to look at his friend. "What I wanted was to say that no matter what happens, Sirius, I am and always will be your friend. James and Lily...It was inevitable...they're made for each other, can't you see that?"

Sirius looked away. "I can...but that doesn't mean I have to accept it, or let him go."

"Sirius...James can't be seen with you! If you have any kind of relationship it will tear you both apart and I don't want to have to pick up the pieces! Please, let him go...let him be happy."

"I need him, Remus." Sirius' voice cracked and he was suddenly glad for the rain that splashed onto his face and disguised his tears. "I need him a lot more than he needs me...I couldn't stand by his side and watch him marry her...I couldn't be there when he had his first kid, or his second...It would kill me."

"Then...Find someone else." Remus said softly. "Find someone who can make you happy...I hate watching you hurt each other."

"There is no one else!" Sirius sank down to the ground and sat in a puddle, he stared at the floor blankly. "I don't want anyone else...there isn't anyone like James..."

Remus sat down at his side, ignoring the bone-chilling cold. He had run out of words so he gently touched Sirius' hand and Sirius fell sideways to lean his head on his shoulder as they held hands beneath the steady downpour. "I want to make you happy." Remus muttered softly as he looked across the dark grounds. "How can I do that? Tell me..."

Sirius shook his head and buried it further into Remus' shoulder who ignored his hitching breath and the soft sobs that wracked his frame, he simply lifted his arm and wrapped it around Sirius' shoulder, drawing him closer.

James returned to a nearly empty dorm, his shirt was un-tucked and his tie hung half way down his chest which was revealed through the gap where Lily had ripped off some of his buttons. His belt hung open and he had a distinct flowery scent hanging about him along with a stupid, giddy grin on his face. He collapsed onto his bed and stretched out.

"I'm assuming it went well with Lily?" Peter asked.

"Oh yes, it went very, very well...and my reputation is saved...Merlin she's brilliant!"

"I heard what happened from Michael Belemy...is it true you nearly kissed Sirius?"

James sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. "They're still talking about that? Christ..."

"Then...it's true? James...if you do stupid stunts like that you'll end up just as bad as Sirius. Everyone knows Sirius is gay, and he even got kicked out of his home for it. I'd say his parents had the right of it..."

"Peter, shut the hell up!" James snapped suddenly, he sat up and gazed at his small fat friend. "He's still Sirius, our Padfoot! Stop being such a bigot!"

"Oh come on James, everyone thinks it. Having sex with another man is disgusting..."

"Say that after you've fucked a girl!" James hissed between his teeth. "Don't you dare start slagging off Sirius, he can't help it...he's still our friend!"

"It's true!" Peter insisted but before James could retort the door opened and revealed a very wet and tired looking Sirius with an equally bedraggled Remus at his heels. Sirius froze by the door, his eyes lingering on James' attire.

"It went well with Red, then?" He croaked as he moved and lay down on his bed, still fully clothed and dripping.

James gazed at him, he had the sudden, random urge to run his hands into that wet hair and pull his body close. "Oh...oh yeah...it went alright." He replied, looking away.

Sirius watched him through his hair, Remus felt the air thicken with tension and he cleared his throat. "Oh, I seem to have left a book in the Library...Peter, help me look for it." He pulled Peter from his bed and pushed his dressing gown into his arms.

"B-But the Library's closed..." Peter said in confusion, but Remus sent him a significant look and dragged him from the dorm.

James stood up as Peter's confused chatter faded away, he ruffled his hair and pointedly avoided Sirius' eyes. He walked over to the window and looked out across the grounds. He heard Sirius' bed creak and he closed his eyes, hanging his head. "Nothing's ever easy for us, is it?" He muttered, leaning on his elbows and shoving his fingers into his hair. "I like her, Siri...I-I don't know what to do anymore..."

Sirius gazed at James' hunched back, he sat on the edge of his bed, his hair dripping along with his clothing so it soaked into his bedding. "Then..." he couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice. "Then be with her James." He whispered. "I didn't believe in love...but I...I think you love her, don't you? A-and it hurts when you're apart or when you think of her in another's arms..." His voice became less than a whisper as he spoke to James' back. "I can't make you love me...can I?"

"Sirius..." James couldn't think how to end that sentence so he let it fall away into silence.

"It's alright...Lily's...she's...pretty I suppose...and she can give you a family. One of the problems with being a bloke means you don't have ovaries so I suppose it's understandable...I understand..." His fingers tightened on the edge of his bed and he hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut so tightly he saw bright colours. He bit down hard on his lip as his chest began to burn and tears slipped down his face, he had always wondered what it felt like to have a broken heart, he had always thought people were being stupid and exaggerating when they compared it to physical pain, but now he knew better. It made his breath catch in his chest it hurt so much, it was as if his heart was actually, physically breaking inside and he had to fight furiously with himself to control the urge to break into sobs.

James heard the strangled sob that escaped Sirius, but he couldn't face him. He couldn't look at him. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

Sirius had given James the one thing he had sworn he would never give up, he had left himself vulnerable and now he was being shattered on rocks of his own making. All his shields had been ripped down by James' lips, his voice, his tongue...and now he couldn't control his emotions.

"I'm...so sorry..." James' fingers tightened on the stone casement as he heard his friend move, he didn't turn around until he heard a soft, drawn out whine from the darkness of Sirius' bed. When he did gain the courage to turn he saw the huge black form of Padfoot, curled up on the bed. He took a step closer but the dog growled and he had to back away. The dog tucked its nose beneath its tail and lay still, for a while James watched it, remembering the times in the forbidden forest, remembering their laughter and Sirius' loud barks, he sighed heavily and turned back to his own bed. Without another word he closed the curtains and sank into his pillows where he let his pain carry him away.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Well, this is a nice chapter, I wanted to write something that would make you laugh for a change, however, I must note that much of what is written below (As in the Policeman chase scene) is actually stolen from a short story written by Rowling herself. It was an 800 word piece written for charity, I claim nothing for it (Apart from the point of view change) Please enjoy and be so kind as to leave me a review? Thanks. (God, I LOVE Sirius Black! He's so awesome...sorry.)

_**Old friend, why are you so shy?**__**  
**__**Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light. – Adele, Someone Like You.**_

The summer came quickly, James and Sirius hardly exchanged two words. There was a stiff politeness when they were in the dorm but Sirius made sure to keep his distance. When it came time to leave Hogwarts for the last time, Sirius climbed off onto platform nine and three quarters with a tight chest. All four of them had sworn themselves to help fight Voldemort, each of them signing their lives over to a war that seemed to have no hope, when they stood in Kings Cross station Sirius saw James and Lily talking to Remus, they were holding hands and that simple gesture made Sirius want to throw up, but he pushed it aside knowing that It could be his last chance to speak to James.

"...And remember to write to us, we'll love to hear from you." Lily was saying as Remus smiled.

"You'll always be welcome with us Remus, I have...money..." James took a shaky breath and his smile was tight. Sirius remembered when he had received the news, the devastating news that his parents had died. He had been distraught but Sirius knew that James needed Lily more than him, so he had stood back and watched her comfort him. His own grief at their passing was still as fresh as ever but he had no wish to burden anyone with it. Lily put her arm around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder, Remus touched James' arm gently and smiled.

"You don't need to worry about me, James, Sirius and I will be fine."

"Oh...yeah I forgot you were going to be living with him..." James' eyes flicked to Sirius before moving away. "Well...we'll see each other soon."

"Yeah, we will. Take care of yourselves." Remus stepped back as James and Lily walked off hand in hand. Sirius moved to Remus' side and took a breath.

"I spose we'd better get going then, you'll want to see the place and settle in..." Sirius smiled weakly as Remus eyed him.

"Are you alright? You lived with Dorea and Charlus for a while..."

"They were good to me..." Sirius rubbed his eyes roughly before regaining control of his emotions. "I'm fine, Remus. Come on."

Remus moved in with Sirius and after much badgering accepted donations from James who took responsibility for paying half his rent and buying the things he would need. Sirius was reasonably happy with the arrangement, although he had a rather large amount of gold stashed away in his account he was careful with it, after all, it wasn't inexhaustible. James however, was so rich his gold seemed endless, his parents had left him enough to keep his family wealthy for at least two generations. Sirius missed being able to spend his gold on whatever he wished but he knew he needed to be careful, so his only big expense became his pride and joy; a Muggle motorbike. It was a large thing with leather seats, chrome handles and a wicked dragon's roar when the engine revved. Sirius spent his time with his pride and joy, perfectly content to lose himself in tinkering with it while Remus watched on in confusion and worry.

"You'll kill yourself on that thing." He muttered one day as he entered the garage and handed Sirius a cup of tea.

Sirius grinned, he had oil smudged across one cheek and his hair was tied back off his face. His white t-shirt was stained and torn along one shoulder, his fingers were black as he lifted the mug to his lips and Remus perched on a pile of boxes. Sirius wiped one hand absently on his jeans. "She's gorgeous isn't she?" He said with a sigh that made Remus smile.

"I don't know, it looks like a lot of metal and parts to me..."

"Oi! She's got feelings!" Sirius chuckled.

"It's a bike, it doesn't have feelings...and what are you doing with it anyway?"

Sirius beckoned him closer. "I'm gunna make her fly!" He whispered and winked.

"And then the ministry will lock you up for tampering with Muggle technology...you know it's illegal."

Sirius waved a hand absently. "Pah, when have I ever worried about breaking rules, Remmy? Give me a break, I deserve her." He ran his hand affectionately over the leather seat. "I'll look damned good in leathers, won't I? I'll have guys falling over themselves to get in my knickers."

Remus laughed. "You think too much of yourself."

"As if you've never thought about it!" Sirius smiled at him, eyes glittering. "I mean look at me, I'm sex on legs! I'd turn the straightest bloke gay."

"You already did." Remus pointed out, but regretted it when Sirius' face fell. "Sorry..." He muttered.

"No...no it's not a problem. He's got Lily...he doesn't need me." He finished his tea and returned to working on his bike, Remus watched him with pity in his gaze as he wrapped both hands around his mug.

When Sirius finally got his bike working he let Remus know by jumping on him when he was reading by the fireplace, he found himself with a lap full of boy, his nose was assaulted by the not so unpleasant smell of oil, sweat and coconuts. "I did it Remmy!" Sirius exclaimed as he hugged him. "She's flying! Come see!" Remus tried to protest but found himself dragged to his feet and pulled through the house, they entered the garage and Remus made a noise of surprise when he saw the bike hovering a foot above the floor. "See!" Sirius was hopping from one foot to the other, his filthy t-shirt hanging off one shoulder.

"Wow...that's impressive." Remus walked over to the bike and gazed at it approvingly. "Now you just need to keep it a secret."

Sirius scratched his head and wrinkled his nose. "Really? Where's the fun in that?"

"About as fun as being sent to Azkaban." Remus replied with a shake of his head.

"Wait till James sees her! He's going to..." Sirius trailed off and gazed at the wall before sighing and rubbing the back of his neck. "Doesn't matter."

"Tell him, Sirius...you two are still friends, don't throw it away." Remus stepped forward and touched his arm. "He needs you and you need him, come on, turn it off and come inside. Write to James and sort this out between you, before you both end up killing each other."

Sirius smiled sadly but followed Remus into the house all the same.

When the door opened James' mouth dropped open. Sirius stood leaning on the door frame, one thumb hooked into the belt loop of his jeans and his leather jacket hanging from one shoulder, a cigarette was captured between his lips and he was grinning around it. His hair fell into his eyes and was tied back, his t-shirt was black with a golden Pheonix emblazoned on the front. "Hey there sexy, I've come to show you my impressive...er...bike."

James shook his head as he tried to clear it, he gaped stupidly, unable to keep his eyes from Sirius.

"James? Who is it?"

Sirius saw Lily step out from the living room door behind James, he raised two fingers in a casual salute. "Evans, I've come to steal your boyfriend. I promised to ride him...sorry...I promised to give him a ride on _Astarte_."

Lily frowned. "And what is that exactly?" She asked suspiciously.

"Calm down Miss Red, it's my bike."

James finally shook off his shock. "You got a bike?" He said excitedly.

"Yeah, always said I would, didn't I? Only wish dear old mum could see me now, eh?" he laughed his sharp bark and James' grin widened.

"She'd have a heart attack."

"And hopefully it'd put her in her grave, the world would be better for it." He reached into his pocket and withdrew a tiny package, he pointed his wand at it and it expanded into a larger brown wrapped one. "Here, a gift. Call it a peace offering."

James raised an eyebrow and opened the present. "Oh...wow..." He withdrew a t-shirt with the same design as Sirius'. "A Phoenix...nice."

"Rise from the ashes, mate." His smile was wide.

James removed his t-shirt then and there and put on the new one. "Cool." He said grinning like an idiot, Sirius had to restrain himself, the urge to push James against the wall and kiss him was almost overpowering. "Shall we go then?" James moved to leave.

"Aren't you going to say goodbye?" Lily snapped.

"Oh...yeah...sorry." James shot Sirius a guilty look and stepped back into the house, as he leaned down to kiss Lily Sirius looked away. "Let's go, Padfoot, old friend!" James said as he practically leapt out the door while pulling a jacket on. He put his arm around Sirius' shoulders and followed him to the street where the massive bike sat glinting in the sunshine. "She's gorgeous!" James exclaimed, releasing Sirius and wandering over to it. He ran his fingers over the chrome and leather seats.

"She is at that." Sirius said proudly as he swung his leg over the seat. "Get on then." James sat behind him and held onto Sirius' waist, he had to force his hands under control as he had the sudden desire to slide them downwards and into Sirius' trousers. As the bike roared into life, the vibrations made him bite his lip, he had to keep his thoughts clean even as he imagined that bloody self satisfied smirk on his friends lips. "And we're off!" Sirius shouted leaning over the handle bars and they sped away with a burst of flames.

"Shit!" James swore, burying his face into Sirius' hair as the wind rushed over them. He felt almost weightless, the cold bit into his hands but he held on tightly to Sirius' jacket. He filled his nose with the scent of Leather and steel and oil and smoke, he felt a smile tug at his lips.

"Jamie!" Sirius called over hsi shoulder as they raced down a road. "Look up!"

James took a deep breath and did as he asked, he narrowed his eyes and looked. The road sped beneath them, little more than a great grey smear. The wheels ate away the miles, they were going impossibly fast, James had the distinct impression that they were going beyond the natural speed of a motorbike. Houses and buildings flashed past them, turning into meaningless colours, there was no distinction unless he looked straight ahead. He felt a sudden surge of excitement fill his chest until his heart was beating double time, his let out a loud whoop and laughed. Sirius joined him and soon they swerved dangerously, James managed to keep his seat by gripping Sirius tighter. They rounded a corner so fast their legs almost touched the ground, soon they were upright again and he risked a look behind them. "Oh shit!" He cried making a desperate grab for his wand.

"I know, I see them!" Sirius called over, he glanced in his rear-view mirror and saw three men in black cloaks flying in the sky above them. "Hold on bloody tight James and whatever you do, do _not_ let go!" He revved the engine as the men began to gain on them, leaning low over their broomsticks. "Here we go, baby!" Sirius laughed as he flicked a switch and the bike jumped forward, James felt a sickening jolt in the region of his stomach as they were thrown down the street at a speed that should have been physically impossible. Sirius' laugh could hardly be heard over the throbbing of the engine, he released the handle bar briefly and stuck his middle finger in the air. "Fuck you!" He screamed and James laughed wildly as a madness took hold of him. He glanced back and saw their pursuers were little more than specks, as they turned a corner at break neck speeds a sudden whining screech rent the air.

"What the fuck?" James looked back again, straining his neck and saw a white car following them, it had a flashing light on top and it was gaining. "Sirius! Muggle Law Enforcement!"

"Buggering fuck shitting _bastards_!" Sirius swore loudly as he dropped his speed and turned the handles, they disappeared down an alleyway and Sirius made a spectacular u-turn, the wheels kicked up dust and stones from the ground as they came to an abrupt halt. The silence rang in their ears as Sirius shook back his hair, panting like his alter-ego. He turned to grin at James and James returned it, his hands shook slightly with adrenaline as they both turned to see the police car edging towards them into the alley.

Sirius watched the fat Muggle climb laboriously out of his car, inching along between the wall and the car. He couldn't keep the grin off his face, it was amusing.

'Get off the bike!' one of the policemen bellowed at the smirking youths, who sat basking in the flashing blue light as though enjoying it. They did as they were told, still smirking at each other, Sirius couldn't have kept a straight face even if he'd tried. 'No helmets!' the policeman yelled, pointing from one uncovered head to the other. 'Exceeding the speed limit by – by a considerable amount! Failing to stop for the police!'

'We'd have loved to stop for a chat,' said James, 'only we were trying -'

'Don't get smart – you two are in a heap of trouble!' snarled Anderson. 'Names!'

'Names?' repeated Sirius, pausing in mock thought. 'Er – well, let's see. There's Wilberforce… Bathsheba… Elvendork…'

'And what's nice about that one is, you can use it for a boy or a girl,' James added as an afterthought. They knew they very little time, their other pursuers would be on them soon and they couldn't risk involving muggles.

'Oh, _our_ names, did you mean?' asked Sirius, as one of the Muggles spluttered with rage. 'You should've said! This here is James Potter, and I'm Sirius Black!'

'Things'll be seriously black for you in a minute, you cheeky little -'

But neither James nor Sirius was paying attention. They were suddenly as alert as gundogs, staring past the two officers, over the roof of the police car, at the dark mouth of the alley. Then, with identical fluid movements, they reached into their back pockets.

For the space of a heartbeat both policemen imagined guns gleaming at them, but a second later they saw that the motorcyclists had drawn nothing more than -

'Drumsticks?' jeered one. 'Right pair of jokers, aren't you? Right, we're arresting you on a charge of -'

But he never got to name the charge. James and Sirius had shouted something incomprehensible, and the beams from the headlights had moved.

The policemen wheeled around, then staggered backwards. Three men were flying – actually _flying_ – up the alley on broomsticks – and at the same moment, the police car was rearing up on its back wheels.

Fisher's knees buckled; he sat down hard; one muggle tripped over the other's legs and fell on top of him, as FLUMP – BANG – CRUNCH – they heard the men on brooms slam into the upended car and fall, apparently insensible, to the ground, while broken bits of broomstick clattered down around them.

The motorbike had roared into life again. His mouth hanging open, Fisher mustered the strength to look back at the two teenagers.

'Thanks very much!' called Sirius over the throb of the engine. 'We owe you one!'

'Yeah, nice meeting you!' said James. 'And don't forget: Elvendork! It's unisex!'

There was an earth-shattering crash, and the policemen threw their arms around each other in fright; their car had just fallen back to the ground. Now it was the motorcycle's turn to rear. Before the policemen's disbelieving eyes, it took off into the air: James and Sirius zoomed away into the night sky, their tail light twinkling behind them like a vanishing ruby.

Remus was sitting happily by the roaring fire with a good book in one hand and a box of chocolate by the other, he had a blanket around his shoulders as he licked the chocolate from his fingers, he was nice and relaxed until suddenly the door banged open. He jumped and let out an undignified squeak as he leapt to his feet with his wand in hand. It dropped to his side when he saw Sirius hanging from James' shoulder and laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. "Oh...Oh Merlin...R-Remmy...you should have come with us! It was...it was so...Oh Merlin! It _hurts_!" He slipped to the floor, still laughing hysterically. James was grinning like a fool as he closed the door and jumped on Remus, tackling him to the floor again.

"It was so fucking funny! Moony, you _had_ to be there..."

"T-They're faces!" Sirius managed to choke out as he rocked back and forth, gripping his aching sides.

It took them both a whole fifteen minutes to calm down long enough to explain what happened, and even then they kept bursting into laughter each time they mentioned something amusing. Remus watched them laughing and clutching each other, Sirius' eyes streamed with tears and James was creased over, he smiled at them both affectionately and felt his love for them double, threatening to make his heart burst. However, once the tale was done he schooled his face into a serious expression and Sirius and James looked at their feet in shame. "What you did was not only dangerous, it was illegal. Those poor Muggles could have been seriously injured or worse! Do you understand?"

Sirius looked up at him, his hand twisting in his jacket and his eyes large and puppy like, Remus almost let it melt his heart but he held firm. "Sorry, Moony..."

"Yeah..." James too looked like a child being told off for stealing from the cookie jar.

Suddenly Remus burst into laughter and the others joined him. "You two are great big idiots!" He said once they had all calmed down again. "But I do love you, you stupid prats. But please, next time be more careful, I don't want to hear that you've both been arrested by the Muggle police."

They both grinned identical grins and after swearing solemnly that they wouldn't be so reckless again (Remus expecting that to last for as long as half an hour at most) they broke out the whiskey and settled down to a night of laughter and stories.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Ok, the last chapter was nice and light-hearted, this one is full of drama! Oh we love the drama! :D Hope you keep enjoying and remember I thrive on Reviews!

_**Betrayal can only happen if you love. – John Le Carre**_

Sirius was very drunk, James was worse and Remus had gone to bed. Sirius drained his glass and picked up the bottle, he squinted through blurry vision as he concentrated hard on not spilling it, yet he somehow managed to pour most of it over his hand anyway. He swore loudly and began licking the sharp liquid off. James watched him through unfocussed eyes, he watched that tongue slide over his fingers and swallowed a dry lump in his throat. Sirius caught him staring and turned his head, stilling like a hunting animal, he got a predatory look in his eye and James hissed in a sharp breath. "Siri-..." He began but it was too late. As Sirius pushed him backwards into the sofa he was already too far gone.

"Jamie..." Sirius breathed against James' mouth, there was a split second of doubt in James' hazel eyes before he was grabbing Sirius' hair and dragging him down. Their lips met in a furious kiss, their tongues tangling desperately as their fingers found skin beneath each other's t-shirts. "Jamie...Jamie...Jamie..." Sirius chanted between kisses making James grind his hips into him. "Oh holy _fuck_!" He gasped. "Nng...Did you miss me?" He muttered, nipping at James' ear as they both groaned in unison. When he got no answer he grabbed James' erection through his jeans.

"Oh..._Shiiit_..." James closed his eyes.

"Tell me...tell me how much you need this. Tell me how you think of me when you fuck her, Jamie..." He hissed between his teeth as James sat up, shoving him violently to the floor and tumbling after him. Sirius grinned at him wickedly, his hips jerking as James grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head. "It's t-true...isn't it? You think of me...about how fucking tight I am...come on James...admit it...You still want me."

James made a growling noise in the back of his throat as he kissed Sirius. "Fucking hell...stop it..." He whispered desperately. "Stop _torturing_ me..."

"I won't stop...I want you."

James swore and grabbed Sirius' t-shirt, it tore open and he attacked his chest, biting down hard on a nipple. Sirius cried out and bared his teeth, wincing at the pain. Suddenly Sirius felt himself flipped onto his front, James grabbed the back of his jeans and tugged, they came down to his knees as he fumbled with his own belt. After much drunken fumbling he managed to undo it and free his aching erection. "Siri..." He slurred as he grabbed his hips and a handful of Sirius' hair, he pushed himself inside Sirius with a throaty groan as he pushed his face into the carpet. "Oh Merlin..." He muttered, tipping his head back as he was encased in tight heat.

Sirius gritted his teeth as tears of agony seared his eyes. "J-James...y-you're...hurting me..." He hissed, his body tensing. "Fucking _hell_...!"

"Shut up." James replied, jerking his hips and making Sirius cry out and claw at the carpet.

"Fucking git! What are you doing?" Sirius snapped furiously.

"God that's good..." It was agonising, a burning, searing agony that stabbed deep into Sirius' abdomen, he tried to reach around to James and make him stop but his hand was slapped away. He felt James' weight on his back and he muttered in his ear. "I-It'll feel good soon...bear with it..."

"Ow! I-I _can't_...you fucking dick!" Sirius gritted his teeth. "_Stop_!"

"Relax...I can't...get in properly..."

"I'll relax when you...ow...shit...fucking _prepare_ me properly!" James simply pushed his head down when he tried to raise it, he had forgotten how strong he was. Sirius hissed again and closed his eyes, tears slid free of his eyes as he tried to force his body to relax. "S-stop...Please..."

"That's it...yes..." James moved slowly, his eyes half closed and his glasses wonky. His fingers dug into Sirius' hips and he felt him relax enough for him to slip deeper. "I missed you. I missed you I missed...nnn..." He only got a grunt in reply, but he was too far gone to notice that Sirius wasn't responding. His thrusts began to speed up and the man beneath him buried his face in his arms, his body trembling as he felt something trickle down his thighs. His fingers dug into the carpet and he waited for James to finish. His nerves were on fire, his lower back throbbing with pain and his jaw ached from where he was he gritting his teeth. When James began to lose rhythm he let out a small whimper, nails dragged down his back creating bloody lines and he held in another cry of pain.

"Ow...please...please...stop...it hurts..." Sirius whispered, feeling scolding tears run down his cheeks.

James had always been rough, but he had never hurt him this badly, he felt a strange emptiness as James came, there was none of James' usual tenderness, none of his soft whispers and gentle touches. Sirius collapsed as James pulled out, he rolled onto his side and curled into a ball. He felt sick. Blood and semen trickled over his skin as his abdomen ached and throbbed, he couldn't even look at his best friend, even when he heard him choke.

"S-Sirius..." James reached for him, guilt sitting heavily in his chest. "I-I..."

"No! Get the fuck off of me and get out! You _bastard_! I trusted you! I fucking _trusted_ you and..." Sirius let out a heart wrenching sob that drove a spike of grief into James' stomach.

"What's going o-..." Remus stepped out of his room and as his sleepy eyes took in the scene they widened. "James! What...? Oh god..." He ran over and fell beside Sirius. "Siri...shh...it's alright." He turned on James, his eyes flashing yellow in the firelight. "What the fuck have you done?" He growled, baring his teeth in a feral snarl.

"I-I...I'm...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I got carried away! I didn't mean to...he wanted it...a-and I went too far...I was in too much of a hurry...I lost it...Sirius...Please..."

"Fuck off! Get out!" Sirius sat up and threw a punch at James who caught his wrist deftly and held him still, he grabbed the other one just to be sure. "Get off of me! You prick! I was asking! I was fucking _begging_ you...I ASKED YOU TO STOP! YOU RAPED ME!"

Remus stared at James with wide eyes, but it was the pain in Sirius' that made him let go. He was shaking and gasping in shuddery breaths as he gazed at James with huge eyes, he had his back against the sofa and tears still fell down his cheeks, he felt as if his heart was ripping it's self to shreds inside his chest, he trusted James, he had trusted him with everything and now he had ripped it all away and torn it up into tiny pieces. "James...I...Think you should go back to Lily now." Remus said in a cold whisper, he had one hand on Sirius' shoulder protectively. "You're going to kill her if you tell her." His voice was low and level but his eyes were cold.

James shoved fingers into his hair and lowered his head. "I'm sorry...forgive me...please."

"You didn't stop when I asked." Sirius croaked, his voice dead. "I asked...I begged...you didn't listen."

"I know! I know! I don't deserve you...I-I don't deserve Lily...It's just...It's so fucking hard! I-I...I could die tomorrow! I could be murdered and I-It...It terrifies me! I'm scared...I'm scared and I'm too weak!" He felt his insides twist with agony. "I'm too fucking young for this."

Sirius took a slow breath and let it out, he closed his eyes and tipped his head back against the sofa. "I'm sorry." He muttered. "I-I wasn't thinking...I wanted you too much and I realised I'll never be able to let you go. James..." He looked up, the pain in his eyes was terrible to behold but James couldn't look away. "I'm in love with you."

Suddenly James stood, he looked stricken. "You should have just punched me." He gasped and rapidly did up his belt, he walked to the door almost stumbling on the rug, but when he reached for the handle he stopped. "Sirius...I'm sorry but I...I think I l-love you too..." With that he was gone.

As the door closed behind him Sirius found himself staring blankly at the wall opposite him, it had a poster of a bikini clad woman draped provocatively over a motorbike. He shuddered and only half heard Remus talking to him, he let himself be helped to his feet and tugged gently to the bathroom.

Remus helped wash him, his voice a comforting drone in Sirius' ears as he tipped his head back in the shower and let the hot water wash away his tears. He had never thought James would betray him like that, but now he had time to think it had been him who had pushed him, it was Sirius' fault for saying what he had. He pressed his forehead into the wall and sighed shakily. "'M alright Remus...I-I'll be...alright..."

"Are you sure?" Remus replied, touching him gently on the shoulder.

"Yeah...It was my fault. I-I said...some nasty things...and I think it made him angry."

"Still, that's no excuse."

"No...but it's a reason." He smiled weakly as he turned around to face his friend, slowly he lifted his hand and stroked wet hair from Remus' eyes. "Thanks."

Remus returned his smile and threw the flannel at him. "Its fine, I owe you a lot. Washing you isn't nearly enough payment...but it's a start."

Later Sirius lay in bed gazing up at the ceiling, he was thinking of James. He lifted his hands and scrubbed at his face with a deep sigh, he couldn't stop thinking about him, it was torture to remember the way he had been so violent and yet he couldn't think any less of him. "I'd forgive you anything, James." He whispered to the darkness as James' face hovered in the forefront of his mind. When he closed his eyes he could see nothing but that face, those hazel eyes and his smile, he rolled over and tried to sleep but it wasn't until he could hear birds chirping outside that sleep finally took him in her gentle hands and dragged him down into darkness.

"Sirius..."

Sirius groaned, something was shaking his shoulder.

"Siri, wake up."

"Pissoff'm sleepy..."

"Get your fat arse out of bed, Sirius Black, we've been called to an emergency meeting."

Sirius bolted out of bed, the duvet flying off of him as he jumped to his feet. "'M up!" He said and yawned.

"Christ! You could have had the decency to at least put some underwear on." Remus muttered and shook his head, he was fully dressed in a jumper and jeans, his hair still damp from his shower.

Sirius shrugged. "It's just nudity Remmy, come on, you were washing me yesterday."

"Yes, except then I didn't have to look at your morning wood." Remus was determinedly looking in the opposite direction.

"Oh! Would you look at that. Good morning Mini-pads...I guess I'll go take a shower." He laughed at Remus' shudder. "Unless you want to lend me a hand?" His voice dropped to a sensual purr and he stepped close to Remus who backed away.

"No...definitely not. Sorry but I like breasts far too much."

"Ah, shame. You're cute and I can't say I would refuse you if you did...well, Mr. Righty, looks like it's just you and me." He grinned all the way into the shower.

When he was done he moved into the kitchen to find toast and marmalade ready and waiting for him, Remus was lounging in the kitchen seat and reading the Daily Prophet while munching away on his own breakfast. His hair had dried into a fall of wavy brown that fell across his face but couldn't hide the scar that ran down his cheek. "Before you start, I don't want to know how wonderful your wank was, sit and eat and stay quiet." He ordered without looking up from the morning paper. "Oh, and there's an owl for you." He waved his toast vaguely in the direction of a large Tawny Owl that was standing on the back of the sofa, it ruffled its feathers angrily as Sirius stared at it.

"That's Evans' owl." He muttered with a frown, he went over to it and untied the letter. The owl hooted at him before taking off in a whirl of brown and soaring back out the window. Remus watched Sirius sit down and tear the letter open with a thumb and his toast clamped between his teeth, his face fell into a frown and he looked up. "She thinks we need to talk..." He said slowly. "James...told her..."

Remus chewed slowly for a minute before swallowing and gently laying his breakfast back on his plate, he folded his hands over his paper and gazed at Sirius. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to tell her to stay away from James, I want to tell her he's mine...I want to have him for myself." Sirius answered softly.

"No, about the letter. Is it really such a good idea?"

"I think..." Sirius stared at the letter with a frown. "I think I want to see what she wants."

"Ok, if you want I could come with you?"

"No, I'll be fine Remus, I'm a big boy now." Sirius smiled but Remus saw the darkness in those silver pools, he said nothing however as he stood to prepare for the emergency Order meeting.

James entered the dilapidated house, its roof was crumbling thatch and the rooms were now mostly inhabited by weeds and ivy. He found the only room that was half way decent, inside were a group of people looking grim as they nodded greetings. "Where's Dumbledore?" He asked as he pushed aside a fall of ivy.

"Not here yet, where's the girlfriend, Potter?" One of the Prewett twins asked, he was perched on an ancient piano and his mop of ginger hair almost obscured his brown inquisitive eyes.

"Oh...er...she'll be here soon I expect." James replied vaguely, ruffling his hair up nervously.

"Alright! No need to panic, I'm here now!" Sirius' loud voice echoed through the cottage and a few people chuckled. He appeared in the doorway getting tangled up in the vines that covered it. "Get 'em off!" He called and James heard Remus' laughter, he almost smiled himself until he remembered what he had done and guilt filled him with dread and shame. "Ah, thank you moony...thought I was a goner then..." Sirius stepped into the room and wrinkled his nose in distaste. "How is this any fit place to hold a meeting? I mean really, Dumbledore may be brilliant and all but he has bad taste in decor..." his eyes met James' and he fell silent, they gazed at each other and slowly a smile spread across Sirius' face, with one look he told James that he forgave him and James felt a responding smile fill his face. "Jamie..." Sirius said as he walked over to James and held out his hand, James looked at it before knocking it aside and dragging him into a rough embrace, Sirius wrapped his arms around him and chuckled roughly.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot."

"I know, its fine."

They pulled apart and Remus came over to shake James' hand and greet the others who had arrived before them. There was a sudden strange squeaking sound which made people start to look around in search of the source, Sirius' eyes moved straight to the entrance and he saw Peter fall through the ivy, it had tangled him up so thoroughly he looked half plant. Sirius burst into raucous hysterics, and James sniggered before moving forward to help untangle his friend. "Peter, are you alright?" He said, giving the round boy a hand to his feet.

"Oh...thank you, yes, I'm fine James." He brushed his robes down and gazed around at everyone. "Is this it? Where's Hagrid and Marlene? What about Dumbledore?"

Sirius moved to the smashed in window, a frown creased his brows. "Wait...Remus...give me the letter!" He held out his hands, eyes remaining glued to the overgrown garden outside. "Quickly!" Remus dug inside his robes and handed Sirius the letter, he took it and looked at it carefully. "Who wrote this?"

"The signature is Dearborn's..." Remus said slowly, pointing to the bottom of the parchment.

Sirius frowned. "What did everyone else get?" He asked, his eyes as sharp as the knife he kept in his biker boots.

"Dearborn signed ours as well." The Twins said in unison, Gideon brandished the parchment.

"Why? What's wrong?" James asked, leaning closer.

"Did Lily get a letter?" Sirius asked James who shrugged uncomfortably.

"She and I...er...we're taking a break." He admitted as heat flushed his face and he avoided Sirius' eyes.

"Has anyone else been contacted by anyone else in the Order?" Silence greeted this question and Sirius frowned. "The parchment smells of blood..." He muttered in a tight voice.

"What do you mean? How can you tell?" Fabien asked, walking closer to inspect it.

"It reeks." Sirius let the letter fall from his fingers and drew his wand in a fluid movement, he turned and gazed out into the garden again. "It's a trap...EVERYONE DOWN!" He grabbed James and yanked them roughly to the floor just as the world was turned upside-down, there was a terrible rending crash and smoke and fire filled the air, clogging it as the roof collapsed on top of them. Sirius inhaled a lungful of dust filled air, he choked and blinked to clear his vision, his ears rang from the explosion but he had managed to keep hold of his wand. His hand was gripping James who looked as if he had gone grey with all the debris in his hair, his glasses hung from one ear and one lens had cracked. Sirius turned to Remus and saw him covered by a broken door, he coughed and began crawling over to him as James began pushing away bricks and mortar to free Fabien or Gideon.

"R-remus..." Sirius coughed, his throat sore and his voice came out like a growl. "Remmy..." He shook Remus' shoulder after pushing the door off of him, slowly he pointed his wand at his freind. "R-renovate..." He rasped and watched Remus gasp and choke as he came around and pushed himself up onto all fours. "Prongs, is everyone..." Sirius turned to see James helping Gideon pull his twin from beneath more rubble, others were dislodging dust and bricks as they recovered.

"I think everyone's fine." James rasped. "Is anyone hurt?" He called.

"I think I twisted my ankle, but I'm alright." Peter's soft squeak came from a dark corner. Sirius crawled towards him and looked down at his ankle, he pulled back the robes and trousers that covered it. The flesh was raw and swollen.

"Yeah, it's not broken...here..." He pointed his wand at it and it healed. "You should be able to stand now." He helped Peter to his feet just as they heard the familiar cracks as people Appartated all around them.

James swore loudly and jumped to his feet. "Everyone, stand in a circle, face outwards! Don't let them get behind you!" He shouted and people jumped to obey. Sirius stood at James' side, wand pointing outward as dark clad figures began moving towards them. Sirius' eyes darted from side to side, there were outnumbered two to one. His shoulder brushed James' and he felt his hand slide into his, their fingers tightened and they each took a breath before one Death Eater stood forward, his face was covered by a mask and his stature was slight.

"Well, well...I never expected anyone to actually fall for this plan." The man said, his voice was soft and Sirius tensed as recognition flooded him.

"No..." He breathed, gaining the attention of the Death Eater. "No...Tell me you didn't..."

The Death Eater met Sirius' eyes, slowly he lifted his hand and grabbed his mask. It came off and clattered to the floor and revealed a face so familiar Sirius felt his heart break in his chest. "It's been a while." The boy said.

"Reg..." Sirius replied. "Baby brother..."

"Not a baby, Sirius. I've grown up..." There was such sadness in his eyes that Sirius almost let his wand drop to his side and pull him into an embrace.

"This...what is this? What are you doing?" He asked, waving his wand at the robes and mask.

"I'm doing what Mother and Father wanted from you, I'm making them proud of me. I'm changing the world!" His eyes shone with a light that sent shivers down Sirius' spine.

"You're being a fool, Regulus!" He said slowly. "You've always been so easily led...I-It's not too late, Reg..." He lifted his hand after releasing James' hand and took a step forward, he ignored the other Death Eaters and fixed his eyes on his brother. "Come with me. Leave this insanity and I'll do everything in my power to protect you! I promise you. Come with me Reg, before all this destroys you."

Regulus took a step forward, his eyes on Sirius' hand, he took it and dragged his brother into an embrace. The other Death Eaters didn't move a muscle and James frowned, Sirius' shoulders tensed and his wand fell from his hand. Slowly he pulled himself away, his eyes were wide and he gripped his brothers shoulders.

"Sirius! NO!" Remus shouted lifting his wand.

It took a second for the rest of the Order to work out what had happened, James felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach as he watched Sirius fall to his knees and blood ran from his lips. He slowly looked down to stare at a silver dagger that was gripped in hi brothers fingers. "R-Re-Reg..." He stared at the knife as his own blood dripped down it before slowly bringing his fingers to the source of the dull ache in his gut. Hot blood poured over his hands. He coughed suddenly and more blood poured from his lips, Regulus stepped backwards, kicking his hand away.

"You deserve it. I promised I'd help mother erase you from the Family tree, Sirius. I promised her as she was lying in bed, sick with fever! You made her ill with your constant rebellion! It's your fault Father died! It's...It's all your fault! You broke the family up! Now it's up to me to fix it."

Sirius' vision blurred with more than tears as he gazed in numb shock at the blood on his hands. It was hard to get his sluggish mind into focus, he could hardly even remember when his brother had stabbed him.

James watched in horror as Sirius collapsed onto the rubble. All hell broke loose, light filled the small cottage as the Order attacked. Death Eaters fell or fought, it was chaos but James could only think of getting close enough to Regulus and Sirius. He had to help him. He had to heal him before it was too late.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Hi, another chapter, I hated to keep you hanging for too long so I will relieve you of the tension...Enjoy and R&R as usual! Love you all.**

_**"It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them."**__**  
**__**- Duc de la Rochefoucauld**_

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, James ran to Sirius' side and fell to his knees as spells flew over his head in a rainbow of colours and shouts and screams rent the air. A shadow fell across him and he found himself looking up into a masked face, he lifted his wand and snarled the spell hit his enemy in the chest and sent him flying into another. James didn't watch what happened next, he bent his head and rolled Sirius onto his back. Blood stained his t-shirt, bright crimson against the white fabric, the tear where the knife had pierced his abdomen was wide and revealed the wound as Sirius' own body pumped his life-blood everywhere. James choked on his tears, he lifted a shaking hand and smoothed hair from his face, Sirius' eyes flickered and he could feel him growing colder. "Hold on...hold on Siri...We'll get help..." he looked up and searched the battle grounds for Remus, the Werewolf was fighting his way towards them, his wand a blur as he fought desperately. James gave his wand a complicated wave, an invisible barrier appeared and deflected any spells sent in their direction as he pressed both hands to Sirius' wound. He leaned his weight on it, having seen something similar in a muggle magazine. He wasn't entirely sure if he was doing it right but his mind was almost blank with panic as he muttered under his breath. "Hold on. Help's coming. Live, you bastard...Don't you dare die on me...not now..." He pointed his wand at the wound and muttered a healing spell, the skin slowly began to knit itself back together again and James let a sigh of relief escape him until it split open again. "Shit!" He gasped as a powerful spell hit his shield and he looked up to see Regulus trying to break it down. "Shit...shit shit..." He swallowed and began applying more pressure to the wound. "No! No...Please don't die..." Light flashed around him like lightening, he only vaguely heard screams and shouts and explosions, his hands trembled as he felt hot blood cover them and Sirius grew pale beneath him. Tears fell down his face as he muttered under his breath and tried to stem the flow of blood, he wasn't even aware of his barrier as it shattered beneath the assault of several spells.

Remus looked over to where Sirius and James were, he saw James leaning all his weight on Sirius' wound and frowned, that didn't bode well if healing magic wasn't working. Then he watched the barrier shatter and several Death Eaters close in about them. "James!" He screamed but his friend merely lowered his head, shoulders shaking with repressed sobs as one of the Death Eaters pointed a wand at his head. He ran. His legs took him towards his friends, he dodged a curse and spun around to take down the one who had fired it. Regulus stood there with a sneer on his young face.

"It won't do you any good, Half-breed." He hissed. "He's dead."

"No...No...I won't let you do this!" Remus lifted his wand in a shaking hand. "He won't die! He's stronger than that..."

"Don't fool yourself, he's weak! My brother never cared about me...he preferred his filthy friends over his own blood! I'm family and yet he always treated us like scum! It's your fault he turned out this way, you corrupted him you and that disgusting Blood-traitor! You'll all die here and then perhaps my mother can finally know peace!"

Remus looked into Regulus' eyes and felt a terrible rage fill him. It was as if the wolf was clawing at his insides trying to get free, he clutched his chest and gasped as he lowered his head. "D-Don't...don't call...him weak..."

"He's useless! All he has ever done is cause pain and grief, he destroys everything he touches!"

"Stop..."

"The truth hurts doesn't it, Half-breed?"

Slowly Remus lifted his head, his eyes had turned amber and in the light streaming through the broken roof he looked deranged as he snarled at Regulus. "Don't you dare insult my friend!" He aimed his wand but before he could utter a spell there was a scream, he whirled around and saw a tall figure outlined by the sunlight and a whoop of celebration went up from the Order members.

"Dumbledore!" Regulus hissed before turning on the spot and disappearing in a swirl of robes.

XXX

Lily ran to the door of the house, she pounded on it frantically until it was opened by a small round boy with a mop of thin mousy hair. "Peter! I-Is he here?" She gasped.

Peter nodded and stepped back. "I wouldn't go..."

"He's _my_ boyfriend, I have more right than anyone to see him!" She snapped before moving into the house, it was small and friendly with patterned wall paper and carpets. She could smell flowers but beneath that was the distinct smell of blood. With a shudder she moved up the stairs, walking past moving photographs of four boys all grinning happily out at her, she glanced at them without really seeing them as she reached the landing and moved down the corridor to a door that stood half open. She paused when she heard voices.

"He's stable, James...calm down."

"No! Don't you fucking tell me to be calm, Remus! I have to see him...I-I...Christ! It's all my fault! I was too stupid...not fast enough...ow! Shit..."

"Lie down you fool, keep still or you'll make it worse."

Slowly Lily pushed the door open and saw a small, candle lit room. On the bed was James with a bandage covering one eye, he was covered in dried blood, his hands caked in the stuff. She felt her stomach twist painfully before pushing her way into the room. Remus turned and she saw scratches down his face, his hands shook slightly and he was pale, he managed a weak smile but she turned to look at James who was covering his face with both hands. "How...?"

"It's just a head injury, James will be fine." Remus said softly but his smile was strained.

"Then who was injured? The letter said someone was dying..."

Remus swallowed and turned away, James took a shuddery breath. "It's Sirius." He whispered. "R-Regulus stabbed him a-and the wound...w-won't heal...he won't wake up...the blade was poisoned and w-we can't g-give him any blood replenishing potion b-because he needs to drink it. He's bleeding...e-everywhere..."

Lily gazed at James as he took his hands away from his eyes, she saw a tear slide down his cheek from the visible one. "I'll take a look. Ideally it would be easier if we had the knife to discover what poison was used..." She looked thoughtfully into the distance. "There are a few potions I can mix up that might help, if the wound isn't healing then it could be..." She trailed off into silence before shaking her head. "Remus, do you have any potion making kit around? I need to get started right away."

Remus nodded and left silently.

It took Lily an hour to set everything up and begin concocting something to help keep Sirius alive, she worked diligently while Remus helped her.

James sat beside Sirius' bed, holding his hand and gazing into his white face. His chest hardly rose and fell, his pulse was weak and he felt an awful wrenching sensation when he considered the possibility of Sirius' death. He kissed Sirius' cold hand and stroked hair from his face. "You can't die..." He whispered softly. "I won't let you die. You can't die without me."

Sirius didn't respond.

Night had closed in when Lily had finished, she had a smudge of soot on one cheek and her hair was frizzy from the fumes but when she turned to smile at Remus he returned it. They went up to the bedroom and found James leaning over Sirius and whispering to him, his hand clasping his tightly. Sirius was a white as the pillow behind his head, his lips parted slightly as he breathed raggedly. "How is he?" Remus asked as he stepped up behind James.

"Alive...barely." James replied in a rough voice. "Did you do it? Have you found the antidote?"

"No...but I have managed to concoct something that will help him regain consciousness." She produced a small bottle of creamy liquid. "We just need to get it into him..."

"I-I'll do it..." James took the bottle from her hand and uncorked it.

Lily sighed softly and turned away. "I'll go make us some tea..." She whispered and left before her heart broke.

Remus watched James administer the potion, he leaned down and kissed him gently before pulling away. "Wake up, Padfoot...I need you." He whispered.

_He was sitting on the floor of his living room, a tall woman stood above him screaming at him. He didn't know what he had done wrong and his tears fell to the green carpet, when she grabbed his arm her nails dug into his skin and he tried to free himself but couldn't. He struggled, fighting as she dragged him through the house, shouting terrible things, dire warnings, calling him filth and blood-traitor. He sobbed desperately trying to explain, he hadn't meant it. He only wanted to find out if the boy really was a monster like she had told him, he only wanted to play hide and seek with him. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know it would make her angry! He didn't mean it! The bath tub was cold against his skin, the water worse. He shivered and tried to scream for help but he just swallowed more water, he was drowning. His little hands clawed at her as she held him under, all he could see was her face as he fought furiously, splashing water everywhere. It wasn't his fault. He didn't mean it. He just wanted a friend..._

"...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...Mum...please...Please stop...you're hurting..." Sirius' eyes flickered open and he gasped as he expected to see that woman's face hovering above him, her eyes full of madness as she tried to drown her oldest son. But, when his eyesight cleared he was looking into a single hazel eye full of gentleness. He choked and reached up, gently touching the bandage, he wasn't aware that he was crying. "J-James?" He rasped.

"Padfoot!" James pulled him into a tight embrace that sent a pang of agony through Sirius' abdomen and managed to make him feel faint, but he pushed it aside and wrapped his arms around his best friend, breathing in his familiar scent.

"James...I thought you'd gone...she told me you'd died...there was green and it _hurt_..."

"Shh, it was a nightmare. It's alright now, I'm here."

When James released him Sirius fell backwards with a groan, his hand went to his wound and came away bloody. He watched it dripping down his fingers before moving his blurry eyes to his friends. "What...what happened? Why 'm I...bleeding...I..." a wave of dizziness cut him off and he closed his eyes briefly, when they flickered open again he was breathing raggedly. He gazed into his friends eyes for a long while before smiling softly. "I'm dying...aren't I?" he croaked.

"No...no, we'll save you." Remus replied, kneeling by the bed and grabbing his hand. "We'll save you, I promise."

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. "Knew you wouldn't be...able to let me go..." His laugh hurt him and he winced. "'m bleeding to bloody death here...where's my...ugh...where's my thousand mourners? I wanted...to go out...with a bang..." He gasped and squeezed his eyes shut tightly as sweat broke out on his forehead. "Don't...don't let me go without some kind of last laugh...t-tell me you got my brother..." When he opened his eyes and saw the sadness in his friend's faces he sighed and closed them again. "Bloody hurts..." He gasped, tipping his head back against the pillow. "Why'd you wake me up? I could have...I could have died in my sleep...at least...you cruel fucking bastards..."

"You're not dying!" James snapped furiously. "If you die on me I swear on every deity in existence that I will follow you beyond the veil and make you regret leaving me! If we die we die together, we _swore_, Padfoot!"

Sirius laughed but winced as pain shot through him. "Yeah, a childish oath. I'm...sorry Prongsy..."

"No. Stop being like this...we'll save you! I promise you."

Sirius merely smiled at him, he lifted his arm which seemed to have been filled with led while he was unconscious and touched James' face. "I love you, James Potter...you useless bastard. There are worse things...than death...always, always worse..."

"This...this is getting us nowhere." Remus rasped. He frowned and grabbed another bottle of potion from the side table. "Here." He shoved it at James. "Force it down his throat if you have to, I want him alive and looking a bit less like a ghost by the time I come back! Understand _this_, Padfoot Old friend, If you die while I'm gone I will learn the art of necromancy just to bring you back so I can fucking kill you again! Understand me?"

Sirius nodded but he was smiling. "God...I love you guys..." He chuckled.

Remus shot him a small, weary smile and he stood. "I've stayed too long as it is..." He glanced at the window. "I'll have to find somewhere safe..."

"Oh shit! Remus...is it...?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't expect you to worry about two of your friends, James, I'll be fine. I've put up with the transformation for fourteen years of my life, one more night won't make any difference. Just...just keep this selfish git alive, yeah?" He jerked his thumb in Sirius' direction.

"Will do. And you be careful."

"Of course." With that he left the room.

James watched as Sirius took the blood replenishing potion, once he had drained the bottle he put it aside. Sirius fell back onto the pillow with a wince and a disgusted face. "God...potions are disgusting..." He muttered.

James let a laugh escape him as he took Sirius' hand, already he felt warmer and it eased the tight knot of terror in his gut.

James hardly left Sirius' side, he slept in the same bed with him, he spent time making sure he took the blood replenishing potion, he changed bandages and helped him wash. Sirius despised it all, he hated seeing that look of fear in James' eyes, he hated being treated like an invalid, he hated more that the wound in his stomach was continuously bleeding. It was agony to sit up, it was agony to move and he had a constant high temperature that made even the thin sheets too much for him, his only solace was when James pulled him close at night and whispered into his hair. Only when James' lips found the back of his neck did he feel truly happy and he hoped that if he was going to die that it would be in his arms with a smile on his lips.

One evening Dumbledore paid them a visit, he looked grim faced as he asked after Sirius. James told him he was taking regular potions, one on top of another to keep the poisons at bay but they had yet to discover what was preventing the wound itself from healing. "Well, I think I may be able to clarify that, where is he?"

"Upstairs." James said and Dumbledore followed him up.

Sirius was perched up in bed talking to Remus, when Dumbledore entered they both greeted him. "I hear you are having trouble?"

"Trouble...yes, you could say that. I have great big hole in my stomach and it bleeds like a son of bitch but yes, other than that I'm perfectly perky."

Dumbledore smiled. "I may be able to help with that, you see I have a suspicion that the poison preventing the healing of your wound is actually snake venom."

"Snake venom?" Sirius raised an elegant eyebrow. "But Albus, what kind of snake venom lets its victim suffer like this?"

"An extremely magical creature...one such as Lord Voldemort himself may have to hand."

"Ah...I see..." Sirius' face whitened considerably. "Friendly bastard aint he?"

"Now we know what it is, hopefully we shall be able to come up with an appropriate anti-venom." At that James let out a long sigh of relief and Remus smiled, Sirius however shrugged.

"There's bad news, isn't there?" He said carefully.

"I am afraid that we have seen neither hide nor hair of Caradoc Dearborn...not since the meeting before last. I am sorry but we presume that he was captured and murdered."

"And forced to write a letter giving us the address of a fake meeting place..." Remus said softly.

James fell into a nearby seat and hung his head. "Shit...can it get any worse?"

"We must continue, no matter how bleak the prospects every step we take must be strong and we must never waver. We must remain united under our cause and common goals, to stand any hope of defeating this evil we must always stand firm, even if the odds seem impossible." Dumbledore spoke gravely and the three boys nodded.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Hi again! Finally got this chapter written! Phew! I hope you enjoy it! The italics are Sirius Black's memories, I wanted to deepen his character a bit more while putting in a bit of smut. ;) Enjoy and R&R please.

_**Sex is emotion in motion.**__**  
**__**- Mae West**_

The Anti-Venom took three days to stew and during that time Sirius began to fade in and out of consciousness, James never left his side always watching and always waiting. In the brief periods he was conscious Sirius was hardly even coherent, his voice was rough when he spoke and he muttered things, random disconnected sentences about his childhood, sometimes he would cry as he spoke to the ceiling as James held his hand and hoped he lived long enough for them to administer the potion.

During one of his spells of consciousness Lily entered the small room, it smelt of sickness and death and she hated it, but she needed to be there for James. Someone had to make sure he ate and washed, she sat at his side as he watched his friend.

Sirius' eyes were open but they were blank and lifeless, his breathing was ragged and as Lily lifted back the covers she saw that the bandages were crimson with blood. "How long since you changed them?" She asked softly.

"Half an hour ago." James replied in a monotone, his voice was rough from lack of use and his hands shook as he ran fingers through Sirius' sweaty hair.

"Oh..." She picked up some fresh gauze and set to changing the bandages, when she peeled them away she gasped in horror.

"I know." James replied.

"The wound's...corrupted..." She whispered. "Even after all those salves and disinfectants we put on it..."

"I know."

"Oh James..." She pulled him to her but he didn't respond.

"He told me he wanted an elaborate funeral." He whispered into her chest. "He t-told me that he wanted loads of people there, all weeping at his passing...h-he wanted to die a hero in some spectacular battle...But he won't. H-He'll die in a stinking room after being stabbed by his own brother! He's too young, Lily! He's too young a-and I-I can't do this...I can't do it anymore...I'm tired...and I'm lonely and I'm so fucking scared..." She felt his arms around her and she stroked his hair gently.

"Hush, he'll be alright James..."

"No...no he won't..." James replied, his shoulders shook and he gripped her tightly. "We swore we'd die together...when we were fourteen Sirius came to mine for the rest of the summer after his father had beaten him bloody because he found him chatting up this young muggle boy, he was half conscious and he had internal bleeding but even as he coughed up blood he made me swear to die with him..." Lily didn't know what to say to that so she simply kissed his messy hair and closed her eyes. "Lily?" He said after a long pause, slowly he lifted his head and gazed at her, his wounds had been healed quickly and his eyes glittered behind his glasses with unshed tears.

"Yes James?"

"Marry me." He muttered, pushing his hands into her hair as he buried his face in it, he took a deep breath and it left him in a quiet sob. "Marry me...carry my children...I-I want a family...I want you...Before I...before this war kills me."

"No one's going to die James." She said softly as she kissed him, his jaw was prickly from a growing beard from where he hadn't bothered to shave and he was pale, but it was the determination in his eyes that convinced her. "I will marry you James Potter." She whispered back and he deepened the kiss, running fingers through her hair gently.

"I love you." He muttered when he pulled away.

XXX

_Sirius stood beneath the trees opposite his house, he could see the boy closing his door, his curly brown hair blowing in the wind as he turned and spotted Sirius who returned his smile. He walked over and pushed his hands into his pockets. "Hi, I'm new to the neighbourhood...what's your name?"_

"_Sirius Black, and you are?" Sirius pushed himself away from the tree and held out his hand, the boy took it and his smile widened. He was pretty with eyes the colour of summer skies and a small, slightly rounded nose, he even had a smattering of freckles. _

"_Robert Devlin, I just moved here from Ireland with me mam." He smiled brightly, his accent was string but Sirius liked it. "So, what do you do for fun around here?"_

"_Well, I can show you the park? It's not much but it's a nice place to sit and chat."_

"_Cool, lead the way."_

_Sirius turned away and began walking through the trees, the summer sunlight illuminated everything in a soft golden glow as early evening crept in but he didn't care, he was having too much fun watching Rob from the corner of his eye. He dressed casually in a plain jumper and a pair of flared jeans but it was his smile that had initially captured Sirius' attention, he had seen the boy moving in just down the street from him and their eyes had met as his mother had urged him up the steps to number twelve, the boy had smiled brightly and waved and Sirius had found his hand half way in the air before his mothers talons had grasped his wrists and he had been dragged into the darkness of his house. So, for the first few days of summer he had taken to standing in the little plot of green grass and trees outside his house to simply watch the door of number fifteen and hope the boy would see him, and he had._

_The park was empty when they arrived as darkness had begun to fall and the two teens sat on the swings, Rob spoke of his family and the friends he'd left behind in Ireland. "Me mam worked in me uncles pub, but he went out of business, me dad said he could get a transfer to England so we came otherwise we'd have no money." He smiled. _

"_Do you miss your friends?" Sirius asked._

"_Yeah, but I'll make more." _

_Mostly Robert spoke of things Sirius didn't completely understand, things about his school and his friends, but he simply nodded when it seemed appropriate lest he ask a stupid question and make the boy think he was an idiot. He liked listening to him talk as he swung gently back and forth, his curly hair fell around his face and made him look like a debauched angle. Sirius felt an odd squirming sensation in his gut and found himself looking at the boys lips more than his eyes, he didn't want to ruin this potential friendship, but he was unable to stop staring._

_As full dark fell the boys moved to sit on a small patch of grass, Sirius lay back gazing up at the stars with a small, content smile on his face. _

"_Your name's pretty weird, isn't it?" Rob asked suddenly._

"_What makes you say that?" Sirius turned his head so he was looking at him, they were very close and he felt thankful for the darkness that hid the blush in his cheeks. He was becoming too hot beneath his t-shirt and his throat felt tight, yet he couldn't stop looking! He was confused._

"_It's the name of the dog star..." He pointed and Sirius followed his gaze to look up at his namesake. "Canis Major..."_

"_The brightest star in the constellation." He breathed. _

"_Why did your parents call you that?"_

_Sirius shrugged. "It's a family name, most of my family are named after the stars." He wrinkled his nose slightly. "I guess they're just set out to cause me grief."_

_The boy chuckled softly. "You're pretty weird for a teenager, too."_

"_So I have been told, many times." He smiled as he thought of James' teasing._

"_You have a nice smile."_

_That shocked Sirius out of his reminiscence. "Y-You what?" He turned to stare at his companion who was suddenly very, very close...uncomfortably so._

"_Well, you're pretty nice looking, you got nice hair."_

"_I-I..." Sirius Stammered helplessly, feeling heat creep into his face like burning lava. "I..."_

"_How old are you?"_

"_T-Thirteen..."_

_The boy smiled sweetly. "Two years younger than me."_

"_Really?" Sirius' eyes widened incredulously. "You look my age."_

"_I know, it confuses people, but I promise you I'm fifteen."_

"_O-Oh..." _

"_I've uh...also got a secret..." He had lifted himself up onto his elbow and was looking at Sirius intently._

"_Wh-What is that then?"_

_Without a word the boy leaned close and pressed his lips against Sirius'. His eyes widened but a strong hand slid into his hair and held him still as Rob drew himself closer, a tongue crept out and ran across Sirius' lips so he opened them automatically. Sirius' eyes closed of their own accord and he was rolled onto his back, his fingers found that lovely curly hair and tangled there, he couldn't think so his body seemed to have gone on auto-pilot. His kiss was nervous, slightly sloppy and he shook slightly but the older boy seemed to have expected that and as he pulled away he chuckled. _

"_You're cute." He said with that bright smile. "That was your first kiss, wasn't it?" Sirius flushed brightly and avoided his gaze but Rob grabbed his chin and made him meet his gaze. "Sirius, have you ever kissed a girl before?" Sirius swallowed nervously and shook his head. "So...You're gay? Right?"_

"_N-No I..." _

"_Does this turn you on?" He reached down between them and touched Sirius' crotch, he gasped and his eyes widened._

"_W-What are you doing?"_

"_Nothing, shh...relax..." He murmured, leaning down and kissing him again as his fingers pulled open Sirius' jeans and slid inside his underwear, he found himself gripping his wrist as he moved his hips, pushing his erection into the boy's fingers. It was unlike anything Sirius had ever dreamed of, he had never been interested in any of the girls who tried to get him to go out with them, he had even seen boobs but it hadn't done anything for him. When James came back the summer before last with a muggle magazine containing naked girls in provocative poses, it was the men that had drawn Sirius' eye. He had never said this, only laughed along with his friends and pretended that the girls were attractive. It was only now he was gaining a slim understanding of why that was so, yet still he strongly denied it. Even as Rob's fingers speeded up, gripping him tighter as he gasped and panted beneath him, he still tried to convince himself that he was a normal, straight guy. Because he touched himself sometimes, why was another boy doing it for him any different?_

_With that logic he managed to let go and found himself gasping and moaning into the boys mouth as he felt his orgasm approach, his fingers tightened around Rob's wrist and he threw his head back letting a wave of pleasure so intense it almost made him cry, wash through him._

_Afterwards he lay still panting slightly as he brushed hair from his eyes and turned to face Rob. "I-I..." he couldn't find any words so Robert chuckled and took his hand, pressing it to his own erection. Sirius swallowed nervously, his eyes flicking downwards, he could feel him through his jeans. _

"_Return the favour..." Robert whispered softly, kissing Sirius once more._

_Sirius nodded, still feeling unsure about everything but wanting to pay the boy back in kind. He fumbled open his jeans and closed his eyes as he reached inside his shorts. When he touched it a thrill of excitement shot up his spine and he could feel himself growing hard again, he ignored it and forced his eyes open so he could look at Roberts face. The boys had half closed his eyes and his breathing came heavily, he reached down and put his own hand around Sirius' so he could control the pace. "I-Is that...?"_

"_Shh...It's good..." Robert replied huskily and kissed him once again, Sirius responded as best he could but it was getting terribly difficult to concentrate on anymore than one thing at a time._

_Robert took a lot longer to come but when he did he whispered Sirius' name into his ear and made him bite down hard on his own lip to prevent the moan that wanted to rip free of him, he felt hot liquid splatter his fingers and finally relaxed his hand and opened his eyes._

_After that they met up every so often, Sirius enjoyed Rob's company, he was kind and smiled a lot and put Sirius at ease. They laughed together and had fun, Sirius found himself smiling a lot more, even when he returned home at night. It was only when he was lying in bed and trying to sleep when he would think about Rob's hands around him, the way his fingers had squeezed just so...and before he knew it he was imitating those movements, imagining Rob's lips on his own as he groaned quietly into his pillow._

_His joy in his new friend, however, wasn't to last. _

_One night Sirius ended up being grounded for not using the correct fork at dinner, but he had managed to send Rob a note by pinning it to a tree. When his parents were asleep Sirius climbed out of bed and changed into some clothes before pulling open his window and gazing at the trees opposite, when he saw Rob's small figure in the shadows he grinned and began climbing out. There were no foot or handholds any normal person would have been able to cling to, but Sirius had long ago learned that being a Wizard meant that normal rules need not apply and he climbed down quickly and landed lightly on the pavement before running off into the trees. Rob greeted him with a long kiss, Sirius was getting better at it the longer they practised, and then they were hand in hand and walking to their usual hang out spot by the park._

_When they found an area that people seldom ventured Rob pushed Sirius against a wall and they began kissing again, he found himself unable to stop the smile on his face as he pushed his hands into that adorable hair. When Rob pulled away he was panting slightly and his eyes bright. "Sirius, I want to try something different tonight...is that alright?"_

_There was only a split hesitation before he spoke. "That's fine." He said softly as Rob's smile returned and he nuzzled Sirius' neck._

"_Good. Come on then..." _

_It began normally enough, with their hands shoved roughly in each other's trousers, but then Sirius felt Rob's other hand sliding down the __**back**__ of his jeans, he tried to pull away but Rob deepened the kiss. "Hush...I'll be gentle..." He whispered so softly that Sirius let his that finger slide into him._

_He gasped and shuddered but Rob's whispers kept him from making too much noise even as he added another and it started to burn slightly, yet Sirius could still feel his other hand on his cock and he tipped his head back against the tree at his back and groaned. "That's it, Sirius...Quiet now..."_

"_R-Robert...Rob...I-I...Nnn...That's nice..." Sirius gasped, moving his hips slowly as his hands gripped Rob's jacket tightly. "I-I'm...I'm going to...Nnn...oh shit...Rob...!" his orgasm hit him hard and his knees almost buckled, Rob held him up but then there was sound that made Sirius go cold inside._

"_Sirius Orion Black! What in Merlin's name are you doing?"_

_Sirius looked up to see his father standing feet away, his face was white with fury and his eyes narrowed. "F-Father..." _

"_You disgusting piece of trash! How dare you! How dare you dirty your pure blood with the touch of a muggle, a boy no less! Come here right now, you disgust me! You useless trash!" Orion grabbed his son by the hair and flung him to the ground._

"_Dad! No! Stop! It's not his fault! Please!" Sirius shouted. "Rob! Run!" He watched his friend frown._

"_Hey, you don't treat your own kid that way!"_

"_Don't you dare talk to me! I will punish you as well as my useless son!"_

_Sirius grabbed his father's arm but Orion turned and punched him in the face, the last memory he had of that night was his father's furious face as he knocked him unconscious. _

_A few days later Sirius heard that Rob's body had been found, he had choked on his own blood after someone had witnessed a vicious attack by a gang of youths. But Sirius knew the truth, he knew his father had killed him and blamed some poor gang of Muggle teens by changing their memories...but there was nothing he could do._

XXX

Slowly Sirius opened his eyes, he found himself looking up at the ceiling, his head pounded and his tongue felt ten times too big for his mouth. He remembered his dream, it was still as clear as day in his minds eye. He could still see that little Irish boy and even hear the soft lilt of his voice, he groaned heavily and put a hand to his head.

"Sirius! You're awake!"

When he cracked an eye open he saw Remus grinning down at him, joy making his eyes glow. "Water..." He croaked and was brought some blissfully cold water which soothed his sore throat, once finished Remus helped him sit upright. "Where's James?" He asked, blinking around the room.

Something changed in Remus' manner, he was unable to meet Sirius' gaze and he felt a horrible jolt of utter terror rip through his spine. "He's not dead? Tell me he's not..."

"No, Siri, he's perfectly alive and healthy, I promise." He smiled and Sirius relaxed.

"What is it then?"

"I-It's not my place..."

"Bloody tell me."

"Sirius I..."

"Just tell me! You're making me nervous."

"We're getting married."Sirius turned his head towards the door to see Lily smiling at him and looking radiant, her green eyes glittered in her face as Sirius felt the colour drain from his own.

James Potter was going to Marry Lily Evans...the thought sent shockwaves of agony flashing through his body and he welcomed the darkness when it came to embrace him again.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: A mixture of angst and amusement in this one, also lots of rather graphic sex and we get to see a darker side to Sirius. :O His secrets are coming out!

_**Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?**__**  
**__**- Friedrich Nietzsche**_

When Sirius next came around he wasn't in any pain and his head had stopped hurting, slowly he sat up and shook his head experimentally.

"Good morning, Mr. Padfoot."

He turned his head and saw James standing over him with a smile and a cup of tea. "James..." He muttered, taking the mug in a shaking hand. "I take it I wasn't dreaming when Evans told me you were marrying her?"

"Er...no." James said, shifting uncomfortably. "I'm sorry Pads, I..."

"Don't bother." Sirius muttered as he gazed into his mug. "Have fun, enjoy your straight life."

"Come on, don't be like that..."

"Be like what? Angry? Do you even understand _why_ I'm angry?" He snapped, his eyes narrowing furiously.

"Because you love me...?" James replied.

Sirius sneered. "That and the fact that you fucking proposed to her by my fucking death bed, you heartless twat!"

"You're hardly dead!" James said defensively. "It just...happened...I wasn't thinking straight..."

"Yeah, I've noticed." Sirius hissed. "So, you gunna consummate your marriage on top of my cold corpse or what?"

"Sirius...you're being ridiculous."

"Am I?" Sirius glared at James. "If I didn't feel so weak I'd smack that look off your pretty fucking face, you bastard."

"Oi..."

"Don't 'oi' me! Do you think I'm an idiot? Your fiancé told me you asked her to marry me when you were convinced I was dying...What was I to you, James? A fling? An easy way to cop off when Miss Red-with-tits wasn't around? Come on, you've always treated me like the reserve option when she's around, don't think I never noticed...I just have a forgiving heart. But not this time, mate, no...I'm done. I'm done with you and your stupid fucking useless excuses...I reckon it's time I got myself someone who cares enough to try and make me cum first."

"Sirius...!"

"Yes, that's my name." Sirius finished his tea and finally met James' eyes and he saw the pain in them, hidden behind the anger. "Have a nice life, James, I hope you don't fuck it up like you have me."

James stood abruptly. "You can be such a twat when you want to be...do you know who saved your life? Lily! Do you know who stayed by your bedside while you were dying every single fucking day? _Me_!" he leaned down so their faces were close. "I tore myself to fucking shreds trying to keep you breathing, so don't give me your shit, Black! I held your hand. I sat at your bedside and cried for you when the only other person who did was Remus! If you're so eager to get rid of me then fine, I'll leave you to your miserable, lonely little life, but let me tell you this; Remus and I are the only people who care enough to cry over your death! When you die and I'm gone, you'll die alone. You fucking Fag."

Sirius was as still as a hunting animal before suddenly James grabbed him, yanking his pyjama top over his head as he climbed on top of him, their lips met in a furious kiss as their fingers tangled in each other's hair. "Oh god James..." Sirius gasped. "Fuck...I need you. I need you inside me right fucking _now_..."

"S-Siri...we can't...y-you're recover-ah-ing..." Sirius nipped at his throat and cut off his protests.

"Then be gentle with me, Potter...I want you..."

"Fucking hell, there's something wrong us..." James gasped, as he pulled down Sirius' pyjama bottoms to reveal his erection, he groaned heavily. "We're so messed up."

"Just get on with it! Fuck me, James."

Without another word James slid his hand downwards with Sirius gripping his wrist as he guided him to exactly where he needed him to be.

Sirius grasped the headboard desperately, his knuckles white as James moved inside him, he lowered his head with a half smile as pleasure swamped him. Their gasps filled the small room as the musky scent of sex filled the thick air, Sirius grabbed James' hand and moved it to his cock when he felt those fingers tighten and he threw his head back, pushing his hips back against his lovers. "Nnn...God..." He groaned and heard James chuckle, hot breath tickling the back of his neck. "I _love_ angry sex..."

James snapped his hips forward and leaned down, kissing the back of Sirius' neck as he moved with increasing passion. He was careful not to hurt him this time, even as sweat beaded on his forehead and ran down his back. He gasped as Sirius did something with his muscles that sent him into overdrive, he picked up his pace, swearing and muttering Sirius' name. He lost himself in the pleasure and the feel of Sirius around him, everything was perfection as, with a few careful movements of his hand and hips, he felt Sirius tremble and tense. "That's it..." He gasped, "A...a little more...Oh shit, Jamie...I'm cumming..." His toes curled and his hands tightened on the headboard as heat twisted its vicious way into his gut, like a knife made of white hot fire, he choked on James' name and vaguely felt him reach his own orgasm.

Afterwards they collapsed breathing hard, Sirius chuckled roughly, rolling over to look at James who lay on his back with a dazed look on his face. He had forgotten to remove his glasses and they hung from one ear, he looked silly with his hair sticking up every which way and the wonky glasses. Sirius felt a grin spread across his face as he adjusted James' glasses and kissed him. "Mmm...Merlin, I think I've fallen for you all over again, you silly twat." He pushed his fingers into James' hair, messing it up even further as he leaned down and kissed him deeply. "I love you James."

"Sirius..." James sighed and pulled him closer, he felt something hard press against his hip and drew away with chuckle. "You're hard again already?"

"Hey, I've been dying...haven't even been able to have a wank." Sirius bent his head and ran his tongue around a nipple making James swear softly. "Let's fuck all day..." he muttered, licking his way steadily down James' chest. "I don't want to do anything else."

"Sirius...we can't..." James sighed as Sirius paused just above his navel and frowned up at him.

"Why not?"

"Because this is Peter's house."

At that Sirius burst into hysterics and James joined him, he shoved fingers into Sirius' sweaty hair and smiled down at him. "James..." Sirius sighed softly, his eyes glittering in the candle light and his smile revealing his canine teeth.

"Yeah?"

"Where is Peter?"

"He said he had something to do in town...why?"

When Sirius' grin turned evil James returned it. "I wanna fuck in his bed."

James jumped out of bed and dragged Sirius with him, "Come on then."

They fell through Peter's bedroom door and onto the floor kissing furiously and grinding their hips against each other. "Oh fuck, Padfoot...I-I can't..."

Sirius rolled out from beneath James and stumbled onto the large double bed, the sheets were black with crimson stitching and Sirius lay back with a slow, lazy smile on his lips that James found irresistible. He climbed onto their friend's bed and leaned down to place a sloppy kiss on Sirius' collar bone, slowly he began trailing his tongue across his skin as he made his way downwards.

Sirius had his fingers tangled in James' hair as he thrust himself into James' mouth, his pants and groans filling the room as he arched his back. "God your tongue...sh-should be nnng...made illegal...Oh fuck James...I love you...I fucking-_Christ_-love you..."

After their third round in Peter's bed they lay in a tangle of sweaty limbs while they kissed slowly. "Sirius...I love you." James whispered with a smile as he kissed Sirius' temple. "If you ever try and die on me again I'll follow you...just so we can fuck in the afterlife..."

"So long as we take Pete's bed with us." Sirius chuckled as their fingers entwined.

"Merlin! What the bloody hell are you two doing?"

Sirius turned his head towards the door and grinned. "Oh, hullo, Wormy, did you have fun in town?"

"Y-You...You're naked...I-in _my_ bed...w-what..."

"Sorry, we just wanted to see how comfy your bed was and we got a bit carried away." James replied with an identical smirk to Sirius' on his lips, he began kissing Sirius' throat who moaned lustily making Peter glow the same colour as a radish. "Wanna watch, Pete? Sirius looks like he's ready for a fourth round." He slid his hand down Sirius' chest and into the hair at the base of his cock which was just coming back to life. "We'll make sure to put on a good show..."

Peter gaped, seemingly torn between disgust and fascination as James began gliding his hand up and down Sirius' erection, he drew noises from him that Peter had never heard anyone make before. "I-I...I...S-Stop it!" He squeaked finally with his eyes glued to Sirius as he thrust into James' hand. "Stop! It's disgusting!"

"Then why don't you leave, Wormy?" James replied, slowly running his tongue up Sirius' neck. Sirius wrapped his arm around the back of James' neck, he had his back to him and his eyes half closed. "Seems to me our Padfoot likes an audience..." James whispered hoarsely, his eyes never leaving Peter. "Do you like that, Siri?"

"...nnn...yeah...don't stop...Prongs...d-don't ever fucking stop..."

James chuckled, enjoying Peter's discomfort, he nipped Sirius' shoulder and made him groan heavily. "Watch him Peter, isn't he beautiful?"

"No! He's a-a guy! I said stop it! That's my bed and my sheets and..." Sirius' groan interrupted him and his face turned an even darker shade of red as he watched Sirius come undone at the hands of James.

"James...Jamie...More...faster..." Sirius gasped, thrusting his hips into James' accommodating palm. "Yes! That's it...I'm cumming..." his eyes snapped shut and Peter uttered a tiny, almost imperceptible groan as Sirius came all over the bed. After a moment he opened his eyes and blinked slightly before collapsing back into James' arms with a satisfied smile.

"Looks like our Wormy's hiding something from us, Pads." James said softly with a chuckle.

"He came in his pants." Sirius replied sleepily as he stretched out on the bed with a noise like a satisfied kitten. "He's such a Virgin!"

"I'm not a queer, you bastards! I want you gone by the time I get back you disgust me!" Peter shouted as he slammed the door and left the other two in hysterics.

Later, after a long shower James and Sirius sat outside the room Peter had locked himself in, they held hands with their backs to the wall. "Peter, we're sorry...come on, stop being pathetic and come out so we can apologise properly!" James called through the door.

"No! Piss off!"

"But Petey, we need the fourth Marauder else it's just not the same...who else are we going to tease about being in the closet?" Sirius giggled when James elbowed him.

"He doesn't mean that, Peter. Come on, come out and we can apologise and you can shout at us...Please?" James rubbed his thumb across Sirius' palm and they smiled at each other softly.

"You can even curse me if you like, Wormy...I'll make it up to you in whatever way you want!" Sirius called through the wood. "Just stop being an idiot and come out..." He paused. "You know, this is kind of ironic when I think about it..." James stifled his giggles behind his hand. "You can't stay in there forever, and if you try we're just going to blast it down..."

Finally the door opened to reveal a pointed, rat-like face and watery blue eyes. "What are you going to do to make up for my mental scarring?"

"I've already washed your sheets, mate." Sirius said with a smile.

"Not enough."

"What do you want then?" James asked.

Peter slipped out of the room looking nervous. "I-I..." He was looking at Sirius with something in his eyes that made him shift uncomfortably.

"Um...Peter...I..." Sirius stood slowly. "Look...I'm sorry we did that and I am willing to do almost anything, b-but not...you know...with you...I'm sorry..."

Peter flushed vibrantly and looked down at his feet. "But you let James shag you, and you let all those other guys fuck you all over school, and probably even Remus..."

"Remus? Remus is _straight_, Peter. We've never gone further than a drunken kiss, and even that was a dare from James...and you were there! He told me it was awful." Sirius pouted slightly as he remembered that. "Bastard." He added as an afterthought.

James was watching Peter with bright interest. "So...all this time, the only reason you freaked out about Sirius' sexuality is because you're..."

"I'm not gay!" Peter snapped.

"Ok, and I'm not the sexiest bloke to ever walk the streets of London." Sirius muttered sarcastically, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You want to bed Sirius." James said slowly, he wrinkled his nose slightly as he thought. "Well, I mean if it's only one night I'd consent..."

Sirius turned on him. "_'Consent'_? Did I just hear you say _'consent'_? You jumped up prick! I think _I_ will be the one consenting or not, it's my body and I don't exactly belong to you, do I?"

James snorted with laughter and Sirius kicked him lightly. "I was joking, calm down." James said with a grin.

Peter watched the friendly teasing, he chewed on his lip and clenched his hands into fists. "I-I..." the two looked at him and he felt uncomfortable under their gazes, so he looked at his feet and frowned. "I'll tell Lily." He whispered with a determined frown, James climbed to his feet slowly.

"You wouldn't..."

"I would. I'll tell her I caught you two fucking and doing disgusting things in my house and then she'll call of this farce of a marriage...and then even Remus would be angry with you two! You know he likes Lily, and he would side with her."

Sirius glanced at James and saw him lower his head, he felt sick when he saw the guilt on his face so he closed his eyes and tipped his head back. "What do you want, Peter?" he whispered. "Say it outright and...and I'll do it..."

"Sirius, you don't have to..." James said hoarsely, he put a hand on his arm. "Lily will find out anyway...I-It's obvious I can't let you go..."

Sirius turned to him and kissed him gently on the forehead. "It's fine mate, I've done worse...trust me." When they looked into each other's eyes James saw something there that made him frown as he realised that Sirius had been hiding something from him. "I might talk about it later, Jamie...but not now...I'm not ready."

Peter steeled himself, pushing away all his nervousness and spoke quickly. "I want to sleep with you Sirius." His voice rose an octave so it came out sounding more like a squeak but when Sirius turned to him he knew he would get his darkest desire.

"Alright then...just swear you'll keep it a secret."

"I swear."

"Good..." Sirius chewed his lip. "This...this going to be awkward...isn't it?" He sighed and pushed hair from his eyes. "So, when do you want to do it?"

Peter gaped at him. "Y-You're really...going to...?"

"Yes, I keep my word, Peter." He smiled weakly. "When do we schedule this erm...night of passion?"

James looked wary, he watched Peter's eyes sparkle and felt a sudden urge to pull Sirius away and stop it from happening, he wanted to keep Sirius for himself...but he knew he couldn't. He knew Lily would be hurt desperately by what they had done and they needed to keep it a secret, so he simply stayed silent and watched as Peter decided they would be doing it that very night.

Sirius sat by Peter's front door with a cigarette dangling from his lips, he had both knees drawn to his chest as he dreaded the night to come. He shuddered at the very notion of letting Peter have his hands on him, but what choice did he have? James sat down at his side and leaned his head on his shoulder. "You really going through with this?" James asked softly, snatching the cigarette from Sirius.

"Yeah, 'fraid so." He said with a small smile.

"Sirius...what you said before about you having done worse...what did you mean?"

Sirius closed his eyes and became still for a very long time, finally when he opened them he was looking at James with an unusually sober expression. "Do you remember when I said that my first time was at Hogwarts?" He whispered and James nodded slowly. "I lied." He looked away again. "I was thirteen when I met the first guy I actually wanted...he was a muggle, his name was Robert and he was..." He smiled affectionately as he closed his eyes again. "He was so pretty and kind and gentle...I reckon now, although I didn't know it back then, that he was probably my first love. You know, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I would dream of his smile at night and he was so perfect..." his sigh was sad. "My father killed him...beat him to death before blaming a gang of muggles. Of course, the Ministry never bothered investigating, he was clever enough not to use any magic except to cover his tracks. So, it was another horrific murder of a gay boy who pissed off some gang...inevitably the police never bothered looking deeper, hell, who cares about some Homo?" Sirius closed his eyes and James watched him, the afternoon sunlight shone on his hair and making it look almost blue. "After I recovered from my own beating after he had discovered us together..."

"I thought you said your brother told your parents?"

"He did, they just happened to know about it before he told them." Sirius paused and took back his cigarette from James' fingers, he took a long slow drag before continuing. "When my mother found out, she flipped...she apparated with me to some place in...Manchester I think...I-I don't know where it was, but there were men everywhere, she pushed me away from her telling me that if I liked it so much I could find a way to pay my own way home..."

"Sirius...you were thirteen!"

Sirius smiled and nodded. "That night I sold myself to as many people as I could, until I couldn't even feel the tears anymore...then I took the money I got from them and got a muggle taxi home...when I arrived on the doorstep my father pulled me into the house and took his belt to me, you've seen the scars..." He shivered as a breeze picked up and blew his hair from his eyes. "So, I lost my virginity for money so I could go back home...and ended up beaten for the trouble. Maybe I'd have been better off staying in Manchester, huh? I got a lot of money, it was...much too easy..."

James put his arm around Sirius' shoulder and kissed him on the side of his head. "I would've found you...I would have ditched school and hunted you across the country so I could find you."

"I know...You're the only reason I always come back." Sirius whispered and a small smile touched his lips. "Except now...you've got Lily..."

"I'll never stop loving you, Sirius...you know that right? We've been best friends forever, I couldn't live without you."

"I know..." Sirius snuggled happily against his chest and listened to his heart beat for a while as the sun began to set. "And...you don't mind? That I'm going to let Peter shag me?"

James paused in the slow movement of his fingers as they ran up and down Sirius' arm. "I...I think it's your decision..." He said after a long pause. Sirius looked up at him and grinned.

"You do care, Potter." He kissed him lightly on the mouth. "I'll be thinking of you." He breathed.

"Pfft, He's a virgin, he's going to cum as soon as he sticks it in."

"Probably but the faster it's over the better."

Evening crept up on them too quickly for James' liking, when Sirius stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist he had the sudden urge to pull him close and tell him not to go. He wanted to demand that Sirius stay with him...forever. But instead he thought of Lily and simply lowered his head as Sirius changed into a loose fitting shirt and trousers, he didn't watch him leave, pretending he was more interested in the Paper he held.

Later James lay on the bed with his arms behind his head and he could hear the bed on the other side of the wall moving, soft little squeaky gasps and it was like a dagger in the heart. He knew why Peter wanted Sirius, Peter had been obsessed with James ever since they became friends, he would follow him and even stoop so low as to copy him in everything he did. From a certain joke right down to how regularly he went for a piss, Peter would follow him and imitate him. And now he even had Sirius. Sirius who had been the one thing that James had been able to call his own, the most loyal, the most perfect of his friends...and now Peter was taking that too. He sighed and sat up, shoving fingers into his hair as there was a grunt from the other room.

"Already? Christ Peter...that was faster than I'd expected..."

James let out a rough chuckle.

"I-I'm sorry...It's my first time...L-Let's do it again!"

"Once, that was the deal."

James smiled, he knew Sirius would come to him now.

"But..."

"No, Peter. Never again."

"Why? You shag James more than once..."

"Because I love James and he's actually good in bed."

There was silence as the bed creaked and James could picture him if he closed his eyes, he imagined Sirius walking across the carpet and picking up his clothes.

"Wait! I-if...if you don't..."

"Dear me, Peter, are you going to try and blackmail me? There's nothing you can use. James knows everything about me..."

"Except about your father."

There was an odd silence, the whole house seemed to go completely still as if frozen in time. Then he heard Sirius shift. "What do you know about my father, Pettigrew?" He croaked roughly.

"I heard Regulus talk about it once, you know I'm very useful at collecting information...do you think that your secrets were safe from me? Sirius, I know your father used to go into your room at night."

"Shut up."

"Regulus said that he once woke up in the night and heard him whispering. He said that when he left his room to go to the toilet once, the door was open and he saw you on all fours. He said he had never been sure what was happening, but you looked scared."

"Wh-Where...where did you get this information from?" Sirius' voice had gone so low it sounded more like a growl. "Tell me!"

"From Regulus of course, he was talking to his quill...I think it must have been a diary because he was making sure he was alone...thing is, they don't expect that rat sitting in the corner of the dungeon to be anything but a rat."

"You fucking bastard!" Sirius hissed. "If you...I-If you ever tell anyone..."

"I won't. I keep my friends secrets...but I always want something in exchange."

"Fine. Take whatever you want, you prick...but if James ever finds out about this I will cut your tiny cock off! Do you understand?"

"Perfectly."


	11. Chapter 11

AN: So, yet another angsty-amusing chapter, I don't what came over me, I wanted to write a scene where our boys are exploring the muggle gay scene so...here we are! :D I hope it's realistic enough, I didn't want to over exaggerate a gay club (Warning: I've never been to one myself, but I researched the gay scene in London during the seventies so I think it's fairly accurate...) Anyways, enjoy and thank you to all those who have kindly left me reviews! Please enjoy. :)

_**When someone was hitting me, or like sexually molesting me, it just seemed normal to continue to do that to myself.**____**-Tatum O'Neal**_

When Sirius went home he found Remus sitting on the sofa, he smiled when his friend stood and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Thank god you're alright." He whispered as he pulled away and looked him up and down. "_Are_ you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Sirius replied. "Just glad to be home."

"You're not alright..." Remus eyed him warily. "What happened? You look upset."

"I'm fine, Remus...just tired."

Remus tightened his grip on him and guided him to the sofa, he pushed him into the seat. "Stay and I'll make some tea." He pointed his wand at the kettle and it set to boiling. "When you have some tea you can tell me exactly why James was here and why he was a drunken wreck."

"What?" Sirius' eyes widened. "He was?"

"Yes. He said something about...about you and Peter."

Sirius flushed and looked down. "Oh."

"He also..." Remus paused as the kettle began to whistle, when he waved his wand and two mugs came flying out of the cupboard to rest on the kitchen table top he knelt before his friend and tried to look into his eyes. "He said something about your father...he overheard Peter saying..."

Sirius stood up. "No." He said abruptly, his eyes glittering. "I am _not_ talking about this."

"Sirius..."

"Remus...I...It wasn't my father!" He said suddenly as he shoved fingers into his hair, he looked distraught. "What Regulus thought he saw...i-it was...he never did anything...not really. He j-just looked...a-and sometimes he...he would just watch! I-I..."

"Who? Who was it Sirius?"

"Alphard." He breathed softly, tears filled his eyes. "My uncle...he was...gentle a-and I liked him...It was...nice...to have that kind of attention. He liked me, Remus. He liked me enough to...to do those things...not like the others, not like my father or mother...who never cared enough to even meet my eyes! Alphard actually looked at me! He bought me things and he...he used to tell me stories, he used to bathe me a lot and he took me to bed...a-and...one day...one day he t-touched me..." Sirius shuddered slightly and looked away from Remus. "I'm disgusting." He whispered and collapsed onto the sofa. "I liked it. I liked it when he did those things...It meant I was special...It meant he cared."

"Siri..." Remus had no idea what to do or say, Alphard had died, they all knew it and so no revenge could be taken. "I'm...I'm sorry...I had no idea."

"No, it's not exactly something I want to spread around." Sirius covered his face. "Just...don't tell anyone...please?"

"Of course not...but you have to tell James something, he's convinced himself it's his fault Peter blackmailed you. As for that, I can speak to him." Remus stood, "He's been jealous of you two for a long time now, he is obsessed with James...not in a romantic sense, but I think he wants to _be_ James."

"Why?" Sirius moved his hand so he could look at Remus.

Remus smiled softly. "Because James appears to have everything, a family who loved him, friends, he was popular at school and he's popular now. He has a wicked sense of humour, he's confident, he's brave and he has...a certain something that attracts people to him."

"He's the sun and we're all just tiny, insignificant little planets that revolve around him, helplessly drawn by that intense light." Sirius' smile was soft and so gentle Remus sighed.

"So, you have to understand that for years he has always been outshone by you two, the sun and the stars..."

"What about you, does that mean you're our moon?" Sirius grinned.

"I'd rather not be, but if that analogy makes you happy then I suppose it will do." Remus chuckled, he moved into the kitchen and began pouring the tea. "Peter's a jealous person, he has always wanted to become James...and he has always imitated him whenever possible."

"I never noticed."

"No...well, neither of you did. You were too busy wrapped in yourselves and each other to notice anything except yourselves."

"What does that mean?" Sirius sat up with a frown and looked at Remus with new eyes, he was pale and for the first time Sirius saw the first signs of grey in his brown hair. Wrinkles surrounded his eyes and he had scars across his hands, across his cheek and his eyes were dark. "Oh shit..." He stood and went to him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly. "I'm sorry. I'm so...so sorry, Remmy."

"I'm ok, Sirius." Remus whispered, but didn't pull away. "I can live with this."

"But I...I didn't even see! I was blind..."

"I could hardly expect you or James to worry about me when you've got so much on your hands already...I shouldn't have said anything, it was a selfish thought."

"No. You have just as much right to be selfish than any of us, Remus. You're...Christ...you're our _Moony_! Where would we be without our Moony?" He pulled away so his hands were on either side of his face, he smiled gently down at Remus and kissed him on the forehead. "Without you we'd all have turned to dust, or destroyed each other a long time ago...you're the glue that holds us all together. Don't think we don't appreciate that."

Remus sighed and stroked hair from Sirius' eyes. "I..." He took a shaky breath as he gazed into those silver eyes. "I found something out last night." He whispered croakily, his face was grave and he looked older than his nineteen years.

"Come on, let me make the tea." Sirius pushed him gently away. "Sit down and talk when I'm done."

When Sirius had finished the tea he sat at Remus' side and pulled him close so he was resting his head on his shoulder. "Well then, talk." He said.

"You know of Fenrir Greyback?"

Sirius shivered. "What Wizarding child doesn't?"

"Yeah...well..." Remus closed his eyes. "My father told me when I visited the other night...he told me that it was Fenrir who bit me."

"Aren't you...aren't you infiltrating his pack under Dumbledore's orders?" Sirius asked softly.

"Yes." Remus sighed heavily. "I have no choice...I can't stop now...but...I can't stand the thought of carrying this knowledge during the next full moon...I can already feel it...I want to kill him, Sirius. I want to rip him to shreds...I want to tear out his throat! He made me like this! He made me a monster and it...it was deliberate!"

"How do you know?" Sirius said weakly. "He might not have known..."

"Oh come on, you know the stories. Greyback is as evil as they come, 'bite them young and raise them away from their families, raise them to hate wizards'. But what was worse...my father confessed to me that he had done something to anger Greyback in full knowledge of what he was and what he did! It was my father's fault he targeted me! I-I...It's like he's betrayed me. It's my own father's fault I'm a monster!"

Sirius put down his cup and pulled Remus into an embrace, holding him tightly he lifted Remus' face to his and kissed him on the lips. "Would I do that to a monster?" He asked softly, nuzzling Remus' cheek gently. "Would I spend nine years hanging out with a boy I thought was evil or Dark? Would I learn dangerous and difficult magic to ease my friend's condition? Remus, James and I love you. We're your best friends and we know you! Neither of us think you're a monster. How often do we have to tell you before it sinks in?"

Remus gazed into those pretty eyes and smiled, he placed a small chaste kiss on the side of Sirius' mouth and drew away. "I know...It's just...hard sometimes. Especially nowadays, the others are brutal, dangerous and totally out of control...I'm supposed to be turning them around to our cause but...but Greyback has them believing that Voldemorts going to help them." He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, burying his face in Sirius' hair and taking a deep breath. "They think I've joined their pack, but they're wrong. You and James and Peter are my pack..."

"We are, dearest Moony." Sirius said with a chuckle. "We'll never betray each other, ever. I promise."

"Good." Remus smiled softly to himself.

XXX

Sirius gazed down at the letter, his cigarette seemingly forgotten as it sat in the ashtray burning to ash. Remus sat opposite him watching him carefully. "Sirius?" He said after a moment of heavy silence.

"I'm fine." Sirius whispered.

"It's too cruel." Remus replied, putting his hand on his friends. "James is asking too much."

Sirius finally lifted his gaze from the letter. "I'll do it."

"Why?"

"Because it's James, because he's asking me...because I love him."

"Merlin, you don't half enjoy torturing yourself." Remus said softly.

Sirius smiled bitterly. "Well, maybe Lily will have some fit relative who I can seduce and drown my sorrows."

The wedding arrived rapidly, Sirius spent time distracting himself by arranging James' stag do, he had heard all about them from Remus and liked the idea. He had proposed the idea to James who had loved it, and so the four marauders found themselves standing outside a club in Soho.

James looked up at the building with his nose wrinkling in distaste. "What kind of place is this?"

"I have no idea." Sirius said.

"A friend of a friend suggested it." Remus said softly. "Well, my mother's cousin...he said it was great place to go." He shrugged, fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Muggles, eh? Weird creatures, aren't they?" Sirius muttered absently as he stamped out his cigarette with a heavy boot. The street was dark, they stood in the shadows and watched people come and go from a large iron door.

"Sirius...?" James turned to his friend. "Have you noticed the lack of girls?"

Sirius shrugged, but avoided James' eyes. "Really? Can't say that I did..."

"What is this place?" Peter asked.

Remus giggled nervously. "I think it's a gay club."

"You what? They have those kinds of things?" James asked, eyes wide.

"Yes...Erm...it wasn't Remus' cousin who told me...it was Lily." Sirius said with a small smile. "She told me about the Muggle 'gay scene'...it sounded fun."

"Great...I'm getting married tomorrow and my last night as a bachelor is going to be spent surrounded by gay muggle's."

"I don't think she intended for you to bring her husband to be here, Sirius." Remus said, he looked petrified.

Sirius took a deep breath and grabbed James' hand. "Well, let's go...better than waiting out here in the cold!" He grinned and began dragging him towards the door, the others followed nervously. When they reached the door someone slid back the small window and looked at them with narrowed eyes.

"Membership?" He grunted.

Sirius carefully got out his wand, he smiled as he did a bit of magic, the man's eyes slipped out of focus.

"That seems in order, sirs..." the man muttered vaguely as he pulled open the door. They walked past him and heard the door clang shut behind them, Peter jumped and spun around at the sound.

"We're trapped!" he whispered.

Sirius giggled, his eyes alight with curiosity and his fingers still tangled with James'. "Come on then, let's see what these Muggle's do for fun." They were in some kind of tunnel lined with red lights that gave it the look of some kind of dungeon, James' fingers tightened on Sirius' as they walked. As they drew closer to a door at the end of the tunnel they could feel music pounding through the floor, it sent vibrations through them and Sirius swallowed his nerves as they pushed open the door and found themselves in a large room.

"Merlin!" James whispered, his eyes going wide as he looked around the place. There were flashing lights, a small dance floor and seats surrounding it. The bar was crowded with men and a few women, many of them had paired off and were kissing in dark corners.

"I-I...I don't belong here!" Remus hissed as a huge man walked past them and eyed him as if he was a peice of meat, he swallowed nervously.

"Reckon he likes you, Remmy." Sirius said with a snort of laughter, Remus flushed and glared at him. "Calm down, we'll look after you." He said and laughed as he slung his arm around Remus' shoulder. "You could be my lover for the night, hmm?"

"Oh piss off you pervert!" Remus said but he couldn't keep the smile from his face.

They found themselves at the bar after negotiating the dance floor, Sirius leaned on it and looked at the drinks with a frown. "Just realised something..." He muttered.

"What now? Tell me you bought money!" James hissed in a panicked whisper as he avoided being groped by a particularly drunk man in a dress.

"I got money, Prongsy, I'm not an idiot...I just have no idea what kinds of things these Muggle's drink." Remus sighed and pushed his hair from his face as he slid in beside Sirius and began ordering them their drinks. Sirius slid his arm around his waist and kissed him firmly on the side of the head. "Brilliant! Moony to the rescue!"

"As always." Remus replied with a grin.

Once they had drinks they made their way to some seats and a table, Peter gazed around with awe and terror in his blue eyes, Sirius was looking at everything with open fascination and James hunched in on himself and drank much too quickly. Remus stared at the table, being careful not to make eye contact with anyone as he sipped his drink slowly. Sirius was watching the dancers, entranced by the flashing lights and pulsing disco music, his eyes were large and after a while he stood. "I want to dance too." He said and James looked at him like he was mad.

"That's not dancing pads...they're just sort of...flinging their arms around..."

"I can do that." Sirius grinned. "Come on...I don't want to go up alone."

"I-I'll stay here." Peter said, lowering his head.

"Come on Prongs, it's your fucking marriage we're celebrating." He held out his hand and James eyed the dance floor warily.

"I really don't think I can do this..." He muttered nervously.

Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed his wrist. "Come _on_." He yanked him from his seat and literally dragged him onto the floor, people made way for them and Remus laughed out loud when he watched Sirius dancing.

"What are they doing? They look silly." Peter whispered.

"They're having fun." Remus replied as he sipped his beer. James had finally been drawn into the spirit of it and he was laughing with Sirius as they made general idiots of themselves, they were also gaining a lot of attention. A song he recognised came on and he smiled, his mother liked this song. It was Blondie's _Heart of Glass_, he watched Sirius wrap his arms around James and whisper something that made them both laugh. A small smile lit his face as he watched his friends have fun, Sirius' eyes were alight with happiness and James couldn't keep the smile off his face.

Someone sat at Remus' side and he turned to find a man watching Sirius and James with a shrewd expression. "Hi there." He said when he saw Remus looking at him. "My name's Francis."

"Remus." Remus shook his hand.

"I see, unusual name. So, are they friends of yours?"

"Er...yes..."

The man leaned one hand as he watched them. "The one with the long hair is pretty."

"I-I suppose..." He glanced at Peter who shrugged unhelpfully.

"Are they partners?"

"No, James is getting married tomorrow." Peter replied sipping his drink.

"Is James the one with glasses?"

"Yes."

"I see...so, he's straight then? What's he doing here?"

Remus shot Peter a glare which simply bounced off of him, he looked confused so Remus rolled his eyes. "It's his stag party so Sirius decided he would bring him here for a laugh."

"Ah..." The man's eyes lit up and he stood. "Well, thank you for the information. You two have fun and..." He leaned down and whispered in Remus' ear. "My friend over there has been giving you the eye all night." With that he winked and waved before walking to the dance floor, Remus moved his eyes to where the man had pointed and saw a tall man wearing a tight t-shirt and smiling at him. He went red and looked away.

"Oh bugger." He whispered to his drink. "Whatever you do Peter, don't make eye contact with anyone."

"Trust me, I have no intention to." Peter said to the table.

James spun Sirius around on the spot and laughed as he dragged him close again, as the song came to an end they both began pushing their way to the bar. They ordered some more drinks and went back to the table, Sirius sat down panting as he swept hair from his face with a smile. "So, Remus, have you pulled yet?"

"Shut up, Pads." Remus sighed and sipped his drink.

"But that guy over there..." He jerked his thumb in the man's direction and leaned closer. "He's been eyeing you since we sat down."

"No. I'm not interested, you know I..."

"Like girls...yeah yeah, we know." Sirius downed his drink and put the glass back on the table. "You should at least dance, you two are like a couple of old women."

Remus pulled a face before standing and grabbing Sirius. "Alright fine. I'll dance." He dragged him onto the dance floor and Sirius laughed as the beat of the music throbbed through the air.

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he watched Remus dance with Sirius, he smiled affectionately and took a sip of his drink. Then he saw a man slide up to Sirius and lean close, he must have been whispering something in his ear because Sirius' eyes widened and he said something back, waving a hand towards Remus. The man looked at Remus and smiled, they spoke to each other for a second before Remus smirked evilly and nodded. Sirius shot him an injured look as he was led away to dance with the man, Remus laughed and began returning to his friends, when he reached their table he sat down with a smirk.

"What did you do?"

"That man was interested in showing Sirius something." Remus snorted. "So I told him to go and that I'd be fine."

"You let him get dragged off by a complete stranger?" James said dubiously.

"He's fine, James. He's got his wand."

"Yeah...I guess. But that's not like you, is it? You're being irresponsible."

"Yes, perhaps you two have rubbed off on me..." he smiled. "Or it could be that he needs to do something that doesn't involve you, James."

"What?" James looked hurt and Remus sighed.

"Sirius has spent the last four years or so being obsessed with you, every time you sleep with him it gives him hope that you will love him as much as he loves you."

"I do..."

"No, James, you don't." Remus gave him a pitying look. "Sirius is obsessed with you and it's unhealthy, he needs to get out there and meet someone, someone who is going to give him everything he deserves, which you can't do. Tomorrow you will be putting a ring on Lily Evans' finger while Sirius is going to be forced to stand back and watch, when the weddings done he will come back to the house and he will drink. He'll drink until he passes out or throws up because he knows, deep down inside that you will always love Lily and always put her needs before his own. But, he can't let you go. He will never get over you if you don't let him and if you were any kind of friend James you would let him go."

Sirius found himself in a darkened room somewhere at the back of the main club, the man who he was following was attractive with a nice smile and eyes that were almost violet in colour, but he kept glancing back hoping he could slip away unnoticed but the man obviously wanted something from him. He sighed and dug in his pocket, he drew out a packet of cigarettes. "Do you smoke?" He asked, offering the packet to the man.

"Thank you." He said taking one.

Sirius put another one between his own lips and withdrew a packet of matches, before he could strike one there was a flame bobbing before him. He drew a long drag on his cigarette before blowing it out again, the man had come to a stop and was leaning against the wall, watching Sirius hungrily as he slipped the silver lighter into his pocket. "So...what's your name?"

"Francis, and you?"

"Sirius." Sirius smiled and cocked his head to the side. "Where are we?" He said and looked around them.

"The backrooms."

"Helpful..."

"You're new to this aren't you, honey?"

Sirius grinned and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, let's just say I'm from a background where this kind of thing is pretty unheard of."

"Oh, a Toff?"

"Toff?" Sirius frowned in confusion.

"Rich boy, you're posh?"

"Rich yes, posh I don't know." He laughed.

"And very, very naive." Francis moved closer and eyed him. "You're not a virgin are you?"

Sirius laughed again. "No, definitely not."

He reached out and put a hand under Sirius' chin. "How old are you?"

"Nineteen...nearly twenty."

"I see."

"Um...what's with all the questions?"

"I'm interested, I may as well get know you before we do this."

Sirius blew smoke from his lips slowly, his hair fell into his eyes. "Right..." He stubbed his cigarette out under his boot and moved closer to the man, he was a few inches taller than him, which was impressive as Sirius considered himself above average height and he was broader in the shoulders too. He leaned up and pressed his lips to Francis', he drew away again and looked at him through his eyelashes and let his most seductive smile grace his face. "Let's get on with it then."

James looked around at the club and spotted Sirius coming out of a back room, the man he had disappeared off with was smiling and Sirius paused in front of a mirror to run fingers through his hair as the man leaned down to whisper something that made him laugh. James frowned in irritation as he downed his drink and stood up, he was wobbling on his feet but managed to keep them as he walked over to his friend. By the time he reached them Sirius was leaning against the wall and kissing the other man, James made an impatient noise and the two broke apart. Sirius turned his eyes to James and grinned.

"Jamie!" he cried in a loud voice as he flung his arms around him, he leaned on him heavily and began giggling.

"Sirius? How much have you had to drink?"

"Not much..."

"That's not drink, I introduced him to a good friend of mine." The man winked and walked away.

Sirius pulled away from James and he saw that his pupils were dilated and full of a frantic energy. "He gave me something...it's _amazing_, Prongsy!"

"What did he give you? Are you alright?"

"Never better, come on! Let's dance...!" He dragged James onto the dance floor again and pulled himself close, James could smell the scent of that man on him but he couldn't refuse Sirius anything.

Sirius was surrounded by bright colours, they swirled and danced around him in time to the music, moving in patterns, sometimes they would blend together or form shapes in the air but when he tried to touch them they would disappear. He groaned as he felt something wrap around his waist, hot breath tickled his ear. "Siri, I reckon it's time we got you home..."

"No!" Sirius gazed into what he thought was James' face, he pushed fingers into his hair and began kissing him, his lips were soft and his tongue tasted like oranges. He groaned again into hsi mouth as he that hand tighten on the small of his back, he could feel sweat pouring down his face as the face before him began to blur and melt. "That...that's a bit wrong...isn't...isn't it?" he muttered and felt a hand push hair from his forehead.

"Come on, let's go..."

"No! Don't...don't...is that a _fish_?" he watched a giant clown fish swim over him. "That aint righ'...Jamie...I reckon we're...we're...What was I saying?" He shook his head as something began moving him forwards, he looked down and watched the floor rise. He stumbled as it tipped him off his feet, he fell into something solid and turned to see someone with a head full of fire. "Scuse me mate...reckon your heads fire...migh' wanna get that looked at..."

"Sirius, come back...!"

Something grabbed him and pushed him into a wall, the face before him blurred and he giggled manically. "You look...weird...man..."

"Scuse me, he's our friend, so sorry..."

"He's cute...you wanna let me have half an hour with him? I'll pay you."

"No, he's coming home with us."

"Come on, it's not as if he'd remember it in the morning."

"That's hardly the point, sir!"

"You're face is melting." Sirius said, blinking slowly at the man. "Don't that hurt?"

"His face isn't melting Sirius, come on, this way."

Something was holding him firmly around the waist, the touch felt good and he ended up wrapping an arm around the person holding him up and running his tongue up the side of his neck. "You taste like ice cream." He muttered with a giggle.

"Stop that, Siri. I said..."

"Don't wanna...you're no fun..." Sirius fell into a wall and slid down it, laughing and clutching his sides. "There's like...walls and...they're moving!"

"The walls are just walls, Siri, they're not moving."

Sirius gazed up at the person with wide eyes. "Reckon that there's...shadows coming to get you...look!" He pointed.

"Sirius, there aren't any shadows. Get up, I can't carry you alone."

Sirius let himself be helped to his feet, but his feet caught on something and he slammed his helper into a wall, he pressed his lips against those of his helper and opened his mouth as a hot tongue was pushed into his own mouth. He giggled and smiled into the kiss as the person moaned. "Jamie..." He moaned and grabbed his wrist, moving it to his erection. "I'm horny..." He whispered.

"Sirius...p-please stop..."

"But I'm horny and you always fuck me when I'm horny...come on Jamie...ah..." He pushed the hand into his jeans and groaned as he reciprocated. There was a soft gasp and he smiled into his hair, kissing his neck as he thrust into the hand. "That's it...oh god...That's...that's fucking amazing! Oh my god!" he trembled, planting one hand firmly on the wall and tightening his other hand around the prominent erection of his partner. There was a deep moan and a soft whisper;

"Sirius...you bastard..."

He came hard as did the other and when he opened his eyes he found himself not looking into James' Hazel, but a dark brown full of pain. He stumbled backwards and hit the opposite wall, his eyes were wide and uncomprehending. "Wha-what?"

Remus cleared his throat and adjusted his jeans, tucking himself back inside and sighing. "I'm not James." He whispered rather unnecessarily. "James is waiting for us out the front..."

They gazed into each other's eyes for a long time before Sirius managed to push himself upright, off the dirty floor of the alleyway. "I'm...I'm sorry." He muttered as he stumbled into Remus' arms. "'M sorry...I...I didn't...know..."

"It's alright, it doesn't matter. Come on, they'll be wandering where we got to."

Remus helped Sirius to stand but it was slow going as they walked to the entrance of the alley. Suddenly Sirius stopped and turned to him, pushing his hands into his hair and kissing him on the lips, the move was tender and loving and he sighed. "Forgive me."

"You're forgiven." Remus smiled and held him closer. "Let's get back, shall we? You need a shower and you need to go to bed."


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Poor Sirius! :O He goes through a lot in my stories, I bet he hates me. :( Oh well, I'm a sadist, so I shall continue! Enjoy and review, please! Love to all those who have been reading and reviewing, you make me smile. :)

_**Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.**__**  
**__**- Elie Wiesel**__**  
**_

Sirius gazed at himself in the mirror of the bathroom, his handsome face framed by a curtain of satiny hair which he scooped up in one hand and tied back with a ribbon. He splashed water on his face and gripped the edge of the sink, he gazed at himself for a long moment before sighing and closing his eyes.

"Siri?"

Remus knocked on the door, Sirius opened his eyes and wiped his face on a towel. "Coming." He called back and pulled open the door, Remus was wearing his best robes and a soft smile. Sirius returned it as best he could.

"You don't need to pretend around me, Sirius." He said softly and looked at Sirius' robes. "Nice...where did you get them from?"

Sirius looked down at his dress robes, they were black satin with a silver lining and delicate scroll-work stitched at the hem. "You like? I bought them especially for the wedding." His smile slipped but he hitched it back in place. "I'll outshine the bride today!"

"Don't expect Lily to be impressed." Remus said. "Shall we go? We need to get James to the right place before he throws himself off the building."

"Sure."

James was sat in the living room with hands shoved into his hair as he leaned forward over his knees, his robes were smart black and white and Sirius liked him in them. "Well...this is it...I'm doomed..." He rasped and looked up. "Kill me now! Kill me before I make a terrible mistake."

Sirius' smile fell. "Gladly." He hissed and drew his wand, aiming it at James' face. "And when I explain to your wife what happened I'll tell her that her fiancé grew a fucking vagina and wanted out, so I took pity on him."

"Sirius...stop pissing around! This is serious!"

"And so am I. You're marrying her Jamie, even if I have to force you to."

James gazed at him looking hurt but he stood up and straightened out his robes. "I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Yeah, I know." Sirius put his wand back into his robes and looked away. "Not that it makes it any easier..." he sighed heavily. "Right, let's get you to this fucking thing shall we?"

The wedding was held in Lily's parents back garden, which was large but there were only a few people there. Sirius stayed with James while they waited, even while he rushed to the toilet to throw up, he waited for him and helped straighten him out. Finally the waiting was over and Sirius had to force away his urge to run for the hills, he stood at James' side beneath a pretty little arch threaded with crimson and gold roses, their scent swamped him and he had to swallow hard to push aside the urge to be sick. He stood with his hands clasped before him at James' shoulder, he leaned forward and whispered in his ear. "You'll be fine, Jamie. Remember, I'll be at your side, forever."

James said nothing but he reached back and squeezed his hand briefly before releasing him. Sirius closed his eyes and lowered his head, taking deep, slow breaths to fight the tears. The music began and he forced his eyes open and hitched a fake smile on his face as he turned to see Lily walking up the aisle between the little spindly golden chairs. There was a crimson carpet beneath the bride's feet, her white dress fell from her shoulders full of clean lace and soft silks. In her hands was a bouquet of the same roses that adorned the arch and in her hair was a crown of white daisies and lily's. She looked stunning and Sirius had never wanted to scream more in his life, he clenched his hand around the rings and forced a smile. Finally she reached the low dais on which they stood and James reached down and took her hand before turning to the thin man who would join them.

"Good afternoon! We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with James Potter and Lily Evans and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives." The man had a strong voice and he smiled a lot but Sirius felt as if everything was false, he searched the faces of the few attendees and they all looked fake, big fake smiles, big fake tears, big fake hats. He closed his eyes and lowered his head again, wishing and wishing it would be over. "James Potter, will you have this woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, and honour her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?"

"I Will!" James smiled brightly but Sirius felt sick.

"Lily Evans do you take this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together in marriage? Will you love him, comfort him and honour him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, so long as you both shall live?"

"I Will!"

The old man smiled at them both. "Traditionally, the marking-of the passage to tile status of husband and wife is marked by the exchange of rings. These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end, no giver and no receiver for each is the giver and each is the receiver. May these rings always remind you of the vows you have taken." He looked to Sirius who nodded and withdrew the rings, they were matching red and yellow gold entwined around each other, he took James' hand and put them in his palm, their eyes lingered for a long moment and each of them understood the symbolic meaning, when Sirius wrapped James' fingers around them he leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, pressing his forehead against him.

"Love her, Jamie." He whispered and released his hands, it was as if he had torn out his own soul as he stood there and watched James look at him. Finally he turned away and they exchanged rings.

"With this ring, I thee wed." James whispered softly as he pushed the ring onto Lily's finger.

"With this ring, I thee wed." Lily replied, repeating the movement.

"Inasmuch as you have consented together in this ceremony to live in wedlock and have sealed your vows in the presence of this company and by the giving of these rings, it gives me great pleasure to pronounce that you are Husband and Wife. Congratulations, you may kiss!"

And James smiled, he wrapped his arms around his new wife and lifted her to his lips. A cheer went up from the crowd, Sirius clapped with them and forced his smile to remain for a while longer. He ignored the burning of his eyes as he watched James lift Lily into his arms and carry her down the aisle, she laughed and lifted her flowers, throwing them into the air. Sirius watched them fall and get caught by Remus who had only reached for them automatically. He laughed loudly, handing them to one of the young bridesmaids who blushed and ran off.

The reception was quiet and Sirius sat in a corner, a drink clasped in one hand as he watched James and Lily dance around the pavilion. He took a deep swig of his drink, feeling the familiar burn of good whiskey as he slouched and watched James with eyes as dark as storm clouds. Remus made his way over and sighed as he sat beside Sirius who slumped sideways and rested his head on his shoulder. "Look a' 'im!" He exclaimed drunkenly. "Fucking gorgeous...He's so...so beautiful...I...Remmy..." He buried his face in Remus' neck and took a shuddery breath. "I want to go home." He whispered softly. "Take me home...b-before I hit him...Before I...I do something stupid and kiss him in front of everyone here."

"We can't go yet, Sirius. We have to wait." Remus replied, putting his arm around his friend and kissing the top of his head, in moments like these Sirius seemed to revert to being a child, he needed comfort but told himself he didn't deserve it. He wanted to cry and scream but Black's simply didn't do those kinds of things, so he sat there, breathing heavily into Remus' hair and trying to get a grip on himself.

"Remmy?"

"Yes Sirius?"

"I want...I need...I..." He shuddered and let out a shaky breath. "I need to piss." He stood suddenly, stumbling sideways into a trestle table and hiccoughing as he struggled to regain his balance before stumbling off to the toilet. The door moved dangerously as the world tried to turf him off, he stumbled into it and pushed it open, going inside. With much getting lost he managed to find the bathroom, he slammed the door and leaned against it, sliding down to his knees as he leaned over gripping his robes above his heart. "Ow..." He whimpered as he bowed his head to the floor, grief overcame him and he broke like china on a stone floor. His sobs were loud as he let his grief out in a scream, he slammed his hand down onto the floor and choked on his pain. Tears splashed down his face as he curled into a ball, his chest hitched painfully and he shook as he wrapped his arms around his knees continuing to sob desperately.

"Sirius?"

The voice was muffled as someone hammered on the door. Sirius ignored it, he looked a state and had no wish for anyone to see him.

"Sirius! I know you're in here. Come out or open the door! I-I want to know if you're alright."

"Piss off James!" Sirius shouted, covering his head with his hands. "Fuck off...please..."

"I'm not leaving."

"Please...god...go away! You have her! You don't need me anymore!"

"I'll always need you, Siri."

"Stop! For the love of all that is good, stop! Why can't you hate me? Why can't you ignore me? Push me away? Fuck!"

James sighed heavily and leaned against the door, he drew one knee to his chest and closed his eyes. "Do you remember when we first met, Siri?" He said softly.

Sirius lifted himself up on his knees and slumped against the door. "Yeah."

"The Hogwarts express, 1971! Best year of my life! I got a compartment after escaping an overbearing mother, I was just shoving my trunk onto the rack when this kid walks in...the kid's so handsome he looks as if he was born to be painted, his hair's long and dark and his skin pale. We stare at each other for a moment and it's like there's this strike of lightening and I know, I just _know_ that we're going to be together forever! This is fucking _destiny_, baby! We get to talking and it turns out that this kid has one wickedly cruel sense of humour and I think, 'yeah, I like this guy, he's awesome.' So I make sure we're friends."

Sirius smiled and closed his eyes. "When I see this scrawny little messy haired idiot I can only think how beautiful he is, I can't even look away even though his eyes bore into me like they can see into my head. I talk to him and we have so much in common, he's brilliant and I want him for a friend...more than anything. I worry when he says he's going to be in Gryffindor, I worry because there's a good chance I'll end up stuck in Slytherin because of my blood...but there was nothing to worry about because I can choose what house to be in, and I choose the same as him, because well, who would want to be separated from such an addictive person?"

"That first night in the common room and we piss off all the other years because we're too noisy, we joke and laugh and my fucking god do you have an amazing laugh! When I wrestle with you It's like my world has suddenly found a peice that was missing, not that I had realised it was missing until I met you. It's your smile, your eyes, your laughter, that cheeky little glitter you get when we're planning a prank, it's the way you push your hair from your eyes and that insatiable lust for everything bad."

Sirius couldn't help but chuckle. "You're my sun." He whispered softly. "You're my sun and I'm the stars...and Remus, he's our moon...we're...perfect together."

"And when we're not together it's all so wrong."

"We need each other."

"I need you Padfoot."

"Prongs..." Sirius turned to the door and it opened slowly, James was sat there on his knees and they stared at each other for a long moment, a moment in which, for the space of a few seconds, they were eleven years old and feeling that swell of intense first love, even if they never knew until years later. Sirius managed a crooked smile. "I love you James Potter."

"I love you too, Sirius Black." James grinned and pulled him close, he pressed his lips to his forehead and pushed fingers into his hair. "You're brilliant, you know that?"

"And you're married." Sirius replied, resting his head on James' chest.

"I am..."

"And what does that mean for us?"

"It means...It means we're going to have to be careful." James whispered as he dragged Sirius' hands his lips and kissed them. "We'll keep it a secret..."

"Forever?"

"Forever, Pads."

Sirius leaned up and inched forward, their lips brushed and suddenly they heard feet on the stairs, James' eyes flew open and he pushed Sirius away, leaping to his feet and straightening his robes. Sirius stayed where he was, blinking slowly in confusion as Lily walked towards her husband with a smile. "I wandered where my husband had got to." She said and spotted Sirius on the floor. She saw his messy hair and the tears still clinging to his eyelashes and she sank to the floor to pull him into an embrace. "I'm sorry, Sirius." She whispered and closed her eyes. "I hope you find happiness with someone."

Sirius pulled away and kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks, you look beautiful."

She beamed at him and stood, helping him to his feet. "Thank you, Black."

"Mrs. Potter." His voice cracked on the surname but he managed a weak smile. "You better look after him, he's special."

"I will, I promise."

"Well," Sirius straightened himself out and pulled down his hair. "I'll be off then, no sense in staying here when I'm sure you two have things to be doing." He smiled weakly and his eyes met James' briefly. "Be good to each other." And with that he drew out his wand and Disapparated with a pop.

Sirius went back to his house, he gazed up at the door and sighed heavily as he pushed open the door and went inside. He changed into jeans and a t-shirt, shoving on a pair of boots and grabbing his jacket. He picked up his keys and left the house again, the garage door stood open as he sat astride his motorbike and pushed on a pair of aviator sunglasses. With a roar the bike ground into action and he kicked the stand off and flew out the door, He gritted his teeth as he revved the engine and changed gear, he leaned low over his handle-bars and let the wind dry his tears as he lost himself in the roads. He turned a corner at break-neck speeds, the motorbike screaming as he pushed her to her limits. The roar of the wind and throb of the engine drowned out his grief and he pictured James' face as he screamed into the wind as he raced through the streets of London.

As night descended Sirius took a corner but he could no longer see where he was going, the bike wobbled dangerously beneath him and he lost his balance. He felt himself be thrown off and for a split second he was weightless before he crashed to the floor, agony tore through his body as he rolled to a stop. He coughed and spat blood to the floor as he pushed himself onto his back and gazed up at the lights, his jacket was torn and his jeans had a gaping hole in them as he panted heavily in the darkness. Tears fell down his cheeks and he could feel blood from grazes covering his body, he ached and there was a sharp pain in his left arm and the side of his head. He lifted his hand and pushed bloody hair from his eyes as he sobbed, he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes.

The rain felt nice against his skin as he dug the small peice of cardboard from his pocket. It had an address on it, he walked his bike up the drive to the white painted house and grabbed the silver knocker. The door opened a few moments later to reveal Francis, when he saw his guest he swept him with his eyes. "Well well, I have a stray puppy at my door." Another man appeared at his shoulder.

"Oh, a very beaten looking puppy...shall we take pity on him?"

Sirius lowered his head. "I'm sorry...for just...dropping in like this, b-but I wanted...I needed..."

"Come on then, you seem to be in trouble." Francis stepped aside and Sirius kicked the stand on his Bike and limped into the house. "Now, sit down and Alessandro will get you something to drink..."

"Whiskey...please..." Sirius said softly, still gazing at the huge tear in his jeans. The graze beneath had bits of stone embedded in it and it throbbed painfully, but it felt good, he was alive and that terrible numbness was driven back by the pain. When he was handed his drink he looked up at Francis' partner; he had a head full of dark curls and a white smile, his olive skin and almond shaped eyes marked him as Mediterranean. "Thanks..." Sirius knocked the drink back in one go and closed his eyes, he took a shuddery breath and bowed his head.

"Your friend got married then?" Francis said with a small smile as he leaned back on his sofa.

"Yeah..."

"And you were the best man?"

"Yes."

"And you're in love with him, aren't you?"

Sirius looked up at him through his tangled hair and nodded slowly.

"So, you try to kill yourself because a straight guy will never love you back...but failing that you come to me." He sipped from a glass of wine as Sirius swallowed but said nothing. "And what do you think I can do to help you, little lost puppy?"

"I-I...I don't know...I'm sorry..." There was an awkward silence before Sirius put his head in his hands. "I gave him the rings..." He whispered softly. "I watched him smile as he kissed her...I-I had to...watch...a-as he married her...I...it hurts. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do with myself..."

Francis sighed and shook his head. "You got yourself into a difficult situation, Puppy. Straight men are so fickle...you've slept with him, haven't you?"

Sirius nodded again, the urge to throw up rose with a sudden violence and he stood. "C-Can I...use your...bathroom?" He gasped.

Francis nodded and directed him to it, he ran through the house and found the bathroom, a tiny thing with white tiles and large bath. He dropped to his knees and threw up in the toilet. After a while he was only retching and he sighed, flushing the toilet as he fell backwards into strong arms. A cool hand pushed his sweaty hair from his face. "You silly little fool." Francis sighed as Sirius curled up in his lap and began crying. "Come here...stand up." He lifted Sirius to his feet and helped him stumble into the shower, he stripped him down and turned on the water. There was a clatter when Sirius' jeans hit the tiled floor, Francis frowned and leaned down to pick up a thin stick of black wood. He turned it over in his fingers wandering what it was. Sirius watched him through blurry eyes as the water crashed over his head and washed the blood from his hair and skin. "What on earth is this?"

"Magic." Sirius whispered, he felt strange, his head felt light and the world was overly bright. "I'm a wizard..."

Francis raised an eyebrow. "It seems I've invited a nutter into my home." He said with a sigh. Sirius climbed out of the shower and took his wand from him, Francis watched in fascination as Sirius whispered something under his breath and a flock of little birds flew from the tip of his wand, twittering and singing as they flew around the steamy room. "Oh...my...god!" He gasped gazing at Sirius with wide eyes. "What...what are you?"

"Wizard." He said again, his hand clenched around his wand. He pointed it at the shower and the water turned to shards of ice that shattered into little rainbow pieces inside the tub.

"Impossible!"

"Nope. Magic." He swayed and fell into the wall where he slipped downwards, he closed his eyes as dizziness swept over him.

"I'm dreaming!" Francis whispered as he knelt before Sirius and smoothed hair from his eyes, he looked at the head wound. "Ok, come on. Time to take you to hospital, I think you might be concussed." He helped Sirius stand and helped dress him.

Remus woke the next day expecting to find Sirius collapsed on the sofa, but no matter how much he searched he found nothing. There was no sign of his motorbike either. Panic tried to grip his heart but he pushed it away, he was probably out still and would return in one peice.

Finally as the afternoon drew on he ended up sending a message to James, asking him if he'd seen Sirius. James arrived in a blind panic. "Where is he?" He gasped, pushing his way into the house. "Did he give any clue as to where he would go?"

Remus shook his head and lowered himself onto the sofa, he pushed fingers into his hair and closed his eyes. "His bikes gone, he could be anywhere."

James swore loudly and put his hands on his head. "Fucking hell, he's so selfish sometimes!"

"Is there any way we can find him?"

"Well...I suppose we can ask Dumbledore..."

Dumbledore sent them a useful little spell that would tell them where Sirius was by return owl, he also sent a warning to them to find Sirius as soon as possible as he had an inkling that there was going to be an attack by Death Eaters on one of them.

James held out his wand and pointed it. "Invenire!" He said and a billow of white smoke poured from his wand, inside they could see the sign for a muggle hospital. "What the...?" James frowned and the mist faded. They gazed at each other, fear obvious in both their faces.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: I must firstly apologise for my lack of updates, It was my mother's birthday at the weekend and I had to spend time with the family so I have been remiss in updating! I hope this chapter will make for it and again I thank you all for your wonderful reviews and patience. :) Thank you is not enough to convey my gratitude for your support. Enjoy and keep that support coming!

"_**Because what's worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?"**____**  
**__**―**____**James Patterson,**____**The Angel Experiment**_

Remus rushed in through the doors, James hot on his heels as they came to a sudden halt beside the desk. A nurse looked up at them with a disproving frown. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, we're looking for our friend, Sirius Black...we have a feeling he was admitted here..."

The woman turned to her computer and began typing, finally she turned away. "There's a Black in room thirty three on the second floor."

"Thanks." Remus broke into a run and James followed, they crashed into the lift and Remus hammered the button, slowly they went up. James had time to admire the strange device before they were pushing through the doors and running down the corridor and searching for the room.

Suddenly James called out. "Found him!" He said and Remus ran to his side, they entered to find Sirius lying in a bed with bandages covering his head. He appeared to be fast asleep, James walked to his side and looked down at him. "Stupid twat!" he spat furiously, poking him in the shoulder. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Oh, you must be James."

James turned to see a well dressed man sitting in a seat, his violet eyes were cold. "Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Francis, we have met before."

"You were in that club." Remus replied. "Did you bring him here?"

"I did."

Remus smiled gratefully. "Thank you, we've been worried."

"It wasn't a problem, he was a mess when he turned up on my doorstep. He crashed that motorcycle of his."

"Always said he would kill himself on it one day." Remus replied.

"I believe that was his intention, yes." Francis' eyes lingered on James who frowned. "You know he's in love with you, don't you?"

"What business is it of yours?"

Francis shrugged. "None, but he came to me, a near stranger, when he could have gone to one of his friends. He was in pain and probably searching for an escape, he tried to kill himself last night, you should be aware that you are the cause of his grief. I took pity on him because I know what unrequited love can be, and I know how hard it is for someone of our sexual persuasion these days. He told me some things before he passed out..."

"What kind of things?" Remus asked with a frown, James pulled a chair to Sirius' bedside and gazed into his face, he stroked hair from his forehead and took a deep breath.

"He showed me magic." Francis watched Remus curiously.

"Magic? There's no such thing..." He faltered when he saw the smile on the man's lips. "You idiot Sirius." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, his hand slipped to his pocket.

"J-James?"

"Sirius!" James smiled as he watched Sirius' eyes open, gently he threaded his fingers through Sirius' and smiled.

"I'm sorry..." Sirius muttered, pushing hair from his eyes with a small wince.

"Not a problem, I understand...but next time try not to crash."

Sirius' smile was small and brief as he turned away. "Francis...um...thanks..." He muttered as he pushed himself upright and pulled his hand free of James, he slid his legs out of bed and tried to stand.

"Sit down, Siri." Remus said gently and withdrew his wand.

"Er...Remus...?" James shot a look in Francis' direction.

"It's alright, he knows." Remus said and undid the bandages around Sirius' head, there was a large egg shaped lump on his head and a large dark bruise. Remus tipped Sirius' head towards the light, his fingers gentle as he squinted at the wound. "You'll live...here..." He pointed his wand at it and with a whisper it healed leaving nothing but perfect pale flesh.

"Thanks." Sirius blinked as his head cleared. "Well, we'd better be off..."

"Sirius, you have one last thing to do." Remus said softly and indicated Francis who had watched everything in fascination.

"I-I can't...Remus, it's just one Muggle..."

"Siri, we can't leave him." James said softly.

Sirius sighed. "Francis, you had my wand?"

Francis withdrew the black wooden stick from his pocket and handed it to Sirius. "I tried to use it."

"Yeah, you're a muggle, it won't work for you I'm afraid." Sirius smiled gently as he ran his fingers gently along the length. "Come here." He reached out and Francis moved closer. "The wand is Thirteen inches exactly, reasonably flexible...The wood is Ebony with a core of unicorn hair." He looked down at his wand fondly before he looked back up at Francis. "My friends here have wands from a man called Ollivander, whereas mine is from another maker..." he sighed heavily and his smile fell, slowly he lifted it. "Each wand is different and it always chooses the wizard, mine's special in that the wood is one rarely used, Ebony is a powerful wand wood but it's also hard to tame...it chose me when I was eleven and now I'm the only person to be able to use it, even if It's stolen from me." He smiled slightly. "Well, anyway, I'm sorry about this but...It's best you forget about all this."

"How can I forget about this? I have just discovered that Wizards are real, this is astounding and I'm sure there are many scientists who would love to study you and find out how you work! Oh, I would love to introduce you to a friend of mine, he's a doctor in the research department of a university, they've been looking into genetic mutations and diseases, if he could look at you, take a blood sample I'm sure..." He paused when he saw Sirius' horrified expression.

"Do you know why we're in hiding?" He exclaimed. "Surely you've heard of the witch hunts? You muggles will never get it will you? You were determined to massacre us, when burning and drowning didn't work you found out other ways to murder us because we were different! We're not going through that again..."

Remus pulled a face. "Sirius, shut up."

"What?" Sirius looked hurt as he gazed up in confusion at Remus.

James sniggered. "You're being arrogant again, Pad's."

"I am? How? I haven't said anything cruel...have I?"

"Muggles...what are Muggles?" Francis asked, but he was ignored as the friends spoke using words he had no way of understanding.

"You're not cruel, or not deliberately so...but we are also in hiding to protect the muggles from those of us who would hurt them."

"Well...alright, yeah, I suppose we're just as bad. Sorry."

"What _are_ Muggles?" Francis asked again, curiosity burning in his eyes.

"They're non-magical people." Remus clarified.

"Sometimes you get people born with magic into a muggle family and they receive a letter to Hogwarts, we're still not entirely sure why this is...some people say that it's because they have some magical blood in them somewhere, others say it's a mutation..." Sirius shrugged vaguely. "But we don't have any fact to back these idea's up...my mother used to tell me it was because muggles stole our magic by eating us, had nightmares about it when I was little." He laughed sharply and James chuckled, Remus smiled fondly at his friend. "Well, I suppose we'd better do this and get out of here." Sirius stood up and smiled at Francis kindly. "Thanks for everything, I'm sorry for just...dropping in on you like that, you needn't have got involved in my troubled life..."

"It wasn't a problem, Sirius. I was curious and you are...very pretty." Francis smiled as he swept Sirius with his eyes.

Sirius smiled. "Pretty is a word used for girls, I'm handsome."

Francis waved a hand. "It hardly matters, you are attractive and I cannot deny a pretty face."

"Well, thanks anyway...and I'm sorry about this, I really am. But you shouldn't know about us..."

Before Sirius could erase Francis' memory the door opened and a girl entered. "James! Dumbledore told me..." She looked at Sirius who was sitting on his bed and walked over to him. "Are you alright?" She asked, concern in her eyes.

Sirius smiled. "I'm fine Lily." He said. "Remus healed me..."

"Let's go somewhere else." Remus said softly, he looked out the door where nurses were standing and glancing in at them, they were giggling as Sirius stood up and ran fingers through his hair. He smiled as Sirius turned to him, completely unaware of the attention.

"Where?"

"Out of here, we're attracting too much attention." Remus said, still smiling.

They left the room and passed through the crowd of nurses who eyed Sirius with smiles and blushes, Sirius returned the smiles and James laughed loudly as he saw them fawning over him. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?" He asked as James put his arm around his shoulders.

"Those women were hoping you'd talk to them."

"Why? What would I say? They weren't my healers, why would I need to talk to them?"

"They fancy you, Siri." Remus said and saw Sirius glance back over his shoulder.

"Ah, not a man among them...shame..." He sighed and slipped free of James' embrace, he avoided his friends eyes and walked beside Remus instead. James frowned but said nothing as Lily smiled and slipped her fingers through her husband's.

They reached the reception area but just as they reached the automatic doors there was a rumble, the earth shifted beneath their feet, Sirius grabbed hold of Remus as they fell and the world around the exploded.

Sirius blinked as he took a breath, he coughed violently as dust choked him as he scrambled to his feet. He swayed and stumbled backwards as he lost his balance, once he had regained it he gazed around at the devastation and felt his stomach twist. The hospital had nearly been obliterated except for a few walls, the dead and dying lay everywhere as the odd survivor scrambled up to their feet where they looked around as if stunned. James and Lily were holding hands with their wands out as black shapes appeared around them, hemming them in on all sides. Sirius felt someone behind him and turned to see Francis with huge eyes and blood pouring down his face.

"What...what is happening?"

"Stay down and don't move!" Sirius shouted, pushing him away so he stumbled on a chunk of wood.

"Sirius! We got problems!" James shouted, he stood back to back with Lily and as he turned his head his eyes widened. "Sirius! Behind you!"

Sirius spun around but something hit him in the chest and he was blasted backwards, he hit a wall and lay there, stunned as pain vibrated through his body. Someone stood over him, wand pointed into his face as he gripped his own, he could feel blood running down his face and he winced.

Remus spun around, trying to pick a target but he was surrounded. James and Lily were in the same predicament, they stood above their enemies on a little pile of rubble as the Death Eaters all froze and seemed to wait.

"_Finally I found you."_

The voice was everywhere and Sirius looked around to search for the voice.

"_James and Lily Potter I have watched from afar and find myself reluctantly impressed by your aptitude and courage, I value these traits in a foe. I am willing to give you the chance to reform and join my ranks, if you do so none of your little friends will be hurt..."_

Sirius felt himself hauled to his feet, something had wrapped itself around his throat and he couldn't breathe, he struggled as his feet left the floor and his wand was ripped from his fingers. He grappled uselessly with an invisible force that held him up just as a dark clad figure emerged from the ruins of the hospital, he swept gracefully across the rubble as if floating and came to a halt before Sirius. The man's face was covered, his hood so low over his eyes that Sirius almost couldn't see the red points of light beneath the shadows, his smile was cold as he lifted a pale, spider-like hand and lifted Sirius' chin, his touch was gentle but made Sirius feel sick. "This one is a traitor, yet traitors are not beyond my forgiveness, if he were to renounce Dumbledore and come to my side I would welcome him...as with anyone here." He released Sirius and turned to the couple stood upon the rubble, high above anyone else. "You have fought valiantly, you two are powerful, having defied my strongest Death Eaters, I am not un-merciful, I would spare even the Mudblood woman."

Sirius would have laughed if he had been able to as James turned his wand on Voldemort, his face was full of humour, a smile lit his lips as he ruffled his hair up casually as he used to when he was showing off. "We appear to have hit a snag there..."

"A...snag?"

"Yes, you had me right up until you dared call my wife a you-know-what..."

"James, stop it!" Lily whispered, tugging on his sleeve but Sirius could see that James was in his element. He stood tall, the light hitting his face and highlighting it with gold. "Please..."

"You sign your own Death Warrant, boy!" Voldemort warned.

"Death? No, I have no intention of dying here, Voldemort. You must have known that we would never join you."

Sirius could feel the fury radiating from the dark Lord as the pressure on his throat increased, he choked and scrabbled helplessly at his throat. "Then this one will die!"

James looked at Sirius and he saw the grief there, he tried to smile but it was beyond him. "My friends...were p-prepared to die when they chose this path..." He said softly, his arm rose until he was aiming his wand at the sky. "Kill them and I will make it my life's mission to hunt you, I will kill every single one of your Death Eaters, I will strip them of their dignities and murder them with my bare fucking hands! You do not want to make me angry!"

"You are too weak, Potter, you cannot defeat me, I, who have gone to greater lengths than anyone to gain immortality! You are a foolish child."

"Everything has a weakness, Voldemort." James said softly. "It is just a case of finding yours, and trust me when I say; if you spill the blood of my friends here I will make it my life's mission to destroy you!" James' eyes met Sirius' and suddenly there was a violent flash of bright golden light, Sirius winced as he felt something release him, he crashed to the floor, gasping and retching as hands grabbed him, yanking him to his feet. He felt his wand pushed into his fingers and he turned to see James at his side. "Run." He whispered and suddenly took off, Sirius watched as James Potter leapt a large pile of rocks, spells hissed towards him, he spun on his heels and deflected them with a flick of his wrist. Sirius bit his lower lip as he watched James fight, he looked beautiful with a frown of concentration on his face and surrounded by multicoloured light. Voldemort screamed and flew after his quarry, James watched him come, Sirius saw his lips moving rapidly as he pointed his wand at some rocks, they began to morph into a giant Sphinx who turned her almond shaped eyes on Voldemort and swiped at him with a stone paw.

Suddenly light whizzed past Sirius' head, catching in his hair and he was drawn away from James' battle to face a masked Death Eater. He lifted his wand and gave it a sharp flick, the spell was easily deflected by his enemy who sent his retaliation almost too quickly for Sirius to dodge. It skimmed his arm, drawing blood which spattered the stone and made him wince. "Ok, let's dance, mister." He hissed through his teeth and let a cruel smile stretch his face as he lifted his wand above his head in a duelling stance.

Francis sat by a pile of stones, hot blood ran down his face as he watched Sirius fight, it looked more like a dance with swift movements, carefully calculated steps and fast little flicks. Even covered in blood his looks were far from diminished. Suddenly he felt warm hands on his arm and he turned to see the brown haired boy Remus gazing at him in concern, he had a long wound across his cheek but looked alright. "Are you hurt?" he asked softly. Francis shrugged before turning back to the fight in time to watch Sirius jump backwards to gain the high ground as his foe forced him backwards, their dance was deadly as green lights flew every which way. "Hey, you're wounded, let me take a..." Remus' eyes widened as he ripped open Francis' shirt, there was a giant hole in his stomach from a stray peice of wood which now lay at the man's side. "Oh...oh shit..." He breathed and lifted his wand to heal it, but at the same moment a spell flew from nowhere, bright beautiful green light that hit Francis full in the face so he fell backwards still with that dazed look of awe on his face.

Sirius panted heavily as he was driven backwards, his wand moving as if he held a sword as light shot at his opponent who turned out to be more skilled than he had anticipated, his throat was raw and he was bearing his teeth in a feral snarl as he felt his back hit a wall.

"Ah, now I have you, Black! Finally..."

Sirius grinned maliciously. "My my, if it isn't Snivellus!" He rasped and cackled, throwing his head back. "Oh, this is too good! My opponent could not have been better...yes, yes...I'm liking this! Come on you coward, come and kill me if you think you can!" He stood still and lifted his arms out to his sides, still grinning like a madman as bloodlust rose within him. "Fucking _kill_ me you bastard!" he screamed, laughing hysterically through his words, his eyes glittering like molten silver.

When Severus Snape lifted his wand to deliver the finishing blow Sirius ducked beneath his guard, he pushed himself forward using his legs and drove Snape to the ground where they fell in a tangled heap. Sirius sat astride Snape and de-masked him, throwing the thing across the battle ground before pointing his wand directly into the face he loved to hate. "Oh...you greasy little shit! This is too perfect!" he giggled as Snape struggled violently to heave him off, but physically Sirius was stronger and taller. "Weak...weak...always so fucking weak!" Sirius panted, his eyes alight with a wild fire as he pinned Severus down. "Pathetic, you always were useless, Snivellus, scrawny, stupid and greasy! Why did the Dark lord take you on, hmm? Did he need canon fodder? Well, not that I'm complaining, having you in my power like this is almost as good as James' cock...well, actually I take that back, you're ugly." His grin widened. "Problem is, I simply cannot decide what to use on you...now, I suppose I could use an unforgiveable...would you like that, Snivelly? To watch my face as I make you scream? Reckon I'd be needing a good hard shag after that one..." he licked his lips and cocked his head to the side.

"Y-You wouldn't...dare..." Snape hissed, still struggling uselessly.

"Oh wouldn't I?" Sirius whispered, his eyes darkening and his smile changing to something almost evil. "I'm not like Remus, who's pure and kind and good...and I'm not James either who deplores Dark Magic...I'll use whatever I can to get the job done, I believe it's called reasonable force, Snape. You and your little buddies here would more than likely enjoy torturing me, so why should I not take the same pleasure, hmm?" He aimed his wand directly between Snape's eyes but before the word could escape his lips there was a terrible shriek and all eyes snapped to the central battle. James and Lily stood on opposite sides of Voldemort who appeared to be struggling with a swirl of powerful magic, suddenly there was the rush of wind, a thunderous crack and a puff of smoke and then silence...


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Well, this is a short-ish chapter, I apologise but I am going camping tomorrow (Saturday) and I will be unable to post. :( So I give you this chapter as a temporary peace offering until I return! Forgive this poor author and send lots of reviews! Thanks for all those who continue to make me smile with your praise, I am unworthy but not ungrateful.

_**I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.**__**  
**__**- George McGovern**_

The silence was almost deafening, James slowly lowered his wand and stumbled, he fell to the floor just as Death Eaters began Disapperating everywhere. Sirius was distracted as Snape disappeared with a pop and left him kneeling on the cold stone, with an angry curse he stood and brushed himself down, his body ached but he had enjoyed the fight. He ran to James' side and fell to his knees at his side, Lily was stroking hair from his eyes and smiling softly. "He's just unconscious...he used too much powerful magic and exhausted himself."

"Good...he fought brilliantly, so did you." Sirius said with a small smile which Lily returned, Remus appeared at their side looking sad. "Remus, are you hurt?" The werewolf shook his head but his face remained grim, Sirius frowned. "What's wrong?" He asked warily.

"It's...Francis...Sirius he took a Killing curse right to the face." He said softly.

Sirius moved his eyes to a small pile of rubble where a figure sat leaning heavily against it. He stood as if in a dream and walked slowly towards the body, he knelt carefully and looked into the man's vacant face before reaching up and closing his eyes. "I'm sorry." He whispered softly. "You didn't deserve this..."

"He's smiling." Remus said as he put his hand on Sirius' arm. "The Ministry will be arriving shortly to sort out the Muggle dead...come on, you're wounded, we need to sort you out."

"No...no, I'll tell his lover myself." Sirius stood and gazed down at Francis with sadness. "He was good to me, and gentle..."

"I know." Remus embraced him and Sirius put an arm around him. "It's not your fault, Siri."

"It is, don't lie to me, please."

"I'm not, you couldn't have predicted this, it was a terrible accident."

"If he had never known me he would still be alive, Remus. I'll be alright." He drew away with a small, sad smile and kissed Remus on the forehead before stepping away and lifting his wand. "Tell James I'll return later tonight, I need some time to think and clear my head."

"Sirius..." Remus grabbed him and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Be careful."

"Aren't I always?" Sirius smiled and spun on the spot.

The door seemed like an insurmountable wall as Sirius stood before it and gazed at the knocker, he was afraid, he wandered how Alessandro would react to being told that his boyfriend had died in an attack, Sirius had decided that the truth wouldn't do. He would go along with the Ministry line of a terrorist attack, they usually blamed large explosions on such. Finally he gathered his courage and knocked firmly, a second later and it was opened by the young Italian man, he smiled revealing white teeth. "You're ok?"

"Yeah...um...I-I have some news, I think...I think you should hear it from me first...but you might want to sit down."

The man's face fell and his eyes darkened slightly. "Is it Francis, yes?"

Sirius nodded and lowered his eyes. "I'm...sorry..."

"I see. Come inside and I will get you drink."

"Thanks." Sirius stepped into the warm house, it seemed oddly empty as he sat down in the large living room and took a drink from Alessandro.

"You have fight?" The man asked, nodding to Sirius' battered appearance.

"Yeah, kind of...Um...I have to tell you, Francis he..."

"He found another?" Alessandro asked coldly. "He liked you a lot, he mentioned you many time. If he has left me I would know."

"No...no it's not that."

"Then what?"

"Well...this is hard...I um...When we were leaving the Hospital there was...an attack...and the place was...destroyed...H-he was caught in the blast and...and was killed." Sirius spoke while frowning into his drink, the silence was long and oppressive, the atmosphere too still. He risked a quick glance up and saw the man watching him, his dark eyes were calculating.

"He is dead?"

"Yes."

"Is this certain?"

"I saw his body myself...I'm so sorry."

"No, you are not."

"Huh?" Sirius was taken back, his eyes widened. "What?"

"You come to our house, a stranger to me, yet Francis knew you...this tells me you met before. We have been together for many years, we met in Florence. I know he leaves to go to the clubs, I let him have his fun, I am not clingy, but he was different for you. You made him drift."

"I-I...I didn't..."

"If he is dead it is your fault."

"I..."

"He took you to the hospital and looked after you, he even took you in when you were distressed. His death is your fault."

Sirius sat there, gaping slightly. He snapped his mouth shut and sighed as he stood. "I'm sorry for your loss, I'll go now."

"You are a strange boy, you have a troubled past, that I can see and you are a violent person. Come here." He beckoned as he leaned back against the sofa, Sirius stepped closer and the man grabbed his shirt, pulling him to his knees so they were at eye level with each other. "I know he fucked you, and I would not have minded if he had not been talking of you while with me. You are pretty, but you are strange, dark...I will not have you back here again."

"No...that's fine."

"I should ask for compensation...no?"

Sirius blinked at him. "Compensation?"

"Yes."

"I see..." Sirius felt himself tugged closer. "Isn't that a little...disrespectful?"

"I am grieving and I wish to forget, you will serve this purpose."

He sighed softly. "Fine."

"Then undress."

Sirius stood when he was released and lifted his shirt off, it fell from his fingers onto the floor and was quickly joined by his belt. The Italians eyes were intense as they moved up and down his body, he undid his belt and began working open the button on his jeans, the heat of the man's stare was making him uncomfortable but he continued. He owed him something, if he could help ease the man's grief by letting him fuck him he saw no harm in it.

"On your knees." Alessandro said, as he took Sirius by the wrist and dragged him down. "Undress me." Sirius began working on his belt and jeans, when they were open the Italian smiled and shook his head. "You are too easy, you should have refused me."

"But he died because of me, I owe you something..."

Alessandro put two fingers under Sirius' chin and lifted his head. "Are you a whore?"

"No..."

"Then why would you have sex with me just because I asked?"

"Because...I wanted to...make up for what I did..."

"Then you wish to ease your own guilt? Is that not selfish?"

"Well, I..."

"Sex is not a duty, it is to be enjoyed...it is sensual, passionate and loving." As he spoke he ran a finger down Sirius' neck slowly and made him shiver. "You are not used to gentleness, are you?"

"It doesn't matter..."

"It does. It always matters. Sex is one thing..." He slid his hand down Sirius' chest, slowly caressing a nipple with a finger, teasing it and making Sirius' breathing speed up. "Making love is another, you don't seem to be someone who has known a gentle lover. This man you are in love with, does he fuck you or make love to you?"

"I-Is there a difference?" Sirius whispered as that finger moved across his chest slowly, tracing intricate patterns onto his bloody chest.

"Of course, I think Francis wished to teach you...So young, and so abused...he pitied you and I can see why." He leaned closer, unfolding his long legs and pushing his fingers into Sirius' hair gently, he pressed his lips to Sirius' and began to tease his tongue slowly forcing a long groan from Sirius' lips. "You see, there are some things that rough sex cannot do." He pulled Sirius closer, his tongue exploring his mouth as he drew soft little whimpers from him and Sirius' fingers dug into his sofa so his knuckles were white. "Mm...You taste like blood." He whispered as he drew again to find Sirius flushed with excitement, his hands shook almost imperceptibly and his eyes were glazed. "Do you still wish to have sex with me because I'm grieving or because you want it?"

Sirius took a shuddery breath, collecting his wits. "I want it..." He croaked hoarsely. "I want you."

"Good, that is the correct answer." Alessandro smiled and drew Sirius into his lap. "And now I will make you forget all about your little straight friend, soon you will only be able to remember my name."

Evening found them on the sofa, Sirius sat astride Alessandro, moving himself up and down slowly. His fingers dug into the back of the seat and his head had been thrown back as pleasure engulfed his senses. He trembled and bit down on his lip as the Italian encased a nipple in wet heat, he ran his tongue around it until it hardened. The Italians hands gripped his hips and controlled his speed which he kept at an agonisingly slow pace, his kisses were molten, his tongue like fire that left Sirius feeling desperate as he rode him. He was harder than he had been in a long time, it was almost painful as he tried not to speed his movements. "Oh god..." He gasped as his toes curled. "Oh fucking hell..."

Alessandro chuckled breathlessly. "You seem to be enjoying this, Sirius."

"Fuck yes! So good..." He opened his eyes which he hadn't even realised he had closed to gaze into those dark depths, they were like liquid jet and full of passion and desire. "A-Alessandro...!" He whispered with a soft gasp as hands ran up his back, he arched it like a kitten as his skin tingled and that wicked tongue found his throat. He felt teeth and hands and soft lips, his touched were gentle and loving, his lips delicate as they kissed their way down his body and made him swear and tense.

"No...don't cum yet..."

"C-Can't...can't...Nnn...oh fuck! Oh f-fuck...!" His hands gripped the sofa as he fought his orgasm.

"Shh...not yet, hold on..."

Sirius bit down hard on his bottom lip and took a deep, shuddery breath as the urge to cum passed. He sighed shakily. "I'm fine now...I..." he groaned heavily as his lover began pumping his hips upwards, teeth nipped ever so gently at his neck and he tangled his hands into those tight curls and began responding.

Their gasps echoed through the room, punctuated by searing kisses and heavy breathing, finally he felt Alessandro tense. "Cum, Sirius..." He whispered gently. "With me..."

Sirius moved, his hips speeding up as he lifted himself with his legs, his gasps became louder as his voice joined his partners. They came together, Sirius spattering their chests with hot white liquid as he shook and came down from his high. He lay on top of his lover gasping into his hair as he calmed down, his mind slowly ground back into gear and he pushed himself away enjoying the feel of Alessandro's fingers on his back, he gazed into those eyes and smiled weakly. "That was...amazing..." He said softly.

Alessandro smiled. "Now you can break from your straight friend and find someone who will love you, Francis wished to show what it could be like and so I completed his last wish."

Sirius' smile fell slightly. "I see...then all this was...?"

"Merely a show of kindness, although you are cute."

Sirius laughed at that and slowly lifted himself off, he leaned down and kissed Alessandro slowly, their tongues tangled for a moment before he pulled away. "Thanks." He said.

XXX

Remus sat on the sofa as dawn approached, he was supposed to be reading but the words of the book seemed meaningless as he continued to glance up at the clock. Time seemed to tick past slowly, he was worrying again, Sirius hadn't returned from telling Francis' lover that he had died. Suddenly he heard the roar of an engine and leapt to his feet, the book spilled from his hands as he ran for the door and ripped it open, he leapt down into the street to find Sirius manoeuvring the bike into the garage. "Sirius!" He shouted as his housemate cut the engine and turned to him, he flung his arms around Sirius' neck and breathed in his scent...but he could smell something else as well; A spicy smell, like some kind of foreign aftershave and the definite scent of sex clung to his skin. "You've been having sex..." He said and pulled away, Sirius was smiling.

"Yeah...I needed it." He swung his leg off the bike and winced slightly. "Need a shower though, wanna join me?"

"Alright, but I'm getting the full story from you."

Sirius laughed and threw his arm across his shoulders, pulling him to his side. Remus smiled, he was glad to see Sirius happy, it made those butterflies flap in his stomach and the feeling was pleasant.

They showered together and Sirius teased him gently, turning him around and washing his back while laughing and describing his encounter with Francis' lover. Remus laughed with him, he enjoyed Sirius' laughter and the gentleness of his hands, even more so the fact that he seemed unable to see the horribly disfiguring scars that covered the werewolf's body.

Afterwards they curled up beside each other in Sirius' bed and talked, giggling softly to each other as the light crept into the room and they both fell asleep curled around each other as they so often had in the shrieking shack during a full moon.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: A nice angsty chappy for your eyes! I apologise for the long gap between the last chapter and this one, hopefully I'll get into a rhythm in writing again. What with the holiday and helping my parents out with stuff I haven't found much time to write! Forgive me and I promise to try and get this updated asap in future. Please enjoy the angst and love to all my wonderful reviewers and all those reading my story, you always make me smile.

_**They are knocking now upon your door**__**  
**__**They measure the room, they know the score**__**  
**__**They're mopping up the butcher's floor**__**  
**__**Of your broken little heart**__**  
**__**- Nick Cave 'O'Children'**_

Sirius was in his garage tending to his bike when Remus came running in. He looked up to see the distressed Werewolf clutching a peice of crumpled parchment in one hand. "It happened again!" He gasped frantically, waving the paper in Sirius' face.

"What did?" Sirius asked, wiping away a smudge of oil from his cheek with the sleeve of his denim jacket.

"Voldemort!"

Sirius waited, but when no continuation was forthcoming he spoke. "Who's dead now?" He asked in a monotone.

"No one's dead..."

"Then why...?"

"James and Lily..."

Sirius jumped to his feet. "Let's go." He grabbed his jacket, waving his wand so his bike put itself back together again as he straddled it, Remus climbed nervously on behind him and buried his face in Sirius' hair. With a loud rumbling roar the bike ground into life and they sped out of the garage and off down the road.

James and Lily's house was as it always had been, when the two friends knocked on the door it was opened by James who looked worse for wear but had a big silly grin on his face as he dragged Sirius into an embrace. "We did it again!" he exclaimed. "We beat him twice! Can you believe it? I feel fucking amazing!"

"How are you? Is anyone hurt?" Remus asked as they entered the house.

Lily was sat in the living room nursing a cup of tea in shaking hands, her red hair was a mess and she had blood smeared across one cheek but she seemed mostly unhurt. "We're fine." James said, his clothes were torn and his glasses broken. "We messaged you as soon as we got back here..."

Remus sighed and sank shakily into the sofa beside Lily, he took her hand. "Thank Merlin you're alright." He breathed.

Lily managed a weak smile. "Yes, it was a close thing but we managed to escape."

"It's a miracle!" Sirius muttered, leaning against the wall.

"Tell me about it, he's intent on killing us both himself, his Death Eaters were there but they were hanging back...I think that's the only reason we escaped, if we had been completely surrounded we wouldn't have stood a chance." James flung himself down into a seat and chuckled. "Still, it was almost worth it just to hear him scream."

"Maybe you should be more careful in future, I mean, don't go wandering off on your own." Remus said slowly.

"I think that's sensible." Lily agreed. "Next time we might not be so lucky."

"How are the protections around this place?" Sirius asked.

James considered. "Maybe we could strengthen them. We'll be back in a minute." He leaned down and kissed Lily on the cheek, Sirius winced and looked away, Remus watched him with soft, sad eyes.

When they had left Remus sighed shakily and pushed fingers through his hair, he closed his eyes tightly and felt Lily place a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It'll be ok, Remus." She whispered.

Remus shook his head. "He doesn't even see me, Lily." He whispered. "His whole world is James, everything he is revolves around him, I can't replace that! I can't even come close to becoming what he wants...what he needs."

"He needs someone like you. He needs someone to be kind to him, even if James is...is still in love with him, he has me now and Sirius knows this. He will come to see the light in you too, you just wait."

"I've been waiting for nine years." He whispered. "It's so hard and it gets harder every day, I have to be there for him when James hurts him, it's _me_ who picks up the pieces and attempts to stitch his heart back together again. When he gets so drunk he passes out it's me who undresses him and puts him to bed, when he comes home from a mission shaking and covered in blood and as vulnerable as a child it's _me_ he comes to and I hold him and let him cry into my shoulder...and if I'm honest, Lily, it's destroying me."

"Oh Remus, I'm so sorry..." Lily embraced him tightly as he sighed heavily into her hair. "I never considered how hard it must be for you."

"It's hard but...but I can't _not_ do it. If I wasn't here he would have killed himself a long time ago. He acts like he's strong, like he can take anything the world throws at him, but I've seen the real Sirius Black and he's just a child. I have to be there to support him or he'll drown in his darkness..."

Lily was silent, she had known about Remus' secret heartache for as long as they had been friends and her own heart ached for him. He had had to watch Sirius give his heart to James only to have it stamped on repeatedly if unintentionally, yet Sirius always repeated it, causing himself agony each and every time he left himself open. She pitied him, she understood how much it hurt to have your heart broken and she knew that Sirius was so obsessed with James that he would never leave him or let him go.

Sirius leaned against the wall as James stood before him smiling softly as his hand slid down his neck. "I missed you...It's been too long, Siri."

Sirius' eyes filled with heart-wrenching agony as he felt those familiar fingers in his hair as his head was tipped back and those beautifully familiar lips were pressed against his. "Jamie..." He sighed into his lover's mouth as he parted his own lips to allow James' tongue entrance. He lifted his arms and wrapped them around his friend's neck and drew him closer, they kissed slowly and let the heat build between them until it was almost unbearable, Sirius moaned softly as James' hands slid down his back and cupped his arse.

"Are you alright?" James asked as he pulled away and nuzzled Sirius' hair.

"Mm...I'm fine, James. I'm always fine." Sirius whispered back. "But..."

"There's always a 'but', Siri. Lily's inside with Remus, they'll keep each other entertained...come on, just let me touch you."

"James I..."

"You're not up for it?" James frowned at him. "You sure you're alright?"

"No, I want it. I want _you_...I never stopped." Sirius replied and kissed him hard on the mouth, they fell backwards a few paces until James' back hit the wall of the house next to his, Sirius struggled with his jeans and finally pulled open the button and stuffed his hand inside his pants. "Always you..." He panted as he felt James' own hand inside his jeans, he closed his eyes. "Always...always...Oh fuck...J-Jamie..."

"Shh..." James muttered into his ear as he worked his hand up and down Sirius' shaft, he felt him breathing heavily and smiled into his hair. "You'll...wake the neighbours."

"Ah...I can't...James...Y-You're gunna make me Nnn...Cum..."

"Already?" James panted, grinning broadly at Sirius' flushed face. "Not even going to wait for me? Don't you want to feel me inside you?" He lowered his voice and pushed himself into Sirius' palm, enjoying the way his eyes flickered and a long moan escaped his lips. "Do you want me...here?" He pushed his other hand into the back of Sirius' jeans, pressing gently against his hole and making him gasp and shudder.

"Yes..."

"You sure? You don't sound it. You going to cum just from this?" He slid his finger inside and Sirius took a sharp breath before squeezing James' erection in response. "Christ, Siri...you're a fucking wet dream, look at you..."

"J-Jamie..." He trembled as he felt his orgasm approaching, James' hands drove it forward like wind on a fire, the flames tore through his body as he let himself go, throwing his head back and gazing up at the slither of night sky between the two roofs.

"Come on...cum for me...I want t-to hear you say my name..."

"James...James..." Sirius tensed, almost doubling over as the full force of his orgasm ripped through him, leaving his knees weak and his heart pounding in his chest as he felt James' semen splash his fingers.

The door opened and Remus looked up, he wasn't an idiot and neither was Lily. Her fingers closed around her tea and she avoided their eyes, the silence was horribly tense and Sirius looked at his feet. Remus stood slowly, his hands twitching so he clenched them into fists, he finally met Sirius' eyes. "Merlin you two are such fools." He whispered roughly.

"We haven't..." James began but Lily looked at him and he fell silent.

"I want you to leave." She said softly and stood. "Leave and don't come back Sirius."

Sirius nodded. "I'm..."

"No, you're not. You're never sorry for this...just...just get out."

He shot a look at James before nodding slowly and turning away, he paused at the door, a hand on the wood. "I am, you know." He said before walking away, the door slammed behind him.

"James..." Lily's lip trembled but she held her composure and dignity. "What is it that you want?"

"I...I don't...Lily...I want..." He stuttered but bit his lip and fell silent before falling into a sofa with his head buried into his hands. "I'm so sorry."

"Please, don't lie to me." Lily said in that same soft voice, her own pain only obvious in her green eyes. "You promised me, James. You married me...and yet you betray me."

"I should go." Remus took a step backwards but Lily put a hand on his arm.

"Leave him, let him think about it." She said firmly. "He'll be fine, he's an adult and it's time he learnt to stand on his own."

"But he..."

"The more he comes to rely on you the less likely he is to break out of this pattern, Remus."

The werewolf fell silent and lowered his head. "Alright."

"I love you Lily, I really do...it's just that I...I love him too..." James whispered hoarsely, his voice cracked and broken. "Today I realised that I can't let him go, I can't let you go either! I'm so torn...And with Voldemort hunting us, it's hard and I-I'm scared...our friends are dying all around us, how long before it's me, or Remus or Sirius or even you? What will we do when we're all broken?"

"We're all scared James." Remus said slowly. "Sirius most of all. We're kids! We're children still, we act like adults, we try and act as if we know what we're doing but at the end of the day none of us do. We're not murderers, we were not built to kill like the Death Eaters, it's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't we wouldn't be any better than them. We're too young for this, but we're too old to keep out of it."

Lily sighed. "I'm scared too, but James, you need to make a decision, can't you see how much this is killing him? How much this is killing _me_?"

"You're right Lily...I know you're right." Slowly James stood and took a shaky breath. "I'll break it off...for good."

"Thank you."

Remus bit back his retort, he was half glad half worried. Sirius needed a clean break from James, he needed his freedom, yet Remus knew that this would be a sore blow to him. He prepared himself mentally for the hard night ahead.

James found Sirius standing down the street and gazing up at the sky, he was smoking a cigarette. "Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it." He croaked. "If you say anything..."

"I have to and you have to hear it." James replied, staring at the back of his best friend, his lover. "We can't do this anymore."

"No." Sirius shook his head. "Stop it."

"...I won't hurt Lily anymore, she's my wife now and I have responsibilities. I want a family, Siri."

"Please..."

"It's better this way, you can move on now and find someone who can give you all their heart."

"I want _you_! I've only ever wanted you!"

"It can't happen. Not again, not ever."

"You're a bastard, Potter." Sirius rasped, his heart shattering even as he let the cigarette fall from his fingers onto the tarmac. "I...I hate you for this."

"I know...I'm sorry."

"Stuff your apologies, they're lies." He took a step forward and stopped, his eyesight blurred as tears spilled down his cheeks. "James, I'll always love you. You'll always be the only person I will ever, ever love." With that he grabbed his Motorbike and jumped onto it.

James watched as Sirius flew away into the night sky, he wrapped an arm around himself and stared as the tail light winked and disappeared like a little red star.

XXX

Remus returned to an empty flat, he sighed heavily and closed the door behind him. When he had got himself a drink and settled down on the sofa he buried his face in his hands, he hadn't really wanted them to break off their relationship, he loved Sirius but he was also happy as long as he was. But now he had no idea how Sirius would take this, and it scared him. He sighed and lifted his head where he saw a letter lying on the table, the window was open and a large owl feather lay on the table. He frowned and picked up the parchment. His eyes widened as he recognised the seal stamped firmly into the black wax. "Oh no..." He whispered as the door was slammed open, he tried to hide the letter but was brutally unsuccessful as Sirius tumbled drunkenly towards him and tore it out of his fingers.

"Siri, maybe you should wait..."

"It's fine, Moons, it's probably my wonderful old mum telling me how much she's missed me and how she wants to reconcile our differences." His voice dripped sarcasm as he tore open the letter and read it.

The silence was terrible and Remus watched from his seat on the sofa while Sirius' face twisted. "Siri?" He asked nervously.

Sirius crumpled the letter into his fist, his eyes were dark, partly obscured by the fall of his hair. "Regulus." He breathed before turning for the kitchen, Remus watched as he withdrew a bottle of Firewhiskey and pulled the cork with his teeth, he had downed half the bottle before Remus reached him and ripped it from his fingers.

"No." Remus said firmly. "I'm not having you drinking...what happened?"

"Piss off! If I want to drink, I'll bloody well drink, and no one is around to stop me! If I want to fucking drink myself into a stupor and take my bike out for a long ride off a shirt cliff, you'll fucking well let me because you're not my mother! You're not my keeper! I will do as I bloody well please, now fuck off and let me kill myself in peace!"

"Don't be so stupid!" Remus pulled the bottle back as Sirius made to snatch it. "You're my friend, Sirius, I care about you! Just talk to me, what does it say?"

"Regulus is dead!" Sirius screamed and lunged at Remus.

They fell to the floor, Sirius straddling Remus' hips as they struggled with the whiskey. "Siri, I'm sorry..."

"No you're fucking not! Just give me the bottle! My life is pointless! I have nothing to live for anymore...let me have some fucking peace..._please_..."

"I care about you!" Remus shouted, but Sirius snatched the bottle back and downed the rest of it. When he was done he ran his sleeve across his mouth and coughed slightly, the bottle fell to the floor as he grabbed the front of Remus' slightly battered robes and pressed his forehead to his chest.

His shoulders shook as he surpressed his sobs. "H-He's gone, Remmy...He fucking left me..."

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I really am." He put his hand on his back and pushed aside his own pain, Sirius needed him now more than ever.

"Both of 'em...fucking bastards! I'll die alone...my parents were righ', what goods this fucking crusade done me? Fighting...fighting and more fucking fighting! I've been doin' it all my life...and...and I've had enough...no more, Moony...don't le' 'em make me...I-I can't...I've lost the will...I want...I want to die..."

"No you don't..." Remus stroked his back gently, tracing soothing patterns across it as Sirius sobbed desperately into his robes. "Shh, come on, let me up and we can talk..."

Sirius lifted his head slowly. "Is that...is that what you want? To talk?" He rasped, eyes swimming with crystal clear tears that had caught in his eyelashes. "You want to talk?"

"What I want is irrelevant, Sirius, it's what you need that is more important."

"What if I said I need you? What if said I need you to fuck me, right here and now...what would you say?

Remus gazed at Sirius in shock. "Sirius I...I don't..."

"No talk...just do." Sirius whispered as he leaned down and pressed his lips to Remus', the kiss was wet from tears and slightly salty but Remus couldn't prevent his fingers from lifting and tangling in that gorgeously soft hair.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: Woop! Another Chapter. Ok, hope you're all still enjoying this story because I am! :D I live Sirius Black, he's so amazing to write, so easy! Anyways, thank you for all your wonderful reviews they always make me happy and keep me going on my story. I am writing several stories at the moment and it is difficult keeping up with them all, but I am trying! Lol. Keep reading and reviewing, thanks so, so much!

_**My heart was taken by you... broken by you... and now it is in pieces because of you.**_

The kiss was everything Remus had dreamt and yet it was so much more because it was _real_. Sirius tasted of Whiskey and cigarettes, he smelt of alcohol and smoke and exhaust fumes but the combination was intoxicating, he felt electricity thrum through his body, setting fire to his nerves and forcing a soft moan from his lips. His brain stalled and he lifted himself up, pushing Sirius onto his back as he felt fingers on his robes. He pulled away and looked down into silver eyes, eyes that were like twin moons, eyes that tore at his heart and made it beat erratically. Then he saw clear tears falling down Sirius' cheeks, guilt filled him and he sighed heavily feeling the sudden, heated surge of desire leave him, he felt flat and empty all of a sudden. "We can't do this Sirius." He whispered, trying to force his uncooperative tongue to form the words.

"Why not?" Sirius croaked back, running a thumb across a scar on Remus' neck.

"You're drunk for a start." Remus sat up, slowly moving away but Sirius grabbed him, pulling him back into a searing kiss that threatened to blow all sense out the window. With a wrench of his will he pulled away, pressing his forehead to his friends. "No, Siri...not now." He managed. Sirius simply looked confused and Remus closed his eyes. "You know I was in love with you for a very long time." The words fell from his lips, by passing his brain. "For nine long years, since I first watched you scare those kids away who were bullying me. You were handsome and kind to me, of course it took me a while to realise just how I was feeling...You and James both have this awe inspiring light, it doesn't take much for another to see it, and it swallowed me whole. I fell so hard it hurt, yet you refused to see me, you still don't see me and you never will. I have accepted this, you and James were made for each other; both confident, powerful, beautiful people with so much to give the world...whereas I'm the monster, I'm the creature who hides behind your light. If we were to do this it would kill me as surely as a killing curse. We need to stop now, before I cross the line."

"There are no lines, Moony...I want this! I want to have sex with you."

"You want to hurt me?" Remus opened his eyes and looked down into Sirius' own, his smile was soft and as painful as an open wound. "If I do take advantage of you I will not only never forgive myself but I will be forced to sit back as you continue to chase after James, I would be forced to watch you go to him...don't tell me you won't, I know you. I love you Sirius, I love you so bloody much I am able to let you go. I'm begging you, don't push me."

Sirius closed his eyes for a second and took a breath. "I'm sorry, Moony."

"It's alright." Slowly Remus climbed off of him, helping him to his feet afterwards. They moved to the sofa and sat together for a long time, Sirius buried his face into Remus' robes and the silence was comfortable yet Remus found himself regretting his refusal, he doubted Sirius would ever give him another chance.

After half an hour of silence Sirius drew away, he looked at Remus with narrowed eyes. "You know, you're too bloody noble for your own good. Any normal guy would have taken advantage of me in an instant, I'm drunk and vulnerable, don't straight blokes do that to girls?"

"You're not a girl."

"I noticed. My cock is pretty obvious."

Remus chuckled. "It is."

"Are you sure?" Sirius leaned close, their faces were inches apart and his gaze was heated. "You can still change your mind." He grabbed Remus' wrist and put his hand on his groin, pressing it down as their fingers entwined. He was hard beneath his denim, Remus felt heat infuse his cheeks and realised he was breaking, his will wavering as he drowned in moonlight.

"Oh god..." Remus moaned as he closed the distance between them, their lips met in a slow, sloppy kiss. "I shouldn't..."

"Who cares? Even if it's one night Remus, you want it."

"I-I...I do. I want you...so much."

"Then give in and fucking _take_ me!"

Something seemed to snap inside the Werewolf, he felt his animal instincts take over and consume him. Remus floated away on a sea of lust and hot, wet kisses as he pulled Sirius close. Their bodies were one, their tongues tangling within the confines of their mouths and their fingers digging into each other's scalps.

It was hot and tight, Remus had enormous difficulty controlling himself as he found himself swamped in sensation, Sirius was beautiful as he moaned and cursed. He decided he was dreaming, it was easier than thinking it was real, because if it was real, in the morning Sirius would go back to James, he would fall into his arms and they would return to being the same person in two bodies. Remus hated the idea that the two best friends were soul mates, but it was obvious, they loved each other with a fierceness that nothing could ever match, it was violent, rough and they hurt each other in more ways than one...but Remus knew they were made for each other. Even though James and Lily were in love, they would never have the connection that Sirius and James had.

As they made love Remus could see Sirius' eyes, they were dark and with a sickening jolt he realised that he wasn't with him, Sirius was with James. The thought hurt him, he sighed and closed his eyes, ignoring the ache of his heart as he concentrated on the physical pleasure of his partners body.

At some point they moved to Sirius' bedroom to continue their activities, the bed was soft and cool, the breeze from the window dried the sweat from their bodies and as Sirius came he cried.

They collapsed into the sheets, sated and tired. Sirius curled into a tight ball and fell asleep, Remus watched him for a while, the sheets tangled around his body, he began tracing gentle patterns across his pale skin until sleep claimed him too. He dreamt that Sirius loved him, he dreamt that they were happy.

Sirius was woken by an agonisingly irritating shaft of sunlight that had the indecency to peek in through his curtains and wake the men in his head who seemed to be doing some serious demolition work. He groaned heavily and rolled onto his side, without opening his eyes he slipped out of the covers and began stumbling blindly through the room to shut out that offensive light, his fingers grabbed the curtains and he pulled them shut with a grateful sigh, his head continued to pound with an ever increasing ferocity and his mouth felt as if he had been eating sponges from his bathroom, with another tortured moan he cracked an eye open and began trying to walk towards the bathroom door which was being most uncooperative by moving around, finally he grabbed the handle and yanked it open before falling through it and onto the cool tiled floor.

He lay still and moaned. "What the fuck happened last night?" He whinged in a raspy voice, when his toilet refused to answer he crawled over to it, leaning on the lid as he dragged himself upright. From his position sitting on the loo, he had an unimpeded view of his bedroom and his messy bed. It took his mind a long time to really absorb what he was seeing, but when it finally hit him he took a sharp breath. "_Shit_." He muttered. Remus lay in bed, as naked as the day he was born with his messy brown hair falling inelegantly across his forehead. He was smiling in his sleep and the scars on his body seemed so insignificant in comparison to the pure joy on his face. "Sirius Black...you've really fucked up this time." He buried his face in his hands and tried to remember what he had done to convince Remus to sleep with him, his body still ached pleasantly from the encounter and his skin smelt of his friend, it was a warm comforting scent that made him think of home and it made him sick with guilt. "I'm sorry..."

Remus woke alone, the bed was cold but he rolled over and sleepily dragged the pillow to him and took a deep breath. "Sirius." He whispered softly, smiling into the cotton pillow case. He could hear the sound of someone having a shower and decided he could risk lying there for a while longer and drown himself in memories of hot kisses, hotter bodies and soft whispers of pleasure. His half dreams were interrupted when the bathroom door opened to reveal Sirius, he wore a towel wrapped about his waist as he dried his hair with another, when their eyes met Remus saw the guilt and his smile slipped from his face as reality crashed down on him, obliterating his quiet joy. "Siri, about last night..."

"I'm sorry." Sirius said, interrupting Remus. "I...I wasn't in my right mind, I-I can't really remember...I'm sorry."

Remus felt his heart break, it was painful but he kept it off his face. "Don't worry, nothing happened." He said with a straight face. Sirius narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"Then why do I feel like I've had sex?"

"I don't know, but I promise you, nothing happened. You don't need to feel guilty. We...we almost did it but you were so drunk you passed out." He lied smoothly, giving no hint of the pain his words caused, he didn't think Sirius needed to know, when he re-read the letter he would not need guilt added to his grief.

"You're sure? I mean...When I get that drunk I can get a bit randy..."

Remus forced a smile. "We never did anything except kiss, I promise."

"Oh...oh right..." Sirius still had his suspicions, he knew what that ache in his lower back was, he knew what the faded marks were on his wrists. But, if Remus wished to pretend it didn't happen, Sirius wasn't about to force him to recount it all.

The silence was awkward as Sirius changed, much too quickly for Remus' liking, he hated the tension between them but couldn't find a way to break it. They avoided each other's eyes and only spoke to each other when necessary, after a silent breakfast they left the house and went their separate ways.

Sirius' mission was boring, he had been sent to tail a group of suspected Death Eaters and try to listen in on them, he followed them for hours as Padfoot but they said nothing of importance so eventually he left them to get himself something to eat.

The muggle cafe was grimy, the people easily ignored the delinquent in the torn leathers and long hair who sat in the corner looking into his cold coffee with a dark, brooding frown. Sirius was so deep in thought he never noticed the other person to enter and sit at his own table, it was only when his companion cleared his throat that he looked up. "James!" He muttered in shock.

"Hi, I saw you through the window, what's wrong? You look morose."

Sirius managed a lopsided smile. "I'm alright, what about you?"

James shifted uncomfortably for a moment. "I'm fine, Siri, really happy." He smiled to prove it. "Lily and I...we're thinking of selling the house and getting a place of our own. We'd like to start a family."

"Oh...oh that's really...nice..." Sirius tried to fit a smile onto his face but knew he had failed when he saw James sigh sadly. "I wish I could be happy for you, James." He whispered after a few moments of silence. "I really do."

"I know, I know..."

Sirius turned away and gazed out the window, but he wasn't really seeing the people passing by. His mind was with his stupid, thirteen year old self, slowly coming to terms with his sexuality and turning new eyes on his best friend. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, resting his head on one hand. "We were made for each other." He said softly, smiling slightly as he remembered seeing James as if some veil had been ripped from his eyes, seeing him in a whole new light as he realised he was actually in love with him.

"Sirius..." James reached forward, taking Sirius' free hand and pulling it towards him. Sirius opened his eyes and turned them to him, they looked at each other for a long, agonising moment. "I will never, ever stop loving you...but we..."

"I know." He lifted his hand and ran his knuckles down James' cheek, his touch was gentle and his eyes full of an undying love and complete, blind loyalty. "I know you can't love me like I want you to, but...but I will always, always be at your side, even if it kills me to see you with her. I will die at your side Jamie, trust me."

"I never stopped." James smiled softly.

"Here you are James! I was looking for you...oh...hello Sirius." Lily appeared at James' shoulder, Sirius smiled and she returned it. James stood and kissed her on the cheek before pulling out a seat for her, she sat down as he got her a drink. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Lily." He said softly, absently running a finger around the rim of his mug. "How are you?"

"Good, James has been amazing...did he tell you we were thinking of getting our own place? Somewhere more child friendly?"

"He did, congratulations."

"Thanks." James sat down, handing Lily a coffee. "Still getting confused by all this Muggle money, it's all so complicated."

Lily laughed and her eyes moved to Sirius' hand, his fingers were wrapped around a peice of badly crumpled parchment. "What's that?"

Sirius clenched his hand around it. "It's..." He sighed heavily and pushed his hair from his eyes. "My mother was kind enough to write to me yesterday, she told me that Regulus died...he was murdered. There's no body so there will be no funeral...and only me and my insane old mother to grieve for him."

"Oh Sirius, I'm so sorry." Lily said sadly, her eyes full of sympathy that Sirius neither wanted nor needed.

"Really it's his own fault...he got himself caught up in all this, he chose to become a Death Eater and if he thought he could escape that he was sorely mistaken. He was always so weak Lily, so easily led he should be pitied, not me." He stood in one casually elegant movement and tossed a few coins onto the table. "I have to go, have fun."

"Right...good bye, Sirius and look after yourself mate!"

Sirius gave a casual wave over his shoulder before stepping out into the street where it had begun to pour with rain. He pushed his hands into his pockets and tipped his head back for a moment so the rain washed away his pain a little, finally he walked away.

James watched Sirius leave, he bit down hard on his lip and slowly began to stand. "Lily I..."

Lily looked up at him, her green eyes sad but understanding. "He needs you, James...go."

"Thank you." He took off after his friend as Lily lowered her head into her hands and took a shuddery breath. The rain was coming down hard, it soaked into James' t-shirt making it stick to his skin, but he ignored it as he searched the street, finally he spotted Sirius walking ahead of him. He ran after his friend, pushing angry people aside, his feet kicked up a spray from puddles as he shoved his way through the crowds. Sirius was ahead of him, his shoulders hunched against the rain and his hair plastered to his head, James took a breath. "Sirius!" He shouted and the man turned slowly, time froze for one blissful, beautiful moment before they closed the distance. Sirius grabbed James, dragging him close by his wet hair, their lips met in a kiss that stole their breath. They were so close that Sirius could hardly tell where he began and James ended, their hands were tangled in hair, their fingers bruising the skin and their wet clothes chafing, yet everything was so wonderful, so perfect that the little things no longer mattered. They forgot where they were, they forgot about the myriad of Muggle's around them and they forgot about everything except each other's tongues and lips and teeth.

Finally James broke the kiss, he pressed their foreheads together and smiled. "Never forgive me for this, Sirius." He whispered, tracing a line of gentle kisses across his cheek. "Never forgive me."

"I won't..." Sirius replied, smiling back as he took James' wrists in his hands and kissed his lips gently. "When you kill me, make it hurt so I know how alive you make me feel."

"Always." James chuckled softly as he slid fingers through Sirius' hair, it was soaked as were their clothes but they were warm as their bodies were pressed so close. "We're so stupid."

"And reckless...stupid and reckless and _thoughtless_...but I couldn't care less, Jamie."

"Nor I."

"What's Lily going to say?" Sirius asked as he looked into James' eyes, ignoring the stares the pair were attracting.

"Nothing...she let me go to you."

"Why?"

"Because she was worried about you, and so am I...this news has to hurt."

Sirius merely smiled, but it conveyed the truth, he was hurting, the pain showed in the lines of his face, it showed in the tenseness of his shoulders and the unyielding grip he had on James' coat. "I love you, James Potter." He said and before they knew it they were kissing again.

Their happiness was brief, as they kissed they were so lost in their act that they almost didn't hear the scream...


	17. Chapter 17

AN: Hi, sorry for the long time between updates! :/ I am a bad author, but I hope you are still liking and reading! The next few chapters will be slightly off canon but not too much I hope. :) Your reviews are my food, they give me the energy to continue, I do try to thank you all but if I have missed you I apologise, I didn't mean to so consider this as an acknowledgement that your views are important to me. :)

_**To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.**____**  
**__**―**____**Federico García Lorca,**____**Blood Wedding and Yerma**_

Sirius was well aware of the awful reality of war, he had been fighting most of his life, whether it was his family or Death Eaters, he fought with a passion and ferocity that was unrivalled. He had seen corpses, he had laid the dead out beneath the sun and watched friends have their lives snuffed out with the ease of a spoken word, but still he shook when the blood spattered his skin, when it ran down his face warm and crimson he still wanted to scream with the pain of it.

They should have known it would happen again, but they had been too relaxed, much too relaxed.

James ran as fast as he could, his feet kicking up a spray of water from the ground as the little cafe went up in flames, bright yellow and orange and red they growled like a lion as they consumed the shop greedily. People, muggles and Witches and Wizards all fled burning and screaming, some fell in the road, others managed to put themselves out, still more were trapped within.

Sirius found his feet and ran after James, but everything was going at an odd slow pace, as if he was stuck in some torturous nightmare where reality was skewed, the air was thick with smoke and ash, it burned his lungs and made breathing painful as his fingers grabbed James' shirt. He pulled him back, preventing him from going into the fire, there was nothing but silence, James' mouth moved but Sirius was unable to hear the words as he fought to hold his friend back from the flames.

Tears and soot stained their faces, people milled around looking lost and confused while Sirius moved forward, his feet taking him through the door of the burning cafe. He could vaguely hear people shouting for him, but he ignored it as he spoke a word and felt as if cool water had encased his body. He stepped into the fire.

James watched as Sirius walked through the flames, wand in hand as the yellow tongues parted and swallowed him whole. His heart was in his throat, he had almost forgotten to use magic, he had almost run into the fires with nothing but the wet clothes on his back.

The cafe had become hell, Sirius choked on the smoke but managed to use a the Bubble Head Charm to give himself a supply of fresh clean air, it wasn't long before James had regained his sense and followed him in. They walked through the cafe, searching for Lily. Lily who had screamed, Lily who had failed to emerge from the deadly fires.

The heat and smoke made it difficult to see anything properly as they moved through the cafe, James moved forward slowly, searching every inch of the floor for any sign of Lily while Sirius searched another area. Sirius had no idea how long he had searched but finally he tripped on something lying on the floor, when he looked down he saw a head of red hair, he gasped and bent down, lifting the unconscious Lily into his arms, she was lighter than he had expected as he kicked a table out of his way and began moving towards a figure in the smoke. He could hear nothing but the flames but as he drew closer he realised that the figure wasn't James, it was far too tall. He swore, the sound of his voice being drowned out by the fire as he began backing off, but the figure turned slowly.

Lord Voldemort stood wreathed in flame, yet the fire did not seem to touch his skin. His pale face was livid in the yellow light and he appeared to not be using any perceivable magic at all. He stood there and looked at Sirius for a long moment before lifting his wand, his face split into a smile.

Before he could speak Sirius struck, it was instinct driving him forward, he had his arms full yet the spell he thought struck Voldemort in the chest, pushing him backwards and into a burning chair. The man's curse was loud, even over the roar of flames. Sirius turned on his heel and ran. The door was feet away as he felt something tangle in his legs, he fell and dropped Lily, with reflexes rivalling those of James' he rolled onto his back and leapt to his feet, his wand rose and he fired yet another relatively ineffective spell before grabbing Lily and fleeing again.

James watched as Sirius booted down the doors, they fell with a crash as he stumbled through them and out into fresh air. In his arms he carried a woman, the charm had disappeared and he fell to his knees coughing violently even as he let Lily fall. He retched and closed his eyes, trying to get in a whole breath to tell him, to warn James...but he couldn't speak, his voice had gone. He lifted a hand and clutched his throat as James ran to Lily's side, he knelt and held her close, burying his face into her hair. The world around them was mute, Sirius was unable to hear a thing as James moved his lips.

Sirius gazed at James with wide eyes, James seemed oblivious. He grabbed him, holding his t-shirt in hands blackened by smoke, he shook him but James merely moved his lips, no sound escaped him. Suddenly a shadow descended on them, the dark figure of a tall man could be seen in the puddles. Sirius felt a jolt of fear as he turned his head slowly, silver eyes gazing up at Voldemort who pointed his wand directly between Sirius' eyes. He gazed at the tip, his mind sluggish and he seemed unable to move. Even though he knew death was imminent he couldn't find it within himself to feel fear, he looked back into that pale face, Voldemort was smiling. Slowly Sirius turned his face back to James who was once again leaning over Lily, he seemed unable to see Lord Voldemort, even though he was stood behind Sirius. He reached out and touched James' face, his friend looked into his eyes and saw a tear roll down his cheek, James' face fell into a frown and his eyes rose to the man stood with his wand at Sirius' head. James said something, shaking his head, still holding Lily close, Voldemort must have replied because James' face became a mask of horror.

As Sirius gazed at his best friend he saw a sudden flash of bright green light before everything was obliterated in darkness...

XXXX

"James, stop! He's gone! There was nothing more you could have done!"

"I-I can't! It's all my fault, Remus! It's all my...Christ!" James collapsed to his knees, the cafe was little more than ashes, the Muggle fire crew had come to put it out. Lily had come out of it alive, covered in soot and unconscious but alive...but they had lost another. "Sirius..." James breathed into his hands.

Remus felt his guts twist in agony, he lowered his head and clenched his hands into fists at his sides. "James I...I'm sorry..." He whispered, almost too softly to hear.

"What for? You weren't even here, Remus." James replied.

"I-..."

"James?"

"Albus!" James jumped to his feet as the great man stepped over to them, the rest of the order and some ministry members were milling around, searching for clues.

"Come with me, Lily is well and is recovering her strength at your friend Peter's house, she is awake and asking for you. Remus, please come too."

The two followed Dumbledore to Peter's house, the door was opened by the timid man, when he opened the door James barged past him and took the stairs two at a time, finally bursting into the only occupied room. Remus followed him at a more sedate pace, he arrived in time to see James embracing his wife, talking into her hair, but it took him a while before he realised James was crying. Guilt sat heavily in Remus' chest, he had wanted to confess what he and Sirius had done, he need to tell someone and he couldn't live with the guilt of knowingly betraying James who loved Sirius just as much, if not more, than he did. But he couldn't bear to place more of a burden onto James' already overburdened shoulders.

"Hush James, please slow down...what happened?" Lily asked in a gentle voice as she pulled away from the clutches of her over-wrought husband.

James shook his head slowly, wiping his eyes under his glasses and smearing soot across his face. Remus could see the crimson that stained his clothing, it spattered his face and hair, he stank of smoke, of fire and blood. "I-It all happened so suddenly..." He rasped. "Sirius and I...w-we were outside in the rain...then we here your scream, when we turn all we see is the cafe in flames. I freaked out, knowing you were in there, but it's Sirius who keeps his head. He protects himself and enters the cafe, I follow but I-I lost him at some point...when I realise I can't find you I leave again to see if you've escaped...but no one was there. Then I see Sirius kicking down the doors and carrying you in his arms, I run to him as he collapses, he fell to his knees and then...I don't know what happened exactly but he grabs me and I look at him...he's c-crying and we look at each other...but before I can so much as blink there's a-a flash and he's...he's gone."

"Gone?" Lily's eyes widened in horror.

"There's no body...no sign that he had even been there." Remus said softly.

"You mean he disappeared? He's not dead?"

"He's gone and I don't know where...but after that everything got so confused. There was blood a-and screams and I see Him. Voldemort. I fought him and beat him off again, we escaped but we still can't find Sirius." James buried his face in his hands, Remus stepped up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"He's still alive."

"How can you know that?"

"I know it. Look inside yourself and you'll know it too." Remus smiled softly. "Padfoot always finds his way back home, remember?"

XXX

"_Gryffindor!" The hat shouted across the great hall, Professor McGonagall removed it from Sirius Black's head who opened his eyes and felt a pure wave of utter relief. Yet there was no applause. All eyes were glued to him as he stood on weak knees, the hall was silent. Of course, a Black wasn't supposed to be put into Gryffindor, a Black belongs in Slytherin...but Sirius had defied it. Like he did every time his mother began a sentence with 'A Black is supposed to...' He had decided that no, he didn't want to be in Slytherin, he chose to be placed in Gryffindor...yet he was unsure why, he wanted to be placed into a different house to his family but was it because he wanted to defy his mother or because he genuinely hated the ancient practices of his dark family? He didn't know so he chose not to think about it. _

_A sudden outburst of clapping made the eleven year old Sirius jump and turn to the line of students still to be sorted, it was the Potter boy he had shared a compartment with on the way to Hogwarts. He wore a huge grin and was clapping and whistling enthusiastically as he jumped on the spot, Sirius felt a grin splitting his face and he waved as suddenly the Gryffindor table burst into applause, but still the only one that really mattered was Potter's..._

_...A Black should never cry. A Black should learn to take his punishment like a man. "But mother...please...I-It's not my fault! I-I didn't mean to..."_

"_Quiet! Bend over."_

"_Father...please..."_

"_Shut up, boy! I will have no more excuses and filthy lies from your mouth. Are you a bloodtraitor? Do you enjoy making your mother angry?"_

"_N-No...I..."_

"_Bend over and take your punishment! You defied this house, you shamed your mother and myself, on your hands and knees, boy!" His father cracked his belt over the chair as Walburga looked on with a stern face, Regulus stood at her side, holding her hand as he watched his brother punished for betraying the family yet again. He was only seven years old, Sirius wasn't still entirely sure what he had done wrong this time, but his mother had screamed at him, hit him around the face with her hand so her large ring had gouged a long cut across his cheek, it was bleeding sluggishly as Sirius began to unbuckle his trousers. The tears began when he looked at the belt in his father's hand, he could tell that he would receive the full thirty lashes for whatever it was he had done, the buckle glinted dangerously in the candle light and as Sirius let go of his trousers and pulled down his pants, he let slip a soft sob-_

_CRACK!_

_Agony erupted in his face, he screamed and covered it with his hands, someone grabbed his hair, yanking his head backwards. "A Black never cries!"_

"_I-I'm s-sorry...I-It hurts..."_

"_No excuses...now, get down on your knees you filthy squib and if I hear so much as a peep from your lips I will increase the lashes, understand?"_

"_Y-Yes...Yes sir..."_

"_Good."_

_... _

"_Hush Sirius...it's alright."_

"_Oncle, it hurts..."_

"_Relax, the pain won't last long."_

_Sirius winced, his Uncle's fingers were gentle as always as they tilted his head back to reveal the massive gash across his cheek. He hissed air through his teeth in sympathy. "Is this from Walburga's ring?"_

_Sirius nodded, fighting his tears. "Yes."_

"_What did you do this time?"_

"_She told me that if I didn't go to this stupid...meeting with the Malfoy's she'd stop me from going to Hogwarts when I'm eleven."_

"_And what did you say to that?" Uncle Alphard got out a small pot of ointment and began gently applying it to the wound. Sirius winced but clenched his teeth together as he fought the tears of pain, he was small and only ten years old, but he was stronger than people thought._

"_I told her she was a mad old bat..."_

_Alphard chuckled as he finished applying the ointment, he picked the boy up in his arms and lifted him into his lap. "You're a cheeky boy, just because something is true, doesn't mean you should speak it out loud. Especially to Walburga, do you understand?"_

"_Yeah..." Sirius sighed and wrapped his arms around his uncle. "Oncle?"_

"_Yes, Sirius?"_

"_Will you put me to bed tonight...I...I've been getting the bad dreams again."_

"_I'll read you a story too, how's that?"_

_Sirius grinned and nodded happily as his uncle lifted him into the air with ease and carried him up to his room, when he pushed open the door he put the boy down on the bed and lay beside him. Sirius was wearing a pair of black cotton pyjama's that were too baggy for him, he smiled and snuggled into his Uncle's warmth. Alphard's hands slid down his back and drew him closer, he leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Sirius, my sweet little puppy, I want to play a little game."_

"_A game?" Sirius opened his eyes, he looked so innocent and sleepy that Alphard's hands shook as he took the boys face in one hand, tilting his head back. He leaned down so their lips were brushing. _

"_Give me one of our special kisses and I will tell you what I want to do."_

_Sirius grinned and pressed his lips to his uncles, he opened his mouth as Alphard's tongue slipped between his lips._

_..._

_He was humiliated. Humiliated and sick with fear. His hands shook as he tried to regain control over his emotions and shore up his courage, but he felt so sick he was forced to run back into the toilet stall. He emptied his stomach into the bowl before gasping and wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. He stifled a desperate sob as he slumped against the wooden stall, his gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, gripping his aching stomach with one hand. "Shit..." He whispered, hitting the back of his head against the wood as he tried to force his body under control. How was he supposed to face his friends? How could he look James in the eye and tell him that he liked him? How could he look at Remus or Peter and speak those horrible words? They would desert him, he was disgusting. His father was right...he was right about everything. "A Black never cries." He whispered to himself, but the memories those words conjured up twisted his stomach and he threw up again._

"_I'm gay!" He ended up shouting it at them in the end. He had shouted it as soon as he had walked in through the dorm door. James looked up from the paper he was reading and blinked at Sirius who was stood with one hand on the door and his eyes squeezed shut, he was pale and his hair was messy, he also stank of alcohol._

"_Sirius, have you been drinking?" Remus asked with a frown of concern as he put down his book gently._

"_Yes but..."_

"_Blimey Mate, it's lunchtime!" James exclaimed, eyes wide._

"_I know but..."_

"_It is excessive Sirius, you don't look well either." Remus stood. "Maybe you should go to Madam Pomfrey."_

"_No, I..."_

"_You really shouldn't drink like that this early, also, why the hell didn't you share?" James muttered angrily._

"_You're not listening!" Sirius gasped, his face was losing colour, he looked as if he was in a lot of pain as he gripped the wall as his knees slowly lost strength. "Just...listen..."_

"_To what?" James blinked innocently._

"_I'm gay! I'm a fucking Homosexual! I like to take it up the arse, you deaf bunch of pricks!" Sirius shouted._

"_We heard you the first time." Remus said, raising an eyebrow. "I admit I have never heard it put so...ineloquently."_

"_You what?" Sirius' eyes slowly began to grow until they looked to be the size of saucers. _

"_We heard you the first time...what did you think our reaction would be, Siri? We're your best mates, we love you no matter what." James grinned and half laughed at Sirius' dumbfounded expression._

_Slowly it dawned on him...they didn't care. They weren't shouting, looking at him like he was shit or even looking disgusted...they accepted him simply for who he was..._

"_Fucking hell!" Sirius muttered weakly. "You guys are just too much..." He began to laugh, bending double as his sides ached. "I love you fucking idiots..."_

...

The room was dark, dark and damp. Sirius hung by his arms, chains bound his body tightly as he turned slowly in the air, his muscles ached horribly and yet all he could see was James' face. When someone came to him, dribbling water into his mouth, he sucked at it greedily. When he tried to ask questions he was slapped, or punched or worse...

"Am I...dead...?"

"Is this hell?"

"Where am I?"

"Who are you people?"

"Why am I here?"

"Please...someone tell me something!"

No one was forthcoming with answers, only pain and brutality greeted him when he spoke, so he stopped. He hung his head, breathing raggedly and picturing those wonderful hazel eyes...


	18. Chapter 18

AN: And so I give you another chapter full of angst! Yay! In seeps the darkness of suspicion and distrust, a little snake in a lions clothing whispers in ears and sews dangerous seeds...

"_**You think I'm a fool?" demanded Harry.**__**  
**__**"No, I think you're like James," said Lupin, "who would have regarded it as the height of dishonour to mistrust his friends."**____**  
**__**―**____**J.K. Rowling,**____**Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows**_

"You're being ridiculous, Remus." James said and waved his hand airily. "I trust everyone in the Order implicitly, no one would betray us, as soon as we begin to distrust each other we will destroy ourselves."

"James, you cannot be serious? Sirius has been missing for three days and you know someone has told the Death Eater's our plans, we have been stopped at every turn!"

"Yes, but who is to say that we're being betrayed? What if Voldemort's just really good at guessing Dumbledore's plans?"

Remus gazed at his friend with wide eyes. "You can't really believe that? No one has the power to guess a plan exactly. Someone is leaking information! They knew where you and Lily would be the night Sirius disappeared, someone knew that I was searching for him in the Muggle bars...I have these wounds to prove it!"

James looked at the bandages and sighed. "Remus, trust is imperative if we're going to survive and find Sirius."

Remus sighed. "Fine...believe what you want, but I will not trust anyone."

"Not even me?" James raised an eyebrow.

"But you're...well, you're you! You'd never betray us."

"How can you be so sure?" He smiled sadly. "Rem, the point is, how can you be sure I'm not the spy? It could be anyone, or it could be no one...we can't just go around accusing our friends and allies randomly, I trust you, I trust Lily, I trust Peter and I trust Sirius. All of you are my best friends, I would never, ever betray that by distrusting any of you."

"I can't do that, James." Remus covered his face in his hands. "Even _I've_ betrayed you..."

"How?" James said with laughter in his voice.

Slowly Remus pulled his hands away and looked James in the eye. "I slept with Sirius." He said hoarsely.

James was quiet for a moment before he shrugged. "You are both entitled to sleep with whoever you wish." He said finally.

"But I..."

"Remus, Sirius is an adult, he can sleep with who he wants, I can't keep him for myself. I have Lily remember? I'm kind of glad in a way, it means that Sirius is capable of moving on and that's a good thing."

Remus's face crumpled in pain. "He was thinking of you...all the time we were having sex I could see it in his eyes, it wasn't me he was seeing."

"I'm sorry." James whispered softly, he put his hand on Remus' leg in a gesture of comfort. "I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault...not really. I just...maybe I got too caught up in it...maybe it meant more to me than it did him...But he was irresistible. I'm so weak."

"We all are when it comes to the ever charming Sirius Black." James smiled. "He's like a lightning strike, when he touches you its electric and you know even as you fall that there is never any going back."

"We'll find him James, I promise." Remus said, smiling softly.

"I know, I trust you."

XXX

Sirius was released from his chains, he fell to the floor with a thump and an agonised groan. He curled into a ball as hands grabbed him and pulled him into a sitting position. He found himself looking up at masked men, they surrounded him and looked at him through holes in the masks. "Where am I? You fucking bastards!" He croaked, his throat dry and raw so speaking was like torture.

"Nowhere." One replied softly as he stepped forward. "We have you here ready for the Dark Lord who needs you for his plans, if you would tell us everything we need to know we will let you go and you can work for us."

"You want me to spy on my friends? Fuck off Malfoy, you know me, I would die rather than betray them."

"No, we do not need a spy, we already have one within your group." Malfoy grinned as he removed his mask to reveal his pointed face. "The Dark Lord is merciful to those who show remorse, if you were to..."

"I said; fuck you."

"Fine. Be like that, but when you die in pain and madness do not blame me, I gave you a chance you do not deserve Black."

They left him after trying to question him on some of Dumbledore's deeper plans, but Sirius knew nothing of them, Albus was a close man who did not divulge such important information easily. When they had gone he lay on the floor and closed his eyes, they had a spy. Someone was informing on the Order...someone was betraying them. The thoughts began to slowly eat away at him, as the dark night persisted he lay on the cold wooden floor of his prison and tried to fight off the soft whispers of that deadly foe called doubt. He thought of each member of the Order, picturing their faces, James he dismissed immediately, he knew James as well as he knew himself, he would trust him until the end of time.

Paranoia began to worm it's way into his mind, he tried to fight it, but it was impossible. Who was the spy? Who was feeding the enemy vital information? He doubted it was Lily, who as close to James as he was and Muggle-born to boot. It had to be someone with deep inside information, not someone on the outskirts. His mind drifted to a small round face with mousy hair and rat-like teeth...

His hackles rose as Peter's face swam before his eyes, he opened them and looked up at the low ceiling, a frown creasing his brow. "Peter?" He croaked into the darkness. Then he shook his head. "No...you're too weak. You're too pathetic to betray us." It had to be someone with confidence, someone who could easily hide their betrayal behind a mask. It was probably someone who had been on some dangerous missions, perhaps someone working too closely with one of Voldemorts cronies. He felt uneasy, he shifted on the hard floor and chewed his lip, which had split from his abuse. With a sigh he pushed hands into his hair and closed his eyes.

Had anyone been acting strangely recently? Who had the connections needed to pull it off? Who had the guts? Who would be in the best position?

The questions plagued him, making his head spin as he tortured himself with his own imagination. He kept running through a list of suspects in his mind, but they all seemed so unlikely. The only true possibility for a spy that he could think of was himself, he had deep connections to the Death Eater's, he was powerful and very talented, he was Pureblood with the accompanying arrogance and he would have the guts. But of course if it was him he would have known...or so he hoped.

His list went like this;

Dorcas Meadowes,

Mundungus Fletcher (Unlikely)

Marlene McKinnon (Unlikely)

Edgar Bones

Himself and...

He opened his eyes at the same time that the door opened, the light spilled into the room but he only had eyes for the ceiling. "No..." He whispered into the darkness as he saw a face in his mind's eye. "It can't be..."

"Get up. Take your wand."

Sirius blinked away his moment of terrible realisation and found himself looking into a masked face, he frowned as the figure grabbed him and yanked him roughly to his feet. "What...?"

"Sh! Take your wand and get out of here, Black. There are things going on that are much too big for your tiny little brain to contemplate, now take your wand and go!"

Sirius took his wand from the Death Eater, he gazed at him suspiciously. "Is this some kind of trap?"

"No."

"Then why...?"

"No time. Leave!"

He was pushed out the door and found himself in a tunnel, he followed it slowly, cautiously peering around corners as he reached them. As he went he contemplated the voice, he had recognised it, how couldn't he when he had heard it since school? "Why did you help me, Snape?" he whispered to himself as he spotted a door ahead of him, there were no guards so he checked behind himself and transformed into a dog...

XXX

Remus sat on the roof of Peter's house, swinging his legs back and forth. Foot steps behind him made him turn, he smiled as James sat at his side and handed him a cup of tea. "Thought you'd be cold." He said.

Remus held the tea in both hands as he watched the sun set against the city-scape. "Any sign?" He asked.

"None." James lowered his head sadly. "We've looked everywhere..."

"He'll come back, I'm sure of it James."

"I wish I had your confidence, Remus, but you know we've lost so many..."

"He's fine." Remus sipped at the hot beverage and sighed. "We just have to wait..." He looked down into the street and smiled. "And Padfoot will come back to us, he always does."

James followed his gaze and leapt up with a cry of excitement, he leapt off the roof and fell slowly to the floor with a whoop as the large black dog ran up the street. Sirius turned mid-run and the two men collided, Sirius grabbed James tightly, burying his face into James' neck and smiling. "Jamie." He whispered hoarsely.

"You bastard! Where have you been? I've been so worried."

"They captured me...but...they let me go." Sirius pulled away as Remus walked up beside James, they looked at each other for a long time. "I have to speak to Dumbledore..." Sirius turned away from Remus without a word, his eyes full of darkness as he turned to James.

"He's inside, we've searched everywhere for you! How did you survive? Why didn't they kill you?" Remus asked, his face falling into a frown. Sirius was acting strangely, his eyes were hectic, he was buzzing with energy and he had an air of suspicion and wariness that he had never had before.

"They let me go." He said curtly, suddenly turning cold and distant, James raised an eyebrow at the exchange but said nothing as Sirius walked past him. The house was busy as Sirius stepped inside, when they spotted him the room fell silent. Albus stood in the centre and as Sirius scanned faces he could see the distrust in their eyes, it looked as if they had come to the same conclusion as he had. "Albus, we have a spy in our midst."

"Sirius, what makes you think that?"

"The obvious!" Sirius continued firmly. "Someone here is handing information to Voldemort!"

"But we do not know who it is, until we do there is little we can do. Do not fear dear boy we will be sure to stop any vital information from leaking."

Sirius looked up as people began speaking quietly to each other, they still kept shooting him strange suspicious looks. All except Peter who watched him curiously, he walked over and sat down beside his school friend. "What's up with everyone, Pete?"

"Nervous, what with all this talk of spies." Peter replied, eyes darting around the room rapidly as if to prove his point. "All our plans have been thwarted by the Death Eaters...we don't know who it is..." Peter glanced over at Remus. "But I have my suspicions."

Sirius followed his gaze, Remus stood in the corner talking to Hagrid and sipping a glass of water. Sirius frowned, licking his lips slowly. "Are you saying...?"

"Well, I don't want to sound as if I'm accusing but...well, he's been acting strangely you know? And not just at full moons. He's become very close to this Werewolf Clan he's supposed to be spying on, they don't attack him anymore and his changes have become easier...isn't that odd?" Peter gave Sirius a sideways glance, he noticed how still Sirius had become, as still as a hunting animal, his eyes glittered beneath his long dark lashes. Remus sensed his intense gaze and turned towards him, the smile dying rapidly on his lips as their eyes met across the room. No one noticed Peter's soft smile as he stood and walked away, leaving the two friends to feed on each other's doubts and insecurities.

The house was quiet when Sirius returned, he stepped in through the door and immediately removed his t-shirt, dropping it unceremoniously upon the floor. He sighed as he went to his bathroom, shedding clothes as he went and turned on the shower, the room steamed up rapidly and as he stepped beneath the stream of hot water he sighed and tipped his head back. He heard the door open even over the noise of the shower, he closed his eyes and ran fingers through his hair slowly. He wanted to trust him, he really did, but the seed had been planted and he could feel its roots taking hold on his heart, it was no good...he could no longer trust Remus Lupin.

XXX

The road sailed beneath him like a great grey black river, Sirius revelled in the sense of freedom his bike gave him. His leather clad hands tightened on the throttle and the engine roared, he gave a sharp bark of laughter as he flew forward, jumping into a higher gear as the engine throbbed through his body. When he pulled up to James and Lily's house he cut the engine and put both feet on the ground, with fluid movements he reached into his pocket and withdrew a pack of battered cigarettes, he took one out and lit it just as the door opened and James appeared shrugging on an old leather jacket. The cold air stung his face and turned his cheeks pink as he grinned at Sirius happily.

"Potter, how's things?" Sirius said with a smile that didn't quiet hide the bags beneath his eyes and the exhaustion etched into his face.

"I have news, Black, let's go for a drink."

"Okay." Sirius crushed his half smoked cigarette out beneath his heavy boot as James swung a leg over the bike and settled behind him, the feel of James' hand on him made him smile softly before he revved the engine and they set off down the street.

The bar was smoky as they entered and found some seats a little way away from the muggles who crowded the place, it stank of booze and cigarettes but it was warm and relatively private. When they had got their drinks, Sirius leaned forward. "Well?"

"Well what?" James replied in a teasing tone.

"What's the news?"

James grinned from ear to ear, his smile so large Sirius briefly worried it would split his head in half. "We're pregnant." He said with barely contained excitement.

Sirius felt as if he was a balloon with a puncture, he deflated rapidly and slowly sipped his drink simply for something to delay his misery. "That's...wonderful..." He finally croaked.

"You don't sound excited." James replied. "What's up?"

"Nothing at all." Sirius forced his smile and straightened. "Congratulations, James."

"Thanks, it means a lot." James smiled. "Shall we drink to my baby?"

"Sure." Sirius did drink, he drank heavily. By the time they left the bar he was leaning on James who was forced to put protective charms on his bike and Apparate Sirius back to his house. Remus answered the door to find James supporting an extremely drunk Sirius, he inched him into the house and Remus helped him to the living room. Sirius collapsed onto the sofa and fell unconscious, Remus sighed heavily. "How much did you let him drink?"

"We were celebrating!" James said excitedly.

"I know, Lily told me. Congratulations, James, I'm truly happy for you."

"Thanks, Rem, that means a lot. Will you be alright with him?"

Remus looked at Sirius coldly, his eyes dark and suspicious. "I suppose so, you should get back to Lily."

James frowned. "Are you and Siri alright? You've been...odd with each other since he returned."

Remus chewed his lip. "I...Don't you think it's suspicious?" he blurted suddenly.

"What is?"

"That the Death Eaters just let him go like that, he's a known bloodtraitor, why would they let him go unharmed?"

"He was pretty beat up...are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"He is the only person I know who could possibly be the spy, James." Remus' voice dropped to a whisper. "He's got family in the Death Eaters, he's not like us or the others in the Order...he's so much darker! His past is disturbed, he is practically insane himself...it makes sense."

"No it doesn't." James shook his head. "Maybe I'll stay with him, so you two don't end up killing each other. Look, let it go, Remus, before it destroys us."

Remus fell silent, closing his mouth on his retort, but James saw his jaw tense beneath his skin and saw that he was grinding his teeth. With a sigh and a shake of his head he turned to Sirius who was sprawled on the sofa, his dark hair partially obscuring his face which was slack and his chest rose and fell regularly. He bent down and brushed hair from his cheek with a smile so soft and full of tenderness that Remus walked away. "Look at you...how much sleep have you been getting Pads?" he whispered to his sleeping friend who stirred feebly and moaned his name, the sound sent a shockwave of intense desire ripping through his body, he pushed it aside and stood to get Sirius a blanket.

When he returned he saw Sirius watching him from beneath lashes as dark as pitch, his silver eyes glittered enticingly and he couldn't resist. He dropped to his knees and pressed his lips to his friends, feeling him smile into it. "Siri, how have you been sleeping?" He muttered as he pulled away.

Sirius continued to smile but it became strained. "Not good, mate. It's...it's this war...it's...everything...Christ I'm so tired all the time! I ache and I feel like an old man...it's simply not right."

"No, it's not healthy either. Come on, come to bed..."

"Will you be there with me?" He asked slyly, his smile becoming playful and seductive. The expression wiped the cares from his face, making his eyes glitter beautifully and he could have been at Hogwarts again.

However, James paused. "I have a baby on the way Siri...I'm going to be a Dad...a father...I-I..."

"Oh." His face fell into one of blank wariness. "Ok." He stood and stumbled slightly, James reached out automatically and caught him. "Shouldn't you be leaving? You have your little red head to return to, she'll be waiting."

"I...Sirius...I..." James gazed into those silver eyes and lost himself, it was so easy to do and became easier each time. He drew Sirius close, wrapping his arms around him firmly as he kissed him. "This is so wrong, Siri. It's so wrong I'm hurting her...I'm destroying my family before it's even begun..."

"Then don't think about it." Sirius whispered, pushing fingers into his hair. "Don't think about her, not while I'm in your arms. Kiss me, Jamie."

And he did. And it was beautiful, it was pure and perfect and he relaxed as all thoughts of Lily was wiped from his mind, he even forgot for a while that he had a child on the way...

Remus was in his bedroom when he heard Sirius moan, he closed his eyes and stood letting his book fall from his numb fingers. "I'm sorry...I can't." He whispered to no one. With a wave of his wand he emptied the room, his clothes folding themselves neatly into his trunk, his books, his precious little odds and ends all fit themselves easily into his magically enlarged trunk. He lifted it using magic and left the house, it was easier than he had thought it would be. He only looked back once before walking away, he never thought about where his feet took him but he eventually found himself outside James and Lily's house. The night was quiet as he rapped on the door, it was a minute before it was opened.

"Remus! This is unexpected..." Lily's green eyes found the trunk lying at Remus' feet and she sighed. "Come in."

"Thank you." He stepped into the house and the door closed behind him.

When Lily handed him a cup of tea and sat at his side she gave him a look that told him she knew he had to talk, he smiled slightly and looked into his tea. "I left." He said finally.

"I noticed...what did Sirius say?"

Remus laughed bitterly. "He was much too busy to even notice, not that it's any different than usual. He's busy wrapping himself around your husband." An uncharacteristic darkness entered his eyes as he glared into his drink, he could feel Lily tensing at his side.

"He's with...James?"

"Last I heard he was moaning his name...sounded very much like a blow job to me." Remus spat furiously. "We're losing this war and all he can think about is his cock? He's losing it, Lily. He's not the same man he was."

"What about James?" Lily's voice was tight and slightly shaky. "Are you sure that was what they were doing?"

"Very, being what I am I have an excellent sense of hearing." He sipped his tea slowly. "I'm sorry...you shouldn't have found out like this but I...I couldn't stand the thought of you not knowing."

Lily put down her tea, her hand shaking violently. "I-I...I..." When Remus looked at her, her eyes were full of tears which spilled down her cheeks, he put his tea on the table and pulled her close. "We have a baby coming...A little child...how can we bring him up like this?"

Remus said nothing as she cried into his shoulder, he closed his eyes and sighed. "Sirius Black is not a friend, Lily." He whispered.

Lily didn't seem to hear him as she sobbed, her hair tickling his neck and the hot tears spilt down and soaked his robes. "J-James..." She whispered.


	19. Chapter 19

AN: Someone wanted me to show how powerful my Sirius is, well here he is. (Well, he is powerful in canon, being pureblood and all that jazz, his weakness is that he's fucking mental, lol.) Hope you enjoy, I wrote this as quickly as I could to sate your appetite (And mine) for the next instalment. :) Hope you enjoy and would love to hear your thoughts on this, thanks.

_**"But thoughts they change and times they rearrange, I don't know who you are anymore..."**_

"I can't keep up with you!" Remus said, his voice snapping off the ceiling and becoming a mockery of itself. The room was empty except himself and Sirius who was leaning against the wall. "You go from one thing to another, jumping around like some kind of-of mad Billywig! You're impossible!"

"I'll take that as a compliment. All I wanted to tell you was that you left these at my place, Lupin." He threw some books at him so they skidded across the table between them, Remus gazed at them, they were two Sirius had got him for his thirteenth birthday. He ran a finger down the spine of '1001 ways to charm a witch' and 'Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde'. "I gave them to you, they're yours." Sirius folded his arms across his chest and looked at him through cold eyes, they were like daggers of ice and silver and hurt more than a knife in his chest. He clenched his hand into a tight fist and withdrew his hand.

"I left them for a reason, Black. Take them." He said in a tight voice. "Burn them for all I care." Without another glance he spun on his heel and walked away, Sirius watched him go, his face softening briefly.

As Remus walked he remembered what had begun they're brief argument, Sirius had found him after a meeting where Dumbledore had informed them all of yet another string of deaths. He had dumped the books onto the table, he had seemed friendly enough but with the rapidity of a storm at sea he turned, he became cold and distant, his body language conveying nothing but distrust and perhaps even hatred. Many of the Order members had spoken to him about how volatile Sirius had become, not trusting anyone except James, Lily and Peter, he turned on everyone else, snapping, being unnecessarily cruel and treating everyone with disdain. People's suspicions began to rise, they began seeing Sirius in a whole new light and that light was evil.

The wind was cold, it was December and the skies were grey above their heads. Sirius tucked his frozen hands beneath his arm pits and stamped his feet as he shivered, he looked down a hill towards a silent graveyard where tall monuments stood in long lines, a little Norman Church stood to his left, its bell tower ringing out the bells of a wedding, muggles began to pour out into the cold winter air laughing and chattering happily as they formed two lines on either side of the door and the couple began walking down it arm in arm, their smiles were broad and the woman gazed up at her husband with adoring eyes.

"Lily has kicked me out." James whispered, eyes never leaving the couple below him, he kicked absently at a stone so it rolled down the hill.

"And?" Sirius replied.

"And...I have nowhere else to go, can I stay with you?"

"That won't help, Jamie...you know I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off of you."

James looked at him sideways. "Or is it because you haven't paid your elec..." He frowned. "Electric-whatever bill?"

"Electricity bill? How did you know?"

"I just do. Also, you're not eating properly, I can see it in your face, you're practically a skeleton. And those bags under your eyes, no amount of muggle make up is going to disguise them."

"Ah, you know me far too well, Prongsy old friend." Sirius whispered, smiling to himself and tipping his head back as the first few flakes of snow fell from the sky and began melting on his cheeks like tears. "It's too much." He sighed. "You know I haven't been invited to a meeting for well over a month now? If you start staying with me you'll be accused of being a traitor too..." He sounded as bitter as he felt.

"No one thinks that, Siri."

"Don't lie to me, you're bad at it. I know what they say behind my back..." He opened those grey eyes, they were as dark as the cloudy sky and his words left him in little puffs of white. The bells added music to the air, chiming for love, for beauty for everything good and Sirius pointed his wand at them, there was a loud crack and a loud shout of shock as the bell shattered. "There...now we have some peace." He chuckled softly, his laughter devoid of humour as people below them ran around in a panic. "Blame the most obvious person, blame the one with the black name...blame the one with the connections to the Dark...It's an obvious conclusion, wrong, but I can't say that I blame them. To be honest even I had my doubts about my own involvement for a while."

"Sirius...please stop talking like this." James said quietly, he looked afraid as he took Sirius by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "I hate this new you, he's not the boy I decided to befriend, he's not the one I fell in love with...what have you done to Sirius Black?"

"He died, Jamie." He whispered softly, his fingers tracing James' jaw. "He died each time he was forced to watch as friends fell, he died each time he lost another ally. I-I...I'm broken...I'm broken and nothing can fix me..."

"I can." James grabbed his face and kissed him hard on the lips, they stumbled backwards until Sirius' back hit a Rowan tree. "I will fix you Siri, I love you. I love you."

"Stop..."

"I love you...I love you...I love you..." James punctuated each declaration with a slow, passionate kiss, ignoring Sirius' feeble attempts to push him off. "I love you, Sirius Black."

"No...no please...stop...you stupid...fool..."

"I...Love...you..."

"Oh fuck! I love you too...so...so much...Don't leave me..." Sirius' voice broke as James began kissing his throat, slowly untying the scarf from around him. "Don't ever leave me, Jamie. Kill me before you do..." he closed his eyes and sighed softly, the sound appearing as white steam. The snow came down, spattering them both with little white flakes and settling in their hair, Sirius felt James sliding down his trousers and smiled weakly. "In a graveyard? Bit disrespectful, isn't it?" He felt James giggle.

"Why should they care? They're dead, Sirius."

"Hmm...true..." Sirius let himself be turned around where he found a low stone platform, James pushed him against it, sliding his fingers inside him. Sirius whispered his name softly as he lowered his head and sank himself into sensation, when he was with James he was able to truly be himself without having to worry, with James he could love as freely and fiercely as he wanted...because together they were whole.

Sirius clawed at the stone, a low moan escaping him that came out resembling a growl. He lowered his head, dislodging snow and shuddering violently as James moved inside him. He was hot, so wonderfully hot that he forgot they were in a graveyard, surrounded by the dead. He felt only James, because their world had condensed to contain only them.

Suddenly James turned Sirius over, slamming his back into the stone and pushing himself inside again. His pace became frantic as he moved his hips, feeling Sirius' erection against his stomach as his jumper rode up. He leaned down and captured Sirius' lip with his own, swallowing his moans as Sirius grabbed handfuls of his hair and pulled. Their Orgasms hit them so suddenly it left them breathless, Sirius tensed, his fingers shaking as he held onto James to attempt to anchor himself in reality as he cried out his passion to the sky. James had no choice but to follow, he let himself fall forward and buried his face into Sirius' sweaty hair, muttering his name over and over as he climaxed.

When they had both recovered Sirius chuckled, the sound vibrating through his chest and into James who grinned happily. "We did it in a graveyard!" He giggled, entwining their fingers as he pushed himself up and looked down into Sirius' face, he was flushed with passion and cold, his cheeks pink and it created a pretty and interesting contrast to the rest of his pale skin. "God you're so bloody gorgeous..."

"I know, unfortunately, you lack my erm...Aristocratic appeal, unlike my dear Great Aunt..."

"Oi, leave my mother out of this! She's at rest and doesn't need you to draw her attention to this..."

Sirius grinned mischievously. "Of course your mother was rather old for me, but we did share a rather...regal beauty that you seem not have inherited..."

"I don't want anything handed down from a Black." James smirked as Sirius leaned up and bit down on his lower lip.

"Oh really, not even me?" He growled softly, smiling to reveal his sharp teeth.

"Always you..." James replied and kissed him hard on the mouth, when he opened his lips to accept James' tongue they moaned softly at the contact immersing themselves in each other's warmth.

They walked down the hill hand in hand as the wind gusted around them, it was cold but they couldn't feel it as they forgot about their troubles. They spoke of the past, a past Sirius had thought he had forgotten, but as they spoke it slowly began to return to him. All the laughter, all the warmth of friendship and love and childish joy, all the comfort of being surrounded by people he loved and trusted with his whole being. He leaned his head on James as he smiled happily to himself, that was until they saw the figures lumbering towards them from the mists that had descended.

XXX

It was dark in the house, the ancient floor boards creaked ominously beneath his feet as he walked down the hall. Old mouldering wall paper hung limply and broken lamps dangled from the plaster, it was ancient and crumbling, yet Peter forced his feet to move even though his instincts were telling him to run. He saw light ahead, an odd flickering light that indicated a fire. He moved towards it, trying and failing to be quiet. When he reached the door he heard a voice from within, it was high and cold.

"...do you think that they will not work out this ridiculous plan of yours Mulciber? You fool, Dumbledore is my enemy but I have never denied his intelligence. Now, remove yourself from my sight before I make you regret ever opening that foul mouth of yours."

"O-Of course m-my Lord...I'm s-sorry..."

There was the creak as someone walked to door rapidly, it was opened and Peter jumped backwards with a squeak.

"Ah, if it is not our little spy. Welcome, Wormtail, enter."

Peter scurried into the room, he saw the tall, black clad figure of Lord Voldemort stood beside the fireplace with his back to the room. "M-My Lord..." He bowed low.

"What news?" Voldemort turned his unnaturally pale face to his visitor.

"I-I made sure that they all suspect Black s-sir...No one s-supects me..."

"Are you certain?"

"I am."

"Excellent. What plans do the Order have?"

"Dumbledore intends t-to send a group of u-us to g-guard the Minister. They will make it nearly impossible to g-get near her..."

"This is bad news, what else?"

"B-Black a-and Potter have been sent to St. Mary's church i-in Horham...S-Suffolk."

"I see, and what do they intend to do there?"

"The Muggle head o-of defence's daughter i-is getting married there..."

"Ah, I see...so Dumbledore suspects that I am going to attack them." Voldemort fell silent for a moment before sighing. "I was not going to, it is too early to alert Muggle's to my presence, for now...however, if Potter is there I may send in some of my minions. Wormtail?"

"Y-Yes sir?"

"How would you like to watch your friend torn apart by my Infiri?"

"I-I...I...Whatever you y-you wish, My Lord."

"Go. I want a witness, make sure Potter is killed."

"A-And what o-of Black?"

"Black? The Bloodtraitor? I was going to save him for Bella, she has been so excited about murdering him for me..." Slowly Voldemort turned those crimson eyes onto Peter who almost quailed. "Why...anyone would think that you desired him for yourself?"

Peter felt heat rush to his cheeks, he looked down at his feet, twisting his hands into his robes. "I-I..."

"Very well, when Potter is dead you may do as you wish with Black."

"R-Really?" Wormtail looked up with wide blue eyes.

"Lord Voldemort does not lie, Wormtail."

As he stood in the shadow of a the church and watched James take Sirius on top of a flat stone grave he smiled, he had Sirius once, and only once, yet it had been the best moment of his life. Sirius was beautiful, his skin alabaster, his hair black silk and his eyes as sharp as daggers and Peter had lusted after him since he had seen him and James fucking in the dorm one night after forgetting to close their curtains and put up the silencing charms, he had never been so hard and had cum almost as soon as he had wrapped on sweaty palm around his aching member. James could make Sirius make noises that haunted Peter's sleep, he would wake in a sweat, his head full of that wonderful voice crying out with passion. Yes, he worshipped James, James who had everything, James who was confident, laughed so easily, was talented at Quidditch and Transfiguration, but it had always been Sirius who he had invented warped fantasies for. Every movement of Sirius' was pure elegance, he was aristocratic, a man built to be painted and sealed forever on canvas. He had the grace of a cat and the ferocity of the lion, but he was clever, quick witted and cunning as the snake of his family's house. Peter had at first been content with simply watching, catching glimpses of Sirius and James together, he had followed them in the hopes that he could catch them in a moment of passion, and he had many times, but since that day James had allowed him access to his deepest desire he had wanted more...craved it like a starving man craved bread. And now Voldemort would grant him his wish, if he could kill James he would have Sirius all to himself, he could put him under the imperious curse perhaps and use him whenever he wanted, or even better force him to drink a powerful love potion to enslave him forever.

With these dark thoughts in his head he watched Sirius and James cum together, kissing each other hungrily, Peter admitted that they looked good together, but James was a hindrance, as long as he was around Peter never stood a chance with Sirius. However, if James died, Sirius would be driven mad with grief, he would lose himself and that was when Peter could strike. He watched, feeling a dull pang of jealousy as Sirius smiled tenderly at James and they held hands, walking down the hill. It was now or never. He summoned the dead.

XXX

The figures stumbled through the mists, James and Sirius both went for their wands at the same moment. They searched the area and realised they were surrounded. "What are they...?" Sirius hissed as they automatically stood back to back, eyes darting back and forth as the creatures approached. "They're..."

"Infiri!" James gasped, eyes widening as fear ignited his veins. "We have to get out of here..."

"Shit..." Sirius muttered, he searched desperately for an escape route but found none.

The stumbling figures finally emerged, they were revealed in all their grisly details. Half of them were rotted, faces slopping away, eyeless and cold. As cold as the grave. The stench of them made Sirius gag, he covered his nose but it didn't help, James grabbed him, their hands entwined. "If we die, Siri, we die together." He whispered.

"Yeah...together."

"Always." James lifted his wand higher.

They fired a few spells, Sirius' spell hit one of them, making it stumble but as it rose again all he could see was a giant gash in its flesh. He could feel death breathing down his neck and suddenly, just as those cold, dead fingers closed around his wrist he shivered and a grin split his face. "What is it Dumbledore's always telling us?" He shouted. "What do they fear most?"

"No idea!" James shouted back furiously fighting off the dead.

"FIRE!" Sirius laughed as white hot flames shot from the end of his wand, one of the corpses caught with a sickening whoosh, like dry kindling it burnt. Others backed off, rapidly moving away from the source of heat and light that surrounded the two Wizards. Sirius whooped in delight.

"Nice one!" James said with a nervous laugh, his hands shook. "That was a bit close though..."

The fire roared above them as they ran, it circled them, encasing them both in a ring of white and gold flame. Sirius almost didn't stop in time, they nearly ran straight into a line of masked, cloaked figures. With cat-like reflexes he grabbed the back of James' t-shirt and yanked him backwards, James stumbled just as a spell whooshed towards them, the flames went out leaving nothing behind but blackened grasses.

They were surrounded. Infiri behind them and Death Eaters before them. Trapped.

"Bollocks! And that was some cool magic!" Sirius growled, lifting his wand.

James frowned. "Damnit."

"How did you know we were here? Our mission was top secret!" Sirius shouted, his frown dark and imposing as magic crackled around him.

"We have our ways. Get them, kill Potter but Black is to be kept alive!"

James raised an eyebrow and cocked his head towards Sirius. "Looks like someone is popular."

"Indeed, sorry boys but I don't fuck ugly people." Sirius grinned, his eyes glittered in his face making him look half insane. "Come and get me mother fuckers!" With a singularly insane bark of laughter he tore off, drawing away a good portion of Death Eaters and Infiri. He leapt graves, spinning on his feet every now and again to fire off a spell at one of his pursuers. All the while he grinned, he rarely felt as alive as he did when he was being hunted or in the midst of battle. He vaulted a low stone monument and turned to the door of the church, with a flick of his wrist the doors burst open and he fled inside. "I am liking the irony." He muttered to himself, licking his lips as his eyes scanned the battle grounds. With a wave of his wand the pews lifted off the floor and floated to the opposite walls, leaving a long clear space between.

The Death Eaters found Sirius standing at the pulpit, leaning on one hand and smiling as he tapped his wand against the Lectern. "Took your bloody time." He muttered casually, with a sharp flick one of the death eaters sent a stunning spell his way, he deflected it with a yawn. "Oh come on, you can do better than that surely? Or has Voldemort sent a bunch of cowards to capture me?" He laughed as another spell made the stone by his feet crack, little pieces flew into the air and bounced harmlessly off his jacket. He stepped backwards a few paces so he was stood in a clear area, he stretched his arms out and a strange shimmer ran up his body, his smile was almost evil as the magical energies whipped his hair around his face. "Now, I hope I can give you a demonstration as to what real magic is, my friends. Now watch and stand in awe of what an ancient pureblood can do." His eyes closed and his face fell into a small frown, he began chanting rapidly under his breath as his enemies closed in, the air crackled, the stone melted beneath his feet and shattered as if a great weight were crushing it. When his eyes opened many Death Eaters stopped dead in their tracks, they froze as he raised his wand...

James fired a curse, dodged another and dived beneath the shadow of a war monument. He sat there panting and wiped a trickle of blood from his face, he hoped Sirius had escaped unharmed...until he felt the earth shudder beneath him. He whipped his head around and gazed in wide eyed amazement as the church rumbled, the very foundations cracked, an awful, splintering screech rent the air as smoke and dust blotted out the sky.

There was a low hum of magical energy as it exploded outwards, James was blown off his feet as he felt scolding wind rush over him. He gasped in a lungful of heated air and choked slightly, when he next opened his eyes he was gazing at devastation. The church had gone. Only one wall remained and the tower where the cracked bell sat forlornly. Sirius stood on the low dais where the vicar usually stood to do his sermons. James gaped stupidly at him as he saw Death Eaters lying in the dust, blood seeped from beneath stone and as Sirius turned to him a little trickled down the side of his face as he smiled and giggled. "Got em." He croaked and collapsed.


	20. Chapter 20

AN: Another chapter, contains scenes some may find disturbing, read with care as I do delve into a very real problem in today's society (Date Rape). Ok, this one is Angsty again, and I am loving how creepy Peter is getting, lol. Its horrid and makes me shudder but I kind of like it. Thank you to those who reviewed my last chapter, I hope no one is getting bored with it... :( I am enjoying writing it so I shall carry on but I also would like any opinions so long as criticism is constructive, Trolls are boring, lol.

_**It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you."**____**  
**_

"Lily I..."

"No, James. I'm tired of it, no more excuses." Lily put her hand over the bump beneath her blouse, her stomach had grown over the last month and was now poking through her clothes. "I keep trusting you, yet each time you fall back into his arms...I can't...I can't do it anymore!"

"Lily...I'm sorry! Please, just give me another chance! I-I'll change I..."

"_Change_? Spare me your lies, James Potter! You are so obsessed with Sirius that you hardly even come home to me anymore, and when you do I am forced to wash your soiled clothes! How is this fair? You can have a lover on the side while your wife, pregnant with _your_ child, is forced to sleep alone? You selfish, useless bastard!" She threw a pillow at him which he deflected lazily with his wand.

"Lily..."

"GET OUT!" She screamed, throwing anything she could get her hands on at him, he backed off slightly, ducking flying ornaments and wincing as they smashed against the walls. "Get _out_ you cheating prick!" Her sobs filled the living room and broke his heart, when she fell to her knees and began sobbing into her hands he knelt at her side and pulled her roughly into an embrace. He closed his eyes and stroked her hair, even when she tried to push him off.

"I'm so sorry...I'm so...so sorry, Lily." He whispered gently.

"S-Stop...P-Please...please stop hurting me!"

James held her tighter, wrapping her firmly in his embrace as he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. "I...I can't." He whispered.

Lily let out a desperate sob, her hands gripping her stomach protectively. "You bastard...y-you stupid...useless..."

"I know...I know Lily..."

XXX

"Wow...what the hell happened to you?" Sirius asked, his eyes lingering on the scratches down James' cheek, he was pale and his cheeks flushed slightly. "Did you get in a fight with a cat?" Sirius laughed, but was cut off as he was slammed roughly into the wall, James had his arm at his throat, choking him. He scrabbled at the obstruction and winced, baring his teeth in a feral snarl...and James kissed him. His hands were grabbed in one hand and pinned to the wall, James pressed his forehead against him and closed his eyes, he was frowning.

"She hates me Siri." He croaked. "Lily hates me and it's all your fucking fault! Undo it! Make me better...I-I'm hurting her...but I can't fucking leave you!" His eyes opened and he gazed into confused grey, he wrapped a hand around Sirius' throat and threw him to the floor where he knelt above him, when Sirius tried to move James slammed his fist into the carpet beside his head. "Do something to make me leave you Sirius! Hurt me! Break this bond...I have a son on the way...we can't keep doing this...It's not fair."

Sirius was silent for too long, James leaned down and captured his mouth, their tongues tangled and when he pulled away he bit down on his lower lip, drawing blood and a soft whine from his partner trapped on the floor. "James..." Sirius grabbed him, pulling him down so he could whisper in his ear. "You'll never truly love her." He began slowly, his voice low and measured. "Because I will always, always reside in your heart...You have me inside you." He put his free hand over James' heart and felt it beat rapidly beneath his palm. "Always, Jamie. We're one...apart we're alone, we're not whole...together we're fucking _perfect_."

"Sirius...You git. I hate you." James muttered, kissing Sirius roughly. When he drew away Sirius was grinning evilly.

"I know."

James grabbed him roughly, drawing blood as they kissed, teeth, tongues and lips. They were tangled as James ripped open Sirius' shirt and began biting his way down his chest, Sirius tipped his head back and smiled at the ceiling.

It was so wrong but James knew it was right, he never believed in soul mates but now, as he gazed down into Sirius' eyes, he realised that that was exactly what they were. They had been born for each other, that thought made him want to cry, he knew they couldn't be together, but no matter how many times he tried to pull away he was always dragged back. Sirius had a hold on him, he was stuck and there was no escape, he was drowning and it was the most exquisite feeling in the universe.

"James." Sirius whispered, gently running his fingers through his hair and smiling softly.

Abruptly James stood, he backed away. Sirius frowned as he sat up and climbed to his feet. "No." He muttered, hazel eyes wide as he looked at Sirius through his golden rimmed spectacles. "No...enough...I can't do this to my baby."

"James what...?" When Sirius tried to reach for him he slapped his hand away furiously.

"I have a son on the way Sirius. A little baby boy...can you imagine it? A little version of me, I'm bringing life into the world! It's amazing! I helped create life! When he's born I'll have responsibilities, I'll have to change nappies, feed him, bathe him...I'll have to grow up."

Slowly Sirius licked his lips. "So...you're breaking it off with me again?" he said softly, he folded his arms across his chest and leaned on the wall, his hair was a tangled mess about his face and he looked stunning. "Try it. Walk away, Jamie. Walk away and never come back...leave me like you want to."

There was silence for a long time, James tried to move his feet, he looked at the door that was still open, but he couldn't.

"Can't, can you?" Sirius said. "You can't leave me, James...all this resistance is just show. You feel guilty for what we're doing but when it comes right down to it you know what you really want." He slipped his shirt off and dropped it to the floor. "You know, deep down, that marrying her was a mistake."

"Shut up! You don't know..."

"I know you James, I know you as well as I know myself." He dropped his jeans next and moved to the door, leaning on it casually. "You're welcome to go back to her...the doors right there."

"Sirius...stop..."

"I'm not doing anything."James raked Sirius' body with his eyes and felt that dark, intense desire he always did when he was around his friend. Sirius' body, although scarred, was beautiful, his skin as soft as rose petals and as pale as milk. His muscles were beautifully toned and he had a way of holding himself that was pure seduction, In comparison James was skinny and his long limbs seemed oddly out of proportion with the rest of his body...when he was around Sirius he felt ugly, yet when Sirius looked at him he could almost see himself through his eyes and it made him feel attractive. He took a nervous step towards Sirius who lifted his hand and took James' he pulled him close with a smile. "You see? I'll always be in your heart, James."

James lifted a hand and smoothed hair back from Sirius' face, he pushed him backwards until they collapsed onto the sofa. "What do you do to me, Siri?" He whispered, slowly running his tongue down his throat and enjoying the thrum of a low purr from his lover. "You'll kill me."

"No, Jamie...we'll kill each other."

James kissed him, pulling him closer by his hair, their tongues tangled and their breathing became heavy. When James ground his hips down into Sirius he responded with a strangled grunt, they began rocking with each other, their hips moving slowly and their heavy pants filling the small room, Sirius grabbed James' hand and slid it down between them where he began moving it up and down his erection. "Siri..." James whispered, kissing him deeply as Sirius fumbled blindly at his jeans.

When Peter walked up the driveway of the house he saw that the door was open, he frowned as he neared it and moved closer. He heard strange noises, panting and gasping and slurred whispers, his frown deepened and he peered into the house, he had a direct view of the living room and what he saw made him suck in a sharp breath; Sirius was wrapped firmly around James, sweat slicked their bodies as they moved in tandem, as Sirius tipped his head back Peter saw that his throat was bruised with hickies and what looked like a hand print. Suddenly Sirius shuddered, his fingers dug into James' shoulders as he rode him, his mouth opened slightly and James caught him in a sloppy kiss as Peter watched them cum together, hands tangled in each other's hair, sweat slicked bodies as taught as bow strings and their soft, gentle moans filling the space with heat. Peter took a shuddery breath as he tried to fight the rise of the blush in his cheeks and adjusted the tent in his pants, he watched in fascination and jealousy as Sirius chuckled roughly, leaning down to bite on James' ear lobe.

"Prongsy..." He whispered as he licked his way down James' chest, cleaning off the mess he'd made. "So fucking good..."

James caught Sirius' head in one hand and dragged it close so he could kiss him, he bit down on Sirius' lip and pulled away again. "I don't ever want to smell anyone else on you again." He muttered.

Sirius' face lit up like a dog given a bone, his eyes sparkled in a way they never had before as a grin spread across his face. "Really? Does this mean...?"

"It means, Sirius, that you're mine. I can smell the other blokes on you, do you think I'm stupid? Hell, Remus himself admitted what you two did together."

Sirius pouted. "But I needed..."

"No. No more, you're mine. I'll sort Lily out...I can have my cake and eat it..."

Sirius frowned slightly but before he could retaliate there was a noise from the door, he turned his head and his eyes widened. "Peter!" He exclaimed.

James swore and literally shoved Sirius from his lap as he grabbed a cushion and covered himself, his cheeks went red. "Wh-What are you doing here?"

"I...I came to say hi to Sirius." Peter muttered looking awkward as Sirius rose from the floor, completely at ease with his nudity. Peter let his eyes scan his body and licked his lips, Sirius still had some semen on his chest and it was running down his thighs.

"Well...Hi Peter." Sirius smirked. "Let me get a shower." He wandered off and felt both James' and Peter's eyes on him, he grinned to himself as he turned the shower on. "Still got it." He giggled as he stepped beneath the hot water.

James began rapidly stuffing himself into his clothes again, his face still flushed at the thought that Peter may have seen more than he was letting on. "So...um...This is awkward." He muttered furiously, pushing his fingers through his hair and messing it up.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Lily. I'm not Remus." Peter said smiling nervously.

James frowned slightly. "Remus? What's he got to do with this?"

"Oh...you didn't know? He came around and told Lily that you were sleeping with Sirius again, didn't you know?"

James' hand dropped to his side. "No...no I didn't."

"Sorry." Peter hung his head.

"No...no it's not your fault, Pete." With a sigh James slumped into a seat and groaned. "What am I doing?" He muttered.

Sirius appeared dressed in a well cut black satin shirt that was unbuttoned half way down his chest, his feet were bare and his jeans almost painfully tight. In one hand he held a bottle of Firewhiskey and in the other three glasses, he was grinning as damp hair fell into his eyes. "Drink?"

"Wonderful...I will drink myself into oblivion and forget about this whole mess." James took a glass from Sirius and let him fill it, he lifted it to his lips and sipped as Sirius poured Peter some.

Finally Sirius threw himself down onto his sofa, his long legs dangling over the arm of a chair, his toes curling slightly as he took a swallow of his drink. Peter hadn't seen him so happy in a long time and it made him angry, he loved Sirius' darkness, he liked to see those grey eyes full of despair and anger and misery. When Sirius was angry or grief stricken he was truly beautiful. Sirius lifted his glass. "To friendship." He muttered with a smirk, James pulled a face but drank and Peter sat down on a seat opposite.

"Has anyone heard from Remus lately?" Peter asked softly.

"Yeah, he sent me a letter telling me that he couldn't get that job...again." James sighed. "I offered him money but his stupid pride won't let him take it, he's getting turned down at every opportunity...at this rate he'll end up homeless and on the streets. Why did you let him leave, Sirius?"

Sirius' face darkened, his eyes turned cold and hard like ice. "I didn't _let_ him, James. He left of his own accord, he's an adult, he can look after himself."

"But it's winter! He told me he couldn't afford to heat that tiny place he calls a flat, he's living off of scraps and I hate to think of him suffering...can't you two just put your differences aside and...?"

"No." Sirius cut him off sharply. "He left, it was his decision and I won't have him back."

There was an awkward silence for a moment before Peter spoke again. "I heard that the Underwood's were murdered last night..."

"Yeah...they were a good family." Sirius replied softly. "Just one wrong word and they get obliterated, at this rate Voldemort won't have any followers at all."

"Lisa was two years below us wasn't she?" James asked softly.

"Yes, she tried asking me out when we were in third year." Sirius smiled softly. "Shame, if I was straight I might have said yes."

"She was pretty..." James said slowly. "Dark brown hair and big eyes like a doe..."

"Bit stupid though."

"Hufflepuff." James giggled.

"Peter, didn't you go out with her friend...what was her name?" Sirius wrinkled his nose slightly as he tried to recall her name.

"Trisha Shipton." Peter said quietly. "I asked her out but she...laughed in my face."

Sirius snorted derisively. "How many girlfriends have you actually had Pete?"

"How many have _you_ had?" Peter countered angrily.

"None." Sirius' smile was wicked. "Girls bits make me ill."

"I like them, they're soft and gentle and clean smelling..." James said absently as he sipped his drink.

Sirius faked gagging. "Ugh...enough, I know you're 'straight' Prongs, no need to keep reminding us with hideous mental images."

"Hideous?" James raised an eyebrow. "Breasts are beautiful."

Sirius laughed. "I like muscle, hard edges...hard other things too..."

"I noticed." James smirked.

As they drank they seemed to revert to when they were children, Sirius laughed more, James teased him mercilessly but he gave as good as he got and they both picked on Peter who kept his irritation off his face with practised ease. Finally though James stood and stretched. "I should go..." He muttered, avoiding Sirius' eyes.

"Ok, will you be at the meeting tomorrow?"

"No, I'm with Dumbledore for the afternoon and I suspect he'll send me with Remus for the full."

"Don't get bitten." Sirius said quietly.

"I won't, he's never bitten me before now, why would he start now?"

Sirius shook his head and smiled slightly. "No reason. Just be careful, don't let your guard down."

James smiled. "I promise, Pads." He moved to the door but Sirius stood abruptly and followed him, when they reached the front door he slammed James into the wall and kissed him roughly on the lips.

"Forever." He whispered, his fingers tangled in his friend's hair.

James smiled softly and ran a thumb along Sirius' defined cheek bone. "And always." He replied softly as Sirius brushed his head beneath his and made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a purr.

Peter watched them together from his seat, he gripped his glass tightly and frowned as he reached into his pocket and withdrew a plastic bag of small white pills. It was almost too easy to reach across the sofa and tip two tablets into Sirius' drink where they dissolved rapidly, he gave it a quick stir just to be sure before leaning back in his seat and concealing his satisfied grin.

Sirius returned and immediately downed his drink, picking up the bottle and downing a second glass. When he lifted the third to his lips he saw Peter watching him avidly, he raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?"

"No...no...Sorry." Peter looked away, hiding his smile.

It was two hours before the drugs truly kicked in, Sirius had been sat down but when he stood to get some more whiskey his legs gave out beneath him, he stumbled and fell right through his coffee table. "Wha'sss...goin' on...?" He slurred, rolling onto his back and gazing up at the blurred ceiling. "Pe'e...I don' feel...'s goo'..."

"You drank too much, Siri." Peter said with a sigh, he put aside his glass and helped Sirius to his feet, he was heavy and he almost fell but after adjusting Sirius' weight he managed to drag him to his bedroom. When he gazed down at Sirius lying on the white sheets he could feel desire rise quickly, he smiled as he leaned down and saw Sirius blinking up at him sleepily, he lifted a hand and tried to push him away but Sirius hardly had the strength to hold his hand up for long. "The Muggle who sold me these little pills told me that you won't remember this in the morning and put it down to a bad hangover..." He grinned and chuckled as Sirius tried to fight him, his hands waving ineffectively at his face. "But it doesn't matter...he promised to give you to me after James is dead, he promised to let me do whatever I want with you..." Peter smiled and stroked hair from Sirius' eyes as he began pulling down his jeans with his free hand. "And when I do get you to myself, you'll know what it's really like to be humiliated...to be pushed aside in favour of the other two...I'll be able to make you look at me like you do James..." He smiled as he kissed Sirius on his unresponsive lips. "And you'll kiss me with as much passion. But for now, I'll take whatever I can get."

"N-no..." Sirius muttered vaguely, trying and failing to push Peter off of him, his grey eyes filled with fear and Peter felt it flood him with heat.

"Oh yes, Siri. You'll belong to me and me alone."

XXX

Sirius woke with a pounding headache, he groaned heavily and rolled onto his back, he could feel his duvet wrapped around him tightly. He blinked up at the ceiling and frowned. His memory of the previous night was utterly blank. He could remember someone knocking on the door but the rest was gone, he had no idea why his body felt delicate and abused, his backside was throbbing and he could feel something sticky on his thighs and knew he must have had sex, but with who he had no idea. He lay still for a long time as sunlight crept across his floor, he was frowning deeply as he tried desperately to remember what he had done, who had been in his house and why. Yet he drew blanks. He had no memory of what he had done, so he got up and slipped out of bed. Pain shot through his head, forcing a gasp from his lips as he stumbled into his bedside table, a candle fell to the floor but he paid it no mind as he struggled to stay upright against the crushing wave of dizziness. His head swam and he was so thirsty his mouth felt like a desert. Carefully he began taking small baby steps to the stairs, he walked slowly and carefully, trying not to disturb that awful throbbing behind his eyes. He closed them briefly and wrapped an arm around his stomach as he sank slowly to the floor. He took a shaky breath and tipped his head back as it slowly dawned on him; someone had either raped him or taken advantage of his drunken state. With that thought he covered his face and swore softly. "Sirius you utter twat." He whispered.

It didn't take him long to ease his headache once he had managed to reach his kitchen and take the required potions, once done he lay down on his sofa and fell asleep.

"Sirius...hey, Siri! Wake up!"

Sirius groaned and tried to push the insistent hand away, it returned moments later to harass him. He swore furiously and sat up, glaring at his guest. James Potter had his arms folded and a frown on his face as he took in the broken coffee table and shattered glasses, empty bottles lay strewn across the carpet too. "What?" Sirius snapped. "I was sleeping."

"I noticed." James said dryly. "What the hell did you and Peter do last night?"

"Peter?" Sirius frowned in confusion.

"Yes..." James said slowly. "Peter came around and caught us...wait...you don't remember do you?"

Sirius shook his head slowly. "No...I have no memories of last night at all."

"Christ Siri! How much did you drink?" James kicked a bottle and watched it roll across the floor.

"I...I have no idea...Jamie...we did have sex right?" Sirius looked up at his lover with a frown of worry.

"Yes, why?"

"Oh...it was...consensual?" He muttered nervously.

"Definitely. Sirius, what is this about?" James knelt and looked into Sirius' eyes. "You don't look well."

"I...well...I just woke up this morning in my bed covered in...in semen...I-I have no memory of what happened..."

James froze, his eyes widening. "Sirius...you showered after we had sex."

"I..." Sirius swore and leaned back against the sofa, covering his face. "Then that means that someone else was here last night."

"I left you with Peter, he said he would stay and drink with you..."

"Nah, Pete would never do anything like that. He's a coward."

"Are you telling me that after Peter left someone came in and...and took advantage?"

Sirius opened his eyes and gazed up at the ceiling. "Well, I've had more than my fair share of lovers, I've even bought them back here with me...I suppose it's not totally out of the realms of possibility."

James frowned. "I don't want you leaving your house today, I have to go see Dumbledore and I'll tell him..." Sirius grabbed his wrist.

"No! No one needs to know about this." Sirius snapped, his fingers digging into James' arm. "I'll stay here today, but if you tell anyone I will never forgive you."

"Alright, I'm sorry...I won't tell a soul. I swear it as a Maruader."

"Good." Sirius felt ashamed, but as long as James kept quiet he could live with that shame, if he couldn't remember it, he could easily pretend it never happened. He smiled softly and drew James towards him, kissing him softly on the lips. James responded and Sirius could feel him smiling. "Mm...you're kisses will never get old, Jamie."

"They'd better not." James pulled away, eyes glittering. "Lily hasn't said anything to me, she seems to have accepted us and if she has it means that we can be together..."

Sirius licked his lips slowly. "What if I said I want you to myself?"

"Then I'd respond by saying, you either share me or give me up. Which will it be Sirius?" James smirked, knowing that Sirius would rather share than leave him.

"You know my answer, you prick." Sirius whispered, his eyes darkening. "I don't know how long I'll be able to though..."

"For as long as my Marriage vows hold."

Sirius frowned. "And yet I'm not aloud lovers on the side?"

"No. Especially not after this...Sirius, they could have cut your throat!"

"No, they wouldn't have...if they wanted to fuck me, they should have just asked."

"Siri...Please, don't go out and sleep with random people anymore."

"James I...It's not fair! You can't chain me up like this...not when you have Lily." Sirius begged him with his eyes. "You get to go home and sleep with your wife, I'm stuck in my cold bed...why shouldn't I have someone with me to warm it?"

James sighed and stroked Sirius' head. "I said no." He muttered and stood, Sirius leaned into his touch and nearly fell off the sofa when James moved away. "I'll see you tonight before moon rise." With that he left Sirius alone, he heard the click of the lock and fell back onto the sofa and closed his eyes.

END NOTE: If you're wondering why Jamie's getting protective and Possessive it is because he is worried about Sirius but also the fact that Sirius is sleeping around whilst sleeping with him stings his pride so he wants to make sure Sirius is his and his alone. His intentions are mostly good, I am not trying to make him evil, I am showing that he's human and is trying to possess someone when he shouldn't he will realise his mistake, as in Canon James can be very immature and I wanted to show it through his relationships. Hope that's cool with everyone. Enjoy and reviews are like oxygen without them I will die. :( (Jks)


	21. Chapter 21

AN: A bit of a general overview of the characters situations. :) Hope you enjoy and thank you for all the juicy reviews they make me a happy author, please keep em coming!

_**To lose a friend has to be the greatest pain you will ever feel. Every time I look at you, I remember that pain.**_

Remus lay on the hard pallet that constituted a bed in his little hovel, it was all he could afford, he had no job and hardly even enough money to feed himself. He continuously turned down offers of help from James and Lily, he didn't want them to feel so responsible for him, they had a family on the way, he wouldn't intrude on that. With a sigh he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, once again Sirius' face swam before his mind and he curled in on himself, he couldn't trust him, he couldn't forgive him...Sirius was dead to him. Then why couldn't he stop that empty dead feeling from seeping through his chest each time he saw his face? He covered his face with both hands and swore softly. "Leave me alone...please..." He whispered to the image of the man he had loved for uncountable years, he shivered.

"Mr. Lupin, I need the rent today or I will be forced to evict you." The man stood at the door, he was round bellied and had a head full of grey curls, he looked stern as he looked Remus up and down. He knew he looked a state but there was very little he could do, his clothing was patched and worn, darned in several places and he had seen the grey beginning to thread through his hair. He knew what it meant, he knew his changes were wreaking their havoc on his body.

"I'm sorry, sir...I don't have it."

"Then you will leave tonight, this isn't a hostel."

"I know, I apologise...I have nowhere else to go...please, just give me a day!"

"No money, no stay." The man said and walked away.

Remus sighed and slipped down the wall, burying his face in his hands. "Remus Lupin, what have you done?"

That night he slept in an alley way, he used magic to put up a barrier against the rain but his stomach rumbled painfully as he lay with his head on his trunk and looked up at the dark sky. His life with Sirius hadn't been all bad, but that was what made it even more painful. He remembered lying in the same bed, laughing together at some stupid joke, he remembered Sirius' arms around him and his breath against his ear as he told him stories about his Uncle Alphard or Andromeda. He remembered Sirius' smile, the way his eyes lit up with happiness when he had finally got his bike working...these memories were terrible, they were full of a desperate longing and unanswered feelings. He regretted it all, every moment he hadn't spoken up, every time Sirius would cry into his shoulder because James had once again hurt him he regretted not grabbing him and kissing him. He regretted not confessing everything the moment he knew Sirius was gay, he regretted every second he spent not kissing him, treasuring him and healing him...in so many ways it was his fault that Sirius was now a traitor. It was his fault because he hadn't done anything to help him, he had been so useless and so helplessly absorbed in his own pain, he hadn't seen Sirius turning to the shadows. "It's too late now you fool, he's gone...he's betraying us all."

But still, a little voice whispered; _You love him still, you know he would never betray you._

He ignored it, it was wishful thinking. The traitor could only be Sirius, only he fit all the qualities...he was mad. Utterly insane. His blood was tainted by the inbreeding in his family, Sirius was many things but he could never hide the fact that his blood was as pure as it could be. He was arrogant, elegant and could charm anyone into trusting them...yet something nagged at Remus. Something kept telling him he was wrong, something wasn't right...it was someone else.

XXX

Peter sat on his bed as he looked down at the photographs on his sheets, in every single one was Sirius.

Sirius at eleven, stood by a door with one hand raised as he pushed hair from his eyes.

Sirius at Thirteen with a wild look in his eyes and paint splattering his robes.

Sirius at twelve with an arrogant sneer on his face.

Sirius at fourteen asleep on a pile of homework, hair spread across the pages of a huge old book.

Sirius at fifteen sat nestled between James' legs with snow in their hair, scarves around their necks and a toboggan beneath them.

Sirius at sixteen, lounging outside the headmaster's office door smirking wickedly.

Sirius at seventeen with a dark look on his face and a scowl.

Sirius at eighteen, stood at James' side with a strained smile as he watches Lily and James married.

Sirius at nineteen lying fast asleep beside Remus, wearing his boxers and a tiny smile.

Sirius at Twenty lying on his bed, naked and covered in semen, his eyes closed and dark bruises on his throat and wrists.

Peter sifted absently through them all, gazing at each one intently as he remembered that Sirius had no idea that half of them had been taken, Peter was very good at sneaking. And finally he found his pride and joy, a single photograph of Sirius standing beside a tall man with dark hair, Sirius couldn't have been more than five years old, but his smile was huge as he gazed up at the man at his side who was also smiling. Peter knew it was Sirius' favourite Uncle, the one who had died and given him all his gold. The picture fascinated him, he had never known Sirius before school, so it was like looking into a small window of Sirius' past and it pleased him. He had stolen this picture from the secret stash Sirius kept locked away beneath his bed, inside a silver box were a myriad of treasures including letters, trinkets, a huge ring with the Black family crest engraved upon it and even a tarnished locket of ornate silver with tiny black diamond's glittering around a picture of a woman with heavily lidded eyes and a small smile. Most of the boxes photo's had been of James, some of Remus and some of all of the Marauders together, but Peter had discovered other more secret treasures, like the photo of Sirius' uncle.

He had found a golden coin, not of British Wizarding gold, but of some kind of ancient unknown lineage, he could tell it was foreign but he didn't recognise the writing around its worn edge. He had no idea what it was for until he had discovered another letter;

_My beautiful Sirius,_

_I am currently in Mongolia, a wonderfully rich country where the Wizards are clever and know some fascinating spells that our Ministry would be sure to ban (I will tell you all about them when I return). I was just talking to a man who gave me this coin, a fascinating object that is empowered to give the bearer whatever his deepest desire is, I give it to you, Sirius, and hope you gain happiness. _

_I am sorry to say that I will not be returning this month, as is usually my custom, but I plan to visit Haiti, I am sure you will understand. If Walburga troubles you, remember Sirius, go see Andromeda, she will help you. I am so very sorry, I will miss you but I hope that this coin can grant you at least some joy._

_All my love, your Uncle._

Peter looked at the date, Sirius had just started Hogwarts when he had received this coin...so he had decided that it must have worked, because Sirius had found James.

XXX

The photograph was well worn, she held it in one hand and gazed down at her husband, trapped forever at the age of fourteen. He had Sirius in a headlock and both were laughing, she had found the picture stuffed into a book and its frayed edges showed how often James took it out to look at it. She took a shaky breath as James laughed silently, struggling with his best friend who was desperately fighting to free himself. She lifted her hand and covered her mouth as the picture fell from her fingers, her other hand fell to her stomach as she covered the child growing in her womb. Bitter tears fell down her cheeks, James was at Sirius', he hardly spent any time with her any more.

When the knock came she stood and made her way to it, she opened it to reveal Sirius. Her shock was obvious on her face. Sirius looked worn, he had dark circles beneath his eyes and there was the tell tale scent of stale alcohol on his clothing. He fiddled with the hem of his jacket as his hectic eyes scanned her face, he bit his lip. "I'm sorry." He said suddenly. "Lily...I..."

"What happened?" She said suddenly, feeling fear rise within her.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Where's James? Something happened!"

"Nothing happened to James, he's fine." Sirius smiled a little and she realised he was drunk. "He's out with Dumbledore isn't he?"

She sighed and nodded. "Yes, I remember now...I'm sorry."

"I'm the one apologising, Miss Red." Sirius leaned on the door frame, he swept hair from his eyes. "I am here wanting to make a truce, James is the love of my life, by arguing and turning on one another we're hurting him. I don't ever want to see him in pain."

"Neither do I..." Lily nodded. "Come in, would you like some tea?"

"Um...ok, thanks." Sirius stepped over the threshold and stumbled, he giggled before righting himself.

"You've been drinking." Lily said as she eyed him.

"Yes, I like being drunk, I don't have to think about anything and suddenly all the consequences of my actions don't seem as important..."

"Right..." Lily took him into the living room while she made tea, when she returned she handed him a cup and sat down at his side. "How is he?" She asked softly, avoiding Sirius' eyes.

"He's...hurting." Sirius said quietly. "I don't think he knows what he wants."

"He needs to make a choice." Lily replied, finally lifting her eyes. "He has to choose between us Sirius."

Sirius' smile was wonky. "And you think h-he'll choose me? Lily..." Sirius put his hand gently on her stomach. "He's got you and...and the brat...You think he'd choose me over that?" He shook his head. "You're mad if you think he would throw away his own child to be with a demented delinquent, no matter how much we want each other...I've thought about it a lot recently...and I realised that the day you got pregnant you won. James was yours the moment that seed took root."

"Are you saying...?" She couldn't finish, she wasn't entirely sure what he was saying.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I'm giving up, Lily." He said softly, his brow creased in a small frown. "I...I'm leaving him...for good."

Slowly it dawned on her, her green eyes widened. "Why? Why would you give up everything now?"

Sirius looked down at his hand as it rested on her stomach, he smiled softly, smoothing his palm against the swell. "It's soft..." He muttered. "What will you name it?"

"We don't know...I was thinking Harry, after my grandfather, if it's a boy..."

"Harry's a good name, strong." Sirius released her. "I'm sorry Lily, for everything I've put you through...But you don't have to worry anymore." He stood. "Thanks for the tea...I doubt I'll see you around. Oh, and tell James that if he messes you around I'll send him a curse."

"Sirius!" Lily stood and followed him out into the hall. "Sirius, wait!" She grabbed his arm and he turned slowly, his eyes dark and empty, for the first time she noticed how utterly exhausted he looked. Her heart went out to him. "Where will you go?"

Sirius shrugged, "Away."

"This is...this is stupid! Why would you just give up everything and take off? James will miss you! He is never the same when you're not around..."

"He'll get over it, in time, when he's busy being a father. You'll heal him, you're good at that."

"But...what about the war? What about the Order and..."

Sirius did something that shocked her into silence, he slipped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her to his lips. His kiss was soft, as gentle as a feather and empty of passion. As he drew away he sighed. "Nope, still nothing." He smiled weakly. "The Order will be fine without me, Lily, James will be even better with me gone...hell, the world will be better without the last Black. I'm leaving...tell James...tell him..." Sirius covered his face with one hand. "Tell him; _Always_."

With that Sirius turned and walked out into the street, Lily bit her lip and ran after him, she watched him cross the road. "Sirius! Sirius! Wait! Please..." She grabbed him just before he reached his bike.

"Stop!" He snapped and turned around, his eyes were dead and his face screwed up in grief and anger. "Stop making this so fucking difficult!"

"Then stop being a coward and say farewell to his face!" Lily replied furiously. "You leaving will kill him, Sirius. James is in love with you, more than he ever was with me! If that kind of thing can be measured. He has loved you since he was eleven years old, don't throw that away!"

"I am _not_ a coward!" Sirius hissed, his fury flaring up at once.

"Then stay! Stay and fight! You promised to help the Order, only cowards break promises."

"The Order all hate me! I'm a traitor, Lily! They all think I'm the one feeding information to the Dark Lord."

"Then prove them all wrong, stay and they will see that it's not true. If you leave it will prove that their suspicions were right...stay and...and give James what he needs." Her voice dropped to a whisper and pain filled her eyes. "Sirius, stop running away, stand and face your fears."

"I'm not running..."

Lily arched an eyebrow. "Then what do you call this?"

"I'm saving James from having to make a choice, saving him from ripping his family to shreds before he's even begun...I'm giving your child the chance to grow up with two loving parents! I'm giving that child a chance to know something I never did."

"Oh, I see...you're being noble." Lily rolled her eyes. "Excuses, Sirius. You're afraid, you're afraid of watching your friends die, you're afraid of being responsible for the Death of the man you love...stop acting the hero, you're a _coward._"

"I am _not_..."

"Stop lying to yourself!" Lily snapped. "Sirius Black, you are being pathetic. If you want James so bad, fight for him! Make him see that you would die for him, that you would give up your very soul for him! _Kill _for him, Sirius!"

Sirius seemed to quail under her furious eyes. "Why? Why would you want me to stay? I'd get in the way of your happy family...I'd just ruin everything..."

"This is not about me, any more than it is about you. We both Love James, I may be carrying his child but we both know he is more in love with you...and if you make him happy, I won't deny him."

Sirius licked his lips slowly, his eyes narrowed. "I still don't understand why you would do this..."

"For James. For my child." She said slowly, her eyes softening. "To give my baby a chance to grow up happily, to give him a chance to know what love is...if his father is grieving, he will never know this. I would die for this child, Sirius...do you understand what that is like? To know that you would gladly give your life away to preserve something so utterly perfect, so innocent?" She took his hand again and pressed it firmly to her stomach, there was a strange rippling sensation beneath the skin and Sirius' eyes widened, he looked at her with wide eyes.

"It's kicking!" He whispered. "I-It's alive in there..."

Lily smiled. "It is a part of James, Sirius...can you really abandon it?"

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. "I don't know...Lily...It's so hard."

"I know. But where would we all be if we all ran at the first sign of difficulty? We may have a spy in our midst but that simply means we need to band together, now more than ever we need each other." She paused and smiled up into Sirius' eyes. "Stay and fight with us, stay and let us teach you how to be loved, Sirius."

Slowly Sirius smiled and touched her face, he leaned down and captured her lips in another tender kiss. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced, it was nervous and lacked any of the passion she was used to but it was soft and gentle. "I've never been with a woman..." He whispered as he stroked hair from her cheek, his smile was soft. "But I reckon if things had been different you and I could have..."

"What the hell is going on?"

Sirius jumped and turned, James was standing in the street with his mouth hanging open. "James!" Lily gasped, a small flush of embarrassment colouring her cheeks.

James stepped closer, his face falling into a frown. "Why were you two kissing?"

"She's so pretty I couldn't help myself." Sirius said with a sly smile.

"She's my wife!" James looked scandalised. "And you're _gay_."

"I am? Why didn't anyone tell me that?" Sirius laughed and put an arm around his friend. "Don't worry, there were no tongues...Although, she should be flattered, it's not every girl I bestow my kisses upon."

Lily giggled, she was still recovering from the experience and she still had colour high on her cheek bones. "James he was messing around..."

"I was, was I?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Like I said, Lily, I have never been with a woman."

"I don't think so, mate. Stay away from her." James muttered sulkily. "You don't understand the amount of girls who went out with me as a way to get to you at school, you're not stealing Lily."

Sirius laughed softly, turning his head and nipping playfully at James' ear. "You wouldn't even be up for...erm...experimenting?"

James' eyes widened as he turned to Lily with hope glimmering in his eyes. Lily rolled her eyes. "James, if Sirius is gay and girls don't turn him on, me getting involved in a threesome would probably be a huge turn off for him."

"Oh, I dunno, Lily...I reckon James naked would be enough to keep me interested..." Their eyes met and Sirius burst into laughter. "You were actually considering it!"

"No I wasn't Mr. Black, your ego is far too large for me."

"My ego _and_ my cock." He winked playfully and James rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses.

"Look, can we go inside and discuss a potential threesome? I'm tired."

They began moving back into the house, Sirius hanging from James' shoulder. "So, would you actually consider it?" James asked, shooting Lily a cautionary glance.

"Come on, not even she can deny I'm fucking sexy." Sirius said, casually running a hand through his hair so it fell back in a wave of pitch black silk.

Lily giggled. "I don't think so, boys. I honestly wouldn't know how it would work between us, for one thing James only has one penis."

"I dunno...there has to be some kind of magic that..."

"No. No magical enhancements, remember what happened in fourth year?" James shivered.

"Oh yeah, you grew yourself an extra arm..."

"It was terrifying..." James said with a grimace.

"It was hilarious, Lily. What happened was that one day James got it into his head to try some erm...magical enhancements to his size, he used this spell and it went horribly wrong. He ended up with an extra arm sticking out from where his cock would normally be...it was so funny I think I pissed myself."

"It was creepy..."

Lily began to laugh loudly, Sirius grinned at her happily and they sat down in the living room.

XXX

Remus sat on the pavement with his fingers in his hair, his luggage had been thrown out after him and his clothes had scattered across the tarmac. He was shaking as the cold seeped into his bones, yet again he had been kicked out. Yet again he had been turned down for a job. Werewolves were monsters, evil, dark creatures with no morals, they were mad. He stifled a sob as he buried his head in his arms, his shoulders shook as he tried to stem the intense emotions, he was tired...never had he been so tired before, he felt as if his whole world had been falling apart ever since he and Sirius had made love. He still thought about that single night, it haunted his dreams, he could still taste Sirius when he woke up in a sweat, trembling as he remembered how his muscles had moved beneath his skin, how his voice had cried out in passion...every single bitter moment was etched forever in his mind and he could feel all his doubts, all his pain eating at him, making him bitter and cold in a world where he had once felt so happy.

He had done little more than think about Sirius, he had not seen him in two months as he hadn't been turning up to meetings. Many people in the order had come to the same conclusion; Sirius Black was a traitor. Only James stood up for him, telling everyone in no uncertain terms that he trusted Sirius with his life, and if they distrusted him then they distrusted him too. Remus had kept quiet, he loved James like a brother, he didn't want to start an argument with him.

**END NOTE: Must state here; THE THREESOME THING WAS A JOKE! Lol. It had been playing around in my head for a while, but in the end I decided not to actually put it in as I can't see Lily agreeing with it and Sirius finds girly bits disgusting, but I liked it so much I wrote it in as a bit of friendly banter. :)**


	22. Chapter 22

AN: Wow...so, this was a fun chappy to write! :D It has only slight angst in this one, but there is lots of joy as The Boy Who Lived is finally brought into the world. Please enjoy and leave me more yummy reviews! I love you all so much, I am so glad I'm making you smile.

"_**It's hard to tell who has your back, from who has it long enough just to stab you in it..."**_

"Oh god...I'm going to be sick." James muttered, he stood and fled to the toilet hearing Sirius' rough laughter following him.

Sirius sat in the living room sipping tea as he listened to terrible sounding screams from the rooms above, he looked up, wincing and finding himself glad he wasn't female.

"JAMES POTTER THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

Sirius snickered as James re-entered and flinched. "Christ...I'm glad I'm not up there." He said and sat down heavily, he lifted his hands and covered his face. "Sirius...run away with me."

"Nope, you shagged her mate, I take no responsibility for where you stick your cock."

"Thanks...and you call yourself a friend."

"I'm the very best. Come on, cheer up, you were so happy when she first went into labour."

"That was until the death threats started."

Lily screamed again, a sound full of agony and anger. "JAAAAAAMES!"

"I am not going up there...She'll cave my head in." James muttered sulkily. "She wanted a kid, it's not like we never talked about it..."

Sirius leaned over and took James' hand, their fingers entwined and they smiled at each other. "You'll be a great dad, potter. You're made for this."

"I hope you're right..." He flinched as something smashed in the bedroom above their heads. "I only hope she still feels the same when it's born."

With a chuckle Sirius leaned back and ran fingers through his hair. "It'll be fine, from what she told me, most women in her family had really long labours, but they had the help of Modern Muggle Medicine..."

"Well, the Mid-wife said that..." James paused as another scream rent the air, quickly followed by a string of horrific death threats against James' person. Afterwards he continued as if nothing had happened. "...she has the best Magical pain killers and natural birth aides...so I suppose it can't be that different."

Sirius gazed absently out the window, the sky outside was darkening as evening came on, it had been a hot summer day with perfectly blue skies and a lovely fresh breeze. He smiled softly to himself. "He'll be a good kid, Jamie." He said and turned his eyes back to James who smiled softly back. "I know it. He'll have your power and his mothers brains...I also hope he'll inherit Lily's kindness, If he is as much of a trouble maker as you, you can forget about me ever babysitting."

James laughed. "But I don't want a swat for a son, how boring would that be?"

"True, but you were just plain cruel." Sirius grinned. "Still, we'll work together to instil some traditional Marauder rule breaking into him, just to be sure he won't be a goody-goody."

"And of course we can have Moony worry about his morals..."

Sirius looked away, he tended to avoid the subject of Remus if ever it came up, he didn't like speaking to James about his suspicions. He sighed and lifted his mug to his lips, a silver chain that was wrapped around his wrist tinkled softly as a heavy silence descended. James looked up, his lips parted as he slowly got to his feet, and then they heard it...the soft cries of a newborn.

James and Sirius looked at each other for a long time as they heard feet on the stairs, slowly, like the sun coming out from behind clouds, James' face broke out into a smile so huge Sirius was almost blinded. "He's here!" He shouted and spun on his feet, as light as a feather he leapt past the shocked Midwife who had come to tell them that a baby boy had been born, and disappeared. Sirius went more slowly, moving up the stairs cautiously, the scent of blood and sweat reached him but beneath that was a new scent that made his senses tingle. He walked slowly, one hand on the banister as he moved upwards, he turned right on the corridor and followed the soft sounds of whispers and gentle cooing, one of the bedroom doors were open and he paused beside it, pushing it open...

James was perched on the bed beside Lily, her hair was plastered to her face and dark with water and sweat, tears poured down her cheeks and yet her smile was the loveliest thing Sirius had ever witnessed. In her arms, snuggled against her breast was a bundle of white blankets, up here the scent was strong as Sirius nudged the door open even further to get a better look, his eyes were wide and full of curiosity as James looked up beaming like a mad man. He beckoned Sirius inside, and after a seconds hesitation Sirius stepped into the room. Lily smiled at him, her eyes were shadowed but full of pride, love and relief. Sirius let his eyes move to the bundle...

The baby was tiny, round and pink with black fuzz on his head. His tiny little hand came out of the blanket and he waved it around randomly, Sirius' eyes widened and his mouth fell open. "Sirius, this is Harry Potter, your Godson." Lily croaked, lifting the bundle, blankets and all and holding him out to him as if imparting a great gift. "If anything happens to us, we want you to do us the honour of guarding him...our treasure."

Sirius took in a sharp breath and released it slowly, without thought he reached out and took Harry into his arms, he stilled his shaking hands and looked down at the child properly. "H-Harry..." He whispered and slowly a big grin spread across his face as Harry Potter opened his eyes, they were as green as emeralds. "He's like a...a wrinkly James but he has your eyes, Lily. Hello, I'm Sirius, It's nice to finally meet you, Harry Potter."

After a while Harry fell asleep on his mothers breast, Lily followed soon after. James leaned down and brushed hair from her eyes, smiling uncontrollably. "Thank you Lily-flower." He whispered softly before standing and taking Sirius by the elbow, they left mother and child and closed the door behind them. James turned and gently pushed fingers into Sirius' hair, he pressed his forehead against his and smiled happily into his eyes. "I'm a father." He whispered.

Sirius nodded and kissed him softly. "You are. Be good to him, Jamie."

"Of course I will, I'm not your father."

Sirius' smile fell slightly. "No, no you're not. You're a million times better and Harry is so, so lucky...I'm happy for you."

"Come on, I feel like drinking, what do you say?"

"I agree, we should give Harry a proper Marauderly welcome." Sirius grinned and put an arm around James' shoulders, he leaned in and kissed his forehead, grinning. "I love you, Mr. Dad." He said softly.

"I know." James replied as they went down to the kitchen and broke out an ice cold bottle of Champaign. "I only wish Remus and Peter were here..."

"Didn't you invite them?" Sirius asked as he sat down and took a glass from James' hand.

"I did, but Peter never responded and Remus...well, he's having difficulties." He sighed. "He said he would be over as soon as he could."

"Well, with or without the others, we'll celebrate." Sirius lifted his glass. "To little Harry James Potter, Prongslet and first Marauder baby to be bought into the world."

"To my son, and may he never know sadness."

They drank and grinned at each other happily.

XXX

"Lily, he's lovely." Remus said softly as he sat down on the sofa beside the new mother, he held a package in one hand and smiled down into baby Harry's face. "Hello Harry..." He whispered and watched as Harry watched him intently, waving his arms around. "I bought you a present..." He handed the gift to Lily who took it.

"Oh Remus, you shouldn't have..."

"It's second hand...It used to be mine."

Lily smiled softly and used her free hand to open the parcel, when the paper fell away she found herself gazing at a blanket made of the softest material, on it was sewn moving animals. She watched a rabbit gambol across the pale blue, a stag delicately nibbled on a patch of grass while a puppy played with its littermates nearby. "It's beautiful, thank you." She whispered. Gently she lifted Harry and lay him in Remus' arms. "He likes you, Remus." She said and smiled.

Remus felt unsure as he held the tiny infant, Harry watched him from bright green eyes. "I'll drop him."

"No, you won't." Lily laughed as she stood. "Would you like some tea?"

Before Remus could answer the door opened and he heard James call through. "I got the Nappies and stuff, Lily...Oh, hullo Remus." He grinned at his friend and Remus returned it, however his face fell when he saw Sirius emerge from behind James, he was eating an ice cream but paused as his eyes met Remus'. "Sit down, Siri, I'll put the stuff away."

James disappeared with Lily on his heels, leaving Remus and Sirius alone together. The silence was oppressive, Sirius sat down slowly, his eyes glittering behind his hair and Remus found an embarrassing flush creep onto his cheeks. Sirius looked as handsome as ever, he seemed to be holding himself with more ease, his smile was easy as he leaned forward and looked down into the bundle. "Harry, hey, I made you summit kid." He whispered, running a finger down his cheek gently. He produced a small parcel wrapped roughly in brown paper. What he withdrew was a mobile, it had animals hanging from it, one was a dog, one a wolf and there was even a tiny rat, in the very centre was a tall and proud looking stag, at the stags feet was a doe and lying in a ball beside the doe was a fawn. Each animal was cunningly crafted from delicate strands of silver and gold wire, the dogs eyes were a soft grey stone, the stags eyes were topaz and the does were emerald. The Fawn that was snuggled deep in his mother's side had it eyes closed as if it slept. Harry stared at it with wide eyes as the light glittered off the precious thing, it was truly a spectacular peice.

"Oh Sirius! That's gorgeous!" Lily exclaimed as she came back in with a tray of tea and biscuits. "Where did you buy that?"

Sirius smiled. "I didn't buy it, I made it. Look closely at the Animals."

Lily leaned over Remus and gazed in fascination at the Mobile. "That's...amazing! I had no idea you were so good at this kind of stuff."

"I have many hidden Talents, Lily." Sirius smirked and waved his wand, the mobile hovered over Harry and began slowly turning, the baby gazed at it in silence as a soft melody began to play.

"What song is that? I don't recognise it..." Lily asked as Harry gave a yawn and his eyes began to fall closed.

"Sleep, O Babe, for the red bee hums,  
The silent twilights fall.  
Eeval from the Grey Rock comes  
To wrap the world in thrall.  
A lyan van o, my child, my joy,  
My love and heart's desire.  
The crickets sing you lullaby  
Beside the dying fire.  
Dusk is drawn and the Green Mans' thorn  
Is wreathed in rings of fog;  
Sheevra sails his boat till morn  
Upon the starry bog.  
A lyan van o, the paly moon  
Hath brimmed her cusp in dew,  
And weeps to hear the sad sleep tune.  
I sing, my love, to you.  
Sleep, O Babe, for the red bee hums,  
The silent twilights fall.  
Eeval from the Grey Rock comes  
To wrap the world in thrall.  
A lyan van o, my child, my joy,  
My love and heart's desire.  
The crickets sing you lullaby  
Beside the dying fire."

It took a while for Lily to realise that Sirius was singing softly, his voice was strong and deep and she felt a smile tug at her lips as the tinkling song came to an end. "It's Gartan Mothers Lullaby, an old Irish song...I..." Sirius fell quiet and sighed. "I remember once walking past my brother's room, he was only little then, I heard someone singing this and I realised it was my mother..." He smiled sadly. "She never sang to me...not once." Sirius sat up straighter and stretched. "Not to worry, she was an evil cow." He smirked.

"Thank you Sirius, it's beautiful." Lily said sadly.

XXX

Sirius stood by the door, within the room he could hear soft whispers, the tension was palatable even through the wooden door as dread filled him. Harry began to make fretting noises as he stirred in his blankets, he bobbed him up and down gently hushing him as he tried to catch some word as to what was being spoken about in the room...

"...Prophecy...need to..."

"What will...?"

"...we have..."

Sirius frowned, it was difficult to hear anything so he sighed and leaned against the wall by the door. Harry made a strangled noise, the kind he made before he was going to cry. "Hush little Harry, it's alright, everything will be fine, I promise. I would never let harm come to you." He smiled and stroked the hair from the baby's eyes as he settled down again. "At least now I seem to understand what your mother meant, little fawn...I really would die for you."

Sirius wasn't entirely sure how long he had stood in the hallway, but finally the door opened to reveal Dumbledore who looked grim. He managed a small smile when he saw Harry fast asleep in Sirius' arms, and he even stroked his head before putting his large pointed hat back on. "I apologise for the short stay, Sirius, but I really must be off. Farewell."

"Good bye, Dumbledore." When the headmaster had left Sirius went straight into the room and lay Harry down in his cot before turning to James. "What happened?"

James was pale, he looked frightened but his jaw was set firmly. "Sirius...sit down."

Sirius frowned and did as he was asked. Lily took his hand gently. "Dumbledore came to tell us that...that Voldemort is hunting us."

"What...?" Sirius let his eyes flick from one to another. "Why?"

James licked his lips and sat down opposite, he pushed his hands into his hair and closed his eyes. "Dumbledore told us that there was some kind of Prophecy made, a Death Eater overheard and...and told Voldemort about it. This prophecy concerns a child born at the end of July...Sirius, it means Harry. Voldemort is going to try and murder my son."

"Well...we won't let that happen then, will we?" Sirius said, smiling slightly. "Come on, Dumbledore must have had a plan for this."

Lily took up the explanation. "There is only one thing we can do, we must go into hiding, at least until we can find some way to destroy Voldemort...We need a secret keeper."

Sirius didn't need to see the silent question in their eyes to know what they wanted from him, he opened his mouth before closing it again. He stood and began pacing. "I don't...I don't know..." He whispered nervously. "It's not a good idea...not me."

"Sirius, don't be stupid. You're perfect." James said firmly, the faith in his voice made Sirius smile.

"Thank you but it's too obvious. If we're really going to keep you safe then you're better off using someone else..." His eyes scanned the room slowly, and then they landed on a picture, slowly he moved over to it and picked it up.

"Who else is there? So what if it's obvious? You'd never give us up..."

Sirius looked at James over his shoulder. "How do you know?" He said in a soft voice. "I really could be the spy you know."

"Sirius that's..."

"Not as farfetched as you seem to think..." Sirius put down the picture and smiled. "I'm really not the spy, James, but I'm the wrong choice for Secret keeper...however, I do know what we can do..."

XXX

Peter could hardly even believe what he was hearing, it was as if all his dreams were coming true at once, he couldn't speak at all so instead he gazed at Sirius and James as if they had gone insane. Sirius leaned forward. "Peter, we're not going to force you but if you do this you'll be a hero." He said enticingly, his eyes glittering behind his fringe. "Please, help me protect James, Lily and baby Harry."

"I-I..."

"I know, it must be hard for you, we understand but Sirius reckons no one will believe it's you, they will all go after him."

Sirius nodded. "I'm the bait. I'll act as the secret keeper and throw them off the scent, you'll be perfectly safe because even if they do capture me, I'm not likely to tell them anything."

"But I...really...I'm flattered..." Peter muttered, hiding the upsurge of excitement as he thought about how well he had conned them all. Through his clever planning Sirius had been implicated as the spy, drawing all eyes away from Peter and allowing himself to do whatever he wished, he had even contrived with Snape to have Sirius captured and released to make him look even more suspicious. He managed to keep the smile of his face as he said solemnly; "Ok, I'll do it."

"Brilliant, Wormy, I promise you we'll never forget this." James said with a kind smile.

_No, you won't ever forget it. I won't let Sirius to forget it, when you're dead and he has to do everything I say then I will make sure I remind him that it was his idea...all his idea to use me as secret keeper...In a way, he has just betrayed you all._ Peter thought as he watched Sirius smile and put a hand on James', Lily was upstairs putting Harry to bed and the night was looking good as he began to imagine what Sirius would look like when he realised what a terrible mistake he had made...

XXX

Remus discovered the plan from Dumbledore who announced that the Potter's had been forced into hiding and their location was currently being guarded by Sirius Black. He felt a sickening jolt in the region of his stomach as he turned his head to see Sirius lounging in a seat, carefully half concealed in shadows as he smoked and leaned his chair back on its legs. He smiled slightly when those silver eyes met Remus'. _What have you done, James?_ He thought as a sudden, terrible fear rose up in his chest. Somehow, he knew James had made a mistake.

Others were looking doubtfully at Sirius who ignored their suspicious glances as he put out his cigarette in an ash tray and his chair slammed back onto all fours. "Right, now that's over I'm off." He stood and shrugged his jacket on. "I have Death Eaters to evade."

"Sirius, please be careful. The Potters' safety now rests upon your shoulders, do not be reckless."

"Albus, I understand...I would, never, ever hurt James, Lily or baby Harry. I'm his Godafther." He smiled happily and slipped out of the small house they were currently using as headquarters.

XXX

"Ah! Jamie..." Sirius whispered, arching his back right off the sofa and closing his eyes. His hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, his body trembled as James ran his hands over his skin. The house was quiet except for the ticking of a carriage clock that sat on the mantle peice.

"Hush Siri, Lily's sleeping..." James muttered against his mouth, he dipped his tongue between his lips and felt Sirius' respond, he moved his hips slowly, drawing out of the heated body beneath him and slowly pushing back in. "You're so good." He muttered, watching Sirius gasp and grip a cushion so tightly his knuckles went white.

"J-Jamie...I know lily said we could...b-be together...but...doing it here..." he groaned as he felt James move, his eyes fluttered closed and his lips parted. "...bit...disrespectful..."

"Where else is there, Siri? I'm stuck here...God...You're so tight..."

"Mmm...I suppose you're right-nnn...but it feels...kind of wrong..." Sirius grabbed James and dragged him down for a searing kiss. "Now, fucking move before you kill me." He hissed through his teeth.

James began to speed up, their lovemaking became rough as they slowly began reaching their peaks. Sirius clawed at James' back, smothering his desperate noises in his shoulder as he felt that slow, painful twist of pure pleasure build rapidly in his groin. "Oh fuck...Oh fuckohfuckohfuck..." He gasped.

"...S-Siri...cumming..." James hissed but right before he was going to be pitched off the edge, they heard a sudden wail. "...Nng...Fuck!" James swore and felt his desire leave him as if someone had turned off a switch.

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Bloody brat." He muttered as James climbed off of him and grabbed a nearby towel, he dried sweat from his face and chest before pulling on a pair of boxers. "Jamie...I may love Harry to bits, but he has some messed up timing..."

"I'm sorry, It's my turn to feed him." James pushed on his glasses and left the room.

Sirius lay still for a while, still feeling that dull ache in his groin. "Bloody kids." He muttered irritably. With a sigh he sat up and began to pull on his jeans again.

When James returned with a bottle and baby he found Sirius gazing at the photographs longingly, he ran a delicate finger over one of he and James together. "Good times those." James said softly as he adjusted his grip on his son and tried to get him to take the bottle. "I miss it."

"As do I." Sirius replied softly, watching Harry feed with a smile full of tenderness. "But, there are advantages to today..." He stroked Harry's head. "He's so tiny..."

"He is, I'm hoping he'll grow up to be bigger than me, but I doubt that...he looks too much like me. My best hope is that he'll be a good Quidditch Player."

Sirius grinned. "He'll be excellent."

When Harry had been put back to bed, Sirius ambushed James in the corridor and dragged him outside into their back garden. "Siri, we're not supposed to be here..."

"I put up my strongest barriers, we're perfectly safe here, James." He turned to his friend and kissed him before pointing towards two brooms. "Wanna fly with me?"

James felt a grin spreading across his face. "Oh yes, Sirius...I want to see your face as I kick your arse across this garden!" He leapt onto his broom with all the grace of a wild cat, Sirius followed and they kicked off the ground together.

Lily was woken by loud, childish laughter, she frowned and looked out the window to see her husband making a beautifully spectacular swerve around the large apple tree with Sirius hard on his tail. She had a smile on her face and as she watched it spread until she was beaming even as James did a sharp u-turn and tackled Sirius off his broom. They fell with a crash and loud laughter as they wrestled in amongst the grass.

Sirius gazed up at James as they tried to regain their breath, the moon was half full and looked down on them with its silver light. Sirius lifted a hand and touched James' cheek as their lips met in a slow kiss, Sirius sighed softly before pulling away and rolling them both over, when James tried to protest he put a finger on his lips. "Hush, don't wake Lily." He muttered and moved down his body, sliding his jeans down as he went.

James felt himself engulfed in heat, he groaned and pushed his fingers into Sirius' hair, thrusting his hips up and moving further down Sirius' welcoming throat. "I love you." He muttered and felt Sirius chuckle in response.

When Lily saw what Sirius was about to do she turned away, she still wasn't entirely comfortable with their relationship but when she saw how happy James was it made every bit of pain and discomfort worth it a million times over. She smiled as she settled back into her bed and sighed as she closed her eyes. "Good night James." She whispered in the dark. "And you too, Sirius."


	23. Chapter 23

AN: Ok, and now we reach the betrayal! I hope you guys have enjoyed the journey thus far, your reviews have been wonderful and have made me smile but...oh! This is far from the end. If you think this is it then you are mistaken, I shall continue for a while however this is the last chapter in which the story will fit Canon, from here on out we delve into the murky waters of my imagination...Please enjoy and keep reviewing I am so happy that you are enjoying it, I will continue to write for as long as you are enjoying.

PS. The italics at the end of the chapter are ripped right from the Deathly Hallows book written by the ever wonderful Rowling, I wanted to end Canon with Canon. :)

"_**The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend."**_

"Peter, you seem to have something to say to me." Lord Voldemorts cold voice rang out in the room, sending chills down Peter's spine as he stood before his Lord.

"Y-yes My Lord..."

"Well? I am busy trying to hunt down Black, unfortunately he is proving most uncooperative."

"My Lord, You're l-looking f-for the wrong person." Peter bowed his head as Voldemort hissed.

"And why do you say that?"

The lamps flickered, seeming to sense the severity of the words Peter was about to speak, words that would condemn Lily and James Potter to death. Slowly he lifted his eyes, his tongue darted out to wet his dry lips as he opened his mouth. "My Lord, the Potters...They made m-me their Secret Keeper."

Voldemort was silent for a very long time before he spoke. "We will wait." He said slowly, almost as if he was speaking to himself. "Yes...prudence will be best. A year we will wait before we strike, like a snake; as fast as lightening. But first they must be lulled into a false sense of security..."

"My Lord..." Peter began and when those crimson eyes turned to him he almost lost his brief surge of courage, he managed to barely hold onto it. "I-I...I don't think waiting i-is a good idea..."

"If we strike now the Potters will be expecting it, their guards are up, I shall wait. When they relax, when they convince themselves that all is well and that no one has betrayed them...that is when I will move. This information is deserving of a reward, Wormtail, what will you have of me?"

"O-Only what I-I wanted t-to begin with..."

"Then you will have him. Six months, Wormtail, in Six months I will find Black myself and give him to you personally."

"Th-Thank you..."

XXX

Sirius whistled happily as he kicked the stand on his bike and the engine died, it rattled as it cooled. The night was cool and a wind made the trees rustle around his temporary home, he took the keys out of the ignition and threw them into the air, he caught them easily with a smile and began walking towards the large mansion partly hidden behind trees and bushes. It was an ancient place covered in overgrown vines and even the gravel driveway was in disrepair, yet for him it was as familiar as the back of his hand. The Black family Mansion had been in disuse since he was a teenager, his parents had decided not to return there for a while in case the Ministry tried to search it, the Dark Objects had all been moved to the family town house and the place had been left abandoned. But Sirius knew it was a perfect hiding place, it stood on the borders of Somerset and Devon, in its own little woodland, it had a well, a good supply of fire wood and its magical protection was almost as good as it had been at Grimmauld Place. He began humming under his breath as he walked his bike up to the small shed and put it inside, eventually he was singing as he stood in the stone porch and tapped on the door with his wand;

"_Hush, child__  
__The darkness will rise from the deep__  
__And carry you down into sleep__  
__Child, the darkness will rise from the deep__  
__And carry you down into sleep___

_Guileless son,__  
__I'll shape your belief__  
__And you'll always know that your father's a thief__  
__And you won't understand the cause of your grief__  
__But you'll always follow the voices beneath..."_

He entered the hall, it was ostentatious if a little dusty with grey marble floors and a huge dark wooden staircase that swept upwards straight from the entrance, portraits of ancient ancestors hung from the walls all eyeing Sirius coldly as he waved his wand and the lamps ignited. He walked slowly towards a door to his left and pushed it open, there was a huge room with a large fire place which, with a jab of his wand, erupted into bright golden yellow flames. He smiled and stretched as he fell down onto the green covered chaise lounge, he sighed and pushed his fingers into his hair as he tipped his head back_. _

"_Loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty__  
__Loyalty loyalty loyalty only to me___

_Guileless son,__  
__Your spirit will hate her__  
__The flower who married my brother the traitor__  
__And you will expose his puppeteer behaviour__  
__For you are the proof of how he betrayed her loyalty___

_Loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty__  
__Loyalty loyalty loyalty only to me___

_Hush, child__  
__Darkness will rise from the deep__  
__And carry you down into sleep__  
__Child, the darkness will rise from the deep__  
__And carry you down into sleep___

_Guileless son,__  
__Each day you grow older__  
__Each moment I'm watching my vengeance unfold__  
__For the child of my body, the flesh of my soul__  
__Will die in returning the birthright he stole___

_Loyalty loyalty loyalty loyalty__  
__Loyalty loyalty loyalty only to me___

_Hush, child__  
__The darkness will rise from the deep__  
__And carry you down into sleep__  
__Child, the darkness will rise from the deep__  
__And carry you down into sleep..."_

The song was one he had known since a child, it was the only one his mother had ever sung to him and now it haunted him like a dark, brooding cloud, hanging over him heavy with rain and potential thunder. He opened his eyes and gazed up at the stucco ceiling, the chandelier was in desperate need of repair and the wall paper was hanging off the walls but he was only staying here because no one knew it even existed.

For generations the Black's had resided in the mansion, the walls were thick with the echo's of dark spells, Sirius could almost hear the screams as he lay in bed at night. He was glad James didn't know about the place, he was glad no one did, not only did it afford him an excellent hiding place but it was full of terrible feelings and dark ghosts of past horrors all caused by his family. He rolled onto his side and gazed into the flames in the hearth, they crackled and spat as they devoured the dry wood and kindling, he hummed the tune of the Lullaby under his breath as the flames danced. Slowly his eyes began to fall closed, he had his head resting on one arm and if he listened he could hear the soft mutters of the Portraits of his ancestors, they followed him down into sleep...

The words floated in and out of his dreams, even as he dreamt of green lights, screams of grief and terror..._Loyalty_...Faces drifted in and out of the darkness, some he knew, others he didn't..._The child of my body, the flesh of my soul..._Screams echoed loudly, bouncing across the stretches of time and ringing in his ears as he tossed and turned upon the cushions..._Traitor...Darkness...Vengeance..._Eventually even the dreams faded as Sirius slipped further into the depths of sleep...

XXX

Remus sat in the living room with a smile as he watched Harry Potter chase the cat, Harry was now crawling and climbing anything he could reach, it made Lily want to scream with frustration and James laugh.

"Ga!" Harry exclaimed happily as he grabbed the Cat's tail, it yowled loudly as the boy stuck it in his mouth. "Ga! Ga!" he said, waving a fat little hand at Remus who smiled softly back at him.

"Harry! Harry no! Put Grindelwald's tail down!" Lily shouted as her son let go of the grey cat and Remus watched it streak away beneath the sofa. "For the love of all things good, I have no idea how he got so good at catching that damned thing!"

"Did you call it Grindelwald?" Remus asked with a raised eyebrow and a small smirk.

"That was James' idea, he wanted a cat that would show Sirius who was boss, as if Sirius is our pet dog! I swear to god between James, Sirius, Harry and the cat I'm going to go insane. Of course, every time Sirius is here he gives Harry a ride on his back, I have to run around chasing him to make sure he doesn't fall while James just laughs! Honestly, I'm not mothering one child, apparently I have three!"

"Brrrruuuu..." Harry said as he bounced happily on his bum and clapped his hands, he grinned a gummy grin and began shuffling across the floor, much to Remus' delight.

"He's so clever! Aren't you Harry? Yes you are!" He poked the boy in the nose so his eyes widened like great green saucers.

"Yach..." He said in surprise, trying to look at Remus' hand as if he'd stolen his nose. "Dooo...Dooo...dooo...do...do..."

"He's adorable, Lily, he really is." Remus said with a gentle smile as he smoothed hair from Harry's eyes. "He looks so much like his father..."

Lily beamed proudly. "He does...Unfortunately he's got his father's curiosity as well."

"Are you two talking about me?" James appeared behind his wife and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her neck and breathing deeply. "Mmm...Hello, Lily-flower."

"James." Lily said, untangling herself and picking Harry up off the floor, he began making squeaking noises as he raced through the air. "He smells..."

"Oh...right..." James took his son gingerly. "Hello Remus, I'll be with you in a moment." He went off to change Harry's nappy.

Remus stayed the evening, he ended up downstairs with James, they chatted happily about the past, James asked deep probing questions about what the Order were doing, how everyone was, who had died until Remus felt as if his tongue was going numb. Then they were interrupted by someone hammering on the door, James moved into the hallway of the small cottage and Remus heard him open the door. "Merlin, Sirius! What the hell happened to you?" James hissed as Sirius almost fell through the door into his arms, he was clutching his side and grimacing in agony.

"J-Jamie..." He gasped as James helped him into the sitting room, he sat him down gently. "...I-I was attacked...Death Eaters..." He coughed and winced as it sent agony flaring through his broken ribs. "H-He was...He was there..." He managed to squeeze through his teeth. "Voldemort..."

"Voldemort himself?" James' eyes widened, he lifted both hands and drew Sirius' head to his lips. "I'm so sorry...I'm...really sorry..." He muttered, a frown creasing his brow.

"Shut up you twat..." Sirius tried to smile but it turned into a grimace. "...Need...Healing..." He muttered.

Once Lily had healed his wounds and he had a cup of hot tea in his hands he began describing the attack. "They came out of nowhere..." He said softly, his eyes dark. "I was driving down the street when they found me, they flew in on brooms and I ended up falling off, I fought my way back to my bike and managed to escape but then...then he appeared..." He shivered and closed his eyes. "I only just managed to get away, luckily they weren't trying to kill me, just capture me...or I reckon I would have been a goner."

Lily's eyes filled with guilt and she chewed her lip while James buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry...That you have to go through this is all my fault..."

"James, I am not averse to hitting you." Sirius said with a wave of his hand. "I'm doing it because I love you, there's nothing I want in return, there's nothing for you to apologise for. I wanted to do it, It's my choice."

"I know I just..."

Sirius' smile was brilliant, Remus averted his gaze because it was like looking into the sun. "Trust me Jamie, I haven't had so much fun in a long time."

Lily shook her head. "You're mad."

Sirius shrugged. "I'm a Black." He smirked over the rim of his cup and sniggered. "We're all mad, Lil's."

As night fell Sirius was found outside the house, leaning against the wall and watching the stars as they floated high above their heads. In one hand he held a cigarette and the other was wrapped about his middle. "The world's changing, Jamie." He said softly as James put his hands on his shoulders and slid them down his arms gently, he buried his face into that thick black hair and smiled. "Whether it's good or bad change I don't know...but this wind...I don't like it."

James sighed softly, feeling Sirius shiver. "We'll be fine, Siri. I'm surrounded by the best friends any man could ever ask for, Peter's keeping our secret safe, You're out there putting your life at risk just to divert attention, Remus is reporting to us and Albus visits as often as he can...We're safe, we're happy and it's all thanks to you." He turned Sirius' head so they were looking at each other. "And I have Lily, the mother of my child, and you...you who I've loved since I was a kid."

Sirius couldn't help but smile as he nuzzled his nose into James' hair. "You know I feel the same, Prongsy."

"Yes, I do. My life is almost perfect..."

"What can I do to make it even more perfect?" Sirius ran the fingers of his free hand through James' hair. "Tell me so I can help..."

James buried his face into Sirius' throat. "I want freedom." He whispered. "It's like there's this...animal trapped inside me and it wants to run...to feel the wind on its face but...but the cage is so small...Sirius, if I don't get out of here I'll go insane." He wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist, curling them into fists as Sirius leaned back against him and closed his eyes.

"You know you can't, Jamie."

"Yeah...but I wonder how long it will take for me to go completely batty...Sometimes, when I'm alone, I can't help but stare out the window...Christ, if I hadn't have given Dumbledore my cloak..."

"That was pretty stupid of you." Sirius replied, leaning his head against James' and smiling. "I know how you feel...when I was grounded as a teenager I thought that the walls were closing in on me..."

"That's exactly the feeling I get here...Sirius, run away with me!" James muttered, breathing against Sirius' ear and enjoying the shudder that ran up his spine. "We can run away, go to Germany and live in the forests there as Animals...we could really be Padfoot and Prongs...forever."

"I don't think Padfoot will want to have sex with a great big stag, Jamie." Sirius chuckled.

"Well...alright, we can be human...have a little house in the middle of the forest, live out the rest of our days together and die hand in hand by a roaring fire with the wide open spaces...Come on, it'll be fun."

"Fun, but stupid. You have a son."

"Shit...you like to ruin my dreams with your boring reality, don't you?"

Sirius felt himself turned around and pushed into the wall, hot lips were pressed against his as James devoured his moan. When James pulled away he was smiling softly. "Since I can't have that cabin in the woods, I'll take what I can get here...let me fuck you Sirius."

"I'm hardly going to deny you." Sirius grinned wickedly as James took his mouth again.

XXX

October 1981 found Sirius standing outside his house with a cigarette between his lips as he gazed up at the full moon, it was huge and the cold winds brought a chill that seemed to seep deep into his bones. The street was full of children running from door to door wearing the costumes of a world they knew nothing about, Sirius had always found it hard to get his head around, that Muggle's who refused to believe in Magic still celebrated All Hallows was an odd concept that no amount of explanation could make it any less confusing. He stepped out the door of his London house, locking it behind him and turning to his bike, the wind picked up and he shivered, turning his eyes to the moon. There was something strange in the air, something that made his hackles stand on end and he bared his teeth in an unconscious snarl as the man in the moon gazed back. Finally he blew grey smoke from his lips and swung a leg over his bike...

James looked out the window with a frown, a tremor ran down his spine and he took a shaky breath. The air smelt wrong, his animalistic senses were buzzing as if he was being hunted. At his side Harry clapped his hands as James turned to him with a smile, smoke drifted from his wand, little puffs of bright colour and Harry watched in fascination, giggling excitedly. Finally Lily entered and James stood up, he absently threw his wand onto the sofa as Lily took Harry up to bed.

Peter looked behind him as the darkness began to encroach, he shivered and tightened his grip on his wand. He was nervous, he knew that as soon as Sirius discovered what was about to happen he would hunt him to the ends of the earth, Peter wasn't ready to face him yet, he needed time to plan a trap, for now he would run. Run as far and as fast as he could...because Sirius Black was going to murder him.

When Sirius pulled up outside Peter's house his eyes moved to the door, it was dark inside, not a single candle lit. No light flickered in the windows. Sirius frowned slightly as he climbed off his bike and began moving to the door, he knocked a few times but on the third knock the door creaked open to reveal the dark hallway. He stepped over the threshold, his nerves buzzing and his hand gripping his wand. "Peter?" He called, his boots seemed much too loud in the silence as he stepped on the carpet. His heartbeat thudded in his ears, his senses sharpened considerably as fear tingled in the tips of his fingers. "Peter? It's me! I'm checking up on you..." He stopped when he reached the bedroom...

The wardrobe was empty. Draws hung open, revealing their interiors. He gazed around and realised with a sickening jolt that this was no kidnapping. No one took their captives clothes with them...

_There was a spy..._

_A traitor..._

_Someone was informing the enemy..._

_A Spy..._

_A traitor..._

Like a ten tonne weight everything crashed into Sirius, his knees buckled and he fell into the wall, grabbing the door for support as his breathing came in little gasps. His eyes widened in terror as the realisation of what he had done hit him so hard it knocked the breath from him. All this time it had been Peter whispering in his ear. Peter had blackmailed him into sleeping with him. Peter had been at his house the night he had been drugged and raped. Peter had told him to suspect Remus. It had _always_ been Peter. "No..." He gasped to the empty room, he stood and turned on his heels. Without a second thought he broke into a run...

_The night wet and windy, two children dressed as pumpkins waddling across the square and the shop windows covered in paper spiders, all the tawdry Muggle trappings of a world in which they did not believe... And he was gliding along, that sense of purpose and power and rightness in him that he always knew on these occasions... Not anger... that was for weaker souls than he... but triumph, yes... He had waited for this, he had hoped for it...___

_"Nice costume, mister!"___

_He saw the small boy's smile falter as he ran near enough to see beneath the hood of the cloak, saw the fear cloud his pained face: Then the child turned and ran away... Beneath the robe he fingered the handle of his wand... One simple movement and the child would never reach his mother... but unnecessary, quite unnecessary...___

_And along a new and darker street he moved, and now his destination was in sight at last, the Fidelius Charm broken, though they did not know it yet... And he made less noise than the dead leaves slithering along the pavement as he drew level with the dark hedge, and steered over it...___

_They had not drawn the curtains; he saw them quite clearly in their little sitting room, the tall black-haired man in his glasses, making puffs of coloured smoke erupt from his wand for the amusement of the small black-haired boy in his blue pyjamas. The child was laughing and trying to catch the smoke, to grab it in his small fist...___

_A door opened and the mother entered, saying words he could not hear, her long dark-red hair falling over her face. Now the father scooped up the son and handed him to the mother. He threw his wand down upon the sofa and stretched, yawning...___

_The gate creaked a little as he pushed it open, but James Potter did not hear. His white hand pulled out the wand beneath his cloak and pointed it at the door, which burst open...___

_He was over the threshold as James came sprinting into the hall. It was easy, too easy, he had not even picked up his wand...___

_"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!"___

_Hold him off, without a wand in his hand!... He laughed before casting the curse...___

_"Avada Kedavra!"___

_The green light filled the cramped hallway, it lit the pram pushed against the wall, it made the banisters glow like lightning rods, and James Potter fell like a marionette whose strings were cut...___

_He could hear her screaming from the upper floor, trapped, but as long as she was sensible, she, at least, had nothing to fear... He climbed the steps, listening with faint amusement to her attempts to barricade herself in... She had no wand upon her either... How stupid they were, and how trusting, thinking that their safety lay in friends, that weapons could be discarded even for moments...___

_He forced the door open, cast aside the chair and boxes hastily piled against it with one lazy wave of his wand... and there she stood, the child in her arms. At the sight of him, she dropped her son into the crib behind her and threw her arms wide, as if this would help, as if in shielding him from sight she hoped to be chosen instead...___

_"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"___

_"Stand aside, you silly girl... stand aside, now."___

_"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead..."___

_"This is my last warning..."___

_"Not Harry! Please... have mercy... have mercy... Not Harry! Not Harry! Please...I'll do anything..."___

_"Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!"___

_He could have forced her away from the crib, but it seemed more prudent to finish them all...___

_The green light flashed around the room and she dropped like her husband. The child had not cried all this time. He could stand, clutching the bars of his crib, and he looked up into the intruder's face with a kind of bright interest, perhaps thinking that it was his father who hid beneath the cloak, making more pretty lights, and his mother would pop up any moment, laughing...___

_He pointed the wand very carefully into the boy's face: He wanted to see it happen, the destruction of this one, inexplicable danger. The child began to cry: It had seen that he was not James. He did not like it crying, he had never been able to stomach the small ones whining in the orphanage...___

_"Avada Kedavra!"___

_And then he broke. He was nothing, nothing but pain and terror, and he must hide himself, not here in the rubble of the ruined house, where the child was trapped screaming..._


	24. Chapter 24

AN: Ok, now, we veer off into non-canon in this chapter. I know that this may be a large divergence from the books but please don't let that put you off, the wonderful thing about the imagination is that just about anything can happen. Thank you all so much for your kind reviews, I hope that my story won't bore you. I don't know how many chapters I will be writing, but I tend to stop in the 30's so whether this one will follow that I don't know. :) Anyways, enjoy and review, love to you all.

"_**I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil."**____**  
**__**―**____**J.R.R. Tolkien**_

The rain was light as it fell against Sirius' face, the stars were covered by clouds and the moon hid half of her face. The cottage was silent, the top right hand corner had been destroyed and the only sounds were the trees rustling in the wind. Sirius stood, frozen to the spot, his feet seemed unable to move, the gate creaked and he swallowed the lump in his throat.

Finally with a massive wrench of his will, Sirius placed one boot before the other and the cottage seemed to loom ahead of him like a huge skeleton with empty eyes. He stepped through the gate and slowly moved to the door which hung from its hinges, he never thought to draw his wand, he never even considered the possibility he would be attacked, he simply walked...

James lay on the carpet, gazing blindly up at the ceiling with blank eyes, his mouth hung open slightly as if he was trying to speak and his glasses were askew. Sirius dropped to his knees, a terrible, blank numbness filling every particle of his being, his fingers tingled as he reached out and automatically adjusted James' glasses. He tried to swallow but it caught painfully in his throat as the emptiness engulfed him, it swallowed him like a black hole, sapping him of everything. His breathing caught, his hands shook violently and his stomach twisted viciously.

He let his hand drop away from James' slack face as slowly something built in his chest, it was a horrible pressure, building and building and building until he screamed...

His scream echoed through the house he fell onto all fours above James' body and pressed his forehead to his still chest. He was cold. So _cold_. His shoulders shook as grief overwhelmed him, he squeezed his eyes shut and let himself fall into a darkness so intense it consumed his very soul.

There was nothing left. His life was over...so why wasn't the world falling to pieces around his ears? Why wasn't the floor crumbling, the stairs rotting, the sky falling down around him in a hailstorm of brimstone and ash...because James Potter was gone, the world should have ended with him.

Darkness. Darkness and cold and silence and terrible, soul destroying guilt and an agony more acute than anything he had ever experienced. Sirius lifted his head, hardly even feeling the tears pouring down his cheeks as he looked up at the ceiling, his fingers tangled in James' jumper. He looked up blindly, letting his darkness devour him until there was nothing left...until he was an empty shell.

Without James his life was meaningless, his body an empty container with nothing to fill it. The light that had shone so fiercely had gone out and Sirius Black became a ghost.

XXX

Dawn was a long way off, yet Sirius lay on the carpet of the little cottage in Godrics Hollow and stared at the corpse of his best friend, his lover, the other half of himself. He couldn't move. His body was as cold as ice and his heart seemed not even to beat. He watched James and began wandering if he could die now, simply wish his heart to stop, to give himself over to sweet oblivion for eternity. He closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath as tears slipped free of his eyes, he should be dead. If James was dead then he should have died too...so why was he still breathing? Why was his heart betraying him by pumping blood around his useless body?

It was soft at first, he could barely hear it over the terrible sound of his own grief, yet it grew louder and louder until it was like a siren going off in his head. He opened his eyes slowly, it was difficult but something seemed to click when he did.

A child was crying. Somewhere, in the rubble of this ruined house, was a child...

"...Harry..." Sirius croaked as he forced his limbs to move, pins and needles erupted through him, setting his nerves on fire but it served to let him know that he was still alive, there was still hope...and it lay in that shrieking infant above him.

Baby Harry was stood in his crib, beneath him his mother lay in a tangled heap of red hair and blue cloth. Sirius stepped over her body to the child and looked down at him. The child was sobbing, a trickle of crimson blood ran down his forehead from a horrible wound there. Without thought Sirius reached down and picked Harry up, he lifted him and drew him close, his fingers sliding into that soft hair as Harry quieted and curled his fist around a handful of Sirius' hair.

Outside the rain still fell, the clouds rushed over the moon as it moved slowly towards the horizon. Sirius fell to his knees on the front lawn, his body giving way until he found himself lying in the wet grass and feeling the rain cool his heated cheeks. He let Harry snuggle into his chest as he gazed up at the sky and gave himself back to his pain.

XXX

Hagrid found Sirius lying in the front garden, at first the half giant thought he was dead as well but he heard the soft and heart wrenching sobs as they left the still dark form. He moved closer, wary of disturbing Sirius in his grief, but he had a job to do and he knew it was important. "S-Sirius?" He muttered, his deep voice rumbling through the air. He watched as Sirius opened his eyes, he stepped back as they landed on him. What he saw there scared him. Those silver eyes, normally so full of energy and joy were so dark they were almost black, they were empty. Utterly devoid of any emotion as Sirius slowly sat up, cradling Harry against his chest.

"...No." The broken man croaked as he shook his head slowly. "No."

"Ya don' even know wha'..."

"Dumbledore sent you..."

"Yeah...'m sorry, b-but Harry 'e needs..."

"Harry's needs do not concern either you or Dumbledore." Sirius said, climbing unsteadily to his feet, he swayed slightly but his back was straight and his face defiant. "James and Lily named me Godfather...he is mine." Sirius put his arms around the child protectively and the possessiveness in his voice made Hagrid wary, the man was stricken but he wasn't going to let Harry go without a fight. There was a sudden rumble and both men looked up at the sky as the heavens opened and a storm broke out, Lightening flashed across the sky highlighting Sirius in monotones. "You don't understand..." He whispered, his voice nearly drowned out by the thunder. "...No one can understand."

"Sirius, 'Arry's got family...'e's got an aun' an' Uncle...e'll be better off with them, come on, give 'im to me..." Hagrid reached towards Sirius who looked at those dustbin lid sized hands with an expressionless face, his own tightened on Harry who gurgled and shifted in Sirius' arms. "...ta me, Sirius..."

Another flash of lightening rent the sky and Sirius suddenly looked up. "If I do...I-If I let him go...I-I'll do something stupid..." He muttered. "...H-He...he's James..."

"'e's Harry...Not James, Sirius, everythin'll be alrigh'...Dumbledore wouldn' le' no 'arm come to him...Just give 'im to me..."

Sirius' eyes moved back to Hagrid and slowly, ever so slowly as if he was passing on a peice of his own soul he lifted the boy and gently lay him in Hagrid's arms. Hagrid sighed in relief and drew him close, wrapping him in a blanket he had in his pocket. Sirius gazed at the bundle as the rain stuck his hair to his face, his t-shirt stuck to his skin and he slowly licked his lips. "...Take my bike...she'll get you there faster..." He managed.

"But what abou' you?" Hagrid asked, looking concerned as Sirius took a step backwards, he watched him draw his wand. "Wha' you gunna do?"

"I am going to make everything right again, Hagrid." He said in the tones of someone who had already died. "Good bye." He turned his back and spun on the spot into pressure filled darkness.

XXX

_"You asked for it, Pads." James whispered roughly, seizing a handful of Sirius' long soft hair and yanking on it. "You'll be screaming before I'm through."_

Sirius could barely take in his surroundings, there were people everywhere...

_"No..." James replied mulishly. "Not jealous..."_

He stumbled and hit a wall, but he couldn't stop, he had something to do...one last mission before he could rest...

_"Are you alright?" James asked, sitting on the bed. "Hey? Siri...?"_

The world was little more than flashes of colour, random sounds and every single sensation was muted as if Sirius wasn't really feeling them himself. He closed his eyes and moved forwards blindly...one more task...one last thing...

_"Are you...Sirius, are you in love with me?"_

It had stopped raining at some point, he wasn't sure when or how...he knew that the sun was out as the light was bright but he couldn't feel it on his skin. He paused briefly to look up, the sky was high and as blue as sapphires, but it held no joy for him...he knew nothing ever would.

_"I want my best friend back!" He said, moving forward and grabbing Sirius' shoulders. "I want the guy who helped me paint the corridors crimson and gold, I want the guy who decided to turn Snivelly into a giant muffin just because he could! I want Padfoot back!"_

Crowded streets...loud noises...the dim buzzing of far off voices, voices that held no meaning...

_"I-I...I've wanted you...always you...b-but..."_

...it was a blur of brown and blond but Sirius' eyes snapped into focus. He caught a familiar scent and dived forward into the crowds, giving chase to the man who had ruined everything, to the man who had destroyed his light...

_"I want__you__." James whispered, moving behind his friend and wrapping his arms about his waist. He pressed his forehead between Sirius' shoulder blades. "Only you will make me happy, Siri."_

People pressed in on him, it was the early morning rush, Sirius caught sight of the tail end of a cloak disappearing around a corner, he shoved and pushed forward, gaining mutters and glares but nothing mattered...nothing at all...only that scent...the scent of fear and guilt...

_"I want you and only you...fuck it. I don't care anymore...I'll let the whole fucking world know...I love you Sirius Black."_

_"I'm...so sorry..."_

Nothing in the world could have stopped him as he saw Peter spin around on his feet, his wand in the air, his blue eyes were wide and his fear made the air pungent with its odour. Sirius Black grinned like a mad man; "PETTIGREW!" He screamed...

_"If you die on me I swear on every deity in existence that I will follow you beyond the veil and make you regret leaving me! If we die we die together, we__swore__, Padfoot!"_

_"Sirius..."_

_"Sirius...I love you."_

The lies that spewed forth from his lips disgusted Sirius, but not half as much as the way his eyes continuously darted around as if searching for an escape route. Peter's betrayal was like a volcano, it was poisoned with a hatred so complete it was akin to insanity. He wanted him to die. He wanted to hear him screaming, to hear him beg for his pathetic life...but most of all he wanted to laugh as he destroyed him...

_"I would've found you...I would have ditched school and hunted you across the country so I could find you."_

_"I'll never stop loving you, Sirius...you know that right? We've been best friends forever, I couldn't live without you."_

_"I'll always need you, Siri."_

...It was the slight tip of Peter's head that caught him, he only had a split seconds warning before the world exploded into fantastical colours...Light and fire and blood and screams...Sirius drowned in it all...

_"And when we're not together it's all so wrong."_

_"Forever, Pads."_

_"I will never, ever stop loving you...but we..."_

There was laughter...someone was laughing like a mad man as Sirius stared into the crater...he didn't realise that the laughter was coming from his lips, he didn't even know that he was covered from head to foot in blood and entrails...his nails were caked with dirt as he leaned closer and saw it...A single finger lying in the very centre...and something inside him snapped, like a twig broken over a knee Sirius felt his mind shatter into a thousand pieces...

_"Sirius!"_

_"Never forgive me for this, Sirius." He whispered, tracing a line of gentle kisses across his cheek. "Never forgive me."_

_"Always."_

XXX

The mansion was dark, as dark as the thoughts churning around his mind. The man who had once stood side by side with James Potter was as dead as his friend, and now something else inhabited his body, something as twisted and as bitter as an old root. The cellar was illuminated by the light of several candles, in the very centre was a circle with runes etched around the edge in chalk dust. Sirius gazed at it for a while, his eyes glittering beneath his fringe. Lying in the centre of the circle was a photograph, a small vial of blood and a lock of hair, Sirius licked his lips as he checked that everything was perfect.

He had always vilified the Dark Arts, he had fought for his belief's he had even killed for them, but now, now that James was no longer at his side all the dark whispers that had haunted his childhood became so loud that it was as if his head was full of screams, now he would accept what he was, now he had no choice but to accept his ancient heritage and become what his parents had always wished for him.

The chant was simple, but he knew that a spell of this magnitude could kill him, Dark Magic needed sacrifice. Sirius stepped into the circle, his wand gripped tightly in one hand. His hair fell into his eyes and his silk robes billowed around him, his toes curled as the cold seeped into his bare feet from the cool earth. He looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes. "Jamie." He whispered and felt a wind blow in through cracks in the old stone walls, it blew his hair around his face and he heard whispers on the wind. "I want you back...come back to me."

The circle glowed with a bright green light, magical energies spiralled around him, making his body tremble as he felt a sudden, violent upsurge of intense pleasure. The hairs on his body stood on end and he uttered a tiny gasp as he let his eyes open, they were almost glowing.

There were no flashes, no excessive explosions, only a gentle breeze that whipped around him and carried the soft whispers. At first they were difficult to decipher but then they became clearer...

_Sacrifice..._

_We demand payment..._

Sirius put his hand over his heart and lowered his head. "Take it." He whispered. "Take it and bring him back to me."

_It is done._

A strange tingling slowly began to spread out from Sirius' chest, breathing became difficult as he saw shadows surround him, engulfing him in complete darkness... "James..." He whispered as agony tore through his body, as the shadow creatures reached into his chest and withdrew a tiny shimmering peice of soul...

XXX

Albus Dumbledore was one of many witches and Wizards who looked up at the moon when they felt a terrible tingling down their spines. The night was dark, the stars seemed to have gone out so that only the moon shone above them, a great silver orb that glowed like a lantern. "Headmaster?" McGonagall frowned as she watched Dumbledore staring up at the sky, the previous night they had delivered the Boy Who Lived to his Aunt and Uncle, the next morning they had received word that Sirius Black had murdered Peter Pettigrew and several Muggles in a street in London and had escaped, but not before the Ministry members who had gone to capture him had heard him laughing...

"This is an ill night, Minerva." Albus said softly. "There are some things not even Lord Voldemort would dare do...but this night someone has sold his soul in exchange for a life..." He turned solemnly back to Minerva. "I believe that we have a Wizard more powerful than we had first considered on our hands, with the destruction of Lord Voldemort we have lulled ourselves into a false sense of security...improve the protections around Harry Potter, ensure that no one gets near him."

"As you wish, Albus but...who is it? Who could possibly pose a greater danger to the boy than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

"A man who has broken every magical rule in existence." Albus said softly.

XXX

Sirius slowly opened his eyes, he gazed up at the broken ceiling of the cellar and groaned heavily, his hand drifted to his chest where there was a terrible ache as if someone had ripped out his heart. With a wince he rolled onto his side, there was smoke drifting lazily across the floor but as it cleared Sirius saw a body lying within the circle. With effort he dragged himself onto all fours and crawled towards it, as he drew closer he found himself gazing down into the pale face of James Potter. Sirius checked his pulse and when he felt it there, fluttering beneath his fingers he gave voice to a wretched sob. "J-Jamie!" He croaked hoarsely and pressed his forehead to his lovers chest as it rose and fell, he squeezed his eyes shut against the intense emotion but when he felt fingers in his hair he smiled through his tears. "You came back to me." He muttered, slowly lifting his head to find himself looking into dark hazel eyes, he smiled weakly. "James...It's me..."

"S-Sirius?" James whispered, his voice hoarse. He frowned slightly, his memories were confused, most of them little more than blurs of colour and sound. "I...I...what happened? Where are we?"

"Home." Sirius replied, smiling as he stroked hair from James' eyes. "We're home, Prongs."

"H-Home?" James slowly sat up and looked around with a frown. "This is a cellar...I...Where's Lily and Harry?"

Sirius' face fell slightly. "Harry's safe...I made sure of that much at least before...before this. Harry's alive, Jamie."

"But where? And where the hell is this place...? Why do I feel..." His brow creased in a frown. "Why do I feel wrong?"

"You've been through a lot, but it'll pass..." Sirius kissed him on the mouth, his hands were covered in soot, blood, chalk and dirt but James responded to his lips.

When Sirius pulled away James saw how dark his eyes were, how they held a strange sheen to them that hadn't been there before. "What happened? Tell me the truth."

"James, I...It's all my fault." Sirius whispered, his eyes widening like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "...I...I made a mistake...It was Peter! It was Peter who was...and then I found you...and I saved Harry..." He shuddered and closed his eyes, pressing his face into James' chest and smiling at the warmth there. "And now you're back...James, you came to me."

James frowned down in confusion at Sirius who was acting strangely, he was pressed close, so that James could smell him, the scent of blood and smoke was strong but it was the way his body shook and the way he clung to James' clothes that scared him most. Everything was just so...wrong...


	25. Chapter 25

AN: This chapter I wanted to concentrate on Sirius and James, mainly because in my head Sirius is actually quite mysterious as far as his past goes and I honestly don't reckon James and Remus know half as much about him as they think they do...or that's just me. :) Anyways, please enjoy this strange and ethereal chapter...

_**And all will turn**__**  
**__**To silver glass**__**  
**__**A light on the water**__**  
**__**All Souls pass – Annie Lennox, Into the West.**_

Day dawned bright to find Remus pushing open the door of the shack he had found to keep him safe while he changed, he remembered the fear, the pain and the inexplicable grief that had overwhelmed his senses as the werewolf had torn free of his skin. He looked up at the sky and frowned, something was wrong, but he couldn't tell what.

When he returned to the hostel that was his temporary residence it was to find a letter from Dumbledore, the contents made all the air leave his lungs, as if someone had punched him in the chest with an iron fist. He collapsed and clutched at the parchment so tightly it tore. Eventually he stood, he had to find out what exactly had happened, he had to know for sure...

XXX

James stood at the window, gazing out at the overgrown garden, he leaned on the casement and tried to sift through all his confusing memories. Sirius had fallen asleep not long after they had come up from the basement, now he was stretched out on a mattress sleeping soundly. So far James had worked out that the flash of green light that haunted his mind's eye was the killing curse, but he simply could not remember who it had been aimed at or why he had seen it. He remembered being hunted by Voldemort, he remembered his wife, his son and the little cottage in Godric's Hollow, but anything after that was meaningless...

He still felt wrong, his body was like a too-small glove, it was slightly uncomfortable and his heart ached painfully as he gazed at the trees. He put his hand over it and frowned. He had to know what had happened, but he had no idea when Sirius would wake.

XXX

Dumbledore's words washed through him like a wave, it crushed the air from his lungs as he stared wordlessly at the ruined house. A body lay in the grass on the lawn, wrapped in a cloth, there were supposed to be two bodies but only one had been found. Remus moved towards it, ignoring the cautionary words of Dumbledore and kneeling beside it, he gently moved back the sheet and looked down into Lily's peaceful face, she was untouched by any wounds, but the killing curse left none behind. "Lily..." Remus whispered and stroked her face, he sighed and leaned down, placing a brief kiss on her forehead before covering her back up again. He was partly glad that he didn't have to be faced with James' body as well, he knew that it would probably destroy him if he did. "Dumbledore?" He croaked softly, unable to turn and look into those understanding blue eyes.

"Yes, Remus?"

"Where is...where is he?" His hands clenched into fists on his knees as a dark wave of fury engulfed him.

"I assume you mean Sirius? I cannot say, he escaped us after murdering Peter."

"Will he be given to the Dementors?"

"I would think so."

"I want to see it." Remus turned to look at Albus, his eyes as dark as the earth. "When they take his soul I want to be there to witness it, maybe then I can finally rest."

"Remus, I suspect that if they do send out Dementors to hunt for him they will catch him in some dark alley way, there will be no one around...It is not something any decent human would enjoy watching." There was a hint of anger in Dumbledore's voice, but Remus knew it was aimed at the Dementors, everyone knew the Headmaster's views on the dark creatures.

"I don't care how horrible it is, I want to witness Black's final screams..." He gazed back down at Lily's body and closed his eyes. "I should have...I should have told them." He whispered. "As soon as I knew they were using Sirius, I should have warned everyone that he wasn't trustworthy!"

"I doubt that James would have listened to you, Remus. Come, let's go we cannot linger here with the dead."

Remus climbed to his feet and gazed sadly at the house. "I'm so sorry..." He whispered before finally turning away.

XXX

Sirius woke slowly, blinking the exhaustion from his eyes as he rolled onto his back and stretched. There was a soft, warm weight at his side and he smiled as he wrapped his arms fully around James' body and pulled himself closer, he breathed in that wonderfully familiar scent and hummed happily. "Siri?" James' voice broke his quiet joy and he cuddled closer.

"Yeah?" He muttered.

"Can you tell me what happened? I...I have to know..."

Haltingly Sirius began to explain everything, he told James how he had visited Peter, how he had realised his mistake...tears began to slide down his cheeks as he buried his face in James' neck, his body shook with the force of his guilt as it ripped at him, tearing his remaining soul to shreds. "I-I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I-It's a-all my fault! Everything! I m-made a huge mistake...and it cost you everything! Blame me! Blame me James...b-because I got you killed!"

Slowly James extracted the full story from his distraught friend, when it was done he lay in silence, gazing up at the mouldy ceiling as he saw Lily's face. "She's dead..." He whispered. He felt Sirius nodding against his shoulder, his shirt was damp from the tears but he ignored it as the full weight of what Sirius had done crashed into him like a freight train. "...You...you bought me back..." Slowly he sat up, dragging Sirius upright by his tatty robes and shaking him. "What did it cost you?" He was nearly shouting, his voice echoing through the room.

"J-Jamie..." Sirius gripped his wrists tightly and looked at him with confusion in his grey eyes, eyes that had something missing in them, eyes that were simply much too empty.

"Tell me Sirius, what was the price?"

"..." Sirius opened his mouth and closed it before finally his face crumpled and he gripped his chest. "A peice of my soul." He whispered softly. "I gave it up s-so you could live..."

He couldn't find the words. What Sirius had done went against everything he believed in, it went against nature itself. "Sirius...everything must die." He whispered finally, his eyes filling with sadness. "Everything. Do you understand?"

Sirius shook his head and lifted his hand, he stroked James' face and smiled softly. "Not everything, Jamie. You don't have to die."

"I should have died. You...you should have left me...you should have gone to Dumbledore and explained everything, about Peter, about our plan...you should have concentrated all your efforts on protecting Harry! You should have lived in my place, Sirius!"

"There is no life without you James. I love you...I love you so much I couldn't have survived without you! They took Harry away from me..." He pulled himself into James' lap and pushed his head beneath his chin in a gesture James had come to associate with Padfoot. "When I got him out of the house Hagrid came and made me give him up...Dumbledore said that to protect him he had to go live with family, but...but _I'm_ family! You made me Godfather and I failed...So...So I did the only thing I could..." he looked up and smiled a smile that was slightly mad, his hands gripped James tightly and he whispered softly into his ear. "I murdered Peter." He giggled and drew away again. "Well...I was going to murder him...but the stupid little, useless rat escaped me! He killed himself and took all those muggles with him! He robbed me of my revenge!" The fury inside Sirius was almost palatable but then he smiled again, it was the smile of a child. "But then I bought you back, it was easy really, all I had to do was give up a peice of myself, and that wasn't so hard in the end...because what do I matter when I could bring you back where you belong?"

"And where do I belong, Siri?" James whispered warily, he didn't like it at all, nothing about the situation was good, especially the way Sirius was gazing at him; with wide eyes as silver as the snakes head handles on the doors of the old mansion.

"In my arms, Jamie." He replied finally with one of the sweetest smiles James had ever seen. "By my side...with me..._inside_ me..." He kissed him gently, wrapping his arms around James' neck so he was as close as he could get. When he drew away enough he whispered against his lips; "And now a piece of me resides within you, James, you have a peice of my soul and it's yours..._forever_."

The wind howled around the mansion, James pushed Sirius onto his back, pulling his robes open and tearing them in his haste. He drowned himself in Sirius' flesh, forcing himself to forget everything, Sirius made that easy enough by panting his name, whispering in his ear as they made love as darkness descended like a shroud, encasing them in their own world. He didn't have to think when Sirius pulled him inside his body, drawing soft moans from his lips, he didn't have to worry about the consequences of what Sirius had done when he was wrapped so firmly around his lover that he was unable to tell where he ended and Sirius began...

It was intense, much more so than it had been, instead of being two separate entities they were one. With Sirius' soul residing inside him he could almost feel all that passion, all that love and grief inside his chest, it weighed him down and choked him as Sirius moved beneath him, sweat clung to his brow and Sirius pushed fingers into his hair and whispered his name in the dark.

James' fingers found Sirius' familiar skin, when he touched him he felt tingles race across his own and he shivered in delight when Sirius' tongue glided across his chest. Their movements were slow, slow and full of passion as they moved with each other. Their bodies fit so perfectly together it was like they were a puzzle, without each other they were incomplete but in moments like this the world was perfection. Sirius never wanted anything else, his life was perfect, a beautiful song with the melody intact as it rang through his head and made him smile as pleasure overwhelmed his senses.

Afterwards Sirius fell back to sleep, James held him and kissed his temple, he watched a small smile lift the corners of his mouth before he disentangled himself and stood while wrapping a sheet around his waist. He dug around in Sirius' robes until he discovered a packet of cigarettes, he withdrew one and lit it with Sirius' wand before padding barefoot to the door and out into the hall. He gazed around at the beautiful architecture, even though it was covered in a fine layer of dust it was obviously magnificent. As he walked he could see the dim figures of the Portraits, eyes followed him as he began making his way up the stairs, smoking as he went. The place smelt of must and mould, he could taste the dust even beneath the taste of the tobacco on his tongue. The Portraits were everywhere, they muttered as he passed them, he could feel the disproval in their pale faces.

Generations of Black's, each one married to either first or second cousins, and even sometimes brother to sister. Each one infatuated with the Dark Arts, each one as evil and powerful as Voldemort himself. Sometimes he would see a face of someone who resembled Sirius, and he would stop in his tracks, wiping off the layers of dust to reveal the pretty face of a young boy or a woman, even an old man. They all had expressions of insolence and sometimes even an outright sneer as they eyed him with distaste, it was strange because he could also trace his lineage back to one or several members of the Black family through his mother, even though she hadn't been of the main family branch, which Sirius had been.

He finally came to a halt at a small painting, behind the dust moved a figure and when James wiped it clean with the sheet he saw Sirius smiling back at him. He couldn't have been more than six years old, but his hair brushed his shoulders and his clothes were as old fashioned as the rest of his Ancestors. Beside six year old Sirius was a painting of his brother wearing matching clothes; a little Victorian sailors outfit in black and green with a studded jade broach on his collar in the shape of a raven with a single jet eye. Regulus gazed at James with wide eyes, his head cocked to one side as they surveyed each other curiously. James recalled Regulus from school, Sirius had always been sure to watch his little brother carefully and if anyone showed any signs of bullying him he would hunt them down and threaten them. Reg, of course, had no idea that he had a guardian angel in his brother, he despised him along with the rest of the Black's, but something told James that the two brothers had once been as close as two brothers could be.

He moved on down the corridor, passing half open doors, the silence pressed in on his ears as he finished his cigarette and crushed it out in a dirty vase full of rotting flowers. A room caught his eye as he passed it, he pushed the door open so it creaked loudly and dust fell down onto his head. Inside was a four poster bed made of beautifully carved ebony, a motif of vines and flowers curled their way up to the top of the posts, the flowers were huge white lilies picked out in pieces of ivory and mother of pearl. The design reminded him of the handle of Sirius' wand. He moved further into the room and looked around, all the furniture matched the bed, all had inlays of different woods, ivory and sometimes, like in the chest of draws, pieces of jet. The heavy velvet curtains were rotting on the bed posts, when James touched on of them it fell to the floor, stirring up Doxies and other creatures. He flinched back and dodged an angry Doxy, batting it out of the air with his hand before squashing it beneath a heavy book.

James moved to a dresser, its mirror was cracked and the silver and gold leaf was peeling away. He gazed at his reflection for a while, he was paler than normal but other than that there was no other sign that he had been dragged back from beyond the veil. He finally looked away and spotted a jewellery box, it was mahogany inlaid with two silver serpents, they twisted around each other until they were face to face, each of them had a ruby for an eye. James lifted the lid and instantly realised it was a music box. A witch and wizard danced with each other to the tinkling tune, spinning slowly around in circles. He watched them and smiled softly to himself, he didn't recognise the tune but it was slightly sad. The box itself contained several rings, including a signet ring with the Black family crest and a thin silver chain on which swung a locket. He picked it up and opened it, inside was a picture of man with a kind smile, he had a neatly trimmed moustache and short, closely cropped hair that was peppered with grey. Beneath it, in a childish scrawl was a word;

_Oncle_

James smiled, he knew Sirius had loved his uncle Alphard dearly, even though he rarely spoke of him. He turned and looked at the wall where he saw a bit where the green paper had been ripped away, he could see words written in big bold letters;

_En stirps nobilis et gens antiquissima Black_

_Toujours pur_

James felt an awful wrench in his gut and a strange sensation overcame him, it felt as if he was floating in water, he stared at the words daubed on the wall and blinked...

There was a boy on his knees before the words, his hands were covered in red paint as he looked up at the words, slowly he turned his head to gaze directly into James' eyes. He was so small and skinny that it took him a moment to realise that he was looking at Sirius, he was little more than seven years old and his face was covered in yellowing bruises, his robes were torn and James could see his pale skin beneath them as he turned huge grey eyes to something stood behind James.

It was like watching an old Muggle silent movie play out, the images flickered slightly, as a shadow fell across child Sirius who's eyes widened in fear. The figure was tall and faceless as a hand reached down and dragged the boy to his feet, he struggled violently, his mouth moving as if he was screaming something as suddenly a fist came out of nowhere...

"No!" James reached out but froze as the image disappeared, he slowly dropped his hand and took a shaky breath. He had never met Orion Black, but he was sure that had been him.

With a shake of his head he prepared to leave the room, it had a terrible feeling to it, as if the very walls themselves had absorbed all of Sirius' anguish and it was leaking from them like a black miasma. As he stepped out from the room he heard the pitter patter of little footsteps, he turned and frowned as something disappeared around a corner. He couldn't help himself, he followed.

He turned the corner and heard a sudden gale of childish laughter, the footsteps sounded as if they were behind him, but as he turned he saw nothing...

"_...Reg..."_

He turned back and looked down the dark corridor, he saw a child standing at the end of it beside another table with a vase of flowers on it. The child smiled.

"_Reg...Come play."_

"S-Sirius...?" James whispered with a frown. Sirius was downstairs...how could he be here?

"_...come play with me! I'm bored..."_ The boy smiled and flickered before he turned and ran. _"Catch me!"_

Suddenly the sounds of a piano floated up the stairs from the floor below, James jumped and began returning back the way he had come. The stairs creaked beneath his weight as he descended and came to a halt in the front hall, it echoed with some of the most beautiful music he had ever heard. He followed the sounds and found another large and relatively empty room, inside he spotted someone at a large Grand Piano. "Sirius?"

Sirius didn't respond, he had his eyes closed as his fingers moved across the keys, pressing them with a skill James had never even known he possessed. His face was peaceful, he even had a tiny smile on his lips as he played. The song was bitter sweet as James stepped up behind him, the music fascinated him and he stopped to simply absorb the fact that although he and Sirius had been friends for a long time, he actually knew almost nothing about him.


	26. Chapter 26

AN: Wow...this is getting rather twisted, lol. Anyways, hope you're still enjoying, I loved writing this, I adore dark Sirius...and after everything he's been through he can't be expected to retain much of his sanity now, can he? :) Loving the reviews still, you wonderful people are my reason for writing. Thank you.

_**The mouth of the Just shall meditate wisdom,**____**And His tongue shall declare judgment. Blessed is he who endureth temptation,**____**For once he hath been tested, he shall receive the crown of life. – Lillium (English Lyrics) Elfin Lied OST.**_

Sirius' eyes opened slowly, his head was full of music and he gazed down at the old piano, his hands faltered and finally fell away from the keys, he looked at them for a while before feeling arms surround him in a comforting embrace. "I'm sorry." James whispered softly. "I had no idea...never any real idea of what you have suffered."

"...James...Do they haunt you too?" Sirius turned his head so he was gazing up at James at a strange angle.

"What is it?" James whispered.

"Ghosts..." Sirius replied gazing around the mansion with dark, heavily lidded eyes. "The ghosts of a dead man." He stood and stepped out from behind the piano. "I didn't mean to give you those memories, James. I only wanted to give you my love, my heart...I'm sorry."

"No...no it means I can understand you better. Before all this...I never had any idea of what it was like to live surrounded by hatred and abuse...I never even tried to understand, for that I'm sorry."

Sirius shrugged. "What does it matter? My family never loved me, my mother used to watch as my father beat me for misdemeanours, I remember how large his fist was..." He trailed off and walked the length of the room before standing before a huge portrait, with a wave of his wand the dust fell away to reveal a tall, beautiful woman with a head full of thick black hair and cold grey eyes which studied them closely. "She used to stand there and listen to my screams, my pleas for help. The belt hurt, especially when he used the buckle end. But I could live with pain what I couldn't live with was the fact that she never stopped him. She watched...all she ever did was watch." Walburga Black had indeed been a beautiful woman, but she was cold, even James could see that. "But now, now I've used Dark Magic I'm wandering..." Sirius looked up at his mother and touched her feet. "Will you ever be proud of me, mother?"

Walburga's face tightened, she looked at James carefully, studying him. "Why would you ask this when stood behind you is the spawn of a traitor? I know what you have done, Sirius, and it is not enough to redeem yourself."

Sirius' fingers tightened into fists, leaving behind long white scratch marks in the paint, his face twisted into an expression of pain and anger. "You know why I left, dear mother?" He hissed, his eyes filling with tears.

"Because you were such an ungrateful brat..."

"No...I-I left...I left because you would never love me...not like you did Regulus. Everything I ever did...it was never good enough for you, was it? Even during those times I tried! I tried so fucking hard to please you...yet all I ever got was scorn! Why? Why do you hate me?"

"Because you fell in love with a Traitor." Walburga said, eyeing her son with disproval. "You refused to be joined with someone of good breeding, you spurned your chance to redeem yourself by leaving your rightful place as head of this noble house. Sirius, you have no right to call yourself a Black. You are and always will be worthless, the shame of our ancient family...the traitor to that pure blood that runs through your veins."

Sirius took a shuddery breath and stepped back from the huge portrait, with his eyes on his mother he lifted his wand. "I have always hated you, mother, I still have no idea why I tried to make you love me. You know...all I ever wanted from you was a smile, even a pat on the head? Any sign of affection, any sign that you ever cared about me would have made me more obedient, but no...no whatever I did, from working my arse off at school to going to the stupid family meetings in my proper dress robes it was _never _enough for you."

Walburga sneered. "Affection and love is for the weak, Sirius. I thought you stronger that this, obviously I was wrong. Destroy this portrait if you wish, but remember that I still live elsewhere...maybe you could try to reconcile these things with my real self, but do not expect a kind welcome."

Sirius was numb to the tears flowing down his cheeks as he gave his wand a casual flick and the picture went up in flames. James watched the woman within burn before turning away and seeing Sirius falling to his knees with his hands shoved into his hair, he was sobbing uncontrollably. James could feel his emotions as if they were his own, so he knelt and embraced him, stroking his hair and humming softly. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "Sirius, I love you. I love you so much."

Slowly Sirius raised his head and looked into James' hazel eyes, his smile was weak and watery but he leaned in and kissed James softly. "I know." He muttered with a soft sigh. "I know you do."

XXX

Remus was sat in the darkness of the house he had once shared with Sirius, it was still full of his stuff, the only thing missing was his bike which Hagrid had. He gazed at the long line of photographs on the mantle peice above the fireplace, they moved around, waving and smiling, children of a long distant past before any of them really knew the truth of the dangers of war and the terrible grief of loss. He sat down on the sofa and buried his face in a cushion as he fell backwards on it, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. His scent still clung to the cloth, it made him recall those eyes, that smile, that wonderful bark-like laughter and before he could stop it the tears had begun to fall.

Remus had no idea how long he lay there, sobbing into a pillow that smelt of Sirius, but something changed in the room, slowly he sat upright and looked about him. There was a shadow in the corner of the room, he blinked and got his wand out, pointing it at the figure as it stepped into the light. "Dumbledore!" Remus exclaimed, sounding as if he had socks stuffed down his throat. "Wha-What are you doing here?"

"I have come to tell you something, this may come as a shock to you Remus and what I say must never leave this room...do you understand?" Dumbledore said gravely as he sat on a seat opposite Remus who nodded. "Firstly I have some cause to believe that James Potter is not dead."

Remus felt his heart expand, his eyes widened and a smile began spreading across his face. "R-Really? What makes you say this?"

Dumbledore's face remained grave. "I am certain that for some reason Sirius Black performed one of the darkest spells known to Wizard-kind...the night after the Potters died I believe that Sirius performed a ritual that pulled his friend back from beyond the veil."

Remus frowned, trying not to scoff. "But Dumbledore, there is no spell that can reawaken the dead."

"There are no spells that are in any book, scroll or any written form that can raise the dead, no. However, certain families retain reams of historical knowledge through word of mouth alone...much of this knowledge are spells, spells we have long forgotten yet the most ancient families have not. Understand, Remus, that Sirius is the direct descendant of an ancient line of purebloods who can probably trace their history back to the time of the four founders, in him at least a portion of Salazar Slytherin's blood runs, we cannot comprehend the true powers of a Pureblood born to this kind of magical knowledge."

"But how? How is this even possible?"

"I can only guess, I would say that it would be similar to the creation of a Horcrux, one would have to tear off a peice of their living soul to help bind the dead soul to this plane, in doing so the person who is brought back would be changed, James Potter will not be the man you knew...nothing is certain in this dangerous branch of magic."

Remus frowned. "What is a Horcrux?"

"It is a dangerous and dark form of magic, a person seals his soul within an object to keep it safe so that even if his body dies the remaining soul will live on. I suspect that Sirius has torn off a peice of his soul and bound it to James' to keep it in this realm."

"B-But...how do you tear your soul apart?"

"Through acts of violence...you must murder to shatter the soul."

Remus' eyes widened. "You think that...that Sirius used Peter's death t-to bring James back?"

"It is a possibility." Dumbledore sighed and gazed around the room. "I pity him." He said softly.

"Why? It's because of him that James died in the first place, its because of him that Lily is dead!" Remus snapped.

"Ah, but you see Sirius is little more than lost soul, he has been starved of affection all his life, he has been subjected to the kinds of abuse no single human being should have to go through, he has been surrounded by hatred and pain for as long as he has been alive...of course he would form such passionate and strong attachments to those who show him even the tiniest bit of affection."

Remus digested that for a moment before slowly looking up at Albus. "You mean that...that he gave Lily and James to Voldemort because he was jealous of the fact that James had a son and wife?"

"It is a possibility."

"That's madness..."

"It is, but Sirius is not entirely sane, he never has been."

"He tried to have a child murdered!" Remus whispered, he felt horror and anger fill up the place where Lily and James had been in his heart. "He tried to kill them to keep James all for himself..."

"I do not think Sirius will see it like that, Remus. Remember, he is little more than a scared, lonely child residing in the body of an adult, I doubt he would even think that he did anything wrong. We should pity him, it is not his fault he is the way he is...it is those who should have loved him and given him the affection he craved who should be to blame."

But Remus found pity impossible, he only felt that sick, blind rage filling every particle of his being.

XXX

James had no idea how long he had been stuck in the mansion but one day he got so tired of seeing little more than walls he went outside.

Sirius walked through the mansion, calling for James, his voice echoed hollowly around the old place but he got no answer. Finally he went to the entrance hall and saw the door open. "No..." He muttered and ran for the door, almost as soon as he stepped beyond the safety of the walls the spells around it fell. His eyes widened as he came to an abrupt halt, there was something wrong...he looked to the trees and saw shadows creeping towards him. Slowly he began to back away, his eyes darting back and forth but he knew he was too late, he spun on his heels and saw that the door was blocked by several Dementors. "No..." He moaned backing rapidly away from them. They glided towards him, following the scent of his terror. "No...please..." He lifted his wand, his hand shaking uncontrollably. "Please..."

"Sirius!"

He turned to see James struggling in the arms of an Auror, he kicked and fought but he didn't have his wand. "James!" Sirius was surrounded, no way of escape and the Dementors were closing in on him, he could feel them sucking the light out of the day and drawing in all his terrors, all hope left him and he knew he was done for. His wand arm dropped to his side and he swayed on the spot.

James watched in horror as a Dementor loomed up behind Sirius who seemed so small in comparison, hands reached out from the rotted cloak and closed around Sirius' arm, the other hand grabbed his head slowly pulling it backwards. He heard Sirius whisper his name. "Sirius!" He struggled but the Auror bound him with magic so he fell to his knees, he could do nothing but watch.

_James lay cold and dead on the carpet, there was no blood, no sign he had been hurt, only that his eyes were open and gazing blindly up at the ceiling..._

"...No...No...Please stop..."

"_Useless Bloodtraitor brat! How dare you speak to me in such a way..." Her hands were claws, her nails ripping his cheek open, hot blood poured down his cheek. "You will marry her, even if it kills you! Do not shame our family by refusing, you do not have a choice, boy!"_

"_No!" Sirius screamed furiously, she slapped him again, harder._

"_How could you do this to me? How could you? What have I done to deserve such a disobedient, useless child?"_

"_You made your mother cry?"_

"_She made herself cry! I will not marry, you cannot make me!"_

"_You will regret that, Sirius." Orion's fist hit him in the stomach, his ribs made an ominous crunching noise, he tried to catch his breath but Orion was too fast, he was slammed brutally into the wall where he slid down to the floor as his knees gave way, his vision blurred and he could taste blood. "You will die alone, Sirius, you are no son of mine. No one will ever love you..."_

_And he must have been right, because he had made so many terrible mistakes, he had hurt his best friend, his lover, he had destroyed friendships...he had murdered..._

He tried to keep his jaw closed, even as that rotted hand attempted to prize his jaw open, but he could feel the cold in his bones, the fight was being sucked from him with each terrible death rattle from the creature holding him...he opened his eyes and looked into its maw, his body went limp as he realised how useless everything was...it was all pointless...there was no hope, never any hope...he felt darkness encroach on his brain, numbing him to everything, his wand fell from limp fingers as Sirius Black sank into his nightmares...

XXX

James couldn't even scream as the Dementor tipped Sirius' head back, it appeared that Sirius had fainted, James struggled with his magical bonds. In his desperation he began wishing for a wand, any wand, he fought...The Dementor had managed to open Sirius' mouth...James gasped, his eyes widened... "SIRIUS!" He screamed as loud as his lungs would let him. The Auror at his side kicked him but not before something shot out of the brush and hit James in the hand, he grabbed it. It was a smooth stick of wood and with a jolt he realised he had summoned Sirius' wand, without thought he released himself from his bonds, with ease he conjured his singularly happiest memory...

_Sirius lay on his bed, even at twelve James couldn't help but admire his looks, he was attractive, there was no doubting that. He smiled as he moved towards the boy on the bed, he leaned down and looked over his shoulder. "What you readin'?" He asked and Sirius jumped, a small sound of shock escaping him as he turned to find himself nose to nose with James, after a second he smiled. _

"_Utopia by the Muggle Thomas More..." Sirius replied, leaning closer on instinct, his smile was soft and gentle and his head tipped to the side slightly. He had marked his page with his thumb as James leaned over him grinning. "Why?"_

"_No reason, I hoped it was something interesting..."_

"_I have The Imp Prince if you want me to read you a story..." Sirius said and James nodded, without a word he climbed into bed beside Sirius and curled up as Sirius rummaged in his bedside draws and withdrew another book, he opened it and began to read with James' head resting on his shoulder._

_James could feel nothing but pure happiness, neither boy even considered that reading to each other was weird, it was simply something they did and the fact that their legs were wrapped around each other and their hands entwined beneath the covers would remain unacknowledged by either of them, all they needed was each other, so long as they had the world didn't matter..._

Sirius felt a sudden warm gush of wind, his eyes sprang open and revealed an intense silver light, he winced and felt himself released. His head swam but he could see a huge stag standing before him, its eyes were soft as it lowered its head, Sirius smiled weakly and lifted his hand to touch those huge antlers. "Prongs..." he whispered before darkness claimed him.

XXX

It was dark and cold when Sirius came around, he was lying on a stone floor and the silence pressed in on his ears. Slowly he blinked away the nightmares and forced himself into a sitting position, someone had dressed him grey prison garb, the robes were old and frayed and patched. He looked around himself as saw that he was in a cell of some kind, it was small and had bars across the door, he crawled over to it and gripped them as he gazed out at a long corridor. "H-Hello?" He croaked into the dark. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

He heard something moving far off, the sound of footsteps echoed down the corridor and suddenly a door creaked open revealing a bright light. He coward against the far wall, shielding his eyes against the painful light as someone rattled some keys. "Black, visitor." A gruff voice said and Sirius slowly lowered his hand to see a tall dark figure standing by the door.

"Albus." He whispered, his throat as dry as a desert. "A-Albus...what...what's going on?"

"You are being kept here ready for your trial where the Minster will decide your fate..." Dumbledore said softly, his face slowly came into focus and Sirius cleared his throat.

"Where's James?"

"He is safe." Albus gazed down at the man in the tatty robes, his long dark hair fell against his shoulders and framed his pale, bruised face. His captors had treated him roughly, but he was alive which meant that the Headmaster could get some answers. "Now Sirius, I want you to tell me everything, down to the tiniest detail, I am here to try and help you but first I need the truth. Did you really tell Voldemort where to find Lily and James?"

Sirius shook his head. "No...no I swear it! I would die rather than betray my friends!"

"Then who? Who did it, Sirius? You were there secret Keeper, only you could have told Voldemort where to find them!"

"I wasn't." Sirius curled up in a ball, he wrapped his arms around his knees and gazed at the floor. "It's all my fault, Dumbledore..."

"I thought you said that you were not the Secret Keeper?"

"No...I wasn't. I refused to do it in the end, because I thought...I thought I would be the obvious choice...I was so stupid! It was so obvious who the spy was!"

"Tell me everything, from the beginning..."

Sirius began speaking, he recounted how he had refused the job of Secret Keeper, he told him everything right up until the murder of the muggles. "When I was about to kill him Peter moved, it was fast I wasn't expecting it...I was so angry...so grief stricken that I was blind...He blew himself up and took all those muggles with him...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Everything is my fault! I deserve to be punished! But please...Albus...I'm begging you, don't let them give me the kiss!" He scrambled to his knees and grabbed hold of Dumbledore's robes. "Kill me! I'd rather die that suffer that."

"Sirius, you know full well that no one can kill you."

Sirius licked his lips and released the old man. "So...so you guessed then?"

"I did."

"I-I...I didn't...I didn't mean to...I wasn't thinking and I...I wanted James...I can't live without him."

"You turned him into a Horcrux."

Sirius glanced away, guilt filling his eyes. "I had no choice."

"We are always given choices Sirius." Dumbledore sighed softly. "What you have done is a sin against nature, it should have been impossible, no one should play with such great powers...not even you."

"It worked though." Sirius whispered, he was gazing into a corner. "It worked, he's alive now."

"Creating Horcruxes is what destroyed Voldemort, it is the thing that made him inhuman...if you continue down this path it will destroy you."

Sirius looked at him and narrowed his eyes. "I will not feel remorse for this." He said quietly, his voice rasping in his throat. "I'm glad I did it. I am glad that James is alive...I won't take it back and you can't make me."

"You will destroy yourself." Dumbledore said sadly.

"Like I care." Sirius leaned back against the wall, his eyes glittering behind his fringe. "I would die a thousand times over if that was what was required to keep James alive."

"I know...and that is what makes this so sad." Dumbledore sighed heavily, his blue eyes sparkled sadly behind his glasses. "I will make sure you are cleared of the charge of murdering Pettigrew and those Muggles, but I cannot allow you to have your freedom in regards to your other sin..." he turned but paused at the door, he looked back at Sirius who was resting his head on his knees. "Who was it, Sirius? Who did you murder to keep James alive?"

Slowly Sirius lifted his head, his face was twisted in pain. "Bellatrix..." He said without emotion.

Dumbledore looked shocked. "Lestrange? How?"

Sirius' smile was wonky. "I told her I had a secret to tell her...she followed me out of curiosity and I killed her in the bushes of a park...left her body disguised as a rose bush...you'll find it if you go there, it's pure white."


	27. Chapter 27

AN: This chapter may seem a bit jumpy but it's because it has some major time skips, I don't put them in because it would be time consuming and frankly, very boring as nothing really happens. :) But, this chapter DOES have smut. Enjoy and thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews, you're all brilliant, awesome people. X

"_**My grief lies all within, And these external manners of lament Are merely shadows to the unseen grief That swells with silence in the tortured soul" – William Shakespeare**_

"All Rise for Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement; Bartemius Crouch."

Sirius watched all the attendees stand as a man entered, he had a perfectly straight moustache, his hair was parted directly down the middle and he had a stern hard mouth that told Sirius he was going to be difficult to convince. His eyes moved around the large, circular courtroom, he spotted Dumbledore sat beside Mad-Eye Moody, at his other hand was James who was chewing his lip nervously. Sirius smiled slightly, glad to see James alive and well. Once Crouch had sat down the others followed suit, Sirius glanced around himself, taking a note of the faces, everyone looked curious, some looked confused and others simply looked indifferent, Sirius wasn't sure how he rated his chances so he turned back to the front and tried to ignore the freezing presence of the Dementors waiting for him outside the courtroom. He took a shuddery breath, the chains wrapped around his arms were heavy and he could hardly move.

"We are here to witness and pass judgement upon one Sirius Orion Black the third of his name." Crouch began, reading from a sheaf of parchment before him. "He has come here accused of the murder of Peter Pettigrew..." He paused as there was a desperate sob from the crowd, a small plump woman was being consoled in one of the lower benches, another woman was patting her gently on the arm as she passed her a tissue. Sirius recognised her as Peter's mother. "...And no less than twelve Muggles on the first of November this year." Crouch gazed over at James and Dumbledore. "It has been proven that he is innocent of the crime of passing information to Lord Voldemort." There were whispers and people began glancing at James who frowned but made no other sign he noticed the whisperers. "Now then, Sirius Black, how do you plead to such charges?"

James watched Sirius intently, his body language was all wrong, he showed no sign of nerves, of fear or even distress. He sat there as if he were sat in a throne, his eyes were heavily lidded as he gazed up at Crouch with an insolent expression. "Not guilty." He said softly, his voice soft and dignified.

"We have heard several witness statements that you were seen in Tottenham on the first of November pursuing Pettigrew, is this not so?"

"It is."

"Then what, may I ask, were you doing there?"

"I was hunting." Sirius smiled slowly, revealing pointed teeth. "I had every intention of murdering Pettigrew that day, it was the only thing in my mind. I was under the impression he had partaken in the murder of my best friend and his wife...I was grieving and full of anger." There was a groan and the sound of more sobbing, Sirius glanced at the woman making the noises and for a second his eyes softened with what could have been pity.

"And what did you do when you found Pettigrew?"

"I shouted his name, he turned and began accusing me of betraying James and Lily to Voldemort..." Sirius sneered. "He lied. I was never their Secret keeper, if I had been none of this would have happened...if I had been _I_ would be dead at the hands of Voldemort and James and Lily both would be alive, with Harry."

"I see..." Crouch frowned, he looked forbidding as he gazed down at Sirius, the hate in those cold eyes was obvious and Sirius knew he could only rely upon Dumbledore's evidence to save him from the Dementors kiss. "Is there anyone to back up your statement?"

"No." Sirius said reluctantly, yet he held his head high. "Only my word, on my honour I swear I had no part in Pettigrew's death."

"Men such as you have no Honour." Crouch hissed before shuffling his papers, Sirius bared his teeth but he caught James' swift movement as he shook his head and he desisted. "What happened after Pettigrew made these...allegations?"

"I was about to kill him but he got there first, there was an explosion and I was blown off my feet...when I recover I go to the crater and see his finger there. I cannot help but laugh, the irony was undeniable...Pettigrew _cheated_ me of my revenge, he killed himself so as not to face my, or his masters wrath." Sirius was leaning forward slightly, his eyes narrowed with a fury that was almost palatable, his silver eyes glittered behind his fringe as his lips peeled back from his teeth. "He was a coward!"

"Is this what you believe?" Crouch insisted.

"I saw his lips form the words, I was _feet_ from him!"

"Very well then, I call a character witness for the defence; Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore." Dumbledore stood and bowed before making his way down to the stone chair where Sirius was bound and helpless. "You can vouch for this man?"

"I can. I taught him at Hogwarts, he was a talented, intelligent student and eventually grew to become a fiercely loyal friend. Sirius Black may have been a troublemaker at school, but he is ultimately a good man, I cannot believe that he would willingly betray such a devoted friend as James Potter, he loved Harry as a son of his own...He was not leaking information and I believe that in this instance he is not guilty of Peter Pettigrew's death either."

"We have only your word on this Dumbledore, he is a trickster...blood will out, as they say." Crouch said, gazing at Sirius shrewdly. "He is as black as his name, even I am able to see that...at school, did he not almost have a boy killed?"

"That was an accident, a childish prank gone wrong and in the end no one was hurt, Severus Snape was unharmed."

"I hear that was not due to Black but to his friend." Crouch looked at James who stood.

"I too can vouch for Sirius." He said to a sudden up-rush of mutters. "He has been my friend since we first met at eleven, he has always been loyal and as devoted as any I could have asked for...He didn't kill anyone, he is innocent! As for the incident with Snape all I can say is that Sirius regretted it afterwards, he had no wish to hurt him."

Crouch returned his eyes to the watchers. "Now we shall vote...all those who believe this man to be guilty of thirteen counts of murder raise your hands."

Sirius gazed around the spectators, he watched as less than half raised their hands. Relief flooded him like a wave and he slumped in the chair and lowered his head, the Dementors would be denied their feast...for today at least. He smiled behind a curtain of ebony hair, and almost chuckled.

"Very well, we find the defendant not guilty." Crouch rose from his seat and everyone followed as the chains binding Sirius to the chair unravelled. He rubbed his wrists and stood as James vaulted the barriers and embraced him tightly, pushing long fingers into his hair and kissing his temple.

"Thank Merlin." He whispered.

"Indeed...for a minute there I thought I was doomed. Thank you...for sticking up for me."

"I couldn't do anything else."

Dumbledore walked over to them as people shuffled past talking softly to each other, he stopped and looked gravely at Sirius. "We must talk, you and James both."

XXX

Dumbledore's office was as it always had been, with tiny silver instruments puffing and whirring away on tiny tables and the sleeping portraits of the previous heads surrounding the round room. Dumbledore sat down behind his desk, offering a seat to Sirius and James who sat down with him. "Now, I would ask James how much you know about what Sirius has done to you?" he began slowly, his fingers resting against each other to form a triangle.

"Well...I know that he gave me a peice of his soul to bring me back from the dead..." James said he glanced at Sirius who sat with his head bowed.

"Dumbledore..." Sirius began, he looked up with a pleading expression.

"He has the right to know." Albus said.

"...But..."

"What is this?" James frowned and looked from Sirius to Albus and back again. "What are you not telling me?"

Sirius winced. "It..."

"The night he brought you back Sirius not only committed a great sin against nature he also created a Horcrux."

"A...what?" James looked confused.

"A Wizard can tear off a peice of his soul and place it in an object or living creature, this will ensure that if he dies his soul will live on..."

James' eyes widened. "I'm...I'm a..."

"James...I'm sorry..." Sirius whispered, his head hanging low. "Please Albus..."

"I have no doubt that immortality was not Sirius' intention, I truly believe that he created you purely for the love he bears you, however, he has still made both you and himself almost impossible to kill. You are both unnatural, everything must die and if you two are not careful this bond could destroy you. Sirius, Lord Voldemort was no longer human, admittedly he did push this farther than even you have and his intentions were not so pure, but I warn you both to be wary...I would prefer to keep you close so that I may watch you." As he spoke his eyes remained on Sirius who closed his eyes.

"I understand." He whispered softly.

"By shattering your soul, for whatever reason, you have made it unstable and this could have dire consequences. Please, I ask you to stay where I can watch you, and stay hidden."

James frowned slowly. "What about Harry? What about my son? I was going to talk to you after the trial...when can I get him back?"

Dumbledore sighed and closed his eyes, his face was full of grief and slowly James' face morphed into an expression of horror. "I am afraid that for now, Harry is safer with his Aunt and Uncle...I cannot allow you near him."

"But he's my son..." James whispered, his eyes wide beneath his glasses. "...How can you stop me from seeing him?"

"When Lily died, she died to protect Harry, by doing so she left behind a protection so powerful that Voldemort and his supporters will be unable to touch him so long as he resides with the blood of his mother...I am so sorry, James, but if he leaves this protection every Death Eater still at large will hunt him and not even you will be able to stop them."

"...I-I...I'm his father! Please, Albus...You can't leave him with those Muggles!"

Sirius watched the exchange with a frown. "You...you left Harry with Muggles?" He said softly. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Sirius, he is safer with them than any Wizarding family."

"He's safer with his father!" James snapped. "He will grow up with the warped ideals of Vernon and Petunia Dursley! Lily's sister is mad! She hates Magic! I met them once, her husband is just as bad...he insulted me! He said that I was little more than a Muggle Magician!" His eyes flashed as his anger overcame him. "Harry is better off being brought up by his true family! By me! I can give him all the knowledge he needs to grow into a good wizard and a good man..."

"I am sorry James, it is Lily's blood I needed to complete the spell...There is nothing more that I can do."

Dumbledore was firm, there was no arguing with him so James left the room and slammed the door behind him, Sirius stood to go after him but Albus stopped him at the door. "Sirius, I ask you not to allow James to alert Harry to his existence, no matter what, the rest of the Wizarding world must remain ignorant to what you have done..."

Sirius looked back at him. "You expect me to keep James from seeing his own son? Hell, I want to see him grow! I want to be a part of his life as well...how can you be so cruel?"

"I am not doing this out of spite or cruelty...what you have done should be punished by a life sentence in Azkaban, but I did not speak of this to anyone else, and James will not here about the cost of his return from my lips..."

"But still, he isn't going to be stopped with words..."

"No, but you have the power to stop him, he will listen to you." Dumbledore's eyes glittered and Sirius' narrowed to slits.

"Are you saying that you will tell James that I murdered someone if I don't try and keep him from Harry?" He said in a low and dangerous voice.

"I said nothing of the sort, but If that is what it will take then yes...Sirius, it is imperative that Harry Potter is convinced his father stayed dead that night. If he ever discovers what you did do you think he would ever wish to see you or speak to either of you? It is kinder to have never known you had a father than to know the sins of your family."

Sirius bit his bottom lip before sighing and closing his eyes. "I owe you for not speaking to James about Bella's death...he won't want to know that he was brought back at the cost of another life...but that is the only reason I am doing this." Without another glance he turned back to the door and opened it. "I only hope you're right." He whispered and walked away.

XXX

Sirius and James both set up home together in a small cottage in the countryside, Dumbledore kept a close eye on them using a portrait who had a painting both at Hogwarts and in another place where Dumbledore had removed her and placed her on the wall in their cottage; When it was up the woman smiled down at Sirius who shot her a sullen glare before walking away.

Their life together was quiet, James hardly spoke at all, he spent the majority of his time gazing out the windows and sighing as he thought of his son. His heart ached and if it wasn't for Sirius continuously trying to draw him out of his melancholy with soft kisses, gentle whispers and touches, he would have left and hunted for his son. Instead he let Sirius draw him out of himself, he let himself be seduced by his lovers voice and hands until he could hardly think of anything but his body.

The cottage itself was light and airy, the rooms small but cosy and the kitchen they hardly seemed to use. Sirius used magic for everything, it was second nature for him as he had been forced to use magic at home when he was a child, he remembered being told off if he tried to use Muggle ways to clean or cook or even open a bottle. He had been beaten until he now used magic as a first resort, James was used to it so he said nothing when Sirius made them tea with a single wave of his wand, or when he opened the curtains in the morning with a wave of his wand, the patterns in which he had grown out of while living with Remus who called him lazy for doing it, he now fell back into with ease.

James watched Sirius and sometimes he would catch him gazing out of his window with dark eyes as the sun rode through the sky, the clouds drifted over head and the trees on the hillside waved. He wandered what his lover was thinking but he never asked, Sirius was reluctant to break the odd silence that had fallen between them and for months the only time they spoke was in the darkness of their only bedroom.

XXX

For years they lived beneath the watchful eyes of Dumbledore's portrait, for years they lived together and barely shared a word, for years they spoke only through their bodies when the darkness was there to cloak their pain.

XXX

The two of them had the occasional visit from Dumbledore from time to time but other than that they were left to their own devices, so long as they never left their prison they were left alone. Food was delivered by house elves and even they left once it had been put away in cupboards. Sirius felt as if a collar had been placed around his throat, and slowly but surely it was tightening and soon he would choke to death...suffocating beneath the chains of his imprisonment. James seemed little better off, they would sit upon their sofa some days and James would gaze longingly out the window, his eyes full of grief as he thought about his son and all he was missing.

One day James stood in the kitchen looking at the calendar. Sirius stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. "...I missed his sixth birthday." He whispered hoarsely.

Sirius rested his head against his shoulder blades and closed his eyes. "I know." It was all he could say, he still felt the heavy weight of his guilt whenever he thought about what he had done, it was partly his fault that James was missing Harry's development, it was partly his fault that he had missed his first words, his potty training, his first drawings...so many firsts and Harry would be convinced that his father was dead.

One day, when Harry would have been turning seven they received a visit from someone they had not seen for nearly as many years. Sirius opened the door and found himself face to face with Remus. There was silence as the two men gazed at each other, Remus looked tired and ill, his mouth was set and his hair was greying in places but his eyes were bright and full of sorrow and guilt as he looked at Sirius.

"I'm sorry." Remus whispered.

Without thought Sirius dragged Remus into the house, embracing him almost too tightly, his hands fisted in that soft brown hair and his face buried in his shoulder. "I missed you." He breathed.

Remus felt his heart hammering in his chest, for seven years after discovering the truth from Dumbledore he had spent debating whether or not he should see them. He was terrified of the reception he would get but he was also afraid of what he would feel when faced with Sirius. When those familiar arms surrounded him he closed his eyes and felt an explosion of joy in his chest, and he knew that no matter how much he tried he could never, ever stop loving him. He embraced his friend back, his hands shaking as he inhaled that familiar and comforting scent. "I'm so sorry Remus." Sirius whispered, his voice breaking as he fought his emotions. "What I have done is unforgiveable...what I accused you of is..."

"Shh...It's over, Sirius." Remus replied, breaking the embrace and holding his friend by the shoulders so he could look at him properly. "Wow...you haven't aged a day..." He said, his face falling into a frown. "Is it because..."

Sirius nodded. "We won't age now, Remus." He said. "We're stuck...like a fixed point in time. We won't age and unless someone kills us both at the same time we won't die either."

"Sirius who...?" James appeared around the corner, his glasses perched on his nose and a book in his hands, when he spotted Remus his face lit up in the biggest smile Sirius had seen in the years since they had been forced into hiding. James dropped the book and ran to Remus, jumping on him and yanking him roughly into an embrace.

"Remus!" James exclaimed happily, he laughed as he embraced his friend. "It's been so long! I've missed you old friend!"

Remus smiled brightly, the expression wiping his face of premature lines and making him look years younger. "Aren't you going to offer me some refreshment, Prongs?"

"Ah! Of course, how rude of us. Come inside, make yourself at home..." James hopped up and down as he ran off to prepare tea. Sirius watched him go with a soft expression as he closed the door with his foot and put his arm around Remus.

"So...tell us what you've been up to." He said as they sat down and James entered with a random assortment of mugs steaming with hot tea. He added sugar for Sirius who took his and blew on it with a smile that seemed to fill him with an unfamiliar warmth. He sighed.

"Not all that much to be honest, I have been going from job to job, trying to keep myself afloat...finding them is difficult...but I get by." Remus thanked James for his tea and James threw himself down beside Sirius and slipped an arm around his waist, he dragged Sirius closer and he curled his feet beneath him and leaned on James with a happy smile.

It was as if all the intervening years had never happened, it was as if they were kids again sitting around in their house and laughing happily. They reminisced about their school days, they spoke of the trials and the pranks, they spoke of happier times, and for the first time in a long time James and Sirius felt free again.

"Do you remember the time you put those fireworks in all the girls loos?" Sirius said and he grinned as Remus flushed pink.

"You made me do it." He said indignantly.

James laughed loudly. "Yeah, but you came up with the idea, it was so good we gave you the honour of doing the task yourself...come on, admit it Remmy, you enjoyed it."

Remus smirked. "Alright, maybe I did, but don't tell anyone."

"We swear, Moony." Sirius and James said in unison.

Remus giggled. "You always freak me out when you do that...It's like you were supposed to be twins or something."

They looked at each other and Remus saw how happy Sirius was, James' hand moved up his thigh gently and their noses touched. "Well, that would make what we're doing very wrong." James purred.

"Wrong but perhaps more thrilling." Sirius lifted an eyebrow suggestively.

Remus watched expecting to feel jealousy, yet he found that although there was a slight pang of pain Sirius' smile overwhelmed it. He smiled to himself as he watched Sirius kiss James tenderly and realised that no matter how much he loved Sirius, as long as James was around he stood no chance, but it was for the better and when he saw how happy his friends were the pain didn't matter anymore.

Evening entered and the three were sat around laughing, Sirius was lounging on the sofa, his long legs thrown across the arm of his chair as he hung upside down. His cheeks were going red as Remus laughed at a memory of James turning himself bright neon yellow in their first year, a tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away as he bent double, desperately trying to control the laughter. It was useless as Sirius, who was in hysterics also, slid ungracefully off the sofa and onto the floor.

Finally Remus left, he promised to visit again and when he had gone James turned to Sirius just as he closed the door and slammed him roughly against it. Their lips met in an intense kiss. With a shock like electricity Sirius felt a swooping sensation deep in his gut as James trapped both his arms above his head. Finally he pulled away to breath and smiled as he nuzzled his neck. "I love you Sirius..." he whispered and Sirius groaned heavily as he felt the hot trail left behind by his lovers tongue. "I have a plan...do you want to hear it?" Sirius was almost incoherent, James' talented fingers were working on the front of his jeans as he pressed his obvious erection into his palm eagerly.

"J-Jamie..." He gasped and slammed his head into the door.

"I'll take that as a yes..." James chuckled, nipping on Sirius' ear and drawing a pleasing growl from him. He turned him around and pushed him roughly into the wall. "Now, I want to go see my son..." He said as he opened Sirius' jeans. "I know where Petunia and Vernon live...but we need to be able to escape without alerting Albus to what we're doing..."

"Oh holy shit...Jamie!" Sirius cried as he felt James' fingers around his cock.

James chuckled against the back of his neck, enjoying the way Sirius was thrusting into his hand. "Now, to be able to escape notice we'll have to do some magic..."

"Nnn..." Sirius pressed his forehead against the door, both hands still trapped above his head in one of James', pleasure swamped him, obliterating all sensible thought.

"I know that you've been told to stop me, but I also know that in the end...if it came right down to it you will put my needs before Dumbledore's and even your own...so, will you help me? I need your power Sirius...we need to be able to trick Dumbledore into thinking we're still here..." Sirius gasped in a sharp breath as that hand tightened around him, he let his eyes drift closed. His finger nails gouged lines into the paint of the door and he felt that hot coil twist deep in his gut. James leaned closer, panting slightly as the noises Sirius made sent heat straight into his groin. "Please...Sirius, help me..." He whispered into his lover's ear.

Sirius opened his eyes, he arched his back as he felt his orgasm hit him with the force of a train. "Yes!" He hissed through his teeth and he felt James chuckle happily against his throat.

"Knew you would do it, Pads." He kissed that sensitive spot behind Sirius' ear as he felt his body sag against him, he smiled deviously into Sirius' hair.


	28. Chapter 28

AN: Another rather interesting chapter, I enjoyed this one, I couldn't see James letting his son go easily so I wanted to make them do a little rule breaking. Hope you enjoy. (Just so you know, I change pov's back and forth here, hope it's not confusing, if it is, please let me know.) Thanks again a million times over for your reviews! Love them as always.

"_**Children see magic because they look for it."**_

"Harry! Harry! Get up! You're Uncle wants you to mow the lawn!"

Harry opened his eyes and uncurled himself from his nest in his cupboard beneath the stairs, he sighed and rubbed his eyes. He had that dream again, the one with the flash of bright green light and those screams, he had no idea what it could be but it disturbed him.

When he had changed and had a meagre breakfast while his fat cousin pigged out on a full fry up with a second helping of bacon, he ate and excused himself before cleaning the table and washing the plates and going to get the heavy lawnmower. It was summer and he had just turned seven years old, not that he had celebrated it, to everyone else in the house it was just another day.

Outside he got the mower started and it roared into life, the thing was so heavy he could hardly move it. He struggled, kicking up grass under his feet as he pushed...

XXX

Number Four Privet Drive was a stuffy, perfectly square house with absolutely no personality. When Sirius saw it he sneered, James was at his side as they crept stealthily through the bushes and undergrowth of the opposite house, they were lying on their fronts after making sure that the occupants were out. "What kind of place is that? These Muggle's must be the epitome of boring!" Sirius whispered and heard James snicker. They saw the door open and James fell silent, a small, very skinny boy had come out dragging behind him a heavy contraption. He dragged it onto the perfectly square lawn and pushed something, it suddenly roared into life, Sirius jumped half a foot and almost blew the thing up before James pushed his wand arm back down forcefully. They looked at each other, Sirius grinned guiltily and James scowled. They turned their eyes back to the boy...

XXX

The sun was high and hot as Harry wiped sweat from his brow with his arm, he frowned furiously, completely unable to get the mower to move an inch. After a good long while of trying he collapsed and sat down heavily. He looked up at the sky, it was cloudless and as blue as sapphires. As always he wished he could leave, he closed his eyes and began wishing he could fly...like a bird; just sprout wings and fly up into the sky and away from his cruel Uncle and Aunt, away from his bully of a cousin...when he opened his eyes he had the strangest feeling he was being watched.

Harry sat up straighter but all he could see was the usually boring square houses, with their square bushes and square cars...he narrowed his eyes as the bushes in the house directly opposite rustled. He climbed to his feet and began moving towards it, but, before he could reach the street he heard laughter and turned to see his cousin Dudley with his friends. He groaned inwardly as they looked up and spotted him, Dudley grinned maliciously his jowls wobbling as he reached Harry.

"Dad told you to mow the Lawn." Dudley said. "I don't see you mowing."

"It's heavy." Harry replied. "And I was about to..."

"About to? That's not _doing_ it though is it?" Dudley's friends all laughed as if he'd said something funny, Harry sighed and turned away but a big fat hand gripped his arm and swung him roughly around. "Where you goin'? We were talking to you!"

"I was going to-ooph!" Harry doubled over as his cousin's fist connected with his stomach, he crumpled like origami in the fist of a giant.

XXX

James saw the fat boy grab his son's wrist and he watched in numb horror as Harry was punched in the gut, he began scrambling to his feet but Sirius dragged him firmly back down. "Don't." Sirius whispered. "Just watch..." He grinned and changed into Padfoot, James smiled gratefully, a stag would look extremely suspicious on a muggle suburban street.

Padfoot leapt from the bushes, a snarl on his face as he ran across the road towards the struggling boys. Harry was beset by all of Dudley's friends as well, he was pinned down as Dudley kicked him repeatedly in the side. He half opened his eyes, which watered in pain and saw the huge black dog leap at one of the boys, forcing him to the floor. A low, forbidding growl left its throat as it turned and snapped viciously at the legs of another boy, they screamed and ran. Then the dog turned on Dudley who went as pale as curdled milk and began backing away. Padfoot's hackles stood on end, he hovered over Harry with his head low and his ears flat against his head, slowly he stepped forward, his eyes locked onto his prey. Harry watched the dog in fascination, he was used to strange things happening around him, sometimes he would do unexplainable things but this was very odd, he had no idea why a strange dog would come along and try to protect him.

Suddenly Dudley stumbled, something in the dog snapped and he began barking furiously, his tail up high as he snapped at Dudley's ankles who screamed and ran for the house, the dog in hot pursuit. Suddenly Harry heard his Uncle Vernon shouting, he leapt to his feet ignoring the pain in his ribs and shouted; "Dog! No!" He watched as the dog stopped and turned his head, his tongue lolled between his teeth and suddenly his body language changed. He gave a low woof and bounded over to Harry, who found himself pushed back to the floor and a hot, wet tongue sliding over his face as the dog licked him, wagging its tail happily. He woofed again and gazed down into Harry's eyes. He had grey eyes, almost silver and there was an almost human intelligence to them, slowly Harry lifted a hand and ruffled his ears affectionately. "Good doggy." He said and smiled. Somehow he felt strange around this creature, almost as if he _knew_ it...

Sirius barked loudly, and the door to the house opened. "What in the blazes is going on here?" Uncle Vernon called furiously. "A dog!"

Harry watched as his Uncle grabbed a brush and ran out into the garden, wielding it like a sword. The dog jumped away from Harry, he began growling again and barking. Harry almost laughed as Vernon chased it around, it zigzagged and dodged his flailing swipes easily. Finally when Vernon was tired out, it ran back to Harry, gave him a last lick and disappeared off down the road.

XXX

Back in their cottage Sirius and James lay in each other's arms, Sirius resting his head on James' chest. Both of them were covered in a fine sheen of sweat and both were smiling, Sirius began kissing his way slowly down James' chest, lapping at the skin as his fingers found James' in the dark. "Mm...Siri?" James whispered, running his thumb gently over the pad of Sirius' hand.

"Yes Jamie?" Sirius replied, not bothering to pause in his sensual ministrations.

"Thanks for today...I...I was going to rush out there myself and blast those kids to smithereens..."

Sirius chuckled roughly. "I noticed, which is why it was better that I go out there as Padfoot...You know...I reckon Harry recognised me."

"I doubt it, he was a year old when you last saw him."

"I know...but a man can hope..." Sirius smiled as he reached James' belly button, he nuzzled his flat stomach and nipped at the skin playfully, James giggled and pushed Sirius' head away, dragging him upwards so they could look into each other's eyes.

"Siri, I want to meet him. I want to spend time with my son..." James said leaning in and kissing him softly. "Help me."

Sirius melted. As James' tongue teased his he shivered. "I'll do anything...anything for you Jamie."

"I know. You've been such a good boy, I think you deserve a reward..." He smirked as he rolled Sirius onto his back.

XXX

"_This_ is your idea?" James asked, gazing into the cauldron with distaste a month later.

"Yes. It's the only conceivable option...for you at any rate. I have another potion."

"What are you planning?" James looked at Sirius suspiciously.

"Well, I am going to take a potion that will make me regress to a child, on the outside at least. You will take Polyjuice potion and disguise yourself as another child as you and Harry both look exactly the same, the resemblance would be suspicious."

James grinned. "You are brilliant, Sirius." He grabbed him and pulled him close, they kissed slowly for a while before James pulled away with a small smile. "Then what?"

"Then we'll 'bump' into dear Harry and get to know him a bit, hopefully we'll make him trust us before we begin to teach him a little about our world."

"I knew there was a reason I loved you!" James muttered and Sirius chuckled.

XXX

Harry was sitting on the grass in the front lawn, he didn't usually get much free time but the Dursley's had left and he was taking full advantage of his freedom, even if it was only for an afternoon. As he lay on his back gazing up at the clouds and seeing what shapes he could spot, he heard a sudden gale of childish laughter. Slowly he sat up and saw two children racing each other down the road. As they drew nearer Harry saw that one was a tall boy around his age with shoulder length hair as black as jet, he wore a very strange shirt with billowy sleeves and tight black trousers, the other boy was shorter with a head full of curly brown hair and freckles across his nose. They stopped dead when they spotted Harry, the taller one smiled, he had eyes as silver as a knife and again Harry got the distinct impression he knew him.

"Well hello there." The boy said, moving forward and holding out his hand. "The name's Sirius Black." His smile was strange, it was friendly but there was an odd darkness to it that put Harry on edge, yet he took the hand and shook it anyway.

"Harry Potter, It's nice to meet you erm...Sirius."

Sirius' smile turned into a grin. "This is my friend James...Lupin..." He said, Sirius made the name on the spot, he only faltered a little as he had tried to avoid introducing him as James Potter.

"Hi." James stepped forward and shook Harry's hand, he was gazing at him with an odd intensity that Harry found unnerving. James gazed at his son, close at hand the resemblance was scary, he suddenly wanted nothing more than to wait until the potion wore off and tell him everything. He wanted nothing more than to take his skinny son into his arms and hold him. He never wanted to let go. It was too much, he opened and closed his mouth, knowing he looked nothing like himself but wishing, wishing so desperately that he could turn back time and take him off of the muggles, he wished he had had the guts to defy Dumbledore and take his son, to raise him and love him...

"Erm...what's wrong with him?" Harry asked Sirius who was looking at his friend with a deep sadness.

Sirius turned to Harry and smiled. "He's fine...he's just shy. So, what you doing? You want to play?"

"Oh...oh...really?" Harry's green eyes widened in shock, no one had ever asked to play with him before...

Sirius chuckled and took his hand. "Yes, we're sure. Come on Harry, do you have a bike?"

"No...I'm not allowed one."

"Not allowed...!" Sirius' grey eyes widened and the boy at his shoulder looked oddly angry. "That's ridiculous! Come on, we'll find some." Sirius grinned and dragged Harry off by the hand, James tagged along behind him. Harry was shocked at Sirius' forwardness, but he felt as if he could trust these two boys, boys who he had never met before, boys he seemed to feel a connection to. "You know what? I reckon you've got it hard." Sirius said, his eyes searching the houses. "This place is boring, there's nothing to do...maybe we should teach you how you can have fun without Mu-parents..."

"I...I don't have Parents..." Harry muttered as he let himself be dragged down the road.

Sirius looked sideways at him and smiled. "Neither do I." He said and grinned. "Come on, hurry!"

They never did find any bikes but Sirius spun around and began walking backwards. "So, what do you do for fun?"

"I...I dunno...I just...use my imagination I guess..."

"You play pretend?" Sirius seemed to consider a moment before smiling deviously. "Ok, then let's do that. Harry, do you believe in Magic?" Sirius whispered gazing at Harry with wide, bright silver eyes.

A strange thing seemed to happen as Sirius spoke, the sky darkened as the sun was blotted out by the clouds and Harry felt his skin prickle. "No...everyone knows Magic doesn't exist."

Sirius smirked and stopped dead in his tracks. "You sure?" He said and suddenly he disappeared with a pop. Harry gasped and spun around to see Sirius leaning on his friend and smiling. "Who told you magic doesn't exist, Harry? Whoever did is lying to you."

"H-How...?" Harry gasped, his green eyes wide with fascination and more than a little fear.

"Play pretend...what would you do if there _was_ such a thing as magic?" Sirius walked towards him and leaned close, inspecting him through his fringe. Harry realised how old fashioned he looked, his hair, his clothes and even his face made him think of his history books with all those strange pictures of child princes who died very young. Suddenly Sirius jumped onto a low concrete pillar, he was perfectly balanced as he stood there with his hands on his hips. "If you could do anything at all, go anywhere...what would you do?"

Harry thought. "I think...I think I would like to leave..." He spoke slowly with a small frown on his face. "I would make Dudley do stupid things, and make other people make fun of him instead of me." Slowly a smile spread across his face. "I'd like to make some friends too..."

Sirius' smile widened. "Now that we can do for you. We'll be friends Harry, don't you worry about it...Who is Dudley?"

"My fat cousin...he bullies me."

"I see..." Sirius looked at James who smiled. "Then, let us deal with him..."

As Harry spent time with the two boys he came to feel safe, for some reason when he looked at Sirius he felt as though they had known each other a long time ago. Odd things kept occurring to him, like when Sirius laughed he felt a shiver down his spine and saw puffs of smoke in his mind's eye...a stick held in a soft, warm hand that created the smoke...

"Harry?" Sirius was watching him from where he was standing on a swing, one arm lopped around the chain. "What are you thinking about?"

"Magic..." Harry sighed and slumped backwards onto the grass, Sirius hopped down from his perch and sat down at his side as James copied him. "Does it really exist?"

"It does." Sirius said slowly, his smile was soft and his eyes glittered. "Do you want to see something cool?"

Harry sat up and nodded. He watched Sirius pick up a stick and hold it, he watched in fascination as it turned into a snake, the snake wrapped itself around Sirius' wrist, its tongue tasting the air. "W-wow!" Harry whispered, he reached out and touched the serpent, it slithered onto his hand and wrapped itself around his wrist. Sirius smiled as he watched Harry admire his handy work. "It's...it's really real?"

"Really, really real." Sirius replied with a grin.

Harry gazed at the snake and it lifted its head. _"Who are you?"_ It said and Harry almost dropped it.

"Wh-what?" He exclaimed, glancing at Sirius who didn't seem to notice that anything strange had happened. He looked back at the little white snake, it had dark eyes like little pieces of jet. "D-Did you just talk?"

Sirius heard the sounds issuing from the boys mouth, his eyes widened and he jumped to his feet backing off a few paces. James looked at his son in horror. "What did you say to it?" Sirius asked in a quavering voice.

"What? I just...I just asked it if it talked...What's wrong?"

Sirius gazed at Harry, his eyes glittering. "You spoke to it...You can speak to snakes..."

"Parseltongue..." James whispered, his throat as dry as a desert.

Sirius shook himself mentally and pushed away his shock, he knelt and moved closer to Harry with a frown. "You shouldn't be able to do that, Harry." He said as he lifted Harry's face up to look him in the eyes, gently he stroked his hair back and saw the scar, that little lightning bolt marring the smooth skin, he ran a finger down it slowly. "There's only ever been two people who have been born with that gift..."

"Who?" Harry asked softly, captured by those eyes.

"A man...a man called Salazar Slytherin and another...But for some reason you have that gift too...it's best you don't tell people, it's not...it's not a very good idea to let people know about certain things. Do you understand Harry? Don't tell anyone."

Slowly Harry nodded and Sirius reached out and let the snake return to his wrist where it morphed into a silver bracelet. "Some of us can do things...things normal people will find strange...but then there are others of us who can do things many people think is evil...that's why we don't advertise certain gifts."

"I...I think I get it."

Sirius grinned. "That's good." He stroked hair from Harry's face. "You have nice eyes...kind eyes."

"Erm...thanks...?"

"It's a compliment." Sirius stood and James followed him reluctantly. "We should go now...we'll see you again, Harry, I promise."

And, right before Harry's eyes the pair of them disappeared with a pop. Harry gaped at the spot they had stood with wide eyes before shaking his head and standing, with a small smile he began making his way back home.

XXX

"Parselmouth!" James exclaimed as they reappeared in the cellar of their little cottage, Sirius stepped up to him and covered his mouth with a frown.

"Shh!" He hissed. "The portrait."

James shoved him away. "My son...my son is a Parselmouth! Just like Voldemort..."

"And? So what if he is? It doesn't mean he's evil." Sirius muttered, slowly stripping from his child's clothes. "In much the same way that I have done some magic that is considered evil...but I brought you back. It's perspective...Calm down James, he seems like a good kid." Sirius smiled and stroked hair from James' eyes, already it was turning black at the bottom, he lifted a curl and leaned close, pressing his lips against James'. "Hmm...Is it weird that even in a child's body I still find you irresistible?"

"It is weird, Siri." James replied, his voice becoming deeper as the potion wore off. He striped quickly as he slowly began to grow. Sirius folded his arms across his chest and watched James turn back into an adult, when he had he opened his eyes and found himself looking down at seven year old Sirius. He smirked. "I won't be kissing you until your potions worn off...I would feel creepy."

Sirius laughed and seemed to glow softly, he shot upwards and his hair grew longer, his fingers lengthened and his face became much more mature, yet he retained that sparkling childishness in his eyes. Finally Sirius was stood before James as naked as the day he was born and smiling. James grabbed him and kissed him, pushing his hand into the hair at the back of his neck, his other hand ran up his spine and he smiled into the kiss when Sirius shuddered. "Thank you...for giving me the chance to meet my son."

"Like I said, I would do anything for you."

XXX

Sirius woke lying at James' side, he opened his eyes and gazed up at ceiling. He lifted his hand and touched his cheek, when he drew it away his fingers were damp, he sighed and closed his eyes again, running fingers into his hair as he remembered the nightmares...

They were always the same, flashes of lights, screams, blood, gore...all of it running through his head as he remembered the war. Eventually he slipped out of bed, taking one last look at James who still slept soundly, he smiled weakly before standing and walking down the stairs. Sometimes, when the dreams became too much he would go downstairs and look through all his photograph's and recall the days before...the days he had been innocent. This time it was impossible. The darkness he was forced to fight each day encroached even further, he could hear the screams so clearly it was as if he was in the centre of one of the battles...he could feel the blood on his hands, he could see the dead eyes gazing at him accusingly...With a shuddery sigh he stood and went to kitchen, he withdrew a bottle of firewhiskey and uncorked it with his teeth.

XXX

James woke alone, he walked down the stairs, rubbing his eyes sleepily as the dawn peeked in through the windows. He wondered where Sirius had got to but when he entered the living room he saw him curled up on the sofa, a half empty bottle hanging loosely from one hand and scattered photo's across the floor. Some were torn, others burnt...most of those were pictures that had included Peter.

James knelt by his side, he gently extracted the bottle from his fingers and smoothed hair back from his eyes. "Siri..." He whispered, "I'm sorry..." He stood and picked up a blanket, he threw it over his friend and sighed, pushing fingers into his hair. He knew why Sirius barely slept, he understood, because the same nightmares haunted his sleep too. He could see the same dead eyes, he could still hear the screams, but Sirius was obviously having difficulty coping...but what had they expected? They were Soldiers, it was what they had signed up for and thoughts of his son and Sirius and Remus were the only things holding off his own darkness. "We were too young..." He said to his unconscious friend. "So young and naive...We thought it would be easy, we convinced ourselves we were immortal...but we weren't...It was too easy to forget that life is so precious. Sirius, I know."

Sirius opened his eyes and saw James stood above him, he smiled and rolled onto his side, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "...Immortal? We are now." He said quietly.

James smiled weakly. "Not completely."

"No, but near enough. Jamie?"

"Yes?"

"Do you...do you hate me?"

"What for?" James knelt back and took Sirius' hand as he sat up on the sofa.

"For doing it...for turning you into a monster."

Slowly James smiled. "No. I can't hate you, Siri. I understand and I think, in your position, I would have done the same."

"Do you think that...things could have been different?" James asked as he pulled himself up beside his lover.

Sirius leaned on his shoulder. "Maybe...If we hadn't got involved maybe it could have gone differently, but Jamie, could you honestly say that you would have kept out?"

James was silent a moment. "No...you're right, I couldn't have just sat back and watched."

"I could have." Sirius snuggled his head against James' neck. "I would have been more than happy to watch the fight play out, but you wouldn't have so I followed. I wanted to die at your side."

"And now we have no choice." James smiled and lifted Sirius' face to his, they kissed slowly a moment. "Now we really will have to die together, or not at all." James chuckled.

_**END NOTE: Just a forewarning; I am working along the lines that Harry's life is pretty much canon, the events in the books WILL happen to him, only he may have a pair of pretty guardian angle's looking out for him this time. ;)**_


	29. Chapter 29

AN: Ok, this is a little filler chapter, mainly to give myself a chance to do a little planning but also to give you all an insight into Sirius' past, to explain why he is like he is and to fill out some of the hints I have given in previous chapters as to the type of abuse he suffered. There is also a little joy in there, but not much. Thank everyone for your time and I am so happy that you're enjoying this story. This humble author is pleased by your wonderful reviews. Ps, I really, really enjoyed writing the tutor scene (below) I don't know why but I see Sirius as having had a very strict Victorian style pre-schooling in his own home...it just struck me as appropriate. :) As usual enjoy and I always love hearing from you, my eternal thanks.

_**What is past is prologue.**__**  
**__**- William Shakespeare**_

The drawing room was hot and silent as nine year old Sirius sat behind his desk, as usual his tutor stood before him holding his cane and gazing down at him through rounded spectacles. His dark grey hair was neatly oiled back from his face to reveal his rather pointed nose, he pursed his lips as he watched Sirius write carefully, his quill flicking as he concentrated on forming his letters.

"Good, now add a tail..." Sirius finished his fifth line of a's and looked up for instruction. His tutor took the parchment and inspected the still wet ink shrewdly. "Another twenty lines." He said and handed the parchment back. "Then we will begin our Pureblood History lesson."

"Yes sir." Sirius bent his head again and poked his tongue through his teeth as he tried to straighten his writing. After what seemed like forever he finished his last line and proudly put his quill back into the ink, he looked up at his tutor who once again inspected his students work.

"You could still use a lot more work on your cursive, young man. But that must wait, your parents insist you need instruction on the history of the Purebloods." He cleared his throat. "Clear away your paper and pens and we will begin."

Sirius completed that task with little fuss before reseating himself and folding his hands on his desk, he gazed up at his tutor with those wide silver eyes and waited in silence.

"Long ago, in the days of the founders of Hogwarts, your great family came into existence. These were times of great unrest, the Muggles and filth contaminating our purity were trying to destroy us and the wizards of pure lineage were slowly being driven underground. We were hunted and cursed, all because Merlin, heralded as the greatest of our kind, brought in laws which outlawed retaliation from Wizards against muggles. We were forced into hiding, forcing the four founders to found their school beyond the knowledge of all those who would wish us harm. They managed this endeavour as friends, but eventually uncertainty began to wheedle its way deep into their friendships, breaking what had once been a great bond. The greatest wizard of them all, Salazar Slytherin, came to dislike Godric Gryffindor's insistence that they should teach all magical children rather than just those of the pure bloodlines. This division eventually degenerated into a duel, which ended in the outcast of Slytherin and his eventual estrangement from those whom he had once called friends." Sirius frowned slightly and raised his hand. "You have a question?"

"Yes sir, um...why was Slytherin against teaching Muggle born children?" He asked, only innocent curiosity in his eyes.

His tutor frowned disapprovingly. "Why do you think, Mr. Black?"

"B-because...because he didn't like them..."

"Wrong, boy." The tutor slammed his cane down onto the desk, making Sirius jump and flinch. "He had no wish to further dilute our blood, he did not wish these...thieves of magical knowledge to destroy our way of life. Imagine, being forced to..." He sneered. "Breed with these impure creatures...it is frankly unthinkable."

"But surely if someone is born with the ability to perform magic, they can't be responsible. How can one's birth affect their personality? I would have thought that it wouldn't matter what someone was born but more what they were like when they were grown up..."

"You would be wrong, yet again." The tutor frowned. "You see, there is a belief amongst our kind that there were certain Muggles who stole our knowledge and began to use it for their own gain, these people hunted us, they feared us and became jealous of our powers, coveting them for their own. Muggles, boy, are evil, jealous creatures who lack a soul." He turned to a large stack of books and picked a heavy tomb from the pile, he put it down before Sirius who gazed at it. "This is a book written by one of your revered ancestors, it gives an accurate description of all the atrocities that Muggle's have committed against us. Read it all by the time we see each other again."

"Yes sir..." Sirius peered curiously at the title_; Deformis mundo Muggle scriptor, compositum per Cepheus Black._ Sirius frowned at the title and looked back up at his tutor. "Sir, I can't read Latin very well..."

"You will have to learn then, I have been teaching you the classics..."

"Ancient Greek, Latin and French sir."

"Indeed. You should be competent enough to read this, if I discover that you have been slacking I will inform your parents and you will receive thirty lashes across the wrists."

"Yes sir, I'm sorry sir." Sirius lowered his head.

"Tell me what the title says."

"The u-ugly world of muggle's composed by Cepheus Black."

"And who, exactly, was Cephus Black?" His tutor walked back and forth, his grey robes flowing behind him as he paced.

"Cepheus is my great-great uncle on my mother's side, twice removed." Sirius said in a dull monotone, as if chanting something off by heart. "He was brought to fame by his outspoken views on muggle rights and how, in his opinion, they should have been tagged and made slaves to us."

"Excellent, boy, excellent. And why was he eventually hung?"

"For doing such. He enslaved several Muggle women, he mutilated several of their men and used them for labour, while the women became his whores. If one became pregnant he would despatch the woman while she was still carrying the unborn infant."

"Very well put indeed, child."

"Thank you sir." Sirius muttered.

"And what did his sons do after his death?"

"They went into hiding sir, as many of our kind were hunting them for the suspected murders of several muggle children."

"Very good. I must say that I am impressed with your memory, your mother will be sure to hear about this."

Sirius couldn't help but feel a little glow of pride at the thought and he found himself sitting a little straighter...

XXX

"Mother! Mother look! I received top grades in my final exams this year!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly as he thrust the parchment with the Hogwarts seal beneath her nose.

Walburga took the paper from his hand and gazed at it with narrowed eyes, finally she shoved it back at him. "Your brother has done better and he is a year younger than you."

"But...But Regulus is in his first year, those exams are easy. McGonagall asked me to do an OWL practice paper just to see if I could and I managed to get an Exceeds Expectations!"

Walburga looked at him over her tea cup. "And what does this prove, child?"

"That I...That I..." Sirius saw her cold eyes and lowered his head, his result papers crumpled in his fist. "That I will endeavour to do better next time." He said in a whisper.

"You will, your father and I will not have you disgrace us by getting worse grades than those Mudblood's at that infernal school...if only your father had listened to me and sent you to Durmstrang we never would have this whole Gryffindor issue."

"I..." Sirius bit his lip and hid his face behind his hair.

"I wish that we could get you re-sorted, this is frankly disgusting that a member of our family has managed to get themselves into the wrong house..." She sighed and Sirius heard the tinkle of her tea cup against the saucer. "Sirius, get me some sugar."

"Yes mother." Sirius removed his wand from his pocket and closed his eyes, concentrating with all his might. Maybe he could impress her with silent spell work. He summoned the sugar cubes...

"Sirius!"

His eyes flew open and he saw that she had a lap full of sugar cubes. He bit his lip and stepped backwards. "I-I...I'm sorry..."

"What in Merlin's name were you thinking, child?" She shouted, rising to her feet and towering over him. "Clean this up, this very instant!"

Sirius did as he was asked, he waved his wand and the sugar rose, staking itself neatly on a nearby plate. When he had finished she grabbed him by the scruff of his robes and dragged him from the room, he found himself stood before the door to the pantry. "You will stay in here as punishment, you will not get any food until I deem you ready to leave, understand?"

"B-But..."

"No excuses! You are little more than a filthy, useless squib! I am ashamed to have birthed you! Get in there and think about what you have done!"

Sirius was pushed roughly into the pantry, his wand was taken from him and the door slammed shut. He heard the iron bar slam down, locking him in the darkness for an unknowable amount of time. He took a shuddery breath and sat down on an overturned bucket, he curled in on himself and buried his head in his knees as he felt a violent upsurge of grief and terror. Tears poured down his cheeks and he fought the urge to sob, if his mother heard she would lock him up for even longer and he despised the dark.

XXX

The Great Hall was bedecked in bright orange and black hangings, it was all hallows eve and Sirius was dressed in his smartest dress robes. They were a deep emerald green, almost black with silver accents on the sleeves, covering half his face was a mask of beautiful peacock feathers and he stood with a golden goblet in one hand as he leaned against the wall and watched the dancers. The band stood on a low platform where the teacher's table usually stood and they played with flutes, fiddles, pipes and bodhrán.

Sirius watched James dancing with a girl, he was feeling happily tipsy from the firewhisky they had managed to spike the punch with. He smiled as he watched James spin a girl around, his black and gold dress robes flaring around his feet. He was a very good dancer, his feet were light and he moved with more grace than he exhibited while walking. A woman's voice floated above the music, it was light and made Sirius think of blazing fire's and girls spinning around it in dresses of green and yellow. He smiled to himself, humming absently along with the tune. Finally James bowed to the girl and walked back to Sirius, he snatched his drink from his hand, breathing heavily and grinning happily as he adjusted his golden mask with his free hand. "So, anyone asked you to dance yet?" He said breathlessly.

"A few..." Sirius replied, taking his drink back. "You dance well for a bloodtraitor." He said with a smirk.

"Say's the guy who defied tradition by getting sorted into Gryffindor..." James replied, nudging him gently in the ribs. "Why haven't you been dancing?"

Sirius shrugged. "I just don't want to."

James raised an eyebrow. "Why ever not? Dancing is fun."

"Yes, unless you were forced into it by parents who think that your social status resides solely on whether you can do _estampie_ or waltz."

"You impress me sometimes, Mr. Black...go dance, show off your skills." James grinned and gazed around the hall. "There, she's looking at you, go ask her to dance." He pushed Sirius forward after once again relieving him of his drink. He stumbled slightly but regained his composure, he decided that he would show James up for doing this so he bowed and took the girls hand.

"Would you like to dance?" He asked smoothly.

"Oh! Yes...I would love to." The girl smiled as she let herself be led onto the dance floor. The music was rhythmic, Sirius moved through the steps smoothly, guiding the girl through the medieval dance steps and he felt himself smiling.

James watched with a grin as he downed Sirius' drink and grabbed another, Sirius' feet moved with a skill and elegance no one else seemed to be able to match, the dance was old fashioned but a crowd had come over to watch. Sirius kept one hand behind his back, the other he lifted to touch the girls as they passed each other, they turned and moved back towards each other again. The dance steps were precise, it was if it had been invented purely to retain the dancer's chastity and James found that hilarious, he giggled as Sirius once again barely touched the girl's hand. In the background a man was playing a lute and another kept beat with a drum.

Finally the dance ended and Sirius bowed again, kissing the girls hand before moving through the applauding crowd back to James' side. He grinned. "Embarrassed, Potter?"

"Not at all, I concede graciously to your obvious skills. You can dance, Black, but do you have any other hidden talents that I should be made aware of?"

"Ah, I have many, many talents, my friend." Sirius smiled mysteriously and took James' drink from him. "I may be only fourteen but I know many things that your parents neglected to teach you."

"I would like to see some of them sometime."

Sirius only smiled, it was a sad expression but James was suddenly distracted by a girl in white, he missed the softening of Sirius' eyes as he gaped at Lily Evan's who stood across the hall speaking to Remus.

XXX

"You don't understand..." Sirius muttered into his pillow, he could see his Uncle's shadow against the wall.

"Very well, explain then." Alphard said softly, sitting beside the young teenager and looking intently at his back.

"It's _her_ fault! She hates me."

"I doubt that..."

"She does! How do you explain this?" He sat up and showed his uncle the huge curse wound on his shoulder, it was a livid pink mark and had horrible bruising surrounding it.

"She was angry, Siri...apologise and she will forgive you."

"Apologise?" Those lovely silver eyes narrowed furiously. "Apologise for what? For accidently dropping my knife? Never! She will die before I ever apologise for that."

"Sirius, calm yourself...this isn't helping anyone. Here..." He lifted his wand and pointed it at the wound, it healed in an instant but there was a scar on his perfect skin. Sirius was topless, his slim chest exposed to the candle light and his hair hanging into his eyes. Alpahrd ran his hand gently over his shoulder and down his chest, Sirius shuddered, his eeys darkening slightly as he watched his uncle's face intently. "Now then, is that better?"

"Kiss me and I'll see." Sirius whispered softly.

Alphard chuckled and leaned forward. "Such a cheeky child, perhaps you deserved your mother's wrath after all..."

"Maybe I did call her a cow and throw my mashed potato at her face." Sirius smirked. "But she called me a squib."

"Ah, I see...Now I understand why you were punished. If you stopped insisting on winding her up I am sure she would warm up to you."

"That's the biggest lie you've ever told me...but...if you kiss me I might apologise."

"Very well then." Alphard leaned in and pressed his lips to his nephews, who opened his mouth to receive his tongue. He slid his arm around that skinny waist and dragged him closer, he moaned softly before pulling away before he took things too far again. "Now, go to her and apologise like a good little boy."

"I'm not a little boy anymore, Oncle. I'm eleven and I'll be going to Hogwarts this September."

"I know you will, but just do as I ask."

"Alright." Sirius slid off the bed and gazed at his uncle intently. "Do you love me, Oncle?" He asked in a soft whisper.

"Of course I do! Sirius, you're my precious little nephew, how could I not love you?" He smiled as he stroked hair from Sirius' eyes gently.

Sirius smiled. "I love you too, Oncle." He skipped out the room leaving Alphard alone, he bowed his head and pushed fingers into his hair. His self control became weaker each time he saw his nephew, he was growing into a beautiful young man and it tore at his heart that one day his parents would marry him off to some girl to have children and start a family of his own. It hurt him to have see him grow up, yet the older Sirius got the harder Alphard found it to stop his kisses from becoming more heated, it was hard to prevent that terrible flush of desire from searing his skin as he kissed his nephew. He knew that Sirius could not understand that they should not be kissing like that, but he neglected to explain that. He had been working on him since he was small, and so Sirius now believed that their relationship was normal. Guilt weighed him down heavily, he hated it. He despised what he was becoming, what he was doing, and yet he could not stop.

Sirius returned and crawled into his uncle's lap where he closed his eyes, resting his head on his thigh and smiled happily like a kitten with cream. "She hit me again." He said and almost purred as Alphard ran his hand down his bruised ribs. "Her nails need to be cut...they're too long." He closed his eyes and smiled as he felt sleep reaching up to claim him. "...Mmm...I like that..." He muttered sleepily as he shifted, causing his Uncle to hiss air through his teeth as he put slight pressure on his groin.

Alphard closed his eyes and tipped his head back, praying for strength...but his prayer's went unanswered and he lost control of his hands. He ran his fingers lightly down Sirius' side, slowly slipping into his pyjama bottoms. Sirius half opened his eyes but didn't move as his uncle whispered soft, gentle things into his ear.

XXX

He was lost. Totally lost. Abandoned in the middle of a muggle dominated city, he felt a stab of brutal terror as he spotted men walking about, eyeing him hungrily. He looked back at the spot his mother had disappeared and felt the vicious sting of tears, he had no choice, he was unarmed and had no way of returning home except by Muggle means...slowly he turned to the old, disused toilet where several men were hanging around by the doors, he swallowed his fear, he swallowed his pride and walked up to them...

It hurt. He felt as if flames were racing through his body as freezing hands gripped his hips, all he could taste was semen and he gritted his teeth as the man behind him moved his hips. He lowered his head, hands gripping the toilet stall tightly as agony lanced into his abdomen, he uttered a strangled moan but managed to keep from screaming. He only knew he was crying because sometimes his tears would blind him and fall to the tiled floor. He could hear other's gasping and moaning around him, the man fucking him was rough and his breath stank of alcohol, Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and began wishing it was over.

His next customer was gentler than the first, he had a nice smile but he was older than Sirius had expected, he also wanted to kiss, which was fine so long as Sirius could delay the eventual act...but it happened eventually and it wasn't long before he got down on his hands and knees and choked on a sob as the man hushed him with gentle hands and words. "Have you done this before?"

"I-I...There was a man...e-earilier...I..."

The man's hand stopped and Sirius couldn't picture his face. "Are you trying to tell me that you were a virgin?" He said in a shaky whisper.

Sirius nodded. "Yes sir."

The man released him and turned him over, he looked into his tear filled eyes and brushed hair from his face. "What on earth are you doing here of all places?"

"I n-need money...to get home."

"You're lost?" When Sirius nodded the man sighed heavily and shook his head.

"I do not have a lot, but what I do have I will give you." He rummaged in his pocket and withdrew a small wad of Muggle money, Sirius looked at it in confusion. "Take it, I don't expect you to give me anything..."Sirius reached a shaking hand out but withdrew it quickly, eyeing the man suspiciously. "What happened to make you so sad?" He muttered and eventually placed the money on the floor, he stood and backed away with a soft smile. "Find your way home, Puppy, and I hope I never see you here again...for your sake."

After he had gone Sirius felt as if a scolding weight had been dropped into his chest, he gritted his teeth as tears spilled down his cheeks and he gazed at the money. Slowly he curled in on himself and leaned against the stall, his chest heaved as he sobbed into his arms.

XXX

The letter lay on the table. Sirius gazed at it with wide eyes. "No." He muttered, he could feel his mother's eyes on him, burning like brimstone. "No...i-it can't be true!"

"It is true. He killed himself last night, Sirius. He left you this."

Sirius gazed at the open envelope and took it with a shaking hand, tears spilled down his cheeks as he saw his uncle in his mind's eye. He gazed down at the letter, written in his neat hand;

_Sirius,_

_By the time you read this I will be dead. I know, it must be devastating for you, my sweet, innocent little nephew, but we all must die eventually...it is only that I chose the manner of my death. I promise you, with every last breath I breathe I am thinking of you and I am so, so sorry for everything that I did to you. I should never have begun what I knew would turn into something so dark and terrible...I am sorry for all that pain I caused you, I am sorry for everything..._

_I have ruined you. I knew that I would...yet I could not control it. You are so beautiful, so perfect, all I wanted was to see you smile. But I shattered that smile when I took it too far. And so, I leave you with only what I can; my entire fortune. It isn't much, but I hope it will help you gain independence. Sirius, Please, please, leave. Get away from this twisted, sick family before it corrupts you as well. I hope you get this and I have only ever wanted one thing...for you to be happy._

_I love you, Farewell._

_Alphard._

Sirius felt his chest constrict, he couldn't breathe as the letter fell from numb fingers and he stumbled backwards into the wall before slipping down it slowly.

"What did he mean, boy? What did he do? Tell me!" Walburga was screaming but Sirius couldn't hear her. He sat on the floor and cried until a sharp, stinging slap brought him back to his senses. He gazed up with uncomprehending eyes. "Boy! What did my brother mean?"

"N-Nothing..." Sirius managed to croak but his mother slapped him again.

"Tell me!" She screamed, her face white as milk and her eyes full of mad grief.

"N-Nothing...M-Mother...please..."

"You! This is your fault! It is your fault he died! You seduced him, didn't you? You wanted his money so you seduced him into giving it to you! Do not deny it! I know you, you are no son of mine! You may as well have murdered him, Sirius, because it is your fault!"

Sirius hitched in a breath and nodded. "Yes...yes mother...I-I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't want him...t-to die! Please! Please don't..." He was cut off by a flash of light as he was slammed into the wall, all the breath was knocked out of him and he collapsed again, clutching his chest and desperately trying to draw in a whole breath.

"You filthy, sick little boy!" Walburga screamed, she looked positively deranged with her hair falling out of its tight bun and he wand in one shaking hand. Sirius coughed into his hand, when he drew it away he saw blood and whimpered as his mother shot yet another curse at him. It hit the wall above his head as he tried to scramble away, sure that this time she would kill him. He felt a hand in his hair as he was yanked back again, he was thrown into the bureau and there was a resounding crack as it shattered.

As her shadow fell across him once again he was seeing big black flowers bloom across his vision, he was hardly conscious as he saw a flash of crimson and screamed...


	30. Chapter 30

AN: This chapter may be a little short, but I wanted to get it out as it took me while to plan and write, but now I'm sure of the direction I'm going in so hopefully they'll be longer and more frequent in future. Please R&R and thank you to all those who have.  
PS: Many of you will know that there has been a new development in FF. Net...they plan to delete all stories containing explicit violence and sexual content, yes, that will include ALL my stories. If you wish to stop this there is a website with a petition on it, if we don't stop it then I am afraid I will be moving to another fanfiction site as I find it outrageous that M rated material only means 'Hinting' when In England Mature ratings are usually given to things with excessive violence/sexual content (18+ Movies.) I am outraged and thoroughly disappointed... :( I honestly hope it does not come to me leaving but I simply will not write children's stories...I am an adult, therefore I write about life (Or...the extremes of life) www. Change petitions / fanfiction – net – stop – the – destruction – of – fanfiction – net (Hope it worked, Copypasta into Browser without spaces.)

_**It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons.**_

Harry gazed down the street, waiting and hoping. He hadn't seen Sirius for nearly a month now and he was worried that he had been lied to and made fun of, but as he sat there, chewing on his bottom lip he spotted two boys walking down the road. With a smile he stood as Sirius came to a halt.

"Hi, Harry." Sirius said in greeting. This time he was wearing yet more old fashioned clothing but his shirt was a pale, sky blue and his boots came up to his calf. The boy at his side smiled, but continued his shy silence, Harry returned their smiles feeling warmth in his chest at the sight of them. "Sorry we couldn't have come back sooner but things get in the way...you know how it is."

"Um...yeah, I guess." Harry wrinkled his nose. "What have you been doing?" He asked curiously.

Sirius shrugged. "Oh, you know...stuff." He said vaguely. "What about you?"

"School...mostly." Harry said miserably. "I hate school."

"School?" Sirius' eyes widened. "Aren't you a bit young to be going to school?"

"No. I started school when I was four..."

Sirius' eyes widened. "Wow! It must be very strange...what school is it?"

"St. Mary's primary...down the road." He pointed vaguely.

"I see..." Sirius looked oddly confused.

"Don't you go to school?"

"No...I erm...I was home tutored. So was my friend."

"What's school like for you?" James asked as he sat down on the grass, Harry sat beside him.

"Boring...we have to learn about history, science, English and stuff...I hate it because no one wants to be my friend..."

"You don't need to worry too much, Harry, we're your friends." Sirius threw himself down, sprawling elegantly across the grass with a big white smile. "What is...science?" He asked curiously, his eyes glittering in the sunlight. James elbowed him in the side and gave him a glare, which Sirius ignored.

"You don't know what science is?" Harry looked perplexed.

Sirius shook his head. "No...I wasn't um...taught the same stuff as you."

"Well, in Science we learn about bugs, we learn about how the inside of the body works and things like that."

Sirius thought about that for a while, he decided it must be something similar to advanced Potions, when you learnt to make healing potions for different ailments you had to know about how the body worked. "I think I understand...but why bugs?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe because they're fun."

"There is that." Sirius smiled and James giggled at his side. "So, where are your Aunt and Uncle?"

"They're inside, they let me have this afternoon to play because I finished all my chores."

"Chores?" Sirius' eyes widened in horror. "How can they make you do chores?"

"Because they took me in after my parents died in a car crash..."

James made a strange movement, he twitched slightly and his hand went to his pocket where Harry noticed a stick of wood poking out the top. Sirius elbowed James hard in the side and he winced. "A car crash? That's terrible."

"Yeah, Aunt Petunia said that my dad was a drunk and he was driving too fast and he...are you alright?" Harry frowned at James who was glaring at the house furiously.

"He's fine...aren't you James?" Sirius said in a meaningful voice, James frowned at him and nodded.

"What happened to your parents, Sirius? You said you didn't have any..."

Sirius smiled. "My mum and dad were awful people, I ran away from home."

"Wow! Really?"

"Yup, James' parents took me in and looked after me."

"Why were they awful? Aren't parents supposed to love their kids?"

Sirius gazed at Harry for a long time, his eyes were full of sadness and as he smiled Harry felt as if he wanted to cry. "Yes, Harry, Parents should always be willing to die for their children. Always. Remember that. I'm sure that your parents loved you very much, In fact, that scar is proof." He reached up and pushed Harry's fringe back, James watched them together and felt a little lost. As far as Harry was concerned they were two orphans. He was grateful for what Sirius was saying, he had no wish for Harry to grow up hating him, even if he thought he was dead.

"How is it proof? And...how did you know I got it in the car accident?" Harry frowned deeply and looked from one boy to the other. "Who are you really?"

Sirius smiled. "We're friends Harry...think of us as...your guardian Angels. You'll find out more when you're older, I'm sure of it, but remember that I know that your father is watching over you, I'm certain of it."

"He was a drunk...he killed my mum in the car accident and nearly killed me too..."

"No." Sirius shook his head and looked grave. "I promise you, whoever told you that has been lying to you. Your father i-was a great man, and your mother was so kind, she loved you Harry...she loved you more than life itself."

"It's true." James said softly, his voice almost breaking as he gazed at his son and he had never wanted to hold him more than now, as those green eyes filled with tears. "I promise you, I-he loves you...even now. He's proud of you."

Harry swallowed a painful lump in his throat and stood up suddenly. "What do you know? You're strangers! I don't even know you...you can't just..."

"We know you...like I said, we're a bit like your guardian angels, we will watch over you and protect you whenever we can." He smiled and cocked his head to the side. "When you get older we'll explain more, it's..."

"...Complicated." James finished softly.

XXX

Remus gazed at the small cottage, it was pretty and obviously empty. He frowned and knocked on the door which swung open on the third knock, his frown deepened and he stepped into the hall.

"Remus, how wonderful to see you."

He turned to see Dumbledore standing behind him, he smiled. "Hello Albus, I just came to see James and Sirius but...but I don't think anyone's in."

Dumbledore's face fell into a frown and he entered the house behind Remus, they searched it from top to bottom and found no sign of the occupants. "Well, well, it seems that they have broken the conditions I set...this is grave news indeed, but not unexpected." They stood in the living room, the small sofa had a blanket lying over it, on the floor was a small pile of ashes and bit of photographs. Remus bent and picked up the half burnt face of Peter, he dropped it quickly as if it was poisoned. Albus gazed down at the pile with a sad expression. "It appears that someone is still bitter about this whole messy business..."

"Sirius." Remus said, knowing that it had been Sirius who had burnt the pictures as there were many of him as a boy in amongst those of Peter. "Only he would burn himself..." He sighed heavily, feeling a creeping sadness stealing through his body. "He's still feeling responsible, even if he never mentions it, he blames himself for Lily's death."

"There is very little we can do to heal those wounds, unless he wishes for it. We can only let him know that we do not blame him and hope that in time he will come to realise that there was little he or anyone else could have done."

"I know you're right, Albus, but Sirius is...he's not the forgiving type, especially when it comes to himself. In his mind he is as responsible as Pettigrew for Lily's death and Harry's loss. Even with James still around he will never, ever forgive himself for refusing to become their secret keeper."

"Well, I hope they return soon, I must tighten the security on this place, Sirius is much more powerful than I first gave him credit for. The old will sometimes underestimate the persistence of youth."

Remus gazed around the quiet little room, it was sparsely decorated but still he could see James' personality in it, there was a pair of jeans lying over the back of a chair, there were pictures of a baby boy pinned to the walls, there was also a broomstick leaning in one corner. Yet he couldn't see anything of Sirius'. It was as if Sirius had been the one to die that night and all sign of his presence had been erased. Dumbledore waved his wand so that a spinning tray of tea and biscuits appeared and he sat down on the sofa, indicating that Remus do the same.

"I have had word, Remus, that there is someone hunting Sirius." He said as he poured them tea, Remus took the small china cup with a nod of gratitude.

"Who?"

"Rodolphus Lestrange."

"Bellatrix's husband?" Remus' eyes widened. "But he should be in Azkaban!"

"He has eluded the Ministry for many years since the death of his wife...he blames Sirius for it so I assume this vendetta is about revenge."

Remus frowned. "How can he blame Sirius for her death? He hasn't seen her since he was a teenager."

"Ah, now we come to the crux of the issue." Dumbledore paused thoughtfully for a moment before speaking again, his voice was soft as he divulged Sirius' secret. "To shatter the soul one must commit murder, if you remember."

"Yes, you told me...wait..." Remus' eyes widened. "Are you...are you telling me that to bring James back Sirius murdered his cousin?"

"Yes. He admitted that to me not long before his trial...I tried to make him feel remorse but some wounds run too deep and Sirius will not let this one heal."

Remus frowned into his tea. "Sirius..." He whispered softly.

"I regret to say that I have every belief that Sirius feels no remorse for this act, he has hated his family for a long time, these wounds have festered and now anything that reminds him of the terrors he suffered he intends to destroy...I only worry that it could have an adverse affect later. He must be kept securely under guard, if not I worry about what he will do. He is a powerful wizard, should he lose his mind as many in his position have done before, he could become a danger even to those he loves."

Remus lowered his head, he felt sorrow well up in his chest. "Does James know?" He croaked.

"I have not told him, and I will not. Some things should be kept a secret...I do not think James would take kindly to the knowledge that Sirius murdered to bring him life."

"No...you're right...But I...I worry, Albus. What if...what if Sirius does something stupid?"

Dumbledore gazed at a wall full of photograph's each one of a little boy with black, messy hair and a big toothless grin. "I think he already has." He whispered as the door opened and the sound of childish laughter filled the house.

Sirius stumbled into the living room but when his eyes landed on Dumbledore and Remus they widened, he looked as if he was seven years old. James stood behind him, now that the potion had worn off he looked as he usually did if a little sadder. "D-Dumbledore..." Sirius whispered and a soft glow surrounded him, slowly he began to grow until he looked adult again. "...This...This isn't..."

"Sirius, do not lie to me." Dumbledore stood and surveyed the two carefully. James stood straight backed and defiant while Sirius looked at his feet. "I warned you both that any meddling will result in possible catastrophe, what does Harry know?"

"I-I...Dumbledore, you have to understand..." Sirius was cut off as James put his hand out.

"I wanted to see my son, to make sure those Muggle's were treating him right. Harry has no idea who I am, I went disguised as a muggle boy." He stepped into the room, sweeping past Dumbledore and smiling briefly at Remus. "He only knows Sirius, and only then as a child...we haven't told him anything."

Dumbledore surveyed James carefully before nodding. "That is well, but I still expressly forbid you two from seeing Harry, and Sirius, I asked you to stop James."

Sirius bit his lower lip. "I had no choice...Dumbledore, James asked me to help, how can I deny him the sight of his son? I couldn't live with myself if I did. So..." He slowly drew himself upright and looked the headmaster directly in the eyes. "Do what you will, Albus. I would die for James, and I hope that I proved that." Slowly Sirius turned to James who looked at him. "Jamie...I have a confession to make..." He said slowly, stepping towards his friend and taking his head in both his hands, he drew their foreheads close and he closed his eyes. "To bring you back from the dead I murdered someone." He whispered, he felt James tense and try to pull away, but he held on. "Jamie...the cost of splitting your soul is murder...I killed my cousin Bellatrix so that you c-could live...I murdered her so I wouldn't...wouldn't feel so lonely...so that I could...ease my own guilt...I-I'm so sorry..."

James took a shuddery breath, suddenly he pushed Sirius away and grabbed him by the shoulders. He looked into those sad silver eyes and felt all his breath leave him. "W-Why?" He muttered, a bite of grief in his voice making it waver. "Why? Sirius, you stupid fucking idiot! Why would you do this? You know I would never have...oh god!" he stepped backwards, his hands shaking as he gazed at Sirius in a whole new light. "You..." He swallowed and ran out of words.

Sirius took a shuddery breath and closed his eyes. "I will never regret the murder." He said as he tipped his head back. "I will never regret bringing you back...if not for myself then for Harry...Be good to him, Jamie and when you next see each other tell him how much you care because living without love is empty..." He turned to Dumbledore. "I know you've been wanting to do this for a long time, Albus..." Sirius withdrew his wand and dropped it onto the floor. "Get the Ministry...you have a Dark Wizard to put away."

"I have only wished for you to be where I can watch you, and if you refuse to do that within the parameters I created you know you will end up in Azkaban."

Sirius nodded slowly, his eyes darkening. "T-the dementors'll love me..." He said in a tight voice, he sounded as if he was going to be sick.

Suddenly Remus stood up. "No!" He said firmly. "Albus, you cannot be thinking of actually handing him over? They won't imprison him, they'll give him the kiss! You know they will! Please, I am beginning you, because Sirius won't, let him go! Let him go a-and trust us to watch him on your behalf! Please, Albus..."

"Remus, it's fine." Sirius said, putting a hand on his friends shoulder. "I...I deserve it...I am a murderer."

"But Bellatrix was psychotic! She was mad..."

"As am i." Sirius chuckled roughly. "Don't deny it, I've always been the unstable one of the group..."

"Yes, but we have always been able to curb it...James, _please_, help him!" Remus turned big eyes on his other friend who was almost as white as a sheet as he gazed at Sirius.

"I..." James looked at Sirius who had never looked so defeated. "I don't...I don't know what to do anymore! My best friend...I trusted you, Siri! I trusted you to have known...b-but now I..." His brows were creased into a frown as he gazed at Sirius' face, a face he knew as well as his own. "...You killed someone...you took a life in cold blood...there was no self defence...it wasn't...it wasn't reasonable force..."

Sirius shook his head slowly.

"You did it...t-to bring me back from the dead...you did it because you were grieving and lonely...you did it for yourself!"

"...And for Harry. If you'd stayed dead he would have grown up totally without parents! I know what it's like to grow up without love and affection, I know what it's like to be surrounded by hatred, James, as long as you live you have the chance to reconcile everything, you have the chance to be a real father to him! With me out fo the way, safely in Azkaban, there will never be a chance that you could die, because as long as I'm alive you can't! Do you understand? I am giving you and Harry the chance to be together, all the sins I have committed are because of this one wish! The world could do without one more mad pureblood, but it needs more love..."

"I am at an impasse it seems." Dumbledore said softly. "Sirius, is it truly your wish to be placed into Azkaban? I have no wish to destroy you..."

The terror was obvious in his face as he nodded stiffly. "There's no other way." He croaked.

"Ah, but there is..." Dumbledore smiled mysteriously.


	31. Chapter 31

Authors Note: Well, this is a bit of fun, I loved imagining Sirius in this role, it was fun. :) Enjoy and love any comments on it, thanks for reading and all your reviews are, as always, awesome.

_**Strict justice would demand total confiscation of your property, personal imprisonment and fines.**_

"That is the worst suggestion I have ever heard." Sirius said matter of factly, he sat on the sofa, his arms folded across his broad chest and a frown on his handsome face. Remus smiled at the reaction, Sirius could be so childish at times it was rather amusing.

"This is our only option, Sirius, it is either that or I hand you over to the Dementor's and you will be destroyed."

James looked up from his tea, his eyes still full of uncertainty. "Sirius, I..." Sirius looked at him, his eyes softening.

"What do you want me to do James?"

"I..." James frowned and looked back into his tea. "I want you to take Dumbledore's offer." He said finally and Remus sighed in relief, he had expected James to be furious with Sirius, but all he seemed to be was sad.

Sirius gazed at James for a while before nodding. "Alright, I'll do it. But you know that Job's cursed..."

Dumbledore smiled slightly. "Indeed it is. But I am almost certain that you may be able to flout these rules, as you do with others."

XXX

Sirius stood outside the cottage in September, his only baggage a simple suitcase. James stood, leaning against the door and they looked at each other for a long time. "I'm sorry." Sirius whispered, stepping closer to his lover and reaching for his face, James flinched back slightly and pain filled Sirius' eyes as he moved away rapidly. "I...I'll be off then I 'spose..." He turned but suddenly felt hands grab him, he was turned and pushed roughly into the wall, hot lips were pressed against his and he couldn't stop the deep moan of desperate longing escape his lips. It was an almost tortured sound that made James gasp as he pulled away, the fingers of one hand tangled into that beautiful long hair.

"Don't do anything stupid, do exactly as Dumbledore orders and please, Padfoot, don't hurt yourself."

"If you ask, I'll do it."

"Thank you...I...I'm sorry...for being distant but it's taken a lot of getting used to and I..."

"Shh, I understand. Jamie, I love you more than life it's self, I love you so much it hurts. We'll see each other this summer, I promise."

"Yeah...and write to me, if you forget I'll send you a Howler."

Sirius chuckled roughly before leaning in and kissing James on the lips. "Good bye, James."

"Have fun, Professor Black."

"Ugh...I'm a teacher...it's a dreadful thought."

XXX

"Alright you useless maggots..." Sirius said as he swept into his classroom, slamming the door behind him and making the class jump violently. People began muttering quietly as he swept between the rows of desks and turned to face them, he smiled deviously and held his hands together. "My name is Sirius Black." He said and listened happily to the mutters about his name, after a moment he silenced them all with a raised hand. "To you little worms, I'm _Professor _Black and don't you forget it. Right, now, seeing as you're all ikle firsties I won't teach you anything too difficult...but first, the register..." He flicked his wand and a sheaf of paper came flying towards him, he gazed down at the list of names there and began reading them out. He was sat in his chair, his legs stretched onto his desk as he read out names, a few he recognised like Percy Weasley but when he saw the kid he thought he looked a little swatty for his liking. When he had finished the register he slammed his boots back onto the floor with a broad grin, enjoying the entranced gazes from many of the girls. "Now then D.A.D.A. broadly focuses on preparing the student so that they may be able to—if such need arises—magically defend themselves against things pertaining to the Dark Arts. This may include: Learning how to block unfriendly spells; and learning how to defeat dark, magical beasts, like the Boggart." He faced the class and eyed them all, they were small and scared looking so he smiled to attempt to ease their nerves. "I won't be teaching you anything too hard, not this year at least, your exams won't cover the really hard stuff at any rate so...There are three main types of spells used in Defence..." he turned to the chalk board and began writing them up, he could hear the scratching of quills and smiled to himself absently. Perhaps he could enjoy being a teacher after all.

After his class he went to the staff room, he had snuck into this room whilst at school, but he had never had a chance to have a good look around. As he poked his head around the corner he spotted McGonagall speaking to professor Sprout and Snape. McGonagall looked up and smiled. "Professor Black, come join us." She said and made Sirius jump guiltily, he smiled and moved into the room. "It is wonderful to see you again, how are you?"

"As well as I can be, Professor." He replied and sat down elegantly, his eyes met those of Snape's and he felt an unconscious sneer on his lips. "Well, well, if it isn't Severus...it's been a while." He said and McGonagall watched the pair warily.

"I see that Dumbledore is losing his wits, to have invited you here Black." Snape replied coldly, his fingers tightening on his goblet.

"Professor Dumbledore was in need, he asked me for a favour." Sirius replied, his fingers fiddling absently with the sleeve of his grey robe. "Of course, I would be more inclined to question what motivated him to employ a known Death Eater...is that not like setting a cat amongst pigeons, having a Death Eater in a school?" He raised an elegant eyebrow and smiled slowly, revealing his sharp canine teeth.

Snape returned Sirius' sneer with interest. "My employment here is none of your business, Black..." He stood and swept towards the door, but as he passed Sirius he leaned down to hiss into his ear. "If I were you, Black, I would watch my back...I do not trust you, I never will...and I _will_ be watching you."

Sirius chuckled and gazed up at him through long, dark lashes. "And why wouldn't you trust me, Snape? I am far more trustworthy than you...for one thing, I do not have a certain..._mark_...tattooed upon my arm." He had lowered his voice so that no one else could overhear him, he watched in satisfaction as Snape grabbed his left arm convulsively and hissed.

"You may not have the Mark, Black, but I know a Dark Wizard when I see one...you have been playing with Magic that could get you sent to Azkaban...as I say; watch your step, _Professor_."

Sirius watched him go with an almost hungry look in his eyes as he grinned maliciously, oh yes, this was going to be a fun year.

XXX

Remus almost spat out his tea. "Well? What do you think? It was...Dumbledore's idea...I...I don't like it..." James muttered looking nervous as he gazed at his friend.

Slowly Remus swallowed his tea and cleared his throat. "Well..." He began, frowning slightly. "The blond hair is certainly...different."

"Different but hideous...what is Sirius going to think when he sees it?" He groaned and pushed both hands into his now brilliantly white-blond hair. "I look like a fucking Malfoy!"

Remus hid his humour. "I would say that Dumbledore is right, James, you shouldn't go around looking like yourself especially if you want to visit Sirius."

James looked at him, his eyes, now a startlingly blue colour, were big and round with depression. "I liked my dark hair..." He moaned and Remus did smile then.

"Of course you did, so did I, but what is done is done and this will only be temporary I'm sure."

"If you say so, Rem, but if it isn't I'll throw myself off a cliff." He slumped despondently back into his seat. "I remember...I was handsome once..."

XXX

"Class dismissed!" Sirius clapped his hands together and the class stood up and began making their way back out the room, chattering happily. He smiled and turned to wipe the board blank, suddenly he heard someone behind him and he turned to see a tall, skinny man he felt he knew standing in the door way. "Hello, can I help?" He asked.

"Sirius...It's erm..."

"James!" Sirius recognised that voice and his jaw dropped as he took in his blond hair and blue eyes. "Holy Merlin on a broomstick! What have you _done_?"

"Dumbledore's idea...I am now Silas Berg, a part Swedish exchange wizard who has come to England to research his father's heritage...and his school." He smirked as Sirius laughed and ran over to him, nearly tripping over his robes in his haste. When he reached his lover he flung his arms around him and kissed him deeply, when they drew away they were grinning at each other. "Dumbledore is an amazing man, Siri..."

"Gotta love the old man! Genius! Pure bloody genius!" Sirius laughed happily, his voice echoing round the classroom as his heart filled with happiness.

James gazed around Sirius' office, he had managed to implant his personality on it easily enough. It was sparsely decorated, there was a few books scattered around and a chest in the corner of the room, on his desk was a sneakascope and a picture of James and Lily with Harry, James avoided looking at it, he still refused to think about that huge hole where his wife had been. Sirius locked the door and turned around to see James sitting on his desk with a smirk, his hair had turned back to his normal black and his eyes were that lovely hazel again. Sirius' smile grew until he walked over and kissed him, their lips against each other, slowly parting to allow their tongues to meet. "It's been a month and I have missed the hell out of you...Jamie..." Sirius sighed happily and felt James slide off the desk, pushing him roughly against it.

"Same, I couldn't stop thinking about you Pad's..." He reached up and began pushing Sirius back onto the desk, he lifted his robes up around his waist and groaned heavily when he realised Sirius had vanished all his undergarments. "God you're bloody amazing." He hissed as he yanked down his own jeans and they scrabbled frantically to find a relatively comfortable position.

"Oh shit, Jamie!" Sirius cried, he found himself bent over the desk, his head low so his hair was splayed on the wood. His nails dug into it, creating crescent shaped indentations as pleasure stabbed brutally into his abdomen. He gasped heavily, feeling James moving rapidly, it was hard and fast and Sirius was forced to bite down on his own tongue to prevent his voice from rising. "I love you...I love you...don't stop...!"

James chuckled as he leaned down and bit on Sirius' shoulder, growling low in his throat as the man beneath him jerked uncontrollably as he lost all semblance of dignity as he lost himself. "Teacher's been a bad boy..." James muttered, tipping his head back as he reached around to take Sirius' erection in his hand. Sirius groaned, his eyes closing as he moved his hips back, impaling himself on James, his mind was wiped blissfully blank and he smiled happily.

It didn't take much to push Sirius over the edge, James slapped his arse and it sent him crashing into his orgasm with a muffled cry. He came hard over the top of his desk with James following on his heels, they let themselves be swept away with the pleasure of it and when it was over James collapsed over his lover, kissing his temple tenderly before pulling away.

Sirius finally straightened himself out and let his robes fall to his feet again as he sat down with a small wince. "I'm going to have trouble sitting down for a while after that one." He muttered.

James chuckled, running fingers through his messy hair before leaning down and kissing Sirius tenderly. "Mm...my life can only be made perfect if I had Harry." He whispered as he pulled away.

"You'll get him back, Jamie." Sirius replied. "Dumbledore knows what he's doing...even if we don't."

"I know...It's just that...I want to see him, hold him, protect him...I want to be a father."

"You'll be a great father, and when he realises that you're alive and well, he'll want nothing more than to live with you and be your son." Sirius reached up and stroked his hair gently.

James smiled as he leaned into the touch. "I hope you're right."

Sirius stood smoking out the window as James wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, he took a drag every now and again as they spoke softly. "You'll never guess who the new Potions master is." Sirius muttered, breathing in a lungful of acrid smoke and blowing it out again as he gazed at the stars.

"Who?" James replied, stealing the cigarette off of him.

"Snivelly." Sirius said with contempt dripping from every syllable.

"Interesting, why?"

"No idea, apparently he did some massive turn around and ditched the Death Eaters...Dumbledore's supposedly got some proof that he's changed sides for good..." he snorted derisively. "The day that happens I'll grovel at the feet of my dear mother and beg forgiveness."

"Well, so long as you keep a close eye on him it won't matter, Harry's out of his reach and so long as Dumbledore's at Hogwarts no harm can come to any student here."

"I suppose so...it will be fun working with him though, I bet he's fuming...rumour has it he's after my job." Sirius let a malicious grin surface as he felt James bury his face in his hair.

"Just be careful, Siri, he's a powerful Wizard and he was close to Voldemort."

"He doesn't scare me, James."

"It's not about fear, is it? It's about your safety. If anyone was to discover that you yourself are a Dark Wizard people will lynch you..."

Sirius shrugged. "Can't die though can I?"

"But you can feel pain."

XXX

Remus sat in the Three Broomsticks, he stared intently at the door, it was snowing outside as he waited his friends, suddenly the door opened, bringing with it a flurry of snow and two dark clad figures. Sirius threw back his hood, gaining admiring glances from students and customers alike as he strode confidently over to the Werewolf sat in the dark corner. "Remus." He said with a smile and embraced him tightly when he stood. "It's been a while."

"Sirius, erm...Silas..." Remus hid his smirk as he eyed the blond who sat down at his side. "How have you been?"

"Brilliant, couldn't be better." Sirius replied and sat down. "What about you?"

"Oh, same old same old."

"What about your um...furry little problem?" James enquired.

"The usual, I rip myself to shreds once a month, I heal, I get scars." He shrugged and sipped his drink.

"I wish we could be with you." Sirius said softly.

"But you can't, so it's pointless wishing for the impossible, I get on with it...I'm used to it."

Sirius bit back his retort of 'you shouldn't have to be used to it, we should be by your side, helping you! What else are friends for?' and stayed silent.

They sat in that corner and spoke softly of their lives, sometimes they laughed, sometimes they gazed sadly into the past and wondered if things could have been different, but mostly they acted as if there had been no intervening years, they were simply the Marauders, a group of trouble makers.

When Sirius was stood at the bar, ordering drinks for himself and his friends he felt someone at his side. He turned his head and saw Snape there, gazing at him from inscrutable black eyes. "Professor." Sirius muttered, nodding his head politely before turning back to the drinks Madam Rosemearta had put before him.

"Black." Snape replied in the same, coldly polite tones. Suddenly, when the barmaid had gone and he was sure no one could hear he leaned close. "I would make certain to place silencing charms around your office door, Black, otherwise someone may hear something you do not wish for them to hear."

Sirius felt cold down his spine, he fixed his eyes firmly on the mirror over the bar. "And why would you say that?"

"Is there something you have been hiding from us all, Black? Someone important you have been...ah...hiding?"

"Spit it out, Snape, I have no time for riddles!" He snapped furiously.

"I heard you the other evening, it seems that you were getting up to illicit activities with someone who should, by all accounts, be dead...How do you explain the presence of James Potter in your office?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about, now, if you will excuse me..." He picked up his drinks and began moving away, but Snape grabbed his arm tightly.

"You reek of Dark Magic, you are hiding a dead man who you appear to be sleeping with, you are different...something has changed and I do not like it. If you show any sign of betraying Dumbledore I will..."

Sirius shrugged out of Snape's grip. "I would never betray Dumbledore." He said firmly.

"Yet you apparently betray your friends..."

"I was cleared of all charges, I never..."

"Like I said, one false move and you will regret ever betraying Lily Evans."

Sirius' eyes widened as he gazed at Snape who seemed to have realised what he had let slip, he cursed softly under his breath and slipped away before Sirius had recovered enough to call him back.

As he sat back down with his friends he frowned. "Well...that explains a lot."


	32. Chapter 32

AN: And now we begin to see the complications of Dark Magic as well as Snape's nicer side. :p I love Snape, brilliant character...why did the ever wonderful JK Rowling kill off all my faves? :( I am still loving writing this story, it is epic funsies! :D I hope you are all enjoying it as much as me, now we're getting back into the major angst, but don't worry, it won't be constantly depressing.

"_**Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved."**___

Sirius strode down the corridor, he gazed happily around at the familiar scenery and finally realised something; He was home. He was home and happier than he had been in years. He began humming softly to himself as he dodged a couple of second year girls who eyed him with hopeful smiles.

"Good morning, Professor Black." They chorused.

He turned and smiled at them, flashing his brilliant white teeth. "Morning girls." He said and whistled as he walked on, listening to their giggles. As he passed an empty classroom he felt something grab him, he was yanked roughly into it and he stumbled on the hem of his robes before swearing softly and hearing the slam of a door. He turned and saw Snape standing behind him, watching him through a curtain of greasy hair, he immediately went on the defensive, his fingers brushing his wand inside his robes as he eyed the other man warily.

James gazed at the closed door for a long time, he had been about to call out to Sirius and get his attention when Snape had dragged him forcefully into the classroom. He frowned as he put a hand on the door, he leaned close trying to hear some word as to what was going on, but it had an Imperturbable Charmon it. He frowned, his hand resting on the door as a sudden, horrible feeling descended on him...was Sirius cheating on him? The idea was not only repulsive but almost laughable, yet he couldn't seem to let it go.

"What do you want, Snivelly?" Sirius hissed softly as Snape eyed him.

"Name calling, at our age? You have not grown up at all have you, Black?"

Sirius sneered and perched on the desk, folding his arms across his chest. "Well? Why did you decide to ruin my perfectly good mood by sticking your greasy, hooked nose into my life?"

Snape's fingers twitched as if he would love nothing more than to hex Sirius into oblivion, but he was more than certain that move would result in the biggest fight Hogwarts had seen in years, not to mention possible casualties. Instead he bared his teeth in a snarl. "I told you that I would be keeping a close eye on you...I have seen that blond man who seems to be attached to your robes, you are never far apart for very long...why is that?" He moved closer, his eyes narrowing as he watched Sirius' reaction.

Sirius straightened, his own eyelids lowering as he hid his emotions behind a mask of cold insolence, a look Snape was fully familiar with, a look that appeared to be a Black trait.

"If you are talking of Silas then Dumbledore has put me in charge of looking after him, he is an important man."

"He is a researcher...apparently..." Snape considered the tall man before him, he was, as always, almost jealous of Sirius' utter self confidence, his arrogance was legendary but he held himself with a dignity born of his heritage. Snape could not match that, his upbringing had been fraught with poverty and hate. "I know that face of his, Black." He said softly, his voice low and dangerous. "If you are hiding him from the Ministry...from Lily's son..."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, arching it elegantly as he watched Snape from beneath his lashes. "Oh, so I was correct in my assumption...You were in love with the ever lovely Miss Evans..."

"That is..."

"It's true is what it is, Snape." Sirius straightened, standing tall before his colleague. "Luckily for you I won't tell anyone...but not for any love I bear you, but for the love I bear Lily." He made his way to the door before pausing and looking back, his face was unreadable. "Why didn't you ever tell her?" He asked softly.

Snape flushed blotchily. "That is none of your concern."

Sirius shrugged. "Lily was beautiful and kind, even to me, when we were fighting for James...eventually she let us be together, and for that she will always have my undying loyalty. Snape, do not presume to know or understand me. You have no idea what it was like to walk into that cottage and see the man you had loved for the best part of your life sprawled across the carpet, to walk up the stairs and see his wife, a woman of such benevolence, as dead as a doll beneath the cot of their screaming son...You will never know what I went through days afterwards, you'll hopefully never know what it is to hate someone enough that it drives you insane! Yes, I laughed when I saw Peter's finger in that crater..." His voice rose slowly, his eyes glittering like two shards of the sharpest steel. "I laughed because it was the only thing I could do to keep from screaming and losing my mind!" He stepped forwards, towering over Snape as he felt all the old anger, all the old hatred stir in his chest until it was suffocating him. "How can someone like _you_ understand what it is like to have your whole universe ripped from your grasping fingers? How can you even contemplate the sheer terror of being left alone in this terrible, cold world? James was dead! James was dead and I had no one...no one at all! Who could love someone like me? A weak, pathetic broken kid with no home, no reason for living? James did. James loved me so much he almost broke me...and even if he had I wouldn't have cared. If he killed me, I'd die with a fucking smile knowing that it was his hand that cast the spell...can you understand that kind of emotion?"

Snape reddened and straightened, he had not expected such defensiveness. "Of course I can, you fool! I loved Lily...I still love her to this day! She was my world, she rescued a poor, broken little boy and made him feel like he was worth more than his father's constant derision! She made me see a light that I never knew existed...how _dare_ you belittle that!"

Sirius fell silent and gazed at Snape in a new light slowly it dawned on him that perhaps he wasn't the only one with a bad childhood. He turned his back. "Was it always your father?" He whispered to the opposite wall.

"Yes..." Snape replied almost too softly to hear.

Sirius nodded. "Then count yourself lucky, at least one member of your family loved you." With that he walked towards the door and yanked it open. "Lily would have been happy to hear that, Snape." He said before leaving the Potions Master alone with his thoughts.

XXX

James sat in Sirius' chair, gazing out the window with a small frown, he had watched Sirius all day, and he seemed different, he was withdrawn and his mind seemed elsewhere. James was worried, the thoughts of the possible relationship between Sirius and Snape was stomach churning yet was it impossible? He shuddered. After discovering that Sirius had used Dark Magic to bring him back and murdered his cousin to do it, he kept wandering if he knew him at all. Doubts began to creep into his mind as he remembered Sirius' many lovers in their school days, he could still remember lying in his bed some nights and hearing the soft moans issuing from Sirius' lips, the gentle whispers and curses from whatever lucky guy he had chosen for that evening. With a heavy sigh he swept his hair back and frowned deeply as the door was opened by Sirius himself, he peered at James.

"Jamie? You alright mate?" He asked, perching on the desk and smiling softly as he leaned over and cupped James' face, to his utter surprise James pushed his hand away.

"I'm not in the mood." James muttered, avoiding Sirius' gaze.

"What's this all about?" Sirius asked with a frown.

"Nothing..."

"It has to be something, you've never turned me down before..."

James twitched slightly before he stood up so suddenly Sirius almost slipped from his precarious perch. "What were you and Snape doing?" he said stiffly, still unable to look into those silver eyes.

Sirius licked his lips slowly, he smiled as he walked over to his lover and wrapped his arms around him. "Are you jealous?" He whispered softly, burying his face in James' neck and humming happily. "I'm flattered, but really, this is Snivelly we're talking about here...trust me, Jamie, I wouldn't let him touch me."

James bit his lip and turned around, pushing Sirius away from him by the shoulders. "And I have to believe that?" he said in a voice that was strained.

Sirius frowned as his heart skipped a beat in his chest, slowly he disentangled himself from James' hands and stepped away. "I can't believe this." He muttered, scanning James' face carefully as if he could find some hint that he was joking. "Are you...kidding me?"

"I saw you today...Snape dragged you into an empty classroom, tell me, what am I supposed to make of that?"

Sirius backed away a pace. "Are you saying...?"

"How can I trust you Sirius?" James said in a sharp voice, his eyes going dark. "Tell me what makes you think I can trust you?"

Sirius backed off again, his eyes widening. "You fucking bastard." He said in a strange tone, his voice breaking slightly as an odd emptiness filled him. "How could even think that I would...?"

"That you would let anyone with a cock fuck you? Oh...let me see...because in school how many lovers did you have?"

Sirius' mouth tightened along with his hands. "I lost count." He croaked slowly.

"Then...when we leave school you go and seduce Remus! Our _Moony_, for crying out loud! The guy who has been in love with you almost as long as I have! How blind can you be? You hurt him...you almost destroyed him and because he's always been too nice to say anything you continued as if it had never happened! You even shagged that other bloke in the club on my stag night, and from what I heard from Remus you fucked his boyfriend as well! There is nothing in that list that tells me I can trust you!" Sirius felt as if he'd been doused with freezing cold water, he gaped at James as he worked himself up into a fury. "Did you think I was stupid? How could I not find out about this stuff? I have known you since we were eleven years old, Sirius! How many others?" he took a few paces closer and gazed at his lover who was as white as a ghost and he shook almost imperceptibly, his eyes glittered with pain behind his fringe but finally he seemed to find his voice.

"I...I don't know." He croaked. "I don't keep tabs." He felt numb. He had never even thought about his other sexual encounters and the guilt at discovering that Remus was still in love with him was agony. "I...James I..."

"Sometimes you can act like a complete whore, Sirius!" James snapped, his eyes almost glowing with his anger as he grabbed Sirius and dragged him roughly over to the desk, forcing him backwards over it and slamming his fist into the wood with a bang that made the other man flinch violently. "I want you to myself...you're mine! Do you understand?"

The possessiveness in his voice should have pleased Sirius but he could hardly even register what was happening, let alone process it all. He lifted his hand and pushed James away, he managed to right himself, breathing much harder than was really needed. He glared at James, his eyes filling with unwanted tears. "D-Did you just call me...a whore?" He croaked roughly, his voice shaking.

"It's what you act like." James said defiantly. "You even fucked Peter...the dirty little rat..."

Sirius felt his breathing hitch, he suddenly felt a veil of red fury obscure his senses. "I DID IT FOR YOU! I DID IT ALL FOR YOU!" He screamed suddenly, there was a loud crash as the window shattered and the room became heavy with a gale of furious magical energies as Sirius lost control. "Everything I ever did was for you! I fucking love you! I would die for you if I could! Not even Lily loved you as much as I-..."

James didn't think about what he was doing, it was instinct. At the mention of his dead wife's name he drew back his fist and punched Sirius in the face.

The magic died and Sirius stumbled backwards, covering his face with his hands. Before he could recover and retaliate James had hold of his wrists, he slammed him into the wall where he hit his head and grunted as James pushed his knee between his legs. "J-Jamie..." He whispered as he felt blood trickling down his face and his eye swelling rapidly.

"How dare you bring her into this! How dare you...She was...she loved me! We have a son together and nothing you can ever do will be able to compete with that! Harry is proof of how much more she loved me, what can you give me that will ever compare?"

It was as if someone had turned a light out in his eyes, Sirius slumped, all the fight leaving him with the mention of his Godson as James glared furiously into his face. "Nothing." He whispered after a long pause. For the first time in his life he began regretting he had been born male. "I'm sorry." He muttered as James released him, he slid down the wall, his eyes completely blank as he gazed into space, his lips parted slightly and hair tangled in his face. He felt empty...defeated...and James said nothing as he crouched and lifted his face up with a finger beneath his chin, he gazed blankly into those familiar hazel eyes and saw something that sent fear down his spine, but none of it showed on his face as he employed a mask he had built up while being beaten by his father, while being fucked by strange men in a public loo, while letting Peter have his way with him. He let James kiss him and felt only pain, even as those familiar fingers pushed hair from his face and slid down his neck, slowly sipping his robes from his shoulder.

As he sat on all fours Sirius couldn't find it in himself to prevent James from entering him, no matter how rough he was. The physical pleasure was somehow distant, as if he wasn't really feeling it and James came rapidly, leaving him in a pool of robes on the stone floor. When the door slammed he felt something sharp and painful in his chest, he gasped and gripped his heart, burying his face in his arm as he curled in a ball. "Jamie..." He muttered into the deepening darkness. "What have I done?"

XXX

Remus met Sirius in the Three broomsticks, when he saw his best friend he gasped audibly. Siirus had a large, purple bruise beneath one eye and when he reached to pick up his whiskey Remus couldn't fail to notice his shaking hands or the bruises surrounding his wrists. When they sat down he leaned close and pushed hair back from Sirius' face, he had a cut beneath his hairline as well but it was his eyes more than anything that terrified the werewolf. "Sirius...what's happened? Who's been hurting you?"

Sirius gazed numbly at him, his eyes dark and his face expressionless. "No one. It's nothing. I tripped." He said thickly and downed his whiskey before ordering another from the passing barmaid.

"Don't you dare lie to me!" Remus hissed, his fingers grabbing Sirius' hand and tightening, he felt his heart beat quicken at the simple touch but pushed it aside. "Someone is hurting you...and from that look on your face you're letting them."

Sirius lowered his head, obscuring his face with a curtain of ebony hair. "You don't need to know...I'll be fine, no one can kill me."

"But they can hurt you..." He recognised the look in his eyes, he knew it from the days Sirius would return from his parents with bruises, cuts and worse all over his body. He would never talk about it, always ignoring any questions and going straight to sleep that night in the dorm. "Sirius, talk to me please, I want to help you."

Sirius gazed forlornly down at their hands, slowly he twisted his so that his fingers entwined with Remus', he leaned forward and planted a tender kiss on his friend's forehead. "I'm so sorry, Remus...for everything. I had no idea how much I hurt you."

Remus gazed at him, Sirius hardly looked like the same man he had been five days ago, he seemed darker, something terrible had happened and it had shattered him into a thousand tiny peices...and there was only one thing that could have such a severe affect on him. "James." He whispered, feeling horror fill him.

Sirius looked at him. "I deserve it." He said slowly. "You know I do...my parents knew I did...christ Moony...I-I don't deserve friends like you...I don't deserve you or James or even Harry...I don't deserve kindness or sympathy...why can't you see that? I hurt you so badly...and I had no idea! I had no idea how deeply you felt for me, even after you'd confessed...I...I'm a horrible person! I...I'm going away."

That took Remus off guard his eyes widened. "Where?"

"Azkaban." Sirius' hand shook as he stood slowly. "I'm gunna go confess...and then..." He closed his eyes. "Tell James I'm sorry...tell him It's all my fault he's like this and not to blame himself. When I brought him back and transferred a peice of my soul into him, I gave him my anger, my bitterness...I never meant to...I only...I only wanted to give him my love."

"No!" Remus stood, knocking over his chair as he followed Sirius out the door and into the cold night. "No! Stop...Stop right there!" He ran in front of him and gazed into his pale face, pleading with his eyes. "Don't go."

"What choice do I have? Everyone will be better off without me here. Everyone will be safer...Remus...I killed someone. I murdered Bella in cold blood and I still don't regret it...I'm dangerous and mad...I should be locked away and you know it." He threw up his hood and walked away, leaving Remus feeling numb, as if he'd been turned to stone. Suddenly he spun on his heels and withdrew his wand, his face turned into an angry snarl.

"Oh no you don't, you bastard!" He hissed and red light shot from the tip, hitting Sirius in the back and he crumpled like paper.


	33. Chapter 33

AN: Angsty yumminess! :D This has a bit of angst and a bit of smut and a bit of happiness! Woo! Still not sure when this will end, I am loving writing this story, hopefully it won't get boring for everyone. I have tried to spice it up a bit with something new and erm...interesting. ;) Enjoy and reviews make Kimmi a happy author.

_**Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.**_

James gazed down at his unconscious friend, he could feel Remus' anger from where he stood behind him, but he ignored it as he gazed down into Sirius' peaceful face. His chest rose and fell steadily and yet he looked as if he'd died, his face was white beneath his fringe and the purple bruises were so obvious James was surprised he had never really seen them until that moment.

"All I want to know is why?" Remus said softly, he leaned against the wall, his hair falling into his face as he stared intently at James' back, the pull of the nearly full moon was painful but he ignored the bone deep ache.

James reached down and ran his finger down Sirius' still face, he traced the bruising with his lips slightly parted as he realised what he had been doing. "I..." He could vaguely remember an all consuming fury, it had been so terrible, so horrifically terrifying that he had hidden from it, he had refused to think about it and now he could clearly remember punching his best friend, pinning him down against the cold stone floor and taking him roughly, he remembered Sirius' cries of pain and pleasure and it turned him cold. "I had no idea..." He said faintly, feeling sick with himself as guilt settled heavily in his chest. "He just...took it...like he was willing..." He could still see the fear in Sirius' eyes, the fear he had refused to acknowledge while he had been raping him.

"And do you know why?" Remus croaked from the shadows, he seemed reluctant to step into the thin shaft of moonlight that filtered through the window of Sirius' quarters.

Slowly James lifted back his sleeve, he gazed down at his skin where several long scratches had been gouged. "He fought me..." He whispered in a shaky voice. He stepped backwards with wide eyes. "He fought me...yet he's stronger than me...always has been..."

"Physically yes, but not mentally."

James swallowed hard, he wanted to look away from what he had done, he wanted to ignore it...but he couldn't. "He could have cursed me into oblivion...why didn't he?"

"Because he loves you James." Remus replied quietly, his voice low and sad and gentle. "I understand that it wasn't you...not really. It was the effect of the soul transfer, Sirius told me that he had accidently given you his anger and resentment...and that manifested it's self within you. This cannot go on, he is convinced that because he has suffered all his life that it is normal, he thinks that people hurting him and abusing him is perfectly ok...but James, it's not. We are the only people who have ever shown him affection and kindness, only we can heal him."

James finally turned around, he looked distraught. "How? How can we heal something like that? It's sick! What he's been through is horrible and we don't even know the half of it..."

Remus gazed down at Sirius' sleeping body with pity in his shadowed eyes, eyes that held the beginnings of the wolfish amber. "Have you ever wondered about his Uncle?" He asked slowly, stepping forward into a shaft of moonlight so it fell across his face and made his eyes turn the colour of toffee, he flinched and his fingers curled into fists as if the moonlight pained him, but none of it showed on his face.

"What about him?" James asked, confused by the sudden change in subject.

"He told me once that his Uncle had...touched him inappropriately...I think that it must have been happening from a very young age as he seemed to think it was relatively normal and he still thinks of him with affection."

"What does this have to do with anything?"

Those slightly nerve wracking amber eyes pinned James to the spot like knives. "Sirius believes that sex is the only way he can get people to love him, it's the only way he knows how to express his love for someone...and it's all thanks to his deranged uncle. I think...that he convinced Sirius that their relationship was normal, that it was ok to touch him and do that kind of stuff because it was simply an expression of affection...perhaps we need to teach him that that's not true in all cases...maybe, by doing that and healing the broken soul inside him we can also heal the peice inside you."

"Moony, have I ever told you how brilliant you are?" James said with a weak smile.

Remus' own was strained but his eyes turned a deeper shade of brown for a minute. "You have, many times."

XXX

"Whoa! I'm going to fall! Can't I just...take this thing off?" Sirius muttered under his breath as he was led down a rocky seeming path and stumbled over things beneath his feet.

"No, Padfoot. That would defeat the whole purpose of this exorcise. Now, stop whining and let me guide you."

"Prongs, you're not a very good guide." Sirius muttered, stumbling yet again and suddenly feeling something solid beneath his palms.

James held Sirius gently after catching him, he smiled and brushed hair from beneath the black strip of cloth across his eyes that acted as a blind fold. "But I catch you when you fall, Siri."

Sirius lifted his head towards the source of the voice, he was blind but he could feel James' breath on his lips as he spoke. James' fingers were tender and so gentle Sirius almost flinched away, but he didn't, he could feel those fingers in his hair and James pulled him closer. Their lips met in a small, chaste kiss as James' arm snaked around his waist and held him there. When he pulled away James saw Sirius shaking slightly, as if afraid. "Jamie? What's going on?" He whispered harshly, a frown obvious beneath his blindfold, when he reached up to remove it, James pushed his arms back down by his sides and kissed him on the temple.

"It's alright...do you trust me, Sirius?" He whispered softly.

Sirius' tongue darted out to lick his lips, without his sight he felt vulnerable, even with his almost painfully heightened senses he felt naked. "James...I...of course but...please let me take..."

"No." James caught Sirius' hand in his own, lifting it up and kissing his fingers. "Just trust me, I won't let anything hurt you."

Sirius could hear trees rustling around them, the scents of the forest were sharp and somehow comforting as they filled him with memories of four children running through the trees, laughing to each other and at night, with full moon gazing down at them, the howls of the wolf and the sound of pounding animal feet...He almost smiled.

There was the sound of creaking, he could feel floorboards beneath his boots and he knew where he was. Sirius tightened his grip on James' hand as he felt heat hit his face, James stopped and he felt hands on his face, once again he was kissed, but this time it was slow and deep and he couldn't help the soft moan that escaped him. "Siri, take it off." James' voice was in his ear and he reached up, removing the binding from his eyes. He blinked as light assaulted his vision, but finally, when it had cleared his eyes widened.

"The shack..." He turned to see Remus gazing up at the sky through the window. "Remus?"

"Dumbledore let us use it for tonight." He said in a tight voice, he turned and Sirius was struck by the strain in his face. "For tonight we're not adults, tonight we're fifteen years old..." He managed a weak smile and stepped close to Sirius, taking his head in both hands and kissing him on the lips. "But it's not me who needs healing, Siri...not tonight or tomorrow night either."

Sirius' eyes went wide and he looked around, the shack was still dusty and dirty and covered in scratches and gouges but he knew it as well as he knew his own face, it was practically home. He grinned happily as he gazed at the fire in the hearth, there were spare clean clothes, bottles of fire whiskey, blankets and even food. "You two are..." His voice broke and he cleared it. "You two are brilliant...I...I...Thank you." He beamed at Remus, grabbing and pulling him into a tight embrace. "I really do love you...both of you, with all my heart."

James smiled at the endearing scene. "We know, and you know we love you back as much."

"I do...I always have."

That night the Forbidden Forest heard something it had not heard in a long time; the howlings of both wolf and dog. They ran side by side, with a stag hard on their heels, the wolf howling loudly, singing its joy to the moon while the dog jumped at him, batting at him with a large paw. They play-fought with growing ferocity, their yips and yelps rising to the sky, Padfoot's tail hardly seemed to be able to stop wagging as he frantically fought to gain the upper hand on the huge wolf. The stag watched regally from the shadows, nervous around the scent of blood from an earlier kill the two canine's had made, he seemed reluctant to go too close to the playing animals. When they had calmed Prongs moved closer and lay down, his massive head lowering so he could look down at Padfoot who yawned and stretched before walking around in a circle several times and curling up in a tight ball at the stag's side, he huffed happily as the wolf stalked them both for a moment before curling up beside the dog and tucking his nose beneath his tail.

"Sirius?"

Slowly those grey eyes opened, he was warm and comfortable and had absolutely no wish to move so he buried his face in the hair by his face and pulled the warm body closer, breathing in that deliciously familiar scent of forest and chocolate. He felt familiar hands running slowly up his sides and he groaned as tingles of pleasure shot down his spine, a small smile graced his face as he breathed a name; "James..."

"Wake up." James muttered, kissing that soft area of skin just behind his friend's ear and enjoying the way he shivered, he could picture the smile on those delicious lips, the ones that begged to be kissed. He slowly pressed his morning erection into Sirius' backside and felt him press back, James smiled and uttered a whisper of a groan. Slowly his fingers skimmed Sirius' sides, brushing a nipple as he slid his hand between the two bodies and began caressing his chest, even as he kissed his way slowly and delicately up Sirius' throat, enjoying the subtle change in his lovers breathing that alerted him he was turned on.

Sirius' fingers tightened convulsively around Remus' waist as he breathed into his hair, he felt James slipping a hand down his bare chest and into his trousers. Leaves rustled above them as dawn poked her head above the horizon and turned the world pink and gold, Sirius sucked in a sharp breath, his hips pushing rhythmically back into James' who grunted at the contact. "Jamie...?" Sirius muttered, his hands tightening on Remus' sides. "This is so...wrong...I...ahhh..." His train of thought was obliterated when James' fingers found his aching erection, he couldn't stop himself from pushing gently against the firm buttocks of his friend even as he buried his face in that fragrant and familiar hair.

"Is it good?" James muttered from behind him. "I would say don't wake Moony but...nn...seems a bit too late..."

Sirius half opened his eyes as their friend shifted in his embrace and rolled over to face them, Remus' eyes were still slightly golden around the edges as dawn shook away the last of the wolf, he smiled sleepily at Sirius and leaned in, their lips met in a soft kiss. "You would think that it would be disturbing to be woken up to feeling your best friend humping you..." He breathed and nuzzled his nose against Sirius' throat, nipping at the skin slightly and chuckling when he got a whimper in response. "But it's not so bad...not when you've held it in your hand..." He reached down between them and cupped Sirius' obvious erection. "Just don't remind me of this later...I'll die of embarrassment...for now though...I'm well over half animal..."

"Ah, little Moony after the full moon is always so exciting!" James exclaimed and chuckled breathily. "Let's make our Padfoot scream louder than a Banshee..."

Sirius groaned helplessly as his two best friends began teasing his heated flesh, his eyelids flickered and he parted his lips as soft, gentle fingers ran up and down his chest, thighs and scrotum, he grunted and let himself sink into the physical pleasure as those skilled hands pushed blood around his body, he felt lips capture his own and knew from the taste of that tongue it was Remus, he smiled into it as James' fingers unbuttoned his trousers and pushed them down his hips, when he felt burning flesh meet his own he groaned heavily and Remus' fingers tightened convulsively on his erection. "Holy fuck..." Sirius muttered against Remus' mouth as James began preparing him slowly, he shuddered violently and threw his head back against his lovers shoulder. His spine tingled, heat pooled in his stomach and his lips formed incomprehensible words as his hips moved of their own volition.

It was gentle and loving and warm and Sirius felt himself melting between his friends ministrations, he pried his eyes open and looked into Remus', they smiled at each other. "You look fantastic, Padfoot..." He whispered with a sharp gasp as Sirius ground his hips into his own.

"I _feel _fantastic." Sirius muttered, his eyes glittering behind his messy fringe, he had a smudge of dirt on one cheek and leaves trapped in his dark hair and yet James and Remus had never seen him look more beautiful as the sunlight reached out and caressed his skin. "J-Jamie..."

"Siri..." James replied, breathing heavily into the crook of his neck as he slid his fingers out of him. "I love you, never forget."

"Never." Sirius replied, feeling James pressing against him and turning his head at an awkward angle to get at James' lips. Remus watched with fascination as James entered Sirius, his hand gripping his abdomen and his nails digging into the muscles to leave tiny crescents behind. He was gentle and careing and Sirius' happiness was almost palatable, he felt heat flush his body and took hold of Sirius' neglected member whispering comfort and loving things into his ear.

When James was fully seated inside Sirius he paused, allowing him to adjust to the intrusion. "This wasn't...nnn...originally in our plan..." He panted, desperately trying to force his body under control.

"No...It wasn't...but I will not deny it is an interesting diversion..."

Sirius chuckled roughly, with Remus' fingers massaging him like that and James buried deep within him he could hardly find the presence of mind to speak so instead he reached down and took Remus' erection in one hand before kissing him solidly on the lips. He gasped as James moved his hips, slowly at first, drawing out of that tight heat before slowly pushing himself back in, he shuddered as Sirius clenched around him and moaned his name.

It was slow. Slow and agonising and beautiful. Sirius could hardly stop himself from crying out loudly as James moved in small, controlled thrusts that sent his mind reeling and knocked the breath from him while Remus' hand slid up and down his erection, matching the pace with ease. They kissed and licked and caressed his burning skin with hands, lips and tongues and he realised suddenly that he must have died. He must have died at some point and he was in heaven because nothing in the living world could ever feel so good, so utterly perfect.

It didn't take much, he felt his orgasm building and building until he couldn't breathe and then he felt Remus gasp his name and hot liquid spilling over his fingers and that was it, he uttered a single wordless exclamation and his whole body tensed, James cursed loudly in his ear and trembled as Sirius' body jerked violently as he came hard enough to almost knock him unconscious.

As he came down from his high he realised he was shaking, his hands trembled as he pulled Remus close, kissing him slowly before turning to James and performing the same on him, but he spent longer with him, their tongues teasing each other carefully as they explored each other's mouths tenderly. "Holy shit that was..." James swallowed as he buried his forehead in Sirius' hair.

"Perfect." Sirius sighed and went limp, enjoying the feeling of his two best friends pressed up against him. "So...so fucking perfect...I...I don't deserve it."

"You do...you just need to learn to let go of certain things." Remus croaked roughly as he played with Sirius' hair absently. "We both love you, we want you to be happy."

Slowly he opened his grey eyes and smiled, Remus saw the love in them and returned his smile as he sat up and yawned. "We should get cleaned up." Sirius muttered as he lazily stroked circles on James' hand as it wrapped about his waist.

"We should..." Remus agreed absently. He oddly felt perfectly satisfied, he had expected to feel jealous or in pain, but it was the joy in his best friends eyes that made nothing seem more important. It didn't matter that Sirius wanted James as his lover, because all Remus wanted was Sirius' happiness.

XXX

Students gathered in the Quidditch stands, it didn't take much to spread something around Hogwarts and the news that something exciting was happening on the pitch soon became the top topic and they came flooding down the grassy hill to the stadium.

"Wow!" One group of Gryffindor's gasped as a man on a broom flew above their heads, leaning low over the handle.

Sirius watched James fly at him, he frowned in concentration but as his friend neared he suddenly went upwards, Sirius watched in awe as James did a backwards loop with his hands on the Quaffle and threw it over Sirius' head and into the goal. A huge roar went up from the unexpected spectators and Sirius grinned, slowly rising in a lazy circle. Remus hovered behind James who was doing a lap of honour at top speed, whooping in delight as he punched the air and suddenly made a dive to skim the crowd, leaning down to give a few high fives. His two friends laughed.

Sirius was a fair keeper, but he could not withstand James' attacks, he was like a bird of prey in the air, swift and powerful, diving from out of nowhere and scoring yet another fantastic goal as Sirius dived in the wrong direction.

James hung upside down in his broom, grinning manically as he released the Quaffle before flipping himself over and swooping down almost skimming the ground with his toes as he suddenly shot upwards, catching the Quaffle before it hit the ground and booting it back through the highest goal post.

"Fucking show off!" Sirius shouted, snatching the ball from the air with one hand and lobbing it at Remus who fumbled it and James caught it from beneath him, his laughter reached over the noise of their crowd. "Stop pulling those stunts! You make me look shit!"

"You are shit, mate!" James shouted back, punching the ball into the air. All eyes followed it as James raced it higher and higher, he felt the wind in his hair as he sped higher until all he could see were specs beneath him. The ball began to lose altitude so he went into a dive...

Gasps echoed around the stadium which became almost silent as they watched the man go after the red ball, it plummeted and James appeared to be in free fall as he followed. Everyone held their breath as suddenly he snatched it right before it hit the ground, pulling from the dive sharply and rising once more. He held it above his head, circling upwards slowly and revelling in the crowd's adulation, he felt sixteen again, he felt that wonderful buzz fill his veins as a grin spread across his face.

Sirius flew down to join his lover and he almost yanked him from his broom as he embraced him, James giggled and dropped the Quaffle, he pushed hands into Sirius' hair and their lips met in a slow kiss, still rising slowly above the seats.

Remus watched them and felt the silence, he looked down to see people gaping up at them. "Oh..."

Dumbledore looked up at the couple and suddenly a lot of things made more sense, he sighed and shook his head. He had been young once and he could not forget that thrill of first love, even if his had turned out so horribly wrong, he could not begrudge James and Sirius this moment of pure joy, even if it would cost them the respect of their peers. His situation had been greatly different and hiding his forbidden relationship had been rather easier with a little sister who needed constant care, but he could still remember his brother's ridicule and others scorn. He only hoped that people nowadays were more accommodating as he had no wish to have to reply to countless letters about how he should not have employed a gay teacher. He left the three friends to it and made his ways steadily back to his office, he had things to do, so much to prepare for.

XXX

Sirius sat down at breakfast, it had been three days since his impromptu threesome in the Forbidden Forest and yet he could hardly keep the satisfied grin off his face, it was made even worse when he met the eyes of his friends as they tried to hide their own knowing smiles. He gazed out across the hall, finding the stares and mutters easily ignored in favour of basking in the glow of his joy, he ate with gusto, devouring food as if he would never eat again as he half listened to McGonagall talk to Sprout about a certain Hufflepuff in one of her classes.

After the food came the post, Sirius never received mail, especially with James and Remus staying so close by, so when the grey owl landed in the pitcher of pumpkin juice he assumed it had made a mistake as it climbed out, fluffed itself up indignantly and dropped a crimson envelope before him. He gazed at it for a full ten seconds before his brain registered what it was, with a swift movement he stood and backed away, knocking over his goblet and spilling it everywhere as the thing began to smoke.

"Professor Bla-Oh my!" McGonagall stood too as teachers began turning heads in their directions and the envelope burst into flames.

"_FUCKING SICK HOMO! HOW DARE YOU TEACH MY CHILDREN! I CANNOT BELEIVE THAT DUMBLEDORE WOULD ALLOW SUCH AN ABOMINATION TO ENTER THE SCHOOL, YOU ARE DEPRAVED AND TWISTED AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TOUCHING MY CHILDREN! YOU DISGUST ME! YOU USELESS POOF! YOU ARE A VILE DISGRACE TO THE NAME WIZARD... "_

Sirius gazed at the letter as it screeched and ranted and every eye in the Great Hall turned to him, he stared at it with wide eyes and realised his mistake. When it finally turned to ash he realised he wasn't breathing, his mind was full of images of a tall woman with black hair and silver eyes, pointing her wand at him and screaming...screaming and screaming about what a terrible son he was, how he was disgusting and useless and vile...his knees gave way and he fell to the floor, bowing his head as he vaguely heard mutters and the teachers ushering students from the hall as quickly as possible. It was soon clear that the owls wouldn't stop coming for a while as he had a sizable amount of letters piled on his breakfast plate, his mind was numb, his body feeling as if he had been filled with rubber as he reached for the first one and tore it open absently. He scanned the first few lines, this father called him a paedophile. Another told him he was mentally deranged and should be locked away in St. Mungo's...another told him he was sick and twisted and he would be receiving a curse in the next post. He let them fall from his fingers and buried his face in his hands. "Shit..." He whispered as he felt a strong hand on his back.

"Come with me, Sirius." Dumbledore's voice managed to break through the fog in his mind and he let himself be helped to his feet by the headmaster.

He could hardly digest it all...how could his life go from blissful to agony in less than three days?

**END NOTE: ...Because Siri, you have the unfortunate luck to be in one of my stories, so suck it up bitch! :D (Sorry...lol)**


	34. Chapter 34

AN: Ok, this is a short chapter that has more time skips. I do this because otherwise I would need to fill three separate stories for this one, lol. Also, intervening years can be boring. :/ As for Snape in this chappy, well, please remember that where he is ultimately a good man, he will always resent our marauders, for obvious reasons, so he is harsh to them but forgive him because they were gits. And Dumbledore's not evil in my story, as much as we may hate what he is doing, remember that his one goal is Harry and helping him defeat Voldemort, he is and always has been for the 'Greater good'. So don't hate them, this is just me trying to keep them in character in an AU story...which is kind of hard. Loving your reviews, keep them coming! :D

_**The Jews have never been ashamed of being Jews, whereas homosexuals have been stupid enough to be ashamed of their homosexuality.**_

Sirius slumped into the chair, his hands shoved into his long hair as he gazed despondently at the floor. He could feel Dumbledore's eyes on him but refused to meet them, he had no wish to see the disgust he was convinced would be there.

"Sirius, I am sorry."

That shocked the young man, he lifted his head and finally met those sharp, glittering blue eyes. "You what?"

"I am sorry for not preventing you from outing yourself to the whole school, I could have prevented this situation." He sighed and seated himself behind his desk. "This is my fault, I fear."

"No...it's not...I should never have been so...obvious..." Sirius closed his eyes. "I suppose you'll want to sack me and get me under lock and key? Don't worry, I'll go quietly."

"Not at all dear boy!" Dumbledore said in a shocked voice. "Do not think that I am concerned about your sexuality, I understand better than anyone how hard it is for one to hide such a thing...especially when you are in love."

Sirius frowned and gazed into those understanding eyes. "What do you mean? How can you understand?"

Dumbledore smiled. "I too have certain secrets I have been forced to hide from the wider Wizarding community."

Slowly it dawned on the animagus and he blinked. "You mean you're...?"

"Yes, I am."

Sirius gaped stupidly at him for a full five seconds before taking a deep breath. "I had no idea."

Dumbledore tipped his head in acceptance. "It is not something we can easily announce, the community would not take kindly to the knowledge that a man in charge of Hogwarts is, shall we say...Homosexual."

Sirius licked his lips before chuckling weakly. "Did you know? About me I mean...?"

"No, you hid it very well...until now. Now, I cannot say that this will not cause severe problems, already I have had several parents complaining about your appointment, however, we may be able to salvage this, if the governors do not complain that is."

"And if they do?" Sirius looked afraid.

"Then I will be forced to put you under 'lock and key' as you say. I will arrange rooms for you within the castle, keep you well guarded and protected so that when the time comes we can release you, but that is a worst case scenario. For now, please return to your rooms, I shall employ a temporary teacher to take your place for now, and when we know for sure how the Governors are going to react then I shall decide what to do from there."

Sirius stood and nodded. "Thank you sir." He said and walked towards the door, for a moment he paused with a small frown on his face, he turned and gazed at the headmaster over his shoulder. "Sir, what was the real relationship between you and Grindelwald?"

Dumbledore smiled, yet the bitterness was obvious as he absently folded his hands together. "What do you think, Sirius?" He replied smoothly.

Sirius smiled. "It must have been hard for you to put him away."

"It was, but he went of his own accord eventually, all I did was make him realise the error of his ways..." Grief stained his eyes momentarily before he waved Sirius away. "Let us hope that both you and James will be much happier, I truly hope that you are. There is nothing more powerful in this world than love, Sirius, never forget that."

XXX

James sat on the bed, Sirius was fast asleep, nestled beneath the duvet with a tiny frown on his face. Slowly James leaned over and smoothed the frown away with his thumb, he leaned down and kissed his temple gently. "I'm sorry, Pad's..." He muttered with a sigh. "I wish I could make it better."

Sirius had been locked away again, his rooms were comfortable but there was no denying that he was basically a prisoner, even if it was for his own safety. James pitied him, but he couldn't do anything about it as he too had been subject to ridicule, even if half the students had been cheering him not all that long ago, his only consolation was that he could use the excuse; in my country it is acceptable. Whereas Sirius had nothing, he was stuck with hearing hisses, degrading whispers and being followed by gazes full of horror and sometimes outright hatred.

When James or Remus asked him if he was ok Sirius' answer was always the same; I'm used to it. I'm used to hatred, screaming and anything else they can throw at me, I put up with it for years...I'm fine. Neither one of them believed him.

Sirius stood by the open window, night had fallen and he was alone as James was staying in Hogsmeade, he smoked a cigarette slowly, frowning out at the familiar, well loved scenery and wishing he had not been so stupid. He had no idea how long he would be locked up for, but he knew it could be for a very long time. He understood that it was paramount that his life be protected, because if someone were to kill both he and James at the same time they would both die, so he had no wish to jeopardise that...but he missed James and Remus, he missed them so badly that when he was alone he would think of nothing else.

Finally, after being locked up for a week Dumbledore paid the restless man a visit, he found Sirius pacing frantically, running fingers through his hair and frowning. When he saw Dumbledore he froze and waited.

"I am afraid to say that the Governors have been calling for your dismissal...I have no choice but to comply."

Sirius nodded slowly and sat down heavily on his bed. "What will you do with me?" He asked in a soft voice.

"There is something...I have been unwilling to try it, but I have little choice. There is a spell that can both keep you and James safe and keep you out of trouble."

"What is it?" Sirius looked at him excitedly.

"You will not like it."

"I don't care, if it means I can protect James' identity and keep him safe I will do it."

"Very well then...I can place you in an enchanted sleep, for as long as necessary, and I will hide you within the castle, this will mean that if James is 'killed' he will not die, and neither will you. Only I will know where your hideout is, and only I will be aware that you are not dead."

Sirius slowly licked his lips as he gazed at the wall. "Even James and Remus?" He asked.

"Even them, I can tell them that you found a way to take your own life without hurting James..."

"I...I don't like that..."

"There is no other way, you must be dead to the world, already your name is known throughout the Wizarding world, Lestrange will not be the only one hunting you...and I have every belief that Voldemort is not dead, if he is to discover that James is still living he will make him his first target purely out of spite."

XXX

James pushed open Sirius' door. "Siri?" He whispered and paused as silence greeted him, he frowned and stepped into the apartment, gazing around at the walls. It was dark, Sirius had not even bothered to light candles. With his frown deepening he moved towards the bedroom area he felt a chill down his spine as he opened the bedroom door, it creaked loudly. "Sirius? It's me, I'm just wandering what Dumbledore sai-..." He stopped midsentence and gazed at the bed.

Sirius lay on it, as white as a sheet with his eyes closed so his lashes rested on his cheeks. His hands clasped above his heart and he was as still as stone. James almost toppled to his knees, but he grabbed the wall for support, insisting that Sirius was just sleeping, he had to be just sleeping...there was no way he could die...

XXX

Remus gazed numbly at the gravestone. Even after the funeral he couldn't believe it, even as he stared at the elegantly carved script he couldn't, _wouldn't_ believe it. It should have been impossible, but the evidence of his eyes destroyed any hope...Sirius Black was dead.

The graveyard was silent, there had only been a few, mourners, Remus and James along with Dumbledore and a few other staff members. Sirius had died alone, alone and broken and as James gazed down at the fresh pile of dirt that covered the corpse of his best friend and lover he realised that he was to blame, he had helped push Sirius into oblivion. As their fellow mourners drifted off he collapsed to his knees, hands covering his face as he tried to fight off the tidal wave of grief. He had lost Lily and now he had lost Sirius as well...he began to think that perhaps he was cursed, he must be to lose two of his most treasured people. He felt warm arms around him, shaking hands grasped his shoulders and he felt Remus' chest hitch as they sought even the tiniest comfort from each other.

"H-He's dead..." Remus whispered, his voice barely audible.

James shook his head and lowered it, his chest hurt, his body ached horribly and all he wanted to do was to curl up and sleep forever. He had lost nearly every single joy in his whole life so now only one remained to him and that one thing was currently too far away and was convinced that he himself was dead.

XXX

The years passed slowly, James tried to live each day, he tried to continue to put one foot in front of the other but he was beginning to find that harder and harder, the more he begged Dumbledore to let him go reveal himself to Harry, the more the old man refused. The longer he sat alone in the darkness and focussed his entire being on his son, the harder it was to control the urge to flee...

Eventually, after two years of torturing himself, James Potter disappeared.

Dumbledore almost expected it to happen, he knew James would be reluctant to defy him when it came to Harry, and so he made no move to chase him. He was still grieving the destruction of his world, with Sirius' death he had begun to become bitter and withdrawn, he spoke only when needed, avoiding any casual conversation. Remus had long ago gone off, wandering the country and Dumbledore kept a vague track on him, just in case he was needed.

XXX

James travelled, he left the country and began moving through Europe, he tried to force himself to forget, he tried to remove every trace of Sirius from his very being, but he knew it was impossible. He got into fights, he visited foreign whore houses, sleeping with anyone who had long black hair and grey-ish eyes. He went from country to country and fell ever deeper into depression.

He would sit in pubs, hood pulled low over his face as he tried to drink away the memories of Sirius' eyes, his lips, his smile...until it became unbearable and he went off to find someone, anyone, who resembled him.

XXX

Dumbledore knew he could not keep Sirius' false death a total secret, he would need help which was why, when Severus came to him after seeing Sirius' body for himself he knew who to tell.

"Headmaster, I am reluctant to believe that a wizard such as Black could have died so easily..." Snape said, gazing across the desk at Dumbledore with shrewd eyes.

"Whatever do you mean, Severus?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"For one thing he has been using Dark Magic to keep Potter alive, I doubt he would be able to die easily..."

"Severus, please come with me." Dumbledore stood and they left his office, Snape followed as his curiosity got the better of him.

Down in an unused part of the castle was a room with a heavy bar across it and several powerful enchantments protecting it. Severus frowned but held his tongue as Dumbledore whispered an incantation and the door slowly opened. The room was dark but as they entered candles ignighted around them, turning the walls bright orange and highlighting a deep stone coffin-like structure. Snape moved closer to it, eyes glittering in the light as he leaned over the edge of the stone coffin and gasped. "Black!"

"Indeed. I deemed it prudent to convince him to put himself into a kind of stasis, he is sleeping and will not wake until either I die or choose to wake him. He is safer in this state than awake as he not only has people hunting him, but he is also dangerous...much more so than even he thinks." Dumbledore leaned over the coffin and gazed sadly into Sirius' peaceful face. "I am convinced that he is completely unaware of just how powerful he is, if we can harness his power when Voldemort does return then perhaps we have a good chance of protecting Harry...if the Dark get to him first and use his power to aid themselves, then I cannot say for sure if we will be able to protect Harry...it is all dependent upon whether we can control him."

Severus gazed down at the man he had hated for so long, he looked peaceful, his skin like alabaster as if he had been carved out of stone. He reached in and touched his cheek, he felt like stone, as cold as a corpse. "You wish to control him? Impossible Albus." Snape whispered, unable to tear his eyes away from the image of Sirius, he had imagined him dead many times, he remembered going to bed at night at school and imagining what he would look like with glazed eyes and parchment white skin. Now he realised that in death Black looked even more beautiful than he did in life, and he hated him even more for it. "He is reckless and arrogant, he will never listen to a word you say."

"Oh, do not be so sure of that, Severus...I managed to convince him to play dead."

Severus was silent a moment. "Then obviously it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks...does he beg? Roll over? Shake hands?" He sneered. "I have no doubt that he was compliant but I truly believe that had everything to do with the knowledge that he was putting his little lover at risk, the only way to get to a man like Black is through his loved ones...that is where he is weakest, threaten them and he will become putty in your hands."

"I have no wish to threaten James Potter, his role could be just as important, and of course when Harry comes of age he will relish getting to know his father...that boy is our only hope now, we must allow him some joy..." Dumbledore's face became sad as he gazed down at Sirius. "I pity him...I had no wish to have this happen...it was a last resort."

"He is better off sleeping...I have always preferred him that way, it means his mouth is closed." Severus turned away in disgust.


	35. Chapter 35

AN: A nice long chapter for you. :) Now, the italics below have been ripped directly from JK Rowlings book; 'Harry potter and the Half Blood Prince.' I claim to own nothing of that little bit. Please enjoy and thank you all for your wonderful reviews, as always they make me an extremely happy author.

_**"You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." – Albus Dumbledore**_

_"Now, Draco, quickly!" said the brutal-faced man angrily.__But Malfoy's hand was shaking so badly that he could barely aim.___

_"I'll do it," snarled Greyback, moving towards Dumbledore with his hands outstretched, his teeth bared.___

_"I said no!" shouted the brutal-faced man; there was a flash of light and the werewolf was blasted out of the way; he hit the ramparts and staggered, looking furious. Harry's heart was hammering so hard it seemed impossible that nobody could hear him standing there, imprisoned by Dumbledore's spell...if he could only move, he could aim a curse from under the Cloak-___

_"Draco, do it, or stand aside so one of us-" screeched the woman, but at that precise moment the door to the ramparts burst open once more and there stood Snape, his wand clutched in his hand as his black eyes swept the scene, from Dumbledore slumped against the wall, to the four Death Eaters, including the enraged werewolf, and Malfoy.___

_"We've got a problem, Snape," said the lumpy Amycus, whose eyes and wand were fixed alike upon Dumbledore, "the boy doesn't seem able-"___

_But somebody else had spoken Snape's name, quite softly.__"Severus ..."___

_The sound frightened Harry beyond anything he had experienced all evening. For the first time, Dumbledore was pleading.__Snape said nothing, but walked forwards and pushed Malfoy roughly out of the way. The three Death Eaters fell back without a word. Even the werewolf seemed cowed.__Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore, and there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face.___

_"Severus ... please ..."___

_Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore.__"Avada Kedavra!"___

_A jet of green light shot from the end of Snape's wand and hit Dumbledore squarely in the chest. Harry's scream of horror never left him; silent and unmoving, he was forced to watch as Dumbledore was blasted into the air: for a split second he seemed to hang suspended beneath the shining skull, and then he fell slowly backwards, like a great rag doll, over the battlements and out of sight._

XXX

Down in the lowest rooms of the castle a room burst into light, candles flickered in sconces upon the damp walls, a torch danced frantically as if it too could sense the darkness haunting the castle. As the flames in the torch snapped and crackled there was a sudden, choking gasp from within a stone coffin, a white hand appeared on the edge as something pulled itself upright, coughing and choking as he tried to draw breath. Sirius blinked and gazed around the small, dim room with wide silver eyes, he looked down at himself and checked that he worked properly. When he had steadied himself he climbed out of his coffin and made his way towards the door, it stood open and he frowned. From above him he could hear cries and shouts, screams and explosions...he looked up at the vaulted ceiling, his mind still trying to assimilate what was happening.

XXX

Remus darted around a corner as green light made the wall explode by his head, he gasped in a breath and shot his own retaliatory spell back. There was a scream and a loud curse and suddenly everyone heard someone speak; "It's over, time to go!"

None of the Order bothered to try and attack Snape, they had no idea what had happened but he was obviously trying to get his blond student out of the brunt of the fighting. Remus ran down a corridor, slipping behind a tapestry as spells rocketed over his head. He slid easily down the stairs, skipping one and landing lightly on his feet at the bottom of the staircase. He glanced back over his shoulder and saw that no one had followed him, with a heavy sigh he slumped down onto a stair and peeled back the sleeve of his robes, there was a horrible looking gash there and it hurt him to move his fingers, he held it tightly as he winced.

In the brief silence he heard footsteps...quickly he leapt to his feet, his wand in his uninjured hand pointing down the corridor, he narrowed his eyes, backing slowly and silently into a wall as they drew closer. They were slow steps, as if whoever made them was tired, but Remus wasn't about to underestimate his opponent.

A figure appeared around the bend, Remus acted without thought and fired a powerful spell, the figure cursed softly and deflected it with a strangely familiar grace that made his heart leap into his throat...

Sirius stood before him wearing dusty robes, his hair reached his elbows but his face looked as if it had been preserved. He looked no older than twenty-one, his body as hale and strong as it had been when they had last seen each other. His grey eyes glittered behind his fringe as he smiled slowly. "Remus!" He gasped and stumbled forward, he caught himself on the wall and slid down it with a soft curse. "I feel like I've been asleep forever..." He muttered.

Remus stepped back, his eyes wide and uncomprehending, he had a scratch down one cheek and more scars covering flesh. His hair had silver threaded through its thick strands and he had stubble over his chin and upper lip. Sirius grinned at him but it faltered as he realised Remus didn't seem to be aware that he had only been sleeping, slowly he stood and held up both his hands, holding out his wand for his friend to inspect. "I promise you Remus, It's me."

Remus gazed down at the elaborate wand, it was made from ebony with inlays of mother of pearl and ivory in the shape of vines and flowers. He had admired it when he had first seen it, it was unusual in that Ebony was not a popular wand wood as it was powerful but fickle, it rarely chose an owner. He touched it gently, running his fingers over its smooth surface and feeling the core within vibrate with familiarity. He looked up with tears in his deep brown eyes. "Sirius!" He breathed and the two friends met in the middle of the corridor, their arms locked firmly around each other as they held on tightly.

Sirius pulled away with a low chuckle, his smile was slow as he asked the question Remus had been dreading since he had first realised that Sirius was real and not a hallucination. "Where's Jamie?"

Remus extracted himself carefully as the sounds of battle died from above their heads. "Sirius...James disappeared two years after we buried you." He whispered hoarsely. "We haven't seen him since...but I'm sure he's alright, in fact, now I'm certain he is. With you alive and well, how can he be dead?"

"He left?" Sirius asked with a frown, he looked Remus over carefully, studying every new line, every new strand of grey. "How long have I been sleeping?"

Remus grimaced. "Nine years, Siri...you've been dead for nine years."

Sirius' eyes widened. "Nine...? Wow..." He breathed. "You look...old..."

"And you look exactly how I remember you. It's so good to see you again, Padfoot, old friend."

Sirius' confusion cleared from his eyes and he embraced Remus again. "And you, Moony." Suddenly a feline patronus appeared at the top of the stairs, it sat there and flicked its tail before speaking;

_Meet us in Hospital Wing, members of the Order hurt. Awaiting instruction from Albus._

Remus turned to Sirius with a weak smile. "I suppose it's time we caught you up on matters and I think it's about time you met your Godson..."

"Harry? Harry's here?" Sirius bounded up the stairs, feeling his cold disappointment at James' absence ease away in light of seeing his Godson. "How old would he be now?"

"Sixteen."

"Wow! What does he look like? Is he exactly like James? Ah...I bet he is! A bloody trouble maker and good with the ladies...I bet he's an excellent flier on top of that!" Sirius continued a long, uninterrupted stream of chatter about his Godson as they wended their way through secret passages and short cuts to find the Hospital Wing.

When they reached the doors and opened them only a few people looked up, there was a woman with mousy, shoulder length hair and a heart-shaped face that seemed vaguely familiar to Sirius, as well as several bright haired Weasley's and a blond dreamy looking girl along with a brown, bushy haired girl neither of whom Sirius knew. When they entered several of the gathered people looked up, most of them returned their gazes to the occupant of one of the beds except the bushy haired girl and Arthur Weasley who stood there in open mouthed shock while his wife ignored whatever else was going on in the room.

Sirius shuffled closer to his friend on instinct as the scent of blood filled his nose, he didn't like the way everyone was looking at him.

"What happened?" Remus asked, striding into the room and deflecting any questions by moving towards the bed.

"I-It's Bill..." Said one of the younger red-heads.

Remus looked down at the wounds and even Sirius could tell immediately what they were. "Werewolf." He whispered softly, reaching down and touching his wrist, Remus caught the movement and grabbed his hand, his fingers squeezing a silent apology for a wound inflicted in their fifth year.

"Greyback." Remus croaked and they shared a significant look, Sirius hissed in pity.

Once again the doors to the Wing opened and Sirius turned to see James walking in, he took an abrupt step forward but felt Remus grab his arm in a vice-like grip and pull him back, he leaned close and whispered; "Harry." And Sirius' eyes began to note the differences, Harry was shorter than his father had been at that age, but only by a minute amount, he had the same features except his eyes...his eyes were as green as gem stones and could only ever have belonged to one person.

Harry seemed to be unaware of the new comer, he only had eyes for Bill Weasley lying in the bed as Madam Pomfrey dabbed some ointment onto the long bite wounds. Sirius could feel Remus shifting uncomfortably at his side, he knew that soon the questions would begin and after a brief explanation as to what had happened they did. The young boy Weasley asked if he would be a fully fledged Werewolf, forcing Remus to explain that really they couldn't know. Only Sirius seemed to recognise the signs of distress in his friend, it was in the stiffness of his shoulders, the way his eyes darted around and the way he spoke with a rigidity that only his closest friends could hear.

It wasn't long after McGonagall arrived that Harry broke the news to them, and it was only then that Remus showed a sign of grief. He cried out and fell into a chair, covering his face in his hands, Sirius was there, crouched before him and muttering consoling things. Remus rarely showed his emotions in public, he rarely let others see what was really going on inside his head.

It was after McGonagall had called Harry up to her office that people began asking about Sirius, it was the bushy haired girl who spoke first, breaking the silence in a voice thick with tears. "E-excuse me...but aren't you Sirius Black?" she asked.

Sirius turned slightly from where he was still crouched, smoothing Remus' hair from his face, he straightened with a small smile. "I am, and who are you?"

"H-Hermione Granger...I read about you in some old court records."

Sirius pulled a face. "They hardly show me in my best light." He muttered, pushing hair from his eyes absently.

"Black? You're dead!" Arthur exclaimed. The two had never met before but both purebloods knew their family trees.

"Well...Dumbledore wanted people to think I was dead for...certain reasons...but no, definitely still alive." Sirius tried a smile but no one else returned it so he let it fall awkwardly, he looked down at his feet for a moment.

"Is it true then?" Hermione asked, her eyes searching his face carefully. "That you're Harry's Godfather?"

There was a gasp from the others as Sirius nodded, a smile growing across his face and his eyes lighting up like stars. "Yeah, I am. Jamie made me Godfather when he was born...He was so tiny!" He sighed happily at the memory, but then realised how inappropriate that was and let it fall from his lips again. He realised that actually he couldn't seem to feel much grief for Dumbledore's death, he felt slightly worn out and fatigued and he did feel sad but he wasn't stricken or quite as sad as he knew he probably should be. Remus' shoulders were shaking, even as the heart-shaped faced girl comforted him. Sirius eyed her for a while and suddenly realised where he knew her from, he frowned. "It can't be!" He said softly and she looked up at him, recognition dawning in her dark eyes as she looked him up and down. "Little Dora...? Is that really...wow...you've grown!"

"No one calls me Dora anymore." She said softly. "It's Tonks."

She looked very much like her father, and the only thing 'Black' about her were her eyes. "You've grown up...I must be getting old."

"Last I heard you had died, mum was really upset...she'll be glad to know you're not."

"Actually...about that...It's best we keep it a secret, yeah? I mean...There are certain people who would love to get their hands on me, so for now it's probably safer for everyone if I remain a corpse..."

"What are you going to tell Harry?" Remus asked and slowly looked up at him, Sirius shook his head.

"No idea." Sirius watched Remus and Tonks for a while and couldn't help but smirk softly to himself, the way she touched him, the way he looked at her, it was so blindingly obvious he was astounded that there wasn't a great big flashing sign above their heads saying; WE'RE IN LOVE! It made him glow with a gentle warmth to see Remus smiling in that way, a way he had only ever smiled at him, he was happy for him.

XXX

Harry was sat in his dorms, alone with the locket in one hand and the paper in the other. Dumbledore's funeral was going to happen the very next day and he still couldn't fully digest what had happened, he was about to stand up when the dorm door opened, he assumed it was Ron until he heard an unfamiliar voice.

"Um...I'm not disturbing you am I?"

Harry turned his head and saw a tall man with long black hair, it shone slightly blue beneath the lamps, his eyes were twin pools of pure moonlight and he felt a jolt of recognition in his stomach. Slowly he frowned. "No..."

"Excellent...good..." Sirius entered the dorms and gazed around them, his eyes softened as he looked over the familiar hangings around the four poster beds, he ran them through his fingers and smiled to himself before returning his attention to Harry. "Do you know who I am?" He asked.

"I...I feel like I should..."

Sirius was glad Hermione had neglected to mention it to him, slowly he moved and sat down on Ron's bed, he gazed hungrily at his Godson, his eyes taking on a darkness that seemed to consume them. "Harry Potter..." he breathed. His eyes searched the bed and he spotted a crumpled peice of parchment, a frown dawned on his face and he reached for it. "May I?" He asked, his eyes scanning Harry's face.

"I really don't think..."

"I know this writing." He said and picked it up, turning it over in his fingers and reading the familiar script...

_To the Dark Lord___

_I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can.___

_I face death in the hope that when you meet your match you will be mortal once more.___

_R.A.B._

As he read it over again Sirius felt his hand shake almost imperceptibly, Harry watched from eyes as green as Lily's but Sirius swallowed and looked up. "Wh-Where did you get this?" Harry shook his head slowly, refusing to answer. Sirius leaned closer, his eyes pleading. "Please, Harry...tell me where you got this! I need to know. I promise you, you can trust me, I will explain everything..."

"I can't...I'm sorry...Do you really know who wrote it?"

Sirius gazed back at his brother's handwriting and felt tears sting his eyes. "Yeah...he was my little brother."

"R.A.B?"

Sirius got out his wand and began etching a name into the air between them. "Regulus Arcturus Black."

"Who are you?" Harry breathed.

"My name, Harry, is Sirius and when you were just a tiny baby your father named me your Godfather..."

"Sirius...I know that name...I know you, don't I? You were the same age as me...how...?"

"Magic is cool, isn't it?" Sirius said, handing the note back to Harry. "It was a simple potion, it reduced my age so that I could meet you under a disguise, you see I was prevented from seeing you for security reasons, but in the end I couldn't stay away..." He reached out and touched a lock of that perfectly messy hair and smiled as he moved to sit at the sixteen year olds side. "You're James...so much your father...It's a little scary."

"People tell me that a lot..."

"It's true. You look like your father, but your eyes..." He tipped Harry's head up so their eyes met, his finger rested under his chin. "They're all Lily, she was beautiful and kind and generous..." Suddenly he released Harry and stood up, pacing slightly as if agitated. "Anyway, I'm sure you must have questions..."

"If you're my Godfather...then why do you look so young?" Harry asked.

That wasn't the kind of question Sirius had had in mind but he shrugged. "That is...not a topic we should discuss right now, I'm sorry." He smiled to reassure Harry that he could continue to ask questions.

"What was he like?" Harry whispered, almost as if he was too afraid to discuss his father so openly.

Sirius smiled and sat down at his side. "He was brilliant. Brave, funny, _powerful_..." The way his Godfather's voice had gone when he had spoken the word 'powerful' was soft, it had come out as almost a moan of desperate longing and the tone made all the hairs on Harry's body stand on end, when Sirius looked at him his eyes glittered in his face and Harry looked away, unable to hold the intensity for very long.

"He was also kind in his own way." Sirius' smile changed, it became softer and Harry felt safer looking him in the face. "James Potter was my soul mate, my brother, my best friend...he was my world...still is for that matter."

"What about my mum?"

"Ah..." Sirius chuckled. "We hated each other in school." Harry smiled softly at his obvious joy. "She was wickedly intelligent, her charms skills went almost unrivalled in our year, she was working on seventh year stuff in fifth while James and I lagged behind...But her temper was fiery, like her hair, she set fire to my robes in our second year, had to run into the bathroom to put them out and ended up smelling of burnt hair for the rest of the day." He chuckled at the memory causing Harry's smile to widen. "Of course, I deserved it...even Remus laughed that day...I had hexed some spotty little Hufflepuff because he was there and I was bored...James was really the only person who found that funny..." He glanced at Harry's surprised expression and went on quickly. "We were twelve, we were stupid and arrogant...your father grew up, and ended up marrying your mother in the end, putting that rivalry and hatred behind them."

XXX

"Remus! He's brilliant!" Sirius exclaimed as he threw himself down on the sofa beside his best friend. "Harry's amazing."

Remus smiled fondly. "He is. He has his mother's gentleness, his father's courage...a perfect combination."

Sirius smiled. "Yeah..."

"I think you should go have a bath, Siri, you're still dusty." Remus said with a smirk as he lifted a hank of his long hair. "And get it cut, isn't it annoying being so long?"

Sirius nodded slowly. "It is a bit ridiculous...Oh..." He looked up and narrowed his eyes at Remus. "What is this I heard about you and my baby cousin?"

Remus' face remained impassive but his cheeks heated with embarrassment. "I...I...Well you see...it's..." he stuttered himself into silence as he saw Sirius smirk deviously.

"Have you deflowered her, Remus? You bad boy."

Remus' face deepened in colour and he looked down at his hands. "It was a mistake." He whispered. "I knew I should never have...but she was soft and willing and...and she looked so much like you that day."

Sirius' face fell slightly. "Does she know?" He asked.

Remus shook his head quickly. "Of course not, how could I tell her that I slept with her for that reason? It would be too cruel..."

"What about now? Do you like her for her?"

There was silence until Remus looked his friend in the eyes. "She is funny, intelligent, brave and kind...and she doesn't even care that I am a monster."

Sirius grinned again. "Then go for it! I'll give you my blessing..."

"You don't understand, Sirius!" Remus jumped to his feet and began pacing, Sirius watched him in confusion. "I like her, I truly do...But we cannot be together. It would never work. I'm much too old, too poor, too _monstrous_! She doesn't truly understand what I would be able to do to her, what my reputation would do to her family! I...I can't do that to her..."

"You're a fool, Moony." Sirius said slowly. "If she loves you none of that will matter at all, she wants you for who you are...let her in, let her make you happy. You are _not _a monster."

"Not a..." Remus spun around and climbed practically into Sirius' lap, his eyes flashed amber as he grabbed Sirius' wrist and drew it up, his sleeve slid down to reveal several deep gouges; claw marks. "...That night I nearly killed you." He whispered. "My best friend, the man I loved and I nearly tore you to shreds."

Sirius' eyes darkened with the memory, he remembered how hard it had been to hold onto his transformation yet knowing that if he didn't he would contract Lycanthropy. He remembered feeling that coiling, twisting terror as the wolf had turned on him, broken his leg, his arm and very nearly torn his hand off...even though at the time it had been a paw. Slowly he took Remus' hand and let his sleeve cover the scars, with his own yelping screams echoing in his head and half remembered terror he kissed Remus' fingers. "You could have, but you didn't. We all knew the risks we were undertaking those nights, it was only difficult to gain the wolf's trust but when we had it was easier."

"We had to lie through our teeth to Dumbledore...It was dangerous and stupid..."

"And I'd do it a million times over." Sirius smiled gently and pushed hair from Remus' lined face. "Because we love you Remus, we're your best friends, and we would die for you. If Tonks wants you, knowing her mother the way I do, nothing will stop her from getting what she wants...just give in and for once in your life let yourself be happy, you great fool."

XXX

Sirius lay in the deep bath and gazed up through the steam at the vaulted ceiling of the teacher's bathroom. He had one long leg dangling casually over the edge of the white tub while bubbles floated around him lazily. He sighed and sank deeper remembering his last conversation with the venerable headmaster...

"_This is the Draft of Living Death, I had Professor Snape brew you some, although he is unaware of why I asked for it...we also have another potion that will preserve you and prevent your body from starving or actually dying. Now, please drink both."_

_Sirius sat down on his bed and gazed at the two bottles, one was full of soothing lilac liquid and the other was a gentle grass green. Slowly he reached for the green bottle and lifted it, he removed the cork and raised it in a mock toast. "To Prongs." He muttered to himself and downed the bitter liquid, with a wince he dropped the bottle and picked up the next. "To Moony...I hope you're happy." He muttered with a frown and drank the potion within, it tasted pleasantly like liquorish. _

"_Now then, remember that you will wake when I release you or when the potions leave your body..."_

_Dumbledore continued to speak but Sirius could no longer focus on his soft droning voice, his breathing was coming slower and his body lost feeling, his vision blurred horribly as he let himself fall back into the cushions. He could feel his heart slowing down and felt a sudden upsurge of panic. "Dummledor..." He slurred and the old man looked at him._

"_This is perfectly normal, Sirius. I promise that no harm will come to you."_

_Sirius tried to nod but his eyes were becoming heavy, slowly they closed and his last thoughts were of James as he slipped into the deepest sleep. Dumbledore gazed down at the young man, his black hair splayed elegantly across the cushion and his hand by his slightly turned face, his fingers curled inwards. His chest moved once, twice and stopped. Slowly he arranged him into a less relaxed pose and sighed softly. "I am so sorry, Sirius."_

He opened his eyes as the hot water cooled around him, he splashed around for a moment, grabbing handfuls of bubbles and blowing them into the air just to watch them float back down again. He grinned happily to himself, giggling like a child before realising what he was doing and stopping abruptly. He sighed and closed his eyes, cushioning his head against the rim of the tub, he had one arm dangling over the side and he let his mind wander, he thought back to his last encounter with James in the Forbidden Forest, he remembered his gentle touches, his soft whispers and felt heat flare in his groin. "Jamie..." He whispered as he let his other hand glide down his wet chest and abdomen. He could see those hazel eyes glowing with passion, as he heard James' moans in his head he wrapped his hand around his growing erection and steadily began moving it.

The candles around the room flickered, wax dripped to the stone floor steadily as they burned and the air was full of fog and the soft sounds of heavy breathing and moving water.

XXX

"Professor?" Sirius knocked as he entered the rounded office, his eyes lingered on the portrait of his hated ancestor before swivelling away and seeing McGonagall sitting behind Dumbledore's desk.

"Mr. Black, do come in..." The stern witch said as she waved her hand airily in the direction of the large wing backed chair opposite. "Ginger Newt?" she offered him a tin of newt shaped biscuits, Sirius declined with a shake of his head.

"Can I ask what this is about?"

"You can, but I will be unable to give you a proper answer. It was not me who called you here but..." She turned her head to a large painting sat on the wall in the space behind the desk, Sirius followed her gaze and saw Dumbledore smiling down at him.

"Albus..." Sirius said softly with a small smile, he remembered the man's elaborate funeral and all those who had shed tears for him.

"You look well, Dear boy." The man said quietly. "Minerva, would you be so kind as to leave us alone for a moment?"

"Of course."

When McGonagall had left Dumbledore sighed softly. "I regret many things, Sirius." He said with twinkling blue eyes. "But nothing more so than allowing James to leave...I do, however, happen to know where it was he went. Before my unfortunate death I asked Fawks to tail him, he was last seen in Bolivia as healthy and well as one can be when the love of their life dies. I have asked Minerva to call him back to us."

Sirius felt his heart soar and a grin split his face. "Brilliant!"

"In exchange, I would have something of you."

"Anything Albus." Sirius agreed.

"I want you to take Harry under your wing, we have very little time until he turns seventeen and in that time I wish you to teach him all you know."

"Everything?"

"Everything, Sirius. It is imperitive he is armed with the knowledge from one who has created a Horcrux himself, I know of no other. I wish Harry to be taught defence, advanced defence...You have not only learnt to defend against the Dark Arts but actually practised them, your knowledge will be imperitive in his development."

Slowly Sirius frowned. "Sir, are you asking me to train Harry, a sixteen year old boy, to become a Soldier?"

"You were not much older yourself."

"No, but the fights ruined me." Sirius muttered, running fingers through his shorter hair. "Albus, I'm really not sure if i..."

"If you do not, Harry will die." Dumbledore said slowly, his voice low yet full of warning.

"but he's..."

"He can no longer hide behind the protection of others, he is nearly a man and he must take on the responsibilities of adult hood, not only that but Voldemort forced him into this the moment he marked him with that scar...Sirius, you remain his only hope."

"Fight fire with fire." Sirius said absently as he leaned back in the chair and watched the portrait from heavily lidded eyes, the eyes of a killer. "Very well, I'll do it."

"Thank you, dear boy...You may be able to save his life."


	36. Chapter 36

AN: Ok, in this little chappy we have a little heart to heart with Remus and Tonks...d'awww! They are such a sweet het-couple I can hardly resist putting in their relationship. I have tried to keep Tonks in character but that is difficult when she doesn't get as much 'air-time' as the others, please forgive me if I have failed. As for the previous chapter, I apologise, some of you don't think my description of Remus' reaction to Sirius' sudden revival is accurate. I tried to keep him subdued, especially since in Canon he is a very internal man who doesn't show much emotion on the outside, but perhaps I took it too far and glossed over their reunion. Next time I will try to put in more, I apologise most sincerely and am eternally grateful to your continued support and constructive criticism, this is how I learn. :)

_**At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.**_

Sirius stood in the shadows of the dimly lit street, he gazed at the house for a while and watched the flickering light from the muggle's tele-vis-something-or-other through the hideous net curtains. His eyes travelled up to the top floor and he could see a light on in one of the bedrooms, he watched a shadow pass before it and smiled as he stepped into the road. He walked confidently to the door, his long robes and over-cloak sweeping behind him majestically. He had deliberately forgone muggle clothing in an attempt to intimidate the inhabitants of Number Four Privet Drive. He lifted his hand and knocked twice, he waited as he heard someone within.

"Who the bloody hell would call this late?" Vernon Dursley exclaimed furiously as he trundled to the door, adjusting his trousers and pulling it open. "He-..." He paused mid-greeting as the door opened to reveal a tall man with his face half covered by a hood, he wore flowing robes of deep midnight blue with silver thread adorning the sleeves which ended in a point over the backs of pale, long fingered hands. He could see an enigmatic smile barely concealed by the shadows of the hooded cloak, but the light from the hallway glinted off of unusually sharp teeth.

"Hello Mr. Dursley...is Harry in?" Sirius asked in his politest tone.

"Wha-who?" Vernon stuttered and he tried to close the door, but was prevented by that white hand grabbing it and forcing it back open.

"I would have thought you would be a little politer...but I suppose that's Muggle's for you. I have to see Harry..." Sirius paused. "_Now_." He said in a low voice, almost a growl.

Vernon Dursley stood perfectly still, amazed by the strength in that hand and frozen to the spot in horror. He hadn't expected one of _Harry's lot_ to come to the door, and he felt a cold chill down his spine when he tried to gaze into that hood to see more of the man's face. Finally though he uprooted his feet and turned towards the stairs; "HARRY!" He bellowed. "IT'S ONE OF...ONE OF _YOUR_ LOT! GET DOWN HERE!"

There were feet on the landing and finally a boy appeared on the stairs, messy hair damp and sticking up at all kinds of angles. Sirius sucked in a sharp breath, he had to force himself to recognise the boy as Harry, he looked startlingly like his absent father and the vision of it was agony. "Who...?" The boy frowned, his hand hovering uncertainly over his pocket above what Sirius knew to be his wand.

Sirius slowly reached up and pulled down his hood, his smile warmed and he leaned on the lintel with an easy grin. "Long time, Harry."

"Sirius!" Harry's face split into a grin and he hopped down the last few stairs. "Come in."

"Now wait just a minute there, boy!" Vernon said sternly. "I will not have..."

"What you will or will not have, Mr. Dursley, is of no concern to me." He pushed his way inside, past the spluttering fat man and into the hallway, he gazed around with fascination. "Wow..." He breathed as he took in his surroundings with wide-eyed amazement. "This is amazing..." He turned to Harry, grinning from ear to ear. "You live here? What's it like living with Muggles?" he looked up at the light. "Light bulbs...how do they work?" He reached up but at a warning noise from Harry he let his hand drop.

"They're hot, Sirius!" Harry said with laughter in his voice.

"They are? Why?" His silver eyes glittered in his pale face as curiosity nearly drove his mission from his mind and Vernon spluttered in the background as he slowly turned purple.

"Why are you here?" Harry asked, not wanting to explain about electricity and filaments.

"Oh, yeah...that." Sirius pushed hair from his eyes as he followed Harry into the living room, he reigned in his fascination and settled for snatching quick glances around the Muggle infested house. "You might want to sit down, this could take some explaining." Vernon had followed them and his skinny, horse-faced wife gazed at the pair with wide eyes, Sirius ignored them as he took a seat, uninvited, opposite his godson. "I am here to act as your teacher..." Sirius began slowly, lounging elegantly in the sofa and looking Harry directly in his eyes through his ebony fringe. "Dumbledore has asked me to teach you advanced Defence against what you must do, I am supposed to teach you about...Dark Magic."

Harry went pale. "I'm not learning _that_!" He exclaimed.

"No, of course not...let me rephrase..." Sirius paused as he gazed at an old school photograph of a fat, ugly little boy in a silly straw hat, he played with strands of his hair absently before returning his eyes to Harry. "I am supposed to teach you about certain spells you may encounter on this...journey..."

Harry frowned. "So...are you telling me you know about...about Horcrux's?" He asked, leaning forward in his seat.

Sirius' smile was small and made Harry shudder as he felt power radiate from the man. "Intimately." He said in a slow drawl Harry had come to associate with Slytherin's.

Harry's eyes widened. "Dumbledore sent a Dark Wizard to teach me?"

"Well...that could be debated but if you wish to see it that way then yes, I suppose that would be a fair assessment." Sirius' smile became softer and he leaned forward. "It's ok Harry, I would never, ever hurt you."

The distrust in those green eyes hurt but Sirius hid the emotion easily, he had expected worse. "Then...what kind of things will you be teaching me?"

"As much as I can in the limited time we have, things like Patronus'..."

"I can do that already..."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Really? Impressive, Harry. Can you just produce mist or form a corporeal patronus?"

"Corporeal." Harry smiled at Sirius' fascinated stare.

"What form does it take?" He asked softly.

"A stag...it's always a stag."

Sirius felt his chest hitch. "Prongs..." He whispered and his smile was all at once heartbreakingly sad and beautiful to behold. "I would like to see it when we begin."

"What else?"

Sirius considered him. "I would need to test your skills to know the best level, the things I have to impart on you are going to be physically and emotionally draining, I won't expect you to get it right away but we have no choice but to speed things along as quickly as possible. Our time is limited so I would ask you to stay with me until the appropriate time when the Order will remove you from your home."

Harry nodded slowly. "What...what will happen? I mean, when I leave, what will happen to them?" He waved his hand vaguely in the direction of his muggle relatives, Sirius suppressed a smirk, the gesture had been casual and yet totally reminiscent of a typical Pureblood, dismissing those with no talent (Even though he was certain that was not Harry's intention, he was much too innocent to be cruel to that degree).

"From what Remus has told me they are planning to whisk them away, it would be safer for everyone." Sirius said with a small, uncaring shrug. "Especially you, I hear you have a... 'Saving people' thing?"

Harry's mouth twitched. "Ron told you that?" Sirius nodded and saw those green eyes survey his silent Aunt and Uncle carefully, he could almost hear the wheels turning as he considered if he really would risk his life to save them. "Well, alright...when do we start?"

Sirius smiled. "As soon as you get some stuff together...I'll wait here."

Harry jumped to his feet quickly and bolted for the stairs, pushing past his Uncle's furious face. Sirius leaned back on the sofa and lifted his legs, putting his muddy boots on the immaculate coffee table. Petunia let out a small, whining moan of horror, he smirked to himself. "So...how has Harry been then?" He asked, lifting those inquisitive, silver eyes to the adults.

"Wait just a damned moment here, young man!" Vernon blustered, his moustache quivering in his indignation. "You come into _my _house with that insolent manner and expect us to treat you like a _guest_? Outrageous! Preposterous!" Petunia nodded vigorously at his shoulder. "We don't even know who you are!"

Sirius' boots thumped loudly as he put them back on the floor, slowly and with all the grace of a dancer, he stood and towered above the shorter man. "I am Sirius Black, your nephews Godfather." He said slowly. "I haven't been able to have much of a role in Harry's life up until this moment due to personal circumstances, but now I intend to teach him everything you have failed to do so!"

Petunia looked him up and down. "That is impossible!" She exclaimed suddenly, startling her husband. "Lily was the same age as you when she died, she would be thirty five or thirty six by now..."

Sirius smiled. "Magic is a wondrous thing, Mrs. Dursley..." He said mysteriously. "I am in fact thirty-six years old."

Petunia's jaw dropped as she eyed the extremely handsome man before her, his long hair brushed his shoulders, tied back with a satin ribbon in an old fashioned style that highlighted the aristocratic bone structure beneath skin as smooth and white as milk. Those beautiful silver eyes made her cheeks heat with an unbecoming blush and she knew just by looking at him that he would be rebellious and possibly dangerous...so why was she feeling this odd attraction to him? She spluttered in confusion at her own strange feelings but her husband saved her from having to speak. Sirius was slightly repulsed by the attraction he saw in those pale, ugly eyes and he couldn't stop himself from stepping back a little...it wasn't simply the fact that she was female and ugly as sin, but also because he had, in recent years, never been one to find himself attracted to anyone without power...without some form of magical prowess, and he simply couldn't even stand the thought of her even touching him. In the seconds in which those thoughts shot through his mind he felt a sudden, sickening swooping sensation in his gut as he recalled his encounters with the brown, curly haired muggle of his youth. He felt a moment of confusion, finding it disturbing how his mind had even come to such a disturbing revelation and he swallowed hard, turning his back on the Muggles and looking down at his hands in utter shock and self-disgust.

Vernon had been speaking, but he had ignored it until he heard the words; 'Useless, ingrate Potter.'

Something snapped in his mind and he spun on the spot, eyes narrowing furiously. "What did you just say?" He whispered hoarsely.

"...I was saying that the boy has been an ingrate since he was first dropped on us, and now here he is trying to have us removed from the house so he can sell it for himself! It must be inherent in the genes like Margery has always said...his Father was a useless..."

Sirius had drawn his wand and the black tip was now pointing directly into the Muggle's face. "Repeat it." He demanded. "Repeat that and I will hex you so thoroughly the Ministry will have to reassemble your mutilated corpse from the tiny pieces I will leave to identify you! Do you understand me? Give me the pleasure of doing it, I would love to see your eyes as I rip you to shreds! I dare you! _Push me_!" His voice was as soft as silk and as dangerous as a Basilisk waiting to strike, Dursley seemed to have lost his previous bluster and outrage when confronted by a man with murder in his eyes.

"Siriu-what's going on?" Harry asked as he dropped his suitcase and gazed at the scene of Sirius pointing his wand into his Uncle's face while his Aunt gibbered in terror.

Slowly Sirius forced his emotions under control, with a huge wrench of his will he let his wand drop to his side and took a shuddering breath. "Do not _ever_ insult Harry or James in my presence again, you filthy Mu-muggle..." He winced at his near-slip and turned to Harry. "I apologise, shall we go?"

Harry frowned slightly at his Godfather's back as he stepped out into the hallway, he was not disillusioned, he knew what Sirius was about to say and wandered if he was doing the right thing of trusting this man...Dumbledore himself had paid the ultimate price for misplaced trust, Harry had no intention of doing the same, but he had little choice as his arm was taken in a tight grip. "Have you ever apparated before?" Sirius asked, trying to change that horrible look of suspicion on Harry's face.

"Yeah, Dumbledore..." His voice tripped over the name and he cleared his throat with a frown. "Dumbledore took me once, Side-along..."

"I see, then, hold tight."

They spun into suffocating darkness.

XXX

Remus lay on the sofa, his hands stuffed into his thick but greying hair. He had his eyes closed tightly and his lips parted slightly as he tried to regain his composure. He hadn't meant to see it, he hadn't even been aware she was in the bathroom, he had just unwittingly blundered in and seen Tonks in all her naked glory with wet purple hair and wide violet eyes. He remembered the way the water had dripped tantalising down the soft curve of her hip and well rounded breasts, with a shiver he hit himself in the head for being such a perverted old man. Living with her was harder than he had thought it would be, they had decided to go slowly in their budding new relationship and so they slept in separate beds, not to mention he was afraid his self-control would slip if they lay beside each other.

He was humiliated, and yet, that dark part of him that wanted nothing more than to give into that animalistic lust that he felt whenever he was around the petit woman threatened to turn him into a rampant teenager again. He groaned and rubbed at his cheeks with his palms, he had to regain some control, he was supposed to be the elder!

Slowly Tonks pushed the living room door open, it was a small, neat and homely room with a huge fire built in the grate and books lining the shelves in copious numbers. She smiled to herself as she spotted her Werewolf lying on the sofa contemplating his embarrassment, she was confused by it but it was endearing, Remus' old fashioned views on propriety and proper social conduct made her frustrated but happy. Tonks had never been bothered by it, she had been perfectly happy to flaunt her nudity for any of her lovers, confident in her body and self image, a rare thing for any modest Hufflepuff, but she knew Remus' self consciousness about his own scars and the pain that he associated with them, so she let him be the Gentleman and only smirked deviously when he became flustered and uncomfortable in her presence.

"Remus?" She broke the silence and watched him jump as he sat upright, carefully she stepped into the room holding her dressing gown closed. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yes I..." Remus felt his pulse speed up at the flimsy garment wrapped around his (...what? Girlfriend?) housemate. It was barely covering anything, the hem of the soft purple material came up to the tops of her thighs and she annoyingly sat right next to him on the sofa, interlocking their fingers together and ignoring his discomfort and sudden, childish blush. "...Sorry..." He muttered, lowering his head so hair fell into his eyes.

"It's fine, we've already slept together." She soothed, gently stroking his back and smiling adoringly at him.

"B-But that was...I was drunk...and I...Merlin why is this so hard?" He put his face in his hands. "James never had this much trouble with girls!"

Tonks chuckled softly, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck absently. "What was he like?" She asked curiously.

"Arrogant..." Remus whispered softly, the respect and utter devoted love in his voice made her happy, Remus rarely expressed emotion openly and she felt proud that he felt comfortable enough around her to be so expressive. "Arrogant and charming, he managed to bed Julia Argon in our fourth year if I remember and she was a prude...he gloated about that one for weeks..." He trailed off, remembering Sirius' badly disguised hurt. "He was...brave. Brave and beautiful and so, so _wonderful_. I have never known a man who could make anyone, including Mad-eye, like him instantly!"

Tonks smiled affectionately, enjoying the way her werewolf became so animated when speaking of his friends. "And what about Sirius? I've heard bits from my mum, but she didn't really like to discuss her side of the family..."

Remus' shoulders tensed, he didn't seem able to meet her eyes. "Sirius is darker, a force of pure, uncontrollable emotion..." He whispered the words in a low, reverent tone that showed his respect for his friend but also something deeper...either fear or some other unidentifiable emotion, Tonks wasn't sure she really wished to know. Once he started, Remus was unable to stop. "Sirius Black is the a-typical Pureblood, arrogant, disdainful of all those he deems 'unworthy' of his attentions, he can be quick to anger, easily infuriated and yet...yet he can be so kind and gentle, he is loyal to a fault and that has caused some greater issues. He's like lightening, once he is in your life he makes everything so hectic, so full of this barely concealed passion and it is enough to take ones breath away and perhaps his wits when he's at his most passionate..." He swallowed, remembering the few times he had had Sirius, he remembered the fire of the man beneath him as it soaked into his soul and consumed him. With a violent shudder he continued. "He's addictive, his eyes are enough to drown the unwary..."

Tonks paused in her slow, comforting strokes of her boyfriends shoulders. A small frown dawned on her pretty face as a dark, terrifying thought descended upon her. "Remus...are you in love with him?" She asked, feeling slightly breathless and scared of his answer.

Slowly he lifted his head, those deep pools of chocolate brown gazing at her with a deep sadness as he lifted his hand and traced her jaw. "I was...for a long time I wanted him, but he's always been James' creature."

"Y-You..." She felt her stomach evaporate. "You...and...Sirius..."

Remus withdrew. "I'm sorry." He said. "I know, many people find it repulsive and I will understand if you decide not to pursue a relationship with me, but you must know that Sirius has been the only man I have ever been with, and I have never wanted another man in that way. It has only ever been him...but like I said, he belongs to James and always will."

Slowly Tonks digested his words, she had very few memories of her cousin in their past, but what she did know of him came from her mother. He had been a rebel, making sure to go against everything he had ever been taught and breaking away from the family who despised him, much to Andromeda's pleasure. She had also known, from her mother's random mutterings, that he was a deep, secretive man who preferred to keep his real soul locked away behind bars of iron. Slowly she decided that actually she didn't mind that Sirius was gay, or that Remus had been with him at some point in their pasts, because she had experimented, in the darkness of the Hufflepuff dorms with her girlfriends, and where it had been nowhere near as exciting as the hot, hard muscles of a male it had piqued her curiosity non-the-less...she could hardly condemn anyone else who found pleasure in the touch of the same sex without being a total hypocrite. So, with a small sigh, she touched her Boyfriend on the arm and smiled. "I don't care...it's all in the past and I love you here and now."


	37. Chapter 37

AN: Hi again! I am updating so soon because I'm worried I may not be able to update tomorrow, so in the hopes of not keeping you waiting I give you my latest chapter. :) (FYI, I have written this in advance so it's not a specially written chappy!) I have tried to cover as much basis as I can, remembering that everything (Except Sirius' bits) in the books Harry has actually experienced to a certain degree. This chapter contains scenes of torture...magical torture but I feel I must warn my more sensitive readers. Other than that, have fun and love every tantalising review! All this interest is more than flattering! (Lastly; No, Sirius will NOT end up with harry in any romantic way what so ever, he is a guardian and protector. If you wish for Harry/ Sirius I have two stories on both my profiles. Thanks)

_**You may be out of my sight but never out of my mind. I Miss You!**_

"En garde. Prêt. Allez" Sirius said in a loud, clear voice.

Harry's frown of concentration was endearing, he had a fine sheen of sweat on his brow as he struck the first blow, Sirius deflected it with terrifying ease. They were stood opposite each other in a dim room, when Harry had first seen it he had wondered curiously as to how no one had discovered this elaborately wrought mansion in the middle of nowhere. The pair of them had arrived two days ago, Sirius had shown him around his stately family home with little interest, his tone when indicating certain points was bored and Harry was sure he detected a note of bitterness. Now they were in the roomy cellar beneath the Mansion, there was plenty of room for duelling practise and Harry felt liberated when he began to show Sirius what he knew. It turned out that his one-time, ineffectual experience with Wizarding duels were nothing like what Sirius was teaching him, he was using words in French and Latin with the fluidity of a native speaker and sometimes he confused Harry, but his skill was undeniable. His movements were snake-like, with a speed that Harry had only witnessed in Lord Voldemort, his Death Eaters and some members of the Order. He used attacks that seared the air, sending scorching winds over the boy until he was driven backwards and fell on his rump with an exclamation of shock.

Sirius smiled kindly and helped him to his feet. "Admittedly it's very unlikely that Voldemort and the likes will give you the chance at a formal duel, but this is a good way to gauge your reaction speed and level...I must say, I'm impressed." His smile widened. "You're pretty good for someone your age, your reflexes are almost as good as James'."

Harry shook his head, breathing heavily from being put through his paces. "I...I doubt..." He panted.

"Don't be so hard on yourself Harry, I never expected you to be perfect...everyone has to start somewhere, even me."

"Were you this good at school?" Harry asked as he straightened and caught his breath.

"I was, my father taught me to duel several years before I attended Hogwarts. It was my...duty..." He sneered at the word, as if it was offensive. "I also had to learn fast to defend myself, the corridors in my day were more likely to break out in random squabbles from inter-house vendettas." He grinned. "Especially Gryffindor and Slytherin, the amount of times Filch gave me the cane for duelling in the corridors is uncountable! I still feel sore thinking about it." He laughed lightly and Harry gazed at him with wide eyes.

"Filch used the cane on _students_?" He exclaimed.

"Yeah, well, it took Albus a while to reform the punishments after Dippet retired...he had to cut it back slowly, let the Governors see how well detentions over Corporal punishment worked. He did it in my fifth year...after years of campaigning for students well being. Trust me, it was worse when my Mother was at school...infinitely so." He smiled fondly for a moment before gaining back a more serious expression. "Now then, you know the drill Harry! One more round." Sirius bowed and lifted his wand in salute. "En Guard!"

XXX

The street of the small village was dark as night crept in, the only noises were from a pub in the small village square and the only person walking those cobbled streets was a man wrapped firmly in a dark cloak. His feet moved rapidly, booted heels tapping stone. He paused and gazed up at what appeared to be a war monument before he expelled a soft, sad sigh and moved on.

The graveyard was silent and once he was cloaked in shadows he drew down his hood revealing a head full of soft brown hair; Remus Lupin gazed at the large white headstone for a long time, he was silent as he read the words written across it, the names stood out and hurt when he read them and he found himself wandering wistfully where James was.

It wasn't that there was noise that alerted his attention, it was more the absence of it. He felt the creeping sensation that he was being watched. Slowly he lifted his head and gazed around with a slight frown, his hand gripped his wand as he tensed and took a deep inhalation of breath. Someone was definitely hiding in the shadows of the nearby bushes. Slowly he withdrew his wand, keeping his arm by his side to act as innocuous as possible in case it was a muggle...then the trees nearby rustled and he spun around. His eyes widened impossibly as he watched a huge, beautiful stag step slowly from the trees, his breathing caught as the familiarity in those liquid brown eyes crushed the air from his lungs.

"Prongs..." He whispered, hardly able to contain himself as he stepped forward, his hand out, reaching to touch those velvety antlers that had led to the nickname of his best friend. But, before he could touch them the stag melted, reforming into a solid, human form.

"Moony...old friend..." James Potter whispered and before either of them could speak they were embracing tightly. Remus' fingers found that wonderfully familiar messy hair and gripped it for all he was worth.

"James!" He gasped as he fought heavily with the tumultuous emotions spreading through his warming body. "I-It's really..."

"It's me, Remus. I'm home." James breathed, enjoying the firm embrace of his last remaining friend. After an eternity he slowly drew away, his hands lingering on Remus' shoulders so he could get a proper look at him, his smile was slow, much too slow and Remus felt a jolt of worry. "You've aged." He muttered, gazing thoughtfully into those brown eyes, Remus' smile was so gentle and full of an inexplicable joy that he let the insult pass. "And I remain the same..."

"You look...good." Remus replied slowly, noting the stiffness of his best friend's shoulders, the way his eyes crinkled around the edges as he seemed to be fighting with something. "How are you?"

"I'm..." James sighed and released him. "I'm...bad." He muttered. "I miss..." He let the sentence hang in the air and turned his back, missing the excited grin spreading across Remus' unusually expressive face. "...I wanted to come see him...after Lily..."

"I understand." Remus managed to keep his excitement from his voice and smoothed his face into something less childish, he decided that James could wait to hear the most amazing news in the world, he wanted to surprised him with it. "Jamie, will you come talk?"

"In a bit. I want to say hello to Lily." James turned to the grave and knelt before it, his black cloak spreading across the grass like a pool of night. "Lily..." he breathed as his heart ached painfully in his chest. "My Lily..." He lifted his wand and waved it, a bunch of exquisite lilies appeared in crimson and gold as they landed on the mound of grassy earth at the foot of the white headstone. James ignored his own name beside his wife's he knew that while In Britain he had no choice but to 'play dead' but he wished to visit his loved ones as himself, and not the transfigured no-one he would have to become eventually. Once done he stood and faced Remus. "I heard, when I was in France, that he's back." He whispered and it took Remus a moment to realise he was speaking of Voldemort, not Sirius.

"I'm afraid so, but its old news now, James." Remus stepped forward and put a hand on his arm, his smile was small and understanding but his eyes glittered with joy. "Welcome home, Prongs. Let's go toast Lily's memory and I'll tell you everything."

The pub was quiet as they both sat down in a dark corner to discuss all the intermittent years they had been apart, as James listened his expression began darkening, from the vague, third hand description of his sons epic adventures to the Order's struggling battle with the newly revived Voldemort. He omitted Sirius' involvement in James' son's life, and anything else pertaining to the man, he really wanted to present James with a nice surprise. James rarely interrupted Remus' descriptions, he listened in brooding silence as he drank glass after glass of strong Whiskey while his friend spoke in an even tone, listing the deaths, the disappearances, the terrible things Harry had been put through...

"Enough." James hissed as he slammed his glass onto the table and stood up. Remus gazed up at him in astonishment. "I want to see my son. Remus, take me to Harry."

XXX

Sirius lounged lazily in the chair, his legs over the arms as he read a large book with black leather cover and pages as thin as rice paper. He turned them carefully, devouring the words as if they were food for a starving man. Suddenly he felt as if cold hands had slid down his spine, caressing the pit of his stomach as he squirmed uncomfortably, he lowered the book and gazed at the wall as the odd sensation subsided. When he had shrugged it off and returned to his reading it happened again, only this time it felt more like a violent tug, he sat up and put a hand above his heart as it raced violently in his chest. He had the distinct impression that something was coming towards the Mansion, something important...something he had left behind...

Everything felt oddly dream-like as Sirius climbed to his feet, laying the book aside gently as he began making his way out into the entrance hall. He knew Harry was upstairs under heavy protection spells, yet for securities sake he sealed the stairs against unfriendly intrusion with a few whispered words. He reached the door and touched the snakes head handle with a tiny frown, he remembered being captured by the Ministry and hesitated but slowly that odd feeling deepened until he swore he could feel two hearts beating in his chest. He slowly took hold of the handle and pulled the door open.

The air was still and heavy with summer heat, there was no movement from the long sweeping drive-way yet Sirius could feel a heaviness in his chest as he stepped forward, he was on the top step when he heard it; a tiny whisper...

His eyes widened as a light streaked towards him, it hit the wall as he dodged aside and bolted back into the mansion. He located Harry's bedroom through the ceiling and pointed his wand at it. Another stream of hissed words and he heard a shocked cry cut short. It was his downfall. His urge to use the last few seconds over sending Harry back to his Muggle house cost him the chance to defend himself as he felt strong arms wrap themselves around him and one lift to cover his nose and mouth with a cloth that smelt of chemicals.

Peter stood in the doorway and watched as Lestrange covered Sirius' mouth and nose with that Chloroform soaked cloth, it was crude and very muggle but Peter had suggested that over firing spells as he was certain Sirius would have fought bravely and would rather have died than be taken captive, but he would never prepare himself for an underhanded trick like this, the rat-like man smiled as he watched Sirius' failing struggles, his wand fell from leaden fingers and his body relaxed until Lestrange was holding his dead weight, he let him fall to the floor. The Death Eater growled and kicked his enemy in the side. "Why does the Dark Lord want him alive?" He snapped furiously as Wormtail wrung his hands together, the silver one flashing in the flickering torchlight.

"He wants Black alive because we've heard strange rumours, Lestrange." Peter muttered absently, his eyes glued to his old comrade, he watched his sleeping face which was half obscured by that gorgeous black hair. It occurred to him that Sirius looked no older than when he had last seen him, which was very odd indeed, he shrugged it off.

"Rumours? What kind?" Lestrange removed his mask to reveal his baboon-like face.

"They say that James Potter has been seen." Peter whispered, desperately hoping it wasn't true.

Lestrange scoffed derisively. "The dead can't come back to life, Wormtail, stop believing in stupid rumours. The Dark Lord finished Potter and his disgusting Mudblood wife off before their brat destroyed him...come on, help me get this bastard traitor back to Malfoy Manor."

XXX

Sirius opened his bleary eyes, it was difficult for him to get them to focus and his limbs felt leaden. Slowly he managed to lift a hand and rub at them before blinking and eventually his vision cleared. He groaned as he gazed around himself, the room was small and bare, it had a single chair in the middle with robes hanging loosely around the arms. There were no windows and the walls were bare stone. "Where 'm I?" He muttered to himself, realising how thirsty he was. Slowly he moved but a forceful tug on one wrist made him look back and he could clearly see the chain attaching him to the stone, he tugged again experimentally and sighed. His eyes took in a small jug of water and a glass, he began scrabbling towards it but when he reached for it the chain snapped taught and his fingers barely brushed the cool, damp surface of the jug. He swore roughly to himself and began poking his tongue between his teeth to get at the water, but it wouldn't move. He suddenly wished his mind wasn't so full of fog so he could use a wandless spell to bring the water to him, eventually he gave up with a sigh and sank back against the wall. He let his eyes slip closed as thirst tried to nag at his attention, but he refused to allow it to rule him, instead he let his mind give into the soft allure of sleep, he would find out where he was eventually.

He was brutally kicked awake, his eyes snapped open and he growled deep in the back of his throat at his rough treatment. There was a ripple of derisive laughter and when he finally managed to get a good look around him he saw a line of black-clad figures. His stomach plummeted.

"My my, Black, how nice of you to join us."

That high, cold voice set his nerves on edge as the crowd parted to allow a man in sweeping robes through. Sirius gazed back into those pitiless crimson orbs and suddenly wished he could die.

XXX

The lights were on in the mansion, Remus led James up the sweeping path with an excitable skip in his step. James followed him, he knew the mansion and found it extreamly strange that Harry would be here of all places, how did he find out about it? Had Sirius left Harry everything he owned in his will? With a shrug he continued and almost walked straight into Remus' back. "Whoa!" he muttered, stepping back and peering over his friends shoulder. "Are you al-..." He trailed off into silence as he spotted that the door was open and the lights on...the air was so still it was almost too hard to breath.

"He's gone." Remus whispered after muttering the Homenum Revelio charm. "There's...no one here..."

James felt as if he'd been doused in cold water. "Where is he? Where's my son?" He snapped.

"We'll see if he's left the Muggle's..." Remus said distractedly. It worried him more that Sirius was missing, he was certain Harry was fine but was unsure of the fate of his friend.

XXX

Sirius lay in a slumped heap, his mouth was so dry he felt his head spinning, the only thing keeping him vaguely upright was the chain on his wrist. The water sat there, looking as innocent as a glass of cool, fresh water could but also driving Sirius to distraction. He would spend hours simply staring at the little droplets that trickled down the glass and licking his dry lips with an equally dry tongue. He shifted absently and felt pins and needles race down his arm, he winced and hissed air through his teeth. Voldemort had simply asked him a few questions; Why are you still alive after apparently killing yourself? Why did you return to your family manor? What were you protecting? Do you know what the Order plan to do to help Harry escape? And the worst one yet, the one question that had startled him into an obvious reaction; Is it true that James Potter is alive and has simply been out of the country?

Fortunately Sirius' reaction had been one of shock, Voldemort had hissed furiously at the only honest thing Sirius had given him, before turning on Wormtail. "You told me he would know! You told me that Black would be well aware of whether Potter is alive!"

Wormtail, in true cowardly fashion, had quailed beneath his master's fury, wringing his odd hands together and cringing.

And now Sirius was alone with a glass of water he could not touch, it taunted him silently, his body felt dry and withered and strange, his tongue felt huge in his mouth and yet no matter how hard he tried, dehydration kept him unable to perform complicated silent and wandless spells. He suddenly wished Remus was with him.

When next they visited him they came with wands and he knew by the utter sadistic joy in Lestrange's face that he would be in for a long day. He gazed at the brown peice of wood that was thrust unceremoniously into his face, he let his lids lower, covering any sign he was even the slightest bit afraid. Best them think he wasn't, he had no wish to give them the satisfaction. When the first uttered curse and bright crimson light hit him he screamed louder than he had done in years, even his mothers cruciatus had been nothing in comparison to this hellish agony. His whole body jerked as he let vent to a startled, cracked scream. His back arched and he yanked so hard on his manacle that blood began to seep from the cut of the metal. Lestrange's mad laughter echoed in his ears, taunting him with long repressed memories of his mothers hard, cold glare and her high shrill screech as she punished her eldest son for daring to be gay.

By the fifth or sixth round Sirius was slumped heavily, his hair dangling in his face as he spat blood to the floor. His body throbbed, his muscles cramped painfully and he let slip a soft, helpless moan which was answered by another in the shadows.

"That is for my wife, you filthy peice of traitor scum! You murdered her!"

Sirius looked up at him through his fringe and although he was having great difficulty focussing he managed a tiny, weak little smile. "She...was begging...f-for it...she...wanted..." He swallowed with great difficulty. "...me..."

"Do not lie! How dare you stain her..."

"My mother and...father...wanted...her to...marry a pureblood...she told me when we were...children...that she...wanted it to be...me...You were last...resort. She wanted...my fortune and...power...as head of the house...of Black..."

Lestrange heard the truth in those words and it did make sense, considering Bellatrix had always felt she had been cheated by being born of the branch family, but he lifted his wand anyway. Sirius' scream was cracked and broken as he jerked and twisted in his bonds, Lestrange licked his lips, the candle light flickering as he absorbed the noises coming from the prisoner. He felt the usual heat in his lower regions as the screams of his victim sent another, powerful shudder through his body. Torturing people had always been a massive turn on for him, it was only a shame his wife seemed totally obsessed with their Dark master to even care if they were sexually gratified, in the few instances when they had consummated their marriage and during one particularly heated celebration of a Death Eater victory, he had barely touched his insane but beautiful wife...not that he minded, they just wanted to be closer to their Lord. He slipped a hand down his front to press his palm against the solid bulge there, he moaned softly and watched in fascination as Sirius twitched and jerked as pure, unadulterated agony swept through his entire being, shattering the precious soul within and leaving breathless and gasping when that wand was lifted.

Again he was left alone to brood on his aching body and worry about how much more of it he could stand, he now knew that Lestrange would never let up or let him go, he would probably never kill him either...all he wanted was a toy, someone to torture and get his rocks off with, with the absence of his mad wife. It was a long while before he realised that he wasn't alone, slowly he cracked an eye open to reveal that there was indeed a single light on in the room and a hunched shadow sat before him, he moaned and whispered something incomprehensible, it sounded like a rather familiar name...

"Hush, Siri, come here..." That voice was familiar as his head was lifted, he was as limp as a ragdoll and just as useless as his limbs were jelly and his body shook so violently it sent shudders tearing through him and sent jolts of that exquisite agony through his raw nerve endings. He was helped into a vague sitting position and something cool was pressed to his lips. "Drink, Siri."

Sirius opened his lips and let the sweet, cold water slide down his throat, he couldn't stop the heavy, almost lust filled groan escape his parched lips as he downed the water and nearly choked. While he was coughing someone was rubbing him gently on his lower back and he felt his head guided back down into a plump lap, he lay there, unable to do anything else as fingers massaged his scalp with a somewhat needy movement. "Jamie..." He slurred, having trouble seeing through a slightly red haze that had descended across his vision.

"No...not Jamie...He's Dead Sirius, I killed him."


	38. Chapter 38

AN: Now then, this chapter contains scenes of torture and general sadness. Please enjoy and continue to hate on Peter, he's horrid and evil and a dick and needs to die painfully! Lol.

_**Brave men do not gather by thousands to torture and murder a single individual, so gagged and bound he cannot make even feeble resistance or defence.**_

Peter watched in fascination as Sirius lay helpless in his lap, he licked his lips hungrily, enjoying the perverse realisation that he wasn't entirely stable in his mind and thought he was someone else. He ran his hands through that beautifully thick hair and leaned down to whisper in his ear; "Do you want me, Siri?"

Sirius stirred feebly, his eyelids flickering as they opened to reveal eyes wide and bright, they glowed with pain and some deep, unsatisfied hunger. Peter swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked down into those confused grey eyes. "...J-Jamie...want..." He whispered hoarsely. "Water..." He croaked again, lifting a hand that shook violently and tangling it in Peter's robes. "James isn't...dead...he's alive..." He whispered and shivered.

Peter's eyes widened, was he telling the truth or just speaking his deepest desire? "He is?" He muttered, carefully pushing that hair from his face.

Sirius nodded and let his eyes fall closed, he was still clutching Peter's robes in one fist, his body shuddered again. "We can't...die...Jamie...you k-know that..." He sighed and his head fell to the side. "You're my Horcrux...So long as...a peice of me...lives in you...we can't really die..."

Peter's eyes widened and he made to stand up but there was a heart wrenching noise from his captive and he paused as Sirius squirmed. "Siri?"

"I love you..." He muttered before unconsciousness took him.

Peter pulled a face, love was something he was a stranger to, not that he didn't believe in it, he had bourn witness to Lily's magical sacrifice born of her love for her son and he had seen a similar emotion in her eyes when she had looked at James. He didn't like to think about the fact that Sirius was in love with James and not him so he dismissed it and stood up, he gazed back at his unconscious prisoner and felt that sudden, overwhelming surge of intense hunger rise up in his chest. He smiled and walked out the door to the underground prison, he knew his Lord would be most pleased with the way he had extracted that information from Sirius, he walked almost happily up the stairs after sealing the doors with a charm.

XXX

Harry sat in his room blinking around at the familiar walls, he was utterly confused as to what had happened. One minute he had been changing into his pyjamas and the next he had felt an awful wrenching sensation before being zapped back into his Aunt and Uncle's living room, he now had an owl in his hands giving him the exact date and time of his removal to the Burrow. He had no idea why everything was happening so fast and it left him a little worried, he wandered about Sirius and what he was doing before sighing and putting aside his letter, he was sure that in the month before his removal he would see his Godfather again, even after the brief time they had spent together he couldn't help but have formed an attachment to the man. He was brilliant and had a wicked sense of humour, his spell work was second to none, except maybe Hermione, and he was a long needed connection to his father that he had lacked. He smiled as he finished getting ready for bed.

XXX

At the rapid knock on the door Vernon Dursley swore loudly. "BOY! IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR LOT AGAIN I WILL LOCK YOU IN THAT INFERNAL CUPBOARD AGAIN!" He bellowed as he scrambled out of bed and struggled into his dressing gown, Petunia came out of the en-suit and raised an eyebrow, he shrugged and made his way down stairs, a broom in hand just in case.

Remus fidgeted at the sleeve of his robes while James stood by his shoulder, draped in black cloth to prevent any unfriendly eyes seeing him. He was terrified that he was breaking every rule to bring his best friend here, but they had no other choice, he had to make sure Harry was alright! When the door opened to reveal a fat man with neat, greying moustache he felt his hand in his pocket as the man was gripping a broom handle as if it were a club, his beady eyes narrowed as his jowls quivered. "We don't want anything more to do with you, you hear? I want you gone from my-Ahhh!" He yelped in shock as James forced his way inside, a wand pointed into his blotchy face.

"Where is he? Where's Harry?"

Vernon's eyes remained firmly glued to his wand. "U-Up...Up stairs...b-bedroom...Third on...on your right..." He winced in relief as James swept past him, Remus paused.

"Um...I apologise about this." He muttered feeling helpless yet relieved all at the same time, he tried a small smile to ease the man but he just got a terrified glare in response. So, he gathered himself up and followed James to the upper floor.

Harry yawned widely, curious as to who had knocked on the door, slowly he slid back out of bed to check it out...that silence made his senses tingle as he slowly turned the door handle, but, before he could open the door it flew open to reveal...

Harry choked. This was impossible. It had to be some kind of joke. Before he considered what he was doing he raised his wand, his hand was shaking violently as he gazed into hazel eyes, so familiar yet unfamiliar. "W-Who...? Who a-are you? W-What do you...w-want...?" He stuttered, refusing to believe that the man stood before him was who he was pretending to be, did the Death Eaters think him that stupid?

James gazed at his son, ignoring the wand pointed at his face and simply absorbing him. He felt his chest tighten painfully and stumbled slightly as he tried to take a step forward, he caught himself on the desk and gaped. Harry was him but with deliberate differences and with a sudden, almost violent upsurge of emotion he spoke. "Harry..." He whispered, his voice breaking even as he raised an empty hand to simply touch this image of utter perfection.

Remus watched, hovering behind James' shoulder, Harry still hadn't lowered his wand and he was backing away from his father's touch with wide, green eyes full of an undying agony. He stepped in. "James, please don't push him." He muttered softly into his friend's ear. "You've been dead to him all his life, let him take it in...just give him time."

James, never removing his greedy eyes from his teenage son, sat down heavily on the bed. "It really is me." He whispered softly.

"How...how can you...I...This is...STOP!" Harry screamed suddenly, covering his ears with his hands and falling to his knees with a thunk. "H-How...how can you...no! No it's so wrong! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU DIED! YOU CAN'T...B-BE...!"

Remus saw Harry's eyes fill with agony, he sighed softly and moved to the distraught boy. "Harry, please, listen to us..."

"No! Get off! L-leave...leave...alone...I-I...I can't! PLEASE!"

"_It is the quality of one's convictions that determines success, not the number of followers._" Remus whispered softly, quoting himself to attempt to assuage his mental distress. Slowly Harry lifted his eyes and they met Remus'.

"Y-You...you're really...Remus?"

"I am, Harry and I assure you this disturbing situation can be explained but you must listen to us, please?" He gazed at Harry's face and finally the teen nodded slowly, he refused to look at his father, unable to even fathom why someone would disguise themselves as him if not to cause Harry pain. He slowly sank to the floor again, crossing his legs and gazing up at Lupin with expectant eyes. "It all began on that night sixteen years ago..." He began slowly, pacing slightly as he spoke. He explained about how Sirius had entered the house in Godrics Hollow and been driven mad by grief, he told the young man about Sirius' foray into Muggle London to murder the man who had ratted out his friends, he told him everything he could while Harry listened in numb silence. Remus felt it prudent to omit James and Sirius' relationship, feeling it best to wait for yet more revelations, he wasn't entirely sure how the boy would react. He came to the moment that Sirius had brought James back from the beyond, binding their souls together for eternity and Harry uttered a soft, horrified gasp as he swivelled his head to look at the Horcrux sat on his bed.

"Harry i..."

"You're a...a _Horcrux_?" He exclaimed, hardly able to process all this confusing information, let alone the fact that very might well be his long dead father sat before him with eyes brimming with unshed tears.

"I am." James said quietly. "I have a peice of my best friend's soul inside me..." He put his hand on his chest. "We can't really die now..."

Harry took a shuddery breath and made to stand but shock had rendered his body useless and he landed heavily on the bed, sprawled inelegantly as he desperately tried to assimilate this dream-like situation.

XXX

Wormtail stood nervously, trying to keep his hands still as his master gazed into the fireplace with a distracted air. "Um..." He began, trying to break the tension a bit, but he quailed when Voldemort turned those eyes on him.

"You have done well, Wormtail." He said in that cold, smooth voice that sent trembles of fear through Peter. "I congratulate you on your adept way of squeezing information from our guest." He paused and gazed thoughtfully into the distance, Wormtail glanced to the side and was surprised to see Severus Snape standing in one corner, his face, as usual, was inscrutable. "There is one last thing I wish for you to do..."

"A-Anything...S-sir..."

"Destroy him, Wormtail." Voldemort whispered.

"H-How?"

"Pride and dignity are heavy burdens, he has far too much of that...I want him broken and ruined by the time I next pay him a visit. Do you understand?"

Peter nodded quickly. "Y-Yes sir..."

When Wormtail had fled Severus stepped into the light. "My Lord, are you not taking far too much interest in Black? Surely you should be concentrating on capturing the boy...?"

"Harry Potter will wait, I have important things planned for Black. Peter's information on his...relationship with that James Potter is most curious, I wish to use that against him. I will twist Black until he is no more than a puppet and use him to get to both Potters, when they come I will strike...I cannot afford any more mistakes, Severus."

"Of course My Lord, but do you trust Wormtail to do what is needed? He is a coward."

"Wormtail may be a coward, but even they have uses. He knows Black well, he can affect his psyche better than the Cruciatus, sometimes mental trauma is a more powerful weapon than physical pain..."

Inwardly Severus winced, but he had a mission, he had responsibilities to the students at Hogwarts who needed what little protection his position could afford them, Black would have to be on his own. He had bigger things on his mind...

XXX

Remus paced up and down in his living room, they had found Harry safe and sound but there was no sign of Sirius. Once he had explained to Harry about his father they had left the boy alone to digest it all slowly, he forced James to follow him and give his son some peace, they didn't want or need to push him. Now his mind was consumed, Sirius was missing, his mansion empty and no sign of a battle except for a single scorch mark upon the stone by the front door, he didn't think Sirius would have gone quietly with Death Eaters so perhaps they used some other trick? He finally threw himself down on the sofa and tipped his head back, covering his face with his hands. "Sirius...where are you?"

Tonks entered the room holding two glasses of fire whiskey, she went to her fiancé and sat down. "Here...you look like you need this."

Remus moved his hands and took the glass from her fingers. "Thank you." He muttered and downed it in one, practiced gulp. Quickly he poured himself another.

"I'm sure he'll be alright Remus, he's strong." Tonks said in what she hoped was a confident manner.

Remus gazed into the flames. "I don't think he is as strong as he makes out to be..." He absently turned the new golden ring on his finger, in all the excitement he hadn't even managed to confess the new development to James. Tonks smiled at him as she leaned close and their lips met in a chaste kiss, Remus' hand slid up to her hair and tugged it gently as he tipped his head and deepened the kiss. "It's all happening so fast." He whispered as he pulled away.

"It has to..." Tonks expression became more serious as Remus put his glass back down on the table, she took both his hands and their fingers entwined. "We can't know for certain what the future holds, Remus, if we don't get married tomorrow it could never happen..."

"I know..." He kissed her again, slowly increasing the passion. As always he felt that satisfying rush of excitement that set his hackles rising, a wave of intense feeling washed over him as he took his fiancé around the waist and pulled her into his lap. "Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?" He asked for the millionth time.

Tonks nuzzled his hair affectionately. "If I didn't I would never have asked you. Sometimes I wonder how someone so intelligent can be so stupid..."

Remus chuckled, sliding his hands up her sides. "Nor I. Perhaps I have spent so long under the delusion that no one can love someone like me that I subconsciously ignored your advances..."

"Remus, I don't care...you know I don't." Tonks smiled as she leaned down, wrapping her husband to be tightly in her arms and smiling as she planted soft kisses across his jaw. "I love you."

"I love you too, 'Dora."

XXX

Sirius hung by both wrists from the cold stone wall at his back, his head hung low so messy hair obscured his face and his chest rose and fell irregularly. Blood trickled steadily down his limp wrists, his chest was bare and covered in marks from a knife, someone had carved the words; Bloodtraitor into the flesh of his upper arm and it still bled sluggishly.

"You can take a lot of punishment for such filth, Black." A drunken voice hissed from the darkness, a cloaked figure stepped into the light of the single candle and crouched before the limp man. He lifted his face up with a finger beneath his chin and sneered. Sirius' eyes were almost black they were so dark and his body shook from his torture, his lips were cracked and bloodied and bruises of varying degrees covered his pale skin. "Look at you...You're not even all there are you?" Lestrange cackled and stood, booting his toy in the side and making him jerk in pain, the chains rattled.

"J-James..." Sirius croaked and closed his eyes. His body ached with a deep throbbing sensation he was unable to grow accustomed to, his mind was fuzzy around the edges making thoughts strange and distorted, his mouth tasted of blood.

When he was finally left alone he fell into a fitful sleep full of strange, warped nightmares of fire and blood and screams. When he woke he was subjected to constant agony, taunting and late in the night someone who would sit by him and give him water and whisper soft, terrible things in his ear...

"_No one loves you Sirius."_

"_James was in love with Lily, he loved her more than you because she gave him a son...what have you ever given him that's worth anything?"_

"_Your parents were right, you are useless, no one cares, no one will be coming to save you..."_

"_How can those you call friends trust you? You created a Horcrux, the darkest magic there is...they won't ever accept you...But...I will."_

Those words haunted him, eating away at his waking mind and plaguing him whilst he tried to sleep, he couldn't escape the truth of those words.

One day his secret whisperer was hissing those troubling things into his ear, he stared up at the ceiling while his head was cushioned in a plump lap. "You know you're worthless, I don't know why you try to fight it. You could be so much more if you only looked inside yourself and saw the truth. No one loves you, they never will. Everyone you have ever loved will die and you will be responsible..."

"...I know..." He croaked slowly, his tongue thick in his mouth as he tried to form the words. "...Please...Please don't let...don't let me...hurt anyone anymore..."

In the darkness Peter smiled triumphantly at the terrible, broken sob that escaped his obsession. "Shh...it's alright Siri, I can end it all for you...all you have to do is ask and do one, tiny little thing for me..."

Sirius gazed blinding up at the ceiling, tears pouring down his face. "Anything..." He rasped desperately. "Anything..."

Peter paused in the act of smoothing hair from those dead and empty silver eyes, he smirked in self satisfaction. "Alright, two little things...do you promise?" Sirius nodded. "For now, Siri, I want you to pleasure me...use that body of yours to make me feel good. I know you can do it, you were a whore once...to your Uncle, to as many random men as you could...Probably to even your brother. Let me use you..."

Sirius didn't even blink, he rolled over onto his front with difficulty and gazed at Wormtail, Peter knew that he wasn't really seeing him, his mind was still addled by his torture and the small glamour Peter was using helped. The silver manacles around Sirius' wrists glinted and flashed in the candle light as he struggled to undo Peter's trousers, his fingers were trembling slightly and tears slipped unheeded down his cheeks. "...James..." Sirius whispered and closed his eyes as Peter grabbed a handful of his hair and pushed his head down to his erection.

XXX

James sat, curled up in a chair with his arms around his knees as Remus sat opposite him. The owl that had delivered the letter and pictures had long flown away, James stirred suddenly after the long, tense silence. "When were you going to tell me?" He asked with a slight waver of anger and fear in his voice.

Remus closed his eyes. "I'm sorry...I thought the surprise would be nice...I...I had no idea..."

"So...he faked his death so that he wouldn't get caught by Lestrange and other Death Eaters and as soon as he's back he gets caught anyway..." He waved his hand towards the letter and shot a sickened glance at the pile of scattered photographs. "They've ruined him." He craoked and put a hand over his heart, he could almost feel a deep throbbing agony in the place Sirius' soul sat bound with his own so intimately. "Merlin..." he felt sick. They had arranged Sirius into degrading poses, he was bound in fetters, his body marked with terrible wounds and Bloodtraitor gouged deep into his flesh. James shivered when he considered the worst...Sirius' eyes were blank. There had been no emotion in them as he lay still, hair partially covering his face as he gazed into nothing. "I...I have to go...I have to go save him...What if he's been driven mad? What if he's..." He shook his head and covered his face with both hands. "Remus...don't you dare stop me."

Remus roused himself and looked down at the golden ring on his finger, he smiled sadly. "I wouldn't dream of it, James..." He whispered hoarsely and James watched him remove his wedding ring from his finger and lay it on the table with shaking hands. "I'm so sorry Tonks..." He muttered sadly.

XXX

The grounds around the mansion were silent, the tension gripped Remus' heart in icy talons as he and James crept closer, the enchantments they had expected to bar their path had been removed temporarily but as they walked they could both feel them going up again to prevent any more Order members from finding them. As they reached the top of the driveway James looked back. "You should have stayed behind." He said softly.

"I couldn't. I loved Sirius too you know, and in some ways I still do...we have to try to save him, even if it is a trap."

James nodded reluctantly. "There's no going back now, come on."


	39. Chapter 39

AN: To make up my long(ish) absence, I hope this chapter makes you forgive me. :D It's getting downright exciting now, enjoy!

"_**I used to advertise my loyalty and I don't believe there is a single person I loved that I didn't eventually betray."**___

The mansion was filled with a tension that had Wormtail shifting uneasily, Voldemort seemed to be the only one who was still. The Death Eaters were arranged down the sides of the hall-like dining room and they too shifted uncomfortably, soft whispers drifted through the heavy, brooding silence as they waited...

It wasn't long before they heard the great doors open and footsteps on cold marble. Voldemort smiled and turned to the open doors of the dining room. "Ah, finally our guests arrive...welcome, James Potter and..." He paused as his crimson eyes scanned Remus. "...Werewolf."

James twitched but Remus kept a firm hand on his arm to prevent him from drawing his wand. "We've come, as you asked. Where is he?"

"Of course, Wormtail, bring us our other guest."

Remus felt tension ripple through his body as the rat scurried away to do his bidding, James sucked in air through his teeth making an odd hissing noise. "He's...alive?" He eyed Remus who nodded shakily. "Is there anything you haven't kept from me?" He muttered.

"Now is not the time, James, please." Remus whispered, James let it go.

Finally, after agonising minutes, there was a scuffling of footsteps and Wormtail reappeared dragging another. Sirius was bound in heavy chains, his eyes covered by black cloth and a gag forced into his mouth, his clothes were rags and blood splattered his skin and dried to his hair. He was thrown at the Dark Lord's feet unceremoniously and lay there, trembling slightly. James made to move forward but was restrained by Remus. "Yes, this thing has been a most problematic challenge, it took us weeks to finally break him but now he is finally ours..." Voldemort reached down and ripped the blindfold from Sirius' eyes, he removed the gag and chains to leave him curled on the floor with his arms covering his head. "Now he will complete the task I attempted all those years ago in Godrics Hollow...Sirius Black, rise."

Sirius was dragged to his feet where he swayed and almost fell, but a Death Eater held him upright and shoved his wand into his hand. "He was under the misguided impression that it is impossible to destroy a Horcrux...where he gained such misinformation I have no idea but now I will show him what is possible...Imperio!" He pointed his own wand at Sirius who suddenly slumped. "I have tried many times to chain him this way, it is only now, with the help of your wormy little friend that he has succumb to the curse...Sirius, _kill_."

Sirius raised his wand, when James looked into his eyes he only saw darkness, a swirling torrent of utter blackness and despair. "Malum Ignis."

The words echoed about the hall and the Death Eaters scrambled over each other to get out the way, Remus swore loudly and pushed James to the floor as flames leapt from Sirius' wand, it turned into great shapes, serpents undulated in the air, their hisses turning to roars as fire leapt around the room. There was a loud scream as one of the Death Eaters was caught in the deadly Feind Fyre and was consumed.

The Dark Lord watched with a smile as Sirius tried to kill his best friend and lover. He stood safely behind the wizard as the flames filled the hall, adding more massive animals and magical creatures to the parade. James was scrabbling frantically with his wand, sweat staining his face as Remus dodged the flick of a Manticore's tail. Voldemort knew it was all pointless, in the end Sirius was his creature.

XXX

"_...Sirius, Kill."_

_Deep in his subconscious he could hear the screams, he didn't like it at all. He could feel his body, moving beyond his control even as he was cocooned in a blissful joy that had permeated his very core, he wanted to simply let go, to follow the orders issuing from elsewhere..._

"_Kill him."_

_He heard something else, like a distant shout bourn on a wind; "Sirius!"_

_He shuddered, his mind recognised that voice...but it was impossible, why would anyone come to rescue him? He had no friends, no one loved him..._

"_Kill them!"_

_He let the wonderful feeling of empty happiness infuse him, he didn't need to heed anything but that insistent voice, it was nice to simply curl up and feel nothing..._

"_Sirius! Snap out of it!"_

"_KILL!"_

_That was confusing. He tried to sink deeper into his ball of bliss, he didn't want to leave because the darkness that awaited him was too terrible. But there was still that nagging sensation that something was wrong..._

"_No! Don't stop...Kill them both!"_

"_Sirius...Sirius Please...I'm begging you..."_

_Something stirred, he knew that voice...didn't he?_

"_My son! Think about Harry!"_

_He could see a pair of burning green eyes, he could see messy black hair and a familiar grin..._

"Harry..." His voice slipped past his lips and Sirius wrenched himself away from that fuzzy happiness, throwing himself brutally back into reality as pain crashed into him once again. He fell to his knees with a scream and the cursed flames went out with a hiss. His wand fell from numb fingers as he sat on his knees and trembled.

"Useless, as I thought. It is a shame, I could have made use of you...Crucio!"

Sirius was hit in the back, he writhed and screamed in a hoarse, cracked voice as agony flared inside him. He was burning, he was covered in ice, his hands clawed desperately at his own skin so he could attempt to alleviate that all consuming agony...

"Stop! Stop it! You're killing him!" Remus shouted, lifting his wand, but he felt something hit him in the back. he stumbled forward and rolled only to find himself gazing up into toffee coloured eyes, eyes that had haunted his nightmares since he was a child. Greyback grinned down at him, revealing stained yellow teeth.

"Ah, so it's you...the puppy who has been trying to destroy all my hard work. How can I repay you?"

Remus struggled, trying to lift his wand arm but Greyback grabbed it and flung the stick of wood away. "That won't do you any good now, Traitor. I'm sure your friends will love to hear your screams as I tear you limb from limb..."

James lay curled in a corner, his whole body trembled with the flaring pain in his arm. He had been caught by a snake's lashing tail, it had scorched his flesh and he could still smell it burning even though the curse had been rescinded. He let out a soft, broken whimper and lifted his head. Sirius was lying on his side, his eyes closed as Voldemort hovered over him, Remus was struggling with Greyback and the remaining Death Eaters watched in fascination, some placing bets on who would be victorious. As he gazed at his wound his eyes widened in horror, his skin was black and cracked, blood oozed from it along with some kind of black liquid as if something was seeping from his skin. He shuddered as a terrible feeling tore through his chest and Sirius let voice to a heart-shattering scream.

"As I said, boy, there is always a way to undo any kind of magic...if you know how. How does it feel? To feel your friend die?" Voldemort crouched and gazed down into Sirius' white, stricken face. He was shuddering violently, his fingers twitching and his body positively vibrating. "It is agony, is it not? Here, allow me to give you a hand..." He stood, pointing his wand into Sirius' face.

James dragged himself to his feet, he swayed on the spot and saw Sirius lying there, his face expressionless as he panted heavily. Voldemort raised his wand...

"Oh no you don't!" James shouted and shot a spell at the Dark Lord whose wand went spinning into the air and clattered meters away. With a triumphant smirk James dived, using his Quidditch training to grab Sirius' body. "Remus! Get out!" He shouted over the sudden bouts of cries.

Remus kicked Greyback in the crotch, making the werewolf yelp as he grabbed his wand and pointed it into his face. "Bastard!" He hissed and yellow light exploded between them, firing Greyback across the room so he hit the wall and slid down it, unconscious. Remus was covered in bite wounds and scratches, he winced as he dragged himself to his feet and began running for the door, he could hear James following.

"GET THEM! GET THEM!" Voldemorts scream infused the air with terror as the three men ran for it, James supporting Sirius' weight and every now and again shooting spells over his shoulder. They sealed the doors using Colloportus, to give themselves a chance to escape, any Death Eater who ran before them was blasted away with flicks of Remus' wand...and finally, panting and weak with fatigue, they stopped beyond the enchantments and with the last ounce of strength they gripped each other and Disapperated with a pop.

XXX

Tonks stood in the front Garden of the home she was sharing with Remus, her fingers gripped the gate tightly and in one hand she held the golden ring that signified her bond with the Werewolf. She was afraid, she had never been so afraid. As she was growing cold and considering going inside to attempt to sleep she heard a loud Pop and a crash, she spun around to see a pile of bodies crumpled in the street and she vaulted the low wall and ran to them as they began untangling themselves.

"Remus!" She gasped as she came close, Remus was leaning heavily on James, his arm wrapped tightly around his stomach and she saw the blood covering his face and seeping into his ragged clothes. She reached for him but got a low growl in response.

"Don't touch him..." James whispered hoarsely, he looked white and sick as he swayed under Remus' weight. "He...he doesn't let people...near him when he's hurt...H-help...help Siri...he's...really hurt..."

Tonks nodded as the two friends began hobbling towards the small cottage, she turned and saw the crumpled form of her cousin. Gently she waved her wand and began floating him towards the open door.

James lay Remus down on the sofa and knelt beside him, slowly he began smoothing hair back from his face. The Werewolf opened his eyes to reveal Toffee stained Irises that glittered with pain, he whimpered softly. "Shh...It's alright." James croaked shaking so violently he couldn't aim his wand. "T-Tonks...could you...?"

"Of course." Tonks lay her cousin down on the rug by the fire and knelt to tend to her husband.

Remus growled again, squirming away and turning his head. James held her hand. "Remus, Moony...it's alright...she just wants to help. Like we did, yeah?"

Remus' eyes opened again and he licked his lips before nodding once. Tonks took that as permission and began tending to his wounds, trying to heal them. "What did this? Why can't I heal the scars?"

"Werewolf." James muttered, he sounded exhausted. "Greyback."

Tonks flinched and began smoothing her husband's hair from his face. "So many scars...I feel so helpless..."

"Don't...he loves you." James turned away and crawled to Sirius, he no longer had the strength to walk. He leaned down and listened to his lovers ragged breathing. "It's been...so...so long..." He whispered, so that only Sirius could hear. "I-I...I thought you were dead...I thought...Siri..." He pressed his head against his friends chest and breathed in the scent of blood, dirt and fear. "I'm here now. I'm here and I will never, ever leave your side.

Sirius lay cold and still by the fireplace as James ripped off his own sleeve and looked at the wound, he winced, it was horrible to look at and he asked Tonks to go look in Remus' store cupboard. "I'll need some Willow Bark, Poppy seed tea, Aloe Vera, Echinacea, Lavender oil and St. Johns Wart...Oh and a bowl of boiled water and Mortar and Pestle."

Tonks disappeared off to get the items while James carefully began to inspect the burn, it was extensive and made his eyes water as the skin wept profusely. Finally Tonks returned with the ingredients and the tea, James set to grinding the materials and dissolving them in the bowl of water. After a moment of stirring he looked up. "Do you have any Vervain, ginger, Arnica and Flax seed?" He asked, she nodded. "Bring me another bowl of water, we need to brew a tea from them...Sirius has suffered horrible nerve damage...Also some liquorish, he likes liquorish..." When she returned he made a tea from the ingredients and while his potion was boiling he knelt by his bets friend and pointed his wand at him. "Renorvate." He muttered and watched Sirius' eyes snap open as he gasped in a desperate breath, his body began shaking violently but James helped him sit upright and held a mug of steaming liquid to his lips. "Please, Siri, drink..." Sirius seemed incapable of concentrating and he spilt some down his front. "Come on...a little more, that's it..." When the drink was gone he turned and picked up his own Poppy seed tea. "To ease the pain and help you sleep." He whispered, making Sirius drink a mouthful. Once Sirius had a blanket and several pillows and his shaking had subsided somewhat James turned to his own wounds, Tonks winced in sympathy as he began grinding up a poultice of willow bark and aloe to spread over the wound and downed the potion with a disgusted wince. Tonks bandaged his arm and made sure the poultice didn't slip. "Remus...should be alrigh'..." He muttered, his voice becoming heavy as the potion and Poppy tea began to take affect. "He's...used to worse...Jus' make sssure...tha' he doesn' go an'...do summit stupid..."

"I promise, here..." She put a blanket around his shoulders and he lay down beside Sirius, his arm around his waist to hold him close. She watched as the two men slipped into deep sleeps and sighed heavily.


	40. Chapter 40

AN: Now, this chapter is all about recovery and the renewal of old friendship, I hope its all ok. In this Sirius may seem a bit child-like but remember that the cruciatus does actually affect ones mental state and on top of the mental abuse from Wormtail he is pretty unstable, his recovery is slow because he WAS tortured and I don't believe that is something someone recovers instantly from. Anyways, apart from that, enjoy the sappiness. (Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, you're all brilliant!)

_**Love makes life so confusing, but without love**__**  
**__**would you really want to live?**_

Sirius' eyes slowly opened, daylight streamed in through the windows and his whole body ached horribly but there was something deliciously warm pressed against him and so he snuggled deeper and closed his eyes again. An arm tightened around his waist, he felt hot breath against his neck and turned around, slowly his eyes re-opened, the world was revealed again and the sunlight streamed down across a face that was so familiar it twisted his heart. For what seemed like decades he had been trapped in the darkness, trapped and broken. He had been left alone in that darkness to rot, only hearing the whispers of despair and pain. What he was seeing must surely have been an illusion, because it was so surreal...

He slowly lifted a shaking hand, his eyes widening as his fingers hovered above that thin face, dark brows drawn into a small frown and lips parted slightly as he slept. "Jamie..." He breathed feeling a tremor through his body and an odd burning in his eyes. He brushed his finger tips against James' cheek and felt the roughness of the beginnings of stubble, his breathing hitched painfully in his chest as those beautiful hazel eyes opened.

The two gazed at each other for a long time in silence. "Sirius." James' face broke into a smile that shone like the sun, Sirius' very own sun and the darkness was swept away with the force of a gale on a cloud. Before he realised what was happening he was pushing his shaking hands into that messy hair and kissing his friend firmly on the lips. James wrapped his arms around Sirius body and pulled him closer, neither spoke, neither needed to. They put years of loneliness and grief and loss into that kiss, they filled it with every feeling they had ever felt while they had been apart and James felt Sirius' chest hitching against his. He lifted his hands and pushed them into Sirius' matted hair, pulling on it and pressing himself close. "I missed you." He muttered.

"J-Jamie...Jamie..." It was all Sirius could say, his voice was rough from a sore throat and he couldn't stop the tremors from wracking his tortured body but inside heat flared in his chest, filling him with a joy so intense it made him dry sob into James' hair. "James..." He sighed finally as they pulled away from each other enough to press their foreheads close.

"I never once stopped." James muttered. "Never. I will always love you, no matter the distance, no matter what happens...we're together..."

"Forever."

"And always."

"Y-You saved me...I heard you calling out to me, you saved me from that..." Sirius shuddered and closed his eyes. "From him."

"Hush, if you're not ready to talk about it we don't have to."

Sirius' eyes opened and his smile was full of wonder and joy. "Thank you. I was so close to giving up..."

"You should never give up, I'm here. We're together and I'll never leave your side."

XXX

He lay in the bath and gazed up at the ceiling, James had told him that he had to continue to take a potion to ease his shaking but judging by the look in his lovers eyes he may not be able to heal it completely if the damage was too severe. Slowly he lifted his hand to his face, the steam from the tub surrounding him as he watched it shaking, he sighed and splashed it back into the water. It didn't matter though, nothing mattered except the knowledge that his James was back where he belonged and he would never leave.

James opened the bathroom door and stepped into the steam filled room, he saw Sirius lying in the tub with his dark hair falling over his face and the back of the bath. He smiled and moved closer. "How is it?"

Sirius smiled, opening an eye. "Warm." He whispered hoarsely. "Join me..." He lifted a shaking hand and took James' to draw him to his knees.

"There's not enough room for both of us..." James replied running fingers through the hot water and leaning on one arm as he gazed at the love of his life.

"I never stopped thinking about you." Sirius whispered suddenly. "Every single day we were apart it was like my heart wasn't beating, the only time I felt any kind of warmth was when I was with your son."

James smiled. "I thought you were dead...I spent years wandering if I should kill myself just so I could follow you into the afterlife...I hated you, yet I loved you...I was a coward, in the end I never could take my own life."

"I'm glad...because if you had we would never have met again." Sirius lifted James' hand in his own and their fingers entwined, water dripped into the bath from Sirius' fingers and they smiled at each other. "We'll defeat him, Jamie...now I have confidence we can do it."

"Of course we will, Harry's a good man." James' eyes filled with pride.

"A good little Prongslet if ever I saw one."

"Is he...is he strong?" James leaned forward, eyes burning with curiosity.

"He is, he has Lily's brains, he has your guts and determination. He can stand up to most moderate jinxes and Hexes and when he was fourteen he duelled and escaped Voldemort! If anyone can beat him, it will be Harry James Potter."

James' smile was as bright as the sun and Sirius let its warmth spread through him, easing his physical pain and filling him with light. James leaned down and pressed his lips to Sirius' as he drew away he drew out something from his pocket and took Sirius' hand. "This was my dad's..." He whispered, pushing a silver ring onto Sirius' finger. "It's something passed down through the generations...I want to...give it to you."

Sirius' eyes widened and he sat upright as he gazed at the simple ring, it was a perfect fit and had a simple crimson stone set into it, inside that was carved an odd symbol; a triangle with a circle in the centre and a line slicing them in half. "What is that symbol?" Sirius asked softly.

"I'm not sure, but it crops up quite often in our family...from my father's side."

Sirius considered the ring for a while before smiling. "Anyone would think that you were asking me to marry you, Potter." He giggled.

James pulled a face. "Yeah, that'd go down well with the Ministry. The ring symbolises Eternity, I want it to remind you that I will never stop loving you."

"Thank you." Sirius leaned towards his lover and kissed him.

XXX

"So, he's at the burrow?" James asked as they sat around in Remus' house drinking tea. Remus nodded.

"Yes, I went with him myself..." He closed his eyes and sighed shakily. "It was a close thing...the Death Eaters knew where we would be and when we would be removing him from the house...W-we lost Mad-eye..."

There was silence as everyone took a moment to remember the fierce Auror. "He was a good man, Old Moody..." Sirius said softly, trying not to spill tea over himself as his hands shook.

"Indeed...'Dora took it hard...he was her mentor at the Ministry." Remus rubbed his temples as if he was getting a headache. "She's with her mother..."

"How are you two? I heard the wedding was lovely." James asked, trying to break the melancholy that had seeped into the atmosphere.

Remus looked away. "It was lovely...I..." He paused and took a breath. "She's pregnant." He whispered.

James leapt to his feet and dragged Remus into a rough embrace. "Congratulations, old friend! Another Marauder baby to enter the family! Brilliant!"

Sirius frowned at Remus as he disengaged from his friend. "You don't seem too excited." He said slowly.

Remus bowed his head. "I'm...afraid." He muttered, glaring into his tea furiously. "I don't want the baby to grow up with the same stigma I have to suffer...I don't want it inheriting..."

"There's no proof that Lycanthropy is inherited, Remus. Stop creating problems where none exist yet." Sirius said quietly. "My cousin may act strong, but she's still human and a new mother, she will need you now more than ever. I'm actually happy for you, it's amazing! Now we really are related, if not by blood but marriage!" he smiled.

"Everyone is happy..." Remus said slightly mulishly. "I can't help but wonder if this is a grave mistake...my kind don't breed, what if there are complications and something happens to her? I couldn't live with myself if she were hurt because of my condition."

James rolled his eyes. "When Lily was pregnant I spent nine whole months crapping myself because I was terrified, more scared than she was! All I could think about was 'What if?' eventually it was her mother who slapped some sense into me...quite literally. She told me how stupid I was being and that Lily was going to be fine, women have been giving birth forever, their bodies know what to do. The likely hood that Remus Junior will inherit Lycanthropy is minute, you need to relax before you drive her away completely."

"No human in history has given birth to the spawn of a Werewolf, James! What is happening is unheard of and even if the child is fine it will grow up plagued by my legacy! You and Lily were both human, untainted and there was never any fear of the child being born with a strange and horrible condition..."

James sipped his tea. "Maybe not, but Lily did say that something called glaucoma runs in her family..."

Remus pulled a face. "Lycanthropy and Glaucoma are two entirely different things! You cannot even compare..."

"Calm down, Remus." Sirius muttered, wrapping a blanket further around his shoulders. He still looked ill, dark shadows haunted his eyes which glittered softly behind his ebony fringe, he was thin and weak still but getting stronger by the day. "Insanity runs in my family, you really think I want to pass that on? I had a distant aunt who thought it was fun to murder muggle children and bathe in their blood because she was convinced it would keep her looking young. Another cousin was sent to Azkaban for tying up a man by his legs and slowly skinning him, he ate what he could before he was caught. My own father beat me to within an inch of my life, my uncle Alphard showed how much he loved me by touching me, my mother cursed me until I couldn't stand on my own. When I was a child I was shut away in a dark place that stank of rot, she locked me inside and wouldn't let me out...not even to go pee. I had to do my business where I was." He spoke in a dry monotone as his friends shifted uncomfortably. "My father murdered a Muggle boy I was in a relationship with. Bella joined Voldemort and tortured Alice and Frank into Insanity because she thought they would know how to bring Voldemort back, she shattered my wrist once when we were playing at the Manor...she told me she wanted to practice some new spells on me, I was thrown into a tree, my breath knocked from me and she twisted my wrist until it shattered. Lucius Malfoy made me eat dirt at a family gathering, when I vomited he showed me to my parents who forced me to attend the gathering in nothing but my socks...the only thing that was clean." He fell silent, gazing into the fireplace with an empty expression. "So, Lycanthropy, which happens only once a month is much preferable to a lifetime of abuse and suffering...all due to a strain of instability...I would say that you have an extremely lucky child. Both you and 'Dora will love it and treasure it, it will know nothing but joy..."

Remus looked away guiltily. "I...I'm sorry...I never..."

"No, no one ever does." Sirius replied softly. "It's your child, Remus...it needs a father...you're a good man, the cub couldn't ask for better."

"Cub?" Remus looked horrified and Sirius chuckled roughly.

"It has to have a nickname, Remmy, it will be a Marauder after all."

"Why...cub though?"

Sirius shrugged and leaned against James, his eyes were dark and he looked exhausted. "Wolves have cubs..." He said with a small yawn. "You're a wolf."

"So, if you ever have a child, does that mean it will be a puppy?" Remus asked with a small smile.

Sirius' own was soft as his eyes slipped closed and James put his arm around him. "Mm...I'd like that, ya'know? A kid of my own..."James and Remus looked at each other with raised eyebrows. "I think...I'd call it Mira...if it was a girl 'coz it's...the Omicron star in Cetus the whale that changes its brightness and gets its name from the Latin word for "wonderful"...If it's a boy... Procyon...Greek for "Before the Dog" because it's also Alpha Canis Minoris and rises in the sky before Sirius the Dog Star..." He sighed softly. "They're good names..."

James sighed and kissed Sirius' forehead. "You can't have kids, remember Siri? You're a bloke." He said half-jokingly. Slowly Sirius opened his eyes and gazed at him.

"I meant 'if'...A man can dream." Sirius' eyes began to fall closed again. "Regulus means 'prince'...I always liked that...it suited him..."

Remus smiled softly and felt regret that they would never get to see these children, due to Sirius' sexuality though it would not be possible.

XXX

James watched Sirius sleep, he lay in bed curled up with heaps of blankets on him, even though the room was warm he had been complaining of being cold. He sat by the bed for a while, keeping an ear out for the soft mutters that was usually a prelude to screaming nightmares, in his hands sat a book of photographs. He was gazing at one of himself and Lily stood at the altar, exchanging their rings and vows...he gazed at Lily's bright, happy face and wished he could turn back time and stop it all.

Sirius groaned heavily, his body shifting beneath his nest of blankets, James closed the photo album and set it aside. He moved from the chair and lay down beside his mate, he looked into his tortured face, so thin and delicate seeming it hurt James to see it. Gently he brushed hair from his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "It's alright, Siri, I'm not going anywhere...I promise." He felt strong, shaking hands grip his pyjama top so tightly it tore.

"...don't...don't l-let me go..." Sirius whispered in his sleep and James pulled him into his arms, burying his face in his neck and taking a deep breath.

"Never." He said firmly and felt his lover relax.

Over the next few weeks Sirius began suffering from pain in his limbs, his arms and lower back would throb in agony each time he moved around, sometimes he would simply collapse for no reason and even worse was when he lost the feeling in his fingers for an hour. James and Remus were at a loss, there was little they could do except make sure he continued to take his potion.

Once when James and Remus had gone out to bring in more potion supplies and discover what was happening in the wider world Sirius had gone into the kitchen to make himself something hot to drink, his legs had given way and thrown him to the floor with a crash. He lay there, unable to pick himself back up again without flaring agony tearing through his battered nerves.

James and Remus had come back to find him curled in a ball on the tiles, sobbing into his arms as he vibrated with shudders that shook him to his core. After that neither left him on his own, they made sure to rotate their watches, making sure Sirius didn't overextend himself. Sirius grew tired of his own helplessness, he got irritable and began to withdraw, humiliated by his regular collapses and constant shaking, he stayed in his room, refusing any help until one day they called in a Healer from St. Mungos.

She was a kind but stern woman who forced Sirius to allow himself to be examined, when done she pronounced that he would get better in time, the effects of the Cruciatus were horrible but eventually the weakness and the aches would subside and fade completely, however, the shaking would be permanent, even though that too would ease with regular doses of potions and tea. She prescribed him some Poppy Seed tea for the pain and as she stood at the door saying her farewells James obliviated her memory.

James' own wound was not healing, although he couldn't feel any pain the wound was a hard callous covering his upper arm like a dragon-hide sleeve. It cracked open sometimes when jolted and would bleed but there was little he could do about it, it didn't seem infected so he simply continued applying poultices and waited.


	41. Chapter 41

AN: I apologise for the long wait! :( I am a bad person, I didn't mean to keep you waiting its just that I have been so busy, I hope you can forgive me...as recompense I have put in some smut, please enjoy and thank you ALL for your wonderful reviews, Anonymous ones and signed! They're brilliant! Thank you!

_**"Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them." – Albus Dumbledore**_

"You're kidding me..." James whispered as Remus stood before them, he had a cut across one cheek and looked exhausted.

"No...It's happened, Voldemort has taken over the Ministry. The Ministers dead, he's put his men in charge and Harry's been driven into hiding..."

"I have to go help him!" James made to get up but Sirius grabbed his robes and dragged him back.

"That would be suicide. We're probably among the new ministry's most wanted...if we go charging after Harry they'll use us to get to him, our best bet is to hide. Harry knows what he's doing, Dumbledore wouldn't have made him go into this unarmed, trust him."

"He went with Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley so he's not alone." Remus said, trying to ease James' distress. "When he's ready we'll give him all the help he needs, all we should do now is wait."

After a tense pause James nodded reluctantly. "So...what do we do now?"

Remus slumped in his seat with a heavy sigh. "The Order's been disbanded, we can't do anything but wait now...we're being hunted down, we can't even contact anyone else for fear of exposing each other."

Sirius nodded. "I hate waiting."

"We all do." James replied, taking Sirius' hand in his own and squeezing it.

XXX

A month passed and the three men began to become anxious, Sirius paced often even as his bad spells of shaking and pain began to subside he still suffered from nightmares. Remus was unable to visit his wife and he became worried, James was quiet unable to settle and he would often be seen curled up in a seat by the window and gazing outside with a wistful expression. One day James found Sirius stood by the open back door and looking up at the stars, he had a cigarette in one hand and the other stuffed deep into the pocket of his jeans, he felt arms wrapped around him and he smiled as he leaned into the touch. "Remus has finally cracked and gone to see Tonks." James whispered softly.

"And what does that mean for us?"

"Well, Mr. Prongs was hoping that Mr. Padfoot would consent to going up to the bedroom and taking full advantage of the empty house..." James ran the flat of his palm down Sirius' chest.

"Mm...but what if Mr. Moony returns too soon and catches us?"

"Then we'll let him join in again..." James breathed, nipping at Sirius' ear lightly and grinning when he got a moan.

"He's married now."

"So was I when we were fucking while Lily was alive..." James retorted. "Come on, its been forever..."

Sirius crushed his cigarette out and turned within the circle of his mates arms, he pushed fingers into his hair and smiled. "I'm still recovering..."

"Then I'll be so gentle..." James replied, pressing his lips lightly to Sirius'. "Come on, Pads I'm so horny I could fuck a Hippogriff..."

Sirius snorted with laughter. "That's disturbing."

"So fucking a dog is much better, is it?" James smirked.

"When we fuck I'm in human form, Padfoot wouldn't like it..."

"Ah, so Padfoot's straight?"

"Padfoot just wants to reproduce."

"And what about his human alter-ego?"

Sirius raised an elegant eyebrow. "Padfoot's human alter ego is always up for experimentation, but would rather that there were no Hippogriffs involved as that could get messy."

"Oh come on, if it had a cock you'd fuck it." James muttered, he leaned down to capture Sirius' mouth but felt him stiffen in his arms.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Siri, it was a joke..."

"Didn't sound like a joke." Sirius began to pull away but James grabbed him and pushed him roughly against the wall.

"I'm sorry." He whispered before kissing his lover on the mouth, Sirius' lips parted slightly reluctantly as hands were pushed through his hair and a tongue slipped in his mouth.

"Jamie...?" Sirius muttered as James pulled away, he looked up through his fringe. "I...I'm..."

"What's wrong?" James whispered gently.

Sirius bit his lower lip for a second before shaking his head. "N-Nothing I'm fine..." He said and James smiled, Sirius tried to return it but it was weak even as James kissed him again. Sirius shuddered as he saw flashes of darkness, of soft pale, sweaty skin and cruel whispers flashed through his mind he stopped himself from pushing James away and simply allowed James to slip his t-shirt over his head.

"Let's go upstairs." James whispered as he fumbled with Sirius' jeans, Sirius merely nodded and let himself be dragged upstairs.

James pushed Sirius onto the bed and climbed on top of him, he gently pinned one hand above his head and kissed him as his free hand pushed between their bodies and flicked open the button of his jeans. "Siri, I love you." He whispered as he kissed Sirius' throat, he felt his chest hitch and smiled softly thinking it was a reaction to his ministrations.

"J-James..." Sirius muttered, squeezing his eyes shut and turning his head away. He shivered as he tried to concentrate on the fact that it was James touching him, it was James' nails running down his bare chest and it was James' hand working its way into his trousers...but he still couldn't get rid of the image of a pair of watery blue eyes and pain, the agony of humiliation and soul destroying physical agony. He bit down on his lower lip as a soft whimper tried to escape him, he had to gain some more self control, he wanted to be able to make James feel good. This wasn't about him, this was about giving James what he needed. He forced his eyes open and gazed into hazel, he managed a weak smile as he pushed his fear and self loathing away.

His jeans were off when he felt James' hand sliding down his body and towards his arse, he shuddered violently and turned his head away, his breathing speeded up and he tried to control his racing heart even as terror shook him to his very core. "Sirius...?" James' voice was soft and loving, if a little tight from desire. He smoothed hair from Sirius' eyes and gently moved his head so they were gazing into each other's eyes, a single tear tracked down Sirius' cheek, he appeared to be unaware of it. "Are you alright?"

Sirius nodded and tried a smile but it didn't fit on his face so he let it fall. "I-I'm fine...please, continue...I..."

James wiped the tear away and kissed Sirius' cheek. "Don't lie to me."

"I-I'm not I..."

"What the hell did they do to you?" James asked, cutting Sirius off.

"Nothing...It was...nothing..."

"Oh really? They just tortured you and broke your will, did they? That's alright then..." James moved away and sat up, Sirius continued to lay where he was, unable to look his friend in the eye. "What did they do? I want an honest answer Siri, I care about you...I want to help! Please..."

Sirius shook his head and rolled onto his side, covering his face with his hands as he curled up into a tight ball. "I'm a whore, Jamie...A disgusting...vile...peice of trash...I...I use people and hurt them and I betray them. I'm...not worth it. I don't deserve you and you can do so much better! You c-can go out and find a woman who w-will love you and be kind to you and hasn't been used before...You could so easily be free of me..."

"I don't want anyone else, Sirius." James snapped sharply, he calmed himself down with difficulty as fury swelled in his chest at the words spilling from Sirius' mouth. He could guess where they came from, he could hear the Rat behind those words and it made him sick to the stomach that Sirius had been used by such evil cowardice. "I only want you."

Sirius shook his head. "They were all right! I-I'm worthless...You should leave me and go find someone else, someone who won't taint you! I let them fuck me...I let them use me and hurt me and whisper the truth to me in the dark...James...I shouldn't be alive. I should have had the guts to die when you did...or...or I should have had the guts to die in your place! I was a coward...I'm _still_ a coward...Please..._Please_...stop loving me!"

James crawled to Sirius and put a firm hand on his shoulder, it shook beneath it but he rolled him over and pinned him there, gazing down into his eyes. "Sirius, I love you. I will always love you. I'm here for you, I live because of you..." He pressed his forehead against his and threaded his fingers into his lovers, he let a small smile touch his lips as he closed his eyes. "You know what? When I sleep at night I sometimes dream of living in a little house with a garden and trees, I can see Harry flying around in the back garden and when I turn around there you are...I want that, Siri. I want to live with you, to grow old together...to be buried beside you and watch Harry's children grow up and go to school...I want to argue over who's turn it is to do the washing up or who put the red sock in with the whites...I want you like I've never wanted anything else...let me have that."

Sirius closed his eyes and sighed. "We will never grow old, James. We will both outlive Harry, his children and their children, we'll outlive Remus and Tonks and their baby, we'll even outlive McGonagall...Is that what you want? Do you want to watch your son grow old and die before your eyes while you remain unchanging? Do you want to watch Harry's grandchildren get grey and wrinkly while you stay twenty-one? I've destroyed your dream, I killed it the day I brought you back from the dead..."

James sighed. "No, you didn't...you just changed it. Sirius, nothing can ever make me feel any different about you, what happened to you was...evil and cruel and I hate those who did it, but I can't hate you. None of it is your fault."

Sirius shook his head but before he could speak he was being kissed, James was slow and tender and so gentle he felt himself melt and sink into the sensation. "Jamie..."

"I love you Sirius, you're...you're my boyfriend." He opened his eyes and watched Sirius for a reaction, the man just gaped up at him.

"B-Boyfriend?"

He nodded. "Yeah...I mean...if that's what you want..."

"As in...we'll be...exclusive?"

"'Fraid so, Sirius." James smiled.

"Is that even possible?"

James chuckled. "Why wouldn't it be?"

Sirius couldn't answer that so he sighed. "I can't say no to you Potter."

"Good, I like that." James grinned and kissed his boyfriend.

Sirius lifted his arms and wrapped them around James' neck, he found himself smiling into their elongated kiss and they only broke away reluctantly to breathe. "I love you James Potter." He whispered with a gentle smile.

"Good...I wouldn't have it any other way, Sirius..."

Sirius smiled and suddenly rolled over, James found himself underneath him and saw an almost evil grin on his face as he rested his palms on his stomach.

XXX

Remus opened his door, he was smiling to himself as he stepped over the threshold and kicked off his shoes before making his way through the hall towards the kitchen, he paused as he suddenly heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a name...

He paused at the bottom of the stairs and looked up, he could clearly hear bedsprings creaking and moans of pleasure drifting down from the upper floors. He chuckled to himself and shook his head. "Idiots...when will they learn to close the door?"

XXX

Sirius was amazed. He gazed down at James with wide, fascinated eyes as he moved his hips slowly, keeping the pace almost torturous. James arched his back, cursing and swearing as sweat beaded on his chest and forehead, his hair was a complete mess as he writhed. "C-Come on...P-Pad's...P-Please...Ah, Merlin! F-Faster..."

Sirius lifted himself up and down, feeling James try and force him to speed up but he grabbed his hands and pulled them off his hips, he pinned them down on either side of his boyfriends head. He kissed him, feeling James' body tremble and he smiled when James made a soft whimpering noise. "You love it...I can feel you..." He whispered, nuzzling the side of James' neck with a self-satisfied grin. "It's...so good...I could get used to the control..." He muttered, moving his hips again, this time slamming himself back down so hard he felt a shudder wrack his body and force a strangled moan from his own lips. "Fucking _hell_..." In this position he got an odd sense of control even though he was still technically bottoming, he was drawing tortured noises from his lover and he was loving every shudder, every curse and every flicker of that tongue against those lips. He finally sat up and leaned back, his hands on James' thighs as he began moving himself faster.

"Oh thank fuck!" James hissed, arching his back as he thrust himself into Sirius, matching his pace as best he could. He felt Sirius tightening around him and groaned heavily, his hands going to his hips and holding him still while he did the rest of the work. His eyes were glued to his lovers face as he made Sirius cum, his body went rigid, his eyes fluttered closed and he let his head fall back so a cascade of pitch black hair fell down his spine, James watched a pulse jump in his throat, counting down until Sirius jerked and uttered a wonderful moan that sounded like James' name and spattered his chest with semen. With that sight locked firmly in his mind James pushed upwards with his hips, his fingers digging into the flesh as he pushed himself over the edge and fell into blissful white fog.

They came down from their highs wrapped firmly around each other, James kissed Sirius' temple and felt him sigh happily. "That was amazing...annoying...but amazing..."

Sirius chuckled. "It was slightly different...if a bit generic."

"Generic sex...hmm...Maybe we should spice things up..."

Sirius curled around his boyfriend and smiled into his hair. "We could add food..." he whispered huskily, tangling a hand in the hair at the back of James' neck. "Or you could let me Top for a change..."

James looked horrified. "No! No way would you ever top me! I'd rather be castrated..."

"Oh that could be arranged." Sirius smirked evilly and grabbed his wand off the bedside table, he pointed it at James' wilting genitalia.

"No! That's uncalled for...! Siri...!" He found his protests cut off as lips caressed his own, he grinned and grabbed a handful of Sirius' hair non too gently. "I could go again...very soon..." He whispered, nipping at Sirius' bottom lip playfully. "I want you on all fours..." He took Sirius' hand with his free one and pulled it between their sweaty bodies, he wrapped those fingers around his half-hard erection and pulled away slightly. "Will you be alright with that?"

Sirius nodded. "If it's you."

"Good..." He rolled Sirius over, lifting up his hips and bending his head, he pressed his lips to the smooth skin of his buttocks and smiled when he heard a small giggle.

Sirius rested his forehead against his arm as he felt James' hot breath ghosting over his flesh and making it erupt in goose bumps, he shivered and smiled in anticipation and a little unacknowledged fear. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the sensations, the soft tentative touch of something hot and wet on the inside of his butt cheek, he bit down on his lower lip, preventing his body from reacting to the teasing by pushing himself backwards as he felt fingers running down his spine. "Siri?" James whispered hoarsely from behind. "You alright?"

"F-fine...just do it...Please..." Sirius replied, a strain of longing in his voice. And then he felt it, a hot, wet appendage pushing into him, he shuddered and gripped the sheets in fists. "Oh holy fuck..." He hissed as his hips jerked backwards, as he attempted to impale himself on that tongue. He felt James' hand slide around his thigh and take his erection, his shiver of pleasure turned into a moan.

It didn't take long for James to get frustrated and pull away, he lifted himself to his knees and lined himself up with Sirius' hole before grabbing his hips. "You alright?" He muttered.

Sirius nodded, "Yeah...I need you..." He rasped and when James pushed inside him he pushed back as lightening shot up his spine. He trembled and groaned heavily, his hands tangling in the sheets below him. "Fucking hell Jamie...I love you...fuck me! Fuck me hard...!"

James grinned and obliged gladly, his motion became fast and his breathing caught in his throat. "S-Siri...You're so good..." Sirius gasped and met James thrust for thrust, his body flushed and sweaty as lips caressed the back of his neck and fingers tangled in his hair as his head was dragged backwards. James picked up his speed as he felt yet another orgasm rushing towards him at the speed of light, but he wanted to make Sirius cum first so he reached around and began stroking his erection until he felt his body tense and a choked moan escape his lips. "Yes...come on Siri, cum for me...it's a-alright..."

"J-Jamie...Ah _fuck_!"

They collapsed back onto the bed, Sirius chuckled tiredly. "You're impossible...that was hardly any time at all..." He muttered.

"Well..." James swallowed as sense returned slowly. "I didn't want to keep our good Moony awake all night, we had to be quick."

"Hmm? Remus is back?" Sirius' eyes were heavy as he curled up with James curled around him and an arm resting around his waist.

"Yeah, he came back not long ago."

"Good..." Sirius sighed and was pitched off into a deep sleep.


	42. Chapter 42

EDIT: Sorry, I took down the previous chapter because no matter how many times I read it through it didn't really fit into my canon Sirius...it was much too dark. So, I shortened the chapter. Hope it's all ok and thanks to all the reviews! Love them as always you wonderful people. :)

_**By the light of seven candles I watch you burn, our souls twined as one within our hearts, my mind is filled forever by your face. Our hands locked together, lovers embrace, skin to skin, our lives bound as the fates would have us...My soul, forever yours, forever burning in those seven candles... – For once an original quote from me! (Kimmimaru)**_

Sirius sighed heavily as he threw the paper to the coffee table, he slumped in the sofa and glared into the roaring fire. "Anything interesting?" James asked as he entered and handed his boyfriend a steaming mug of tea, Sirius took it gratefully and sipped.

"The usual bile." He said with a shrug. "Harry's undesirable number one and we're a close second..."

"Any news on where he is?"

"No, if they had caught him James it would be printed everywhere, don't worry, no news is good news."

James nodded, Sirius spoke sense but he couldn't help but worry, they hadn't heard any news since Harry had managed to get into the Ministry. The news had come from Arthur Weasley who had told them what had happened, although none of them knew why they had gone there. They had received the leaflet's warning them about how terrible Muggle-borns were and how to alert the ministry to any unreported ones, Sirius had read it through and remembered everything his family had believed, he remembered that once, long ago he had believed it all as well. James had burnt it with vehement hisses of what he would like to do to the head of the Muggle-born registration committee, he had gone upstairs after that and they had heard something break.

Remus began to act oddly, he stopped visiting his wife and when Sirius or James asked he would dismiss it as being too dangerous as they were being watched but James and Sirius both thought he looked tired and sick, but the full moon wasn't for weeks. He would spend hours just staring into space and one day he left them for a whole week, on his return they saw the obvious signs of finger nail scratches across one cheek and after much cajoling they got the full story.

"You what?" James jumped to his feet furiously, his eyes flashing behind his glasses.

"I...I was going to join Harry..." Remus whispered, the guilt and pain obvious on his face.

"We heard." Sirius said coldly. "I thought better of you, Remus."

Remus looked away in shame. "I was an idiot! I thought...I hoped...I wanted to get away! I wanted to escape and...and do something reckless!"

"Just because your wife is pregnant?" James shoved fingers into his hair. "What would your kid think if he'd grown up with a coward for a father? You...you're ridiculous! I would kill to be with Harry and here you are trying to escape your responsibility! Remus...you're a father, you have a baby on the way and a wife who needs you."

"I know!" Remus snapped suddenly, standing and facing James with fire in his eyes. "After Harry shouted at me I realised my mistake...I went to see Tonks a-and...and she..." He indicated the scratch marks and Sirius snorted in derision.

"You deserved worse, mate."

"You think I don't know that? She told me she didn't want to see me...I...I was kicked out of her house by her mother..." He slumped back into his seat and pushed fingers into his hair. "I'm so fucking scared, James."

"Go back to her." Sirius leaned forward, his eyes sparkling behind his fringe as he lifted Remus' head up with a hand wrapped around the back of his neck. "Go back to her and beg her to take you back, Remus. You need this...we want you to be happy, more than anything."

Remus opened his mouth but instead of speaking he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Sirius' lips. "I love her, Sirius, I do...but I...I'm afraid."

"We all are." James said as he sat on Remus' other side on the sofa. "Every time I imagine what Harry's up to I get so scared I want to scream, I don't know what he's doing or where he is...I can't help him...but you can help Tonks, you can make her safe and protect her and your child...do what I can't, be with them."

Remus hung his head as his friends wrapped him in warmth. "You're lucky you can have children, Remus...you can leave behind a wonderful legacy." Sirius muttered into his hair with a small, wistful smile. "You can have a family and love and care for your child..."

Slowly he nodded then suddenly sat upright and rummaged through his pockets. "That's a thought...I found this in St. Mungos..." He withdrew a battered looking leaflet and pushed it into Sirius' hands.

"What were you doing in hospital?" James asked.

"I wanted to find out more about childbirth...to see if it would ease my mind, I also spoke to several nurses about Werewolves breeding but they weren't helpful...I grabbed this before they threw me out."

"What is this?" Sirius whispered.

Remus smiled. "It's the nineties, Siri, Medical experimentation has come a long way."

Sirius looked up from his leaflet, "Is this...for real?"

"Very real and it works."

James leaned over Remus to gaze at the paper curiously, his eyes moved across the writing.

_Having trouble conceiving? Desperately want a child of your own? Then read on. _

_The Department of Experimental Medicine has been working on a way for Wizarding couples to produce children who would otherwise be unable to conceive. After years of research into Muggle IVF treatment (artificial insemination) and magical procreation we have discovered a way for couples to produce a child artificially, we can now create a foetus using magic and the genetic material from both parents, it has taken much stringent testing and massive amounts of experimentation but now it is possible for a couple to have a child of their own blood. If you are interested please come in and speak to our resident Maternity Healer, Alice Hydrangea._

Sirius frowned. "You think that I should...?"

"You said you wanted a child, Sirius...this is a way for you to do that." Remus smiled.

"Does it definitely work then?" James asked, looking at the paper gripped in Sirius' hand.

"Who knows unless you try it?" Remus replied with a shrug.

"Is that what you want Siri?" James looked at his friend who was gazing down at the paper and blinking at it as if dazed.

"I...I don't know...I mean...I'd like to have a child...but then..." His face crumpled and he squashed the leaflet in his hand. "I'd be a horrible father, I'm a useless role model...imagine what would happen if I tried to have one? It would be a disaster. Thanks for thinking of me...I...I'm sorry but it would never work." He stood abruptly and walked away.

"He would be a great father." James whispered, staring at the door that Sirius had left through. Remus smiled.

"He would. Go after him, James...he needs something to hope for."

James turned to Remus. "Go back and talk to Tonks." He said and clapped him on the back before running after his lover.

XXX

Tonks sat curled up on the sofa, she had her head in her arms and she could feel the large bump that was her child pressing against her thighs as she remembered Remus walking out on her. Her shoulders shook as she suppressed her tears, she felt a soft hand on her shoulder.

"Dora, I brought some tea." She looked up and saw her mother holding a mug, she took it in shaking hands. "You should go out more, dear, all this hiding is doing you and the baby no good..."

"I don't feel like it." Tonks replied softly and gulped her tea.

"Really dear I..." Andromeda was cut off by a knock on the door, she stood and removed her wand from her robes. "Stay here." She said and moved to the door, carefully she opened it. A man stood there, in the pouring rain. His battered robes were dripping wet, his brown hair dark and sticking to his forehead with the water, when Andromeda tried closing the door on him he grabbed it.

"Please!" He gasped, he was panting as if he had been running and his eyes were bright. "Please...let me see her."

"It's too late, she doesn't want to see you." Andromeda replied sharply with heavily lidded, dark eyes. "If you do not remove your hand from my door, Mr. Lupin I will curse you."

Remus lowered his head humbly, but did not remove his hand. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Tonks...I...I made a horrible mistake...I am begging you let me see her a-and speak to her...let me apologise!"

Andromeda's lips tightened and she ran her long fingers down her wand, an elegant and yet threatening gesture that reminded him of Sirius. "I will ask her, stay here."

"Thank you." Remus sighed and slumped against the wall, Andromeda turned away without a word and he waited, he tipped his head back and closed his eyes as water poured over his face and down the back of his robes. He was soaked to the bone but the rain felt good on his skin, he was still alive and he could make amends for what he had done, he could try to make her understand how sorry he was and how much he desperately wanted her.

"She will see you but you will talk here." Andromeda said sternly when she returned, Remus nodded as the woman stepped away to reveal Tonks.

The first thing Remus noticed was that her belly was larger, it bulged out beneath her robes and made her look so tiny and frail that he almost ran again, but he hardened himself and looked into her eyes. "Dora..." He whispered. "I...I'm sorry." He managed as his eyes lingered on the bump, her hand rested on it in a gesture of protection.

"And you think that sorry will make it all better?" Tonks said with a frown. "You ran away from me! You left me with our child in my belly and you expect me to accept an apology when you come crawling back with your tail between your legs?"

"I made a mistake, what I did was wrong and I've realised that...I spent some time and realised that I want you...I want to be with you and see our child grow...Dora I love you." Remus said desperately, he took a step forward but stopped.

"If you really loved me you would never have left in the first place..."

"I was stupid and I was acting like a coward, I'm scared, Dora...I'm terrified of what is growing inside you, I'm terrified of what the future holds for us and what could become of us in this war."

"And you think I'm not? Remus, I don't want my child growing up without parents, I don't want it to know pain or have to grow up alone...but it's a risk I am willing to take."

"I know..." Slowly he reached out and touched her stomach, beneath his hand he felt the skin ripple and he gasped, his brown eyes widened and he gazed at it. "It moved." He whispered. "I-It's alive...And it...moved..."

Dora put her hand on his. "It's your child, Remus...and you ran away from it."

Remus swallowed, his face crumpling in agony as he stepped closer and pushed his fingers into Tonks' hair. "I love you, Dora. You're my wife...And I promise from this day forth I'll keep that vow...I'm begging you, take me back. Let me make up for it."

She looked up at him with dark eyes but slowly they began to lighten, her hair shortened and turned a vibrant violet as she stood on tippy toe and pressed her lips to her husband's. "I've always been an idiot, too stupid to know what's good for me...Let's give it another try."

Remus smiled and grabbed her, he pulled her into the rain and kissed her deeply, his fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of her neck. "I love you Dora Lupin." He whispered against her mouth.

XXX

"I'm bored, James." Sirius whined from where he lay wrapped in sheets. James looked up from the magazine he was reading and raised an eyebrow.

"You're always bored." He said and Sirius hit him with a pillow, he chuckled as he caught it. "Alright, what do you want to do?"

"Well, my arse is too sore for another round." Sirius smirked and earned the pillow to the face, he giggled as he pushed it away from himself. "Take me for a walk."

"A...walk?"

"Yeah, I've still got that lead and collar you got me for my twentieth birthday."

James laughed. "And you want to risk being spotted while I take you for a walk?"

"I don't care anymore, I need to get out even if I have to degrade myself to do it."

"Oh, I really don't think you can get more degrading than what we've just done..."

Sirius hit him with the cushion again. "Shut it, just take me for a walk."

"I'll need polyjuice potion..."

"Or just transfigure yourself."

"Oh yeah...come on then, let's go walkies."

Sirius leapt out of bed and threw on some clothes before changing into Padfoot and wagging his tail as he dug beneath the bed and dragged out a box holding an assortment of objects including a red and gold lead and matching collar, James laughed as he stood before the mirror and began changing aspects of his appearance with wand in hand. When he was done he had a beard and his eyes were yellow, grey streaked his hair which was still messy. He transfigured his glasses into smaller spectacles and affixed the lead and collar to Padfoot who woofed happily.

They walked to a nearby park and James let Sirius off his lead, he smiled as he watched him bound away, sniffing at everything and his tail constantly wagging. He cocked his leg against a tree and bounded away to greet a Staffordshire Bullterrier, the two dogs played together and James watched with a smile until Sirius returned to his side and licked his hand. James walked on, Padfoot loping at his side as he sniffed the wind and let it ruffle his fur, finally they had done several circuits of the park and began making their way back home.

Suddenly Padfoot froze, he lowered his head and began growling low in his throat as several men walked through the shadows in a tree filled area, James put his hand on the back of Sirius' neck and held him still. "What is it?" He asked and got a low rumble in response. "Do you know them?" He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end as he saw a flash of light. "Wizards..." He whispered and Sirius suddenly barked loudly and ripped free of James' grasp. "Siri-Padfoot!" He shouted and bolted after the dog.

The huge black dog ran full-pelt at the group of men standing in the shadows, one of them heard the loud, booming barks and looked up. His watery blue eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but his shout of warning came too late as red light shot from the person hot on the dogs heels. His companions crumpled one by one until Peter found himself backed against a tree with Padfoot growling furiously at him, his own wand lay forgotten at his feet and as James ran to a halt he stamped on it, snapping the wood in two. Peter recognised his old friends immediately and when he saw the look of freezing fury in James' eyes he whimpered.

XXX

Remus returned with a big smile on his face, he walked into the house and searched for any sign of his temporary housemates. When he saw no sign of them he began to worry until he heard a scream from the cellar, he withdrew his wand and flung open the door, he took the steps two at a time until he reached the bottom and gazed around at the place.

On the left hand side stood a huge cage where he usually hid during a full moon, the locks were magically enhanced and it was tied down with thick, heavy chains and bound with magic. Inside lay a crumpled heap of brown robes, standing outside was James and Sirius sat on the floor smoking and gazing at the prisoner with hard, silver eyes. "What in Merlin's name is going on?" Remus asked, pocketing his wand again.

"We caught ourselves a rat, Moony." Sirius said as a smile lit his face, his eyes glittered like ice beneath the light of several floating candles.

"A rat? I..." Remus' eyes widened and he stepped up to the cage, once he got a better look he could clearly see the balding man within and recognition flooded him with fire. "Wormtail!" He growled. The man twitched and moaned as he slowly sat up and gazed through the bars at his captors.

"R-Remus...!" He squeaked and began crawling towards the cage. Sirius slammed his hand on the bars and he flinched violently, withdrawing into the shadows.

"We enhanced the enchantments so he can't change his form." James said softly, his voice dangerous.

"This is...where did you find it?" Remus turned to Sirius who lit a cigarette from where he still sat leaning against the bars.

"In the park. We went for a walk, in disguise of course, and I smelt him from a mile off...he reeks of betrayal and fear...It's quite an intoxicating scent." He blew smoke from his lips and smiled slowly, drawing one knee to his chest as he rested his head on the bars. "Now he's our pet. Can we keep him Moony? I'd dearly love to have a play mate...after everything he's done to me, I deserve it."

"Please Remus...I-I...It's not my fault...I-..."

"Shut up!" Sirius smashed his hand into the bars again, the whole cage rattled and at the squeak Sirius chuckled. "Good little rat."

"Let's go upstairs and talk about it." James said slowly, his eyes dark as he stared at the cringing ruin within, he lifted his hand and pressed it against the bars. "There are so many, many things I want to do to it...but we need to talk. Come on Remus."

"Look, it's afraid..." Sirius whispered, his eyes alight with a sick joy as he gazed at Peter. "I like it. We should make him scream...it'd be _so_ easy..." He fingered his wand and licked his lips slowly. "He liked doing it to me, why shouldn't I get my revenge...?"

"Sirius, come." James said, grabbing Sirius by the scruff of his t-shirt and hauling him to his feet. "Now's not the time."

"Aw, but Jamie..."

"Wait." James pulled him out of the cellar, Peter's eyes bored into Sirius' back and he couldn't help but turn and meet his gaze. He grinned maliciously as he waved and followed his friends.

Once the three of them were in the living room Sirius and James explained how they had found him. "And then we brought him back here." Sirius said, reclining lazily in his seat as he smoked. "I wanted to take the others with us but James said it was too dangerous, so we left them with a message."

"Message?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, Sirius carved it into their chests." James shrugged.

"_I won't forget what you did; remember the Phoenix rises from the ashes._" He grinned, revealing sharp canine teeth. "I think I made myself clear enough."

"Well I suppose it would be pointless reprimanding you." Remus sighed. "I can't say that revenge hasn't crossed my mind as well, but the question is what are we to do with him?"

"Oh I have a few ideas." Sirius whispered, his voice so low it was almost a growl. "He used me." He said, gazing into the fire. "He used me like a whore...I would like to make him feel how I felt...I want to make him scream for a change."

"We can't stoop to his level...I say we hand him to the dementors." Remus said after wincing at Sirius' tone.

"Dementors who are all under Ministry control? They are swarming and breeding everywhere, even Muggles are feeling their effects...do you honestly believe that they will hold him?"

"No, but they will take his soul if we hand him over."

"And mine." Sirius replied and turned to face Remus. "They hunt those who have disturbing pasts, I'm a veritable feast. The removal of his soul is a mercy, a mercy I have no intention of allowing. He stays and he will scream for death by the time I'm finished. I want to feel his blood on my hands! He ruined me, he murdered Lily! It's because of him that Harry has no mother!"

"I know that but..."

"I agree with Sirius." James said suddenly, startling them all. "I say we keep him. I want revenge for Lily, I want Harry to see the thing that betrayed us and gave him his scar...I want him to be able to look him in the eyes. He stays."

"I understand James but really this is madness! We won't be any better than the death eaters if we do this."

"I won't be torturing him." James replied. "He will stay locked up until such time as I can let him meet Harry, let his own conscience tear him to shreds."

Sirius sighed. "And I was so looking forward to revenge." He said softly, eyes never leaving James'.

"I won't see my friends degrade into cold blooded killers." James said firmly.

"I don't have to kill him, and I'm already a cold blooded killer, remember?"

"Either way, he stays alive and unharmed." When Sirius opened his mouth to retaliate James shook his head. "No, Siri, I want you to keep your soul as whole as it can be..."


	43. Chapter 43

FYI, the reason Sirius' personality changes rapidly is because he's a few screws loose of the whole tool box, due to numerous bouts of torture, the fact that his family interbred with each other and the constant abuse he has suffered throughout his poor life. I wanted to try and show the abrupt changes in emotions, the sudden outbursts of uncontrollable anger, sadness and even joy...I hope I did alright. :D Anyways, please enjoy and love all your reviews! Thank you ever so much.

_**A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.**__**  
**__**Francis Bacon**_

Sirius yawned and rolled over, slowly he blinked as he found his nose millimetres from James'. He grinned. "Morning." He muttered.

"Are you alright?" James replied, smoothing his fingers through Sirius' hair and smiling as Sirius pushed his head into the touch.

"Me? I'm fucking brilliant." He pushed his morning erection against James and grinned. "Except for one thing..."

James raised an eyebrow. "Then we must deal with that problem immediately." He leaned in and kissed his boyfriend slowly, his hips pressing against Sirius' flat stomach.

"More..." Sirius whispered as he suddenly disengaged his mouth and wrapped a hand around James' cock. "Say my name."

"Sirius..." James pulled him back in for a long kiss, their tongues exploring each other's mouths tentatively. "Nnn...good..."

Sirius' smile was cheeky as he pulled away, never letting up the slow, sensuous movements of his hand as he slid down the bed. James lifted the duvet up with a raised eyebrow, he got one glimpse of those silver eyes before wet heat encased him, he groaned and smiled, pushing fingers into Sirius' hair and moving his hips. When Sirius pulled away he moaned in disappointment but before he could complain Sirius rolled onto his back and pulled James with him, his hands grabbed the headboard as he gazed down to see Sirius flash him a toothy smile before going down on him once again. James straddled Sirius' head and shuddered as his lover took his erection as far as it would go. Hands slid around and pushed his arse, forcing him deeper, he gasped and tightened his grip on the headboard, his eyes closed as he felt Sirius moan around him, he couldn't stop the rhythmic movements of his hips as sensation overtook his mind.

"Oh fuck...Sirius..." James whispered, his knuckles almost white on the wooden headboard. "I love y-you...I fucking...love you..." Sirius chuckled around his mouthful. "Oh...Oh my...christ...Didn't your mother...e-ever tell you not to t-talk with your...nnn...mouthful...?"

Sirius slapped James' arse and applied a little suction, James lost it, he felt a tremor wrack his body and suddenly thick hot liquid filled his mouth. He swallowed hungrily with a groan that sent vibrations into his lovers cock.

"Oh...Now that is not something I wish to see this early in the morning."

James' eyes flew open as he was released and he felt hot breath on his stomach as Sirius chuckled breathlessly. "Remus..." He muttered, rolling away from his boyfriend and pulling him back up so his head rested on the cushions. "Want to join us?" He muttered as he ran his tongue over Sirius' lips and dipped it into his mouth, he ran the flat of his hand down his chest causing Sirius to arch into his touch. "He's a horny bastard, I thought I'd worn him out last night but..." He grinned and looked at Remus' blurry outline.

"I'm a married man now, Jamie." Remus replied with a smile.

"If it was that abhorrent you'd have walked away...come on, once more, for old time's sake..." He reached out and Remus shook his head.

"When you two are done deciding whether you want a threesome or not remember that I have a raging hard on and I need to get rid of it before it drives me fucking _insane_." James silenced him with a long, open mouthed kiss, he groaned heavily as he felt his hand slide down his body again, he pushed it further down until the fingers were buried in his pubic hair. James paused and looked up, a smirk plastered across his face and his eyes smouldering.

"Last chance, Remus, or you can always watch..."

Remus laughed and shook his head, yet his eyes lingered on Sirius' body, his proud erection standing tall and he licked his lips as his eyes lightened to a toffee colour but eventually he pushed himself away from the wall. "Sorry, have fun I want breakfast and I need a shower."

James chuckled roughly before returning his attention to his boyfriend's lips, he smiled into the kiss, nipping his tongue lightly before pulling away and moving his hand downwards, he gazed intently at Sirius' face as he wrapped his fingers around his erection. "Finally..." Sirius breathed and thrust up into the hand. James moved so he was straddling Sirius' legs, he slowly lowered his lips to the head of his penis and smiled before flicking his tongue across the head. Sirius bucked his hips slightly with a breathy moan, James watched him intently, loving every facial expression, the way his hair fell across his face, the way his lips parted slightly and his tongue peeked out to wet them. He smiled one last time before taking him into his mouth, one hand wrapped firmly around the base. Fingers tangled in his hair and Sirius canted his hips until James released him with his hand and slipped it downwards. When the first finger penetrated him he hissed air through his teeth and arched his back, his legs moved apart to give his lover better access as a second finger breached him. "I love you Jamie..." He muttered, James hummed in response.

After his shower Remus walked back past his friends room only to glance in through the open door, he paused as he saw Sirius stretched out on the bed with James sucking him off, his body was rigid, his knees drawn up and his hands gripping the headboard as if his life depended on it as his hips moved in time with James' mouth. Remus watched as Sirius came with a cry and James pulled away after swallowing. Remus sighed and shook his head. James grinned at him as he slammed the door. "Bloody exhibitionists..." He called and heard giggles.

XXX

"Sirius, Remus is with his wife...come on, I'm horny." James whispered, wrapping his arms around Sirius' chest and drawing him back into his body.

"We do nothing but fuck..." Sirius replied, turning his head and looking into James' face.

"So? I like it. I love your body..." He moved his palms over Sirius' chest, feeling the muscles beneath his white t-shirt clench. "...I love your lips..." He nipped them lightly and smiled when Sirius licked at his own with his tongue in response. "I love your arse...your cock...I like your eyes clouded in pleasure as you cum...I want to make you scream my name again, I love your voice when you give yourself to me..."

"Jamie..." Sirius sighed and smiled as he turned in his boyfriend's arms and stepped forward, James was forced backwards a pace. "No." He pulled away. "I'm still sore from earlier...come on, I want to do something else for a change..."

"But there's nothing to do but fuck..."

Sirius withdrew something from his pocket, his hand shook slightly. "I...I want to talk to this healer." He whispered, watching James carefully. "I...I'm being stupid I know, but...but maybe I could..."

James smiled and stepped forward, he lifted his hand and stroked hair from his eyes before leaning down and kissing Sirius firmly. "Alright, I'll go with you. We'll have to disguise ourselves though."

So Sirius found himself sitting in an office with James at his side, their hands clasped beneath the table where the stern looking woman couldn't see. "Well, now, Mr...erm..." She looked down at a peice of parchment on her desk. "Marcellus Brown...?" Sirius nodded. "What is it you wish to know exactly?"

"I want to know exactly what the procedure is for this...treatment..."

"Well, for starters we would need to receieve genetic material from both parents, then we would mix this together so to speak, and bind it with magic. The foetus will be grown in an artificial womb until it is a certain size before being implanted within the female." She smiled tightly, eyeing the two men warily. "I assume there is a woman?"

Sirius released James' hand quickly. "Oh...yes, yes of course."

"Good, then she should be here to fully understand what could happen..."

"Unfortunately she's busy at the moment, work and all that...perhaps I could take back some leaflets for her?"

"Of course, but she must come back to give her genetic sample and to be briefed, also we will be doing some health checks to ensure both partners are healthy."

"Thank you." Sirius smiled.

XXX

Back at Remus' Sirius went straight to the kitchen and bent down to the cupboard full of alcohol. He withdrew a bottle and pulled the corke with his teeth before downing some straight from the neck of the bottle, James chuckled and took the bottle from his lover. Their transformations fell and they returned to normal as Sirius shot James a half-hearted glare. "I need a woman." He muttered. "Of course, they wouldn't let a guy raise a child on his own..."

"No, you need a Genetic donor, not a woman." James replied, taking a sip of the stinging alcohol.

Sirius frowned slightly. "So...So I only need to convince someone to have a kid with me?"

"That's about it." James grabbed two glasses and moved to the living room, Sirius followed on his heels, his face still in that thoughtful frown. "You need someone you get along with, a friend preferably, someone who has good genes, obviously and someone who you're willing to allow acess to your kid...oh and they have to be attractive, you don't want an ugly child..." James paused and frowned for a second. "Not that any child with Black gene's is ever going to be ugly...I mean just look at you..." His eyes raked Sirius slowly and he smiled. "You're gorgeous."

Sirius waved the compliment away with a hand before sitting himself down in James' lap, he tangled his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and kissed him. "Are you saying that the person I need has to be smart, talented, magically powerful, kind, generous, loving, warm and beautiful?"

"Also someone you like..."

Sirius leaned closer, his smile widening. "What about someone I...love?" He whispered against James' lips.

"You mean...?" James' eyes widened and he pulled away from Sirius enough to look into his eyes, he frowned. "I have a son already...I..."

"Yes, but perhaps Harry wouldn't mind a little brother...James...If there is one person in this whole universe I would ever share a child with it would you. It can only be you. I don't want anyone else...please, Jamie...for me?"

"Siri, I...I'm not sure...It's a little...sudden...and weird...and I...Just let me think about it. Please?"

Sirius gazed into those hazel eyes before sighing and nodding. "Alright...fine..."

James smiled and wrapped his hand around the back of Sirius' neck, he drew him into a kiss. "I love you, no matter what happens."

XXX

With sunlight streaming down over his body, the covers tangled around his waist and his hair splayed across the white pillow Sirius looked like an angel. James gazed down at him with a soft smile, he knelt by the bed so he could gaze into his peaceful face. "I love you." He muttered and traced a finger down that perfect nose, his face was perfection, he begged to be immortalised in paint by a great artist, even with the small frown marring his features he was truly beautiful. James leaned down and kissed him gently. "Siri..." He muttered, pushing hair from his face with his fingers. "Siri, wake up...we have a busy day..."

"Mmm...don't wanna..." Sirius mumbled as he rolled away from that irritating voice. James chuckled and crawled onto the bed, he wrapped Sirius firmly in his arms and buried his face in his hair.

"We have to do this, Siri, we haven't got a choice...but I promise you I'll be by your side."

"...Always?"

"And forever."

Sirius rolled over to gaze at his boyfriend. "Will I get bacon?"

"Remus is making some now."

Sirius grinned. "Excellent, I can always go for bacon."

The cellar was dark, it stank of old sweat and human waste. Sirius covered his nose. "Ugh..." He stepped down the stairs slowly, his wand held aloft as he walked. James walked behind him, his hand resting gently in the small of his back, a soft but comforting touch that kept him moving forward. The cage sat where it always had, Remus stood beside it, leaning on the top and yawning.

"What took you so long?" He muttered and eyed the pair before rolling his eyes. "I envy you your stamina, but we have this scum to discuss..."

Sirius gazed into the cage, Peter sat huddled in the corner, his eyes fixed morosely on some distant point as he rocked back and forth slightly, there was no room for him to stand up so he was cramped and uncomfortable. He ignored his captors as they prowled the cage, watching their prey with hard, cold eyes. Suddenly Sirius slammed his hand against the bars, peter yelped in terror and jumped visibly, the cellar was filled with a sharp bark of laughter. "He's a scared little thing when the roles are reversed, isn't he Jamie?"

"It is ironic." James replied.

"It seems to me that because he was in a position of power when you were captured he thought it safe for him to abuse you, Sirius." Remus added thoughtfully.

"I...I..."

Sirius slammed his fist into the bars again, Peter winced but went quiet. "I want to hurt him." Sirius whispered, crouching before the bars, his fingers wrapped through them and he gazed at the man trapped within like a child at a zoo looking at the monkeys. "I want to make him scream." His eyes glittered beneath his heavy fringe and his smile was deranged, until James put a hand firmly on his shoulder, silently reigning in his urges.

"No. He stays alive until Harry can see the man who murdered his mother."

"But Jamie..."

"I said no, Siri. Calm down...please."

Sirius cocked his head to the side and eyed Peter hungrily. "Only because you're asking, if you weren't here..."

"We know." Remus added, his voice holding a bite of fear. "We know."

"He deserves it...he hurt me, abused me...he humiliated me and had his disgusting cock inside me...you know it's so small the only reason I knew it was there was because his skin was against mine? Even when he was fucking me in the most degrading positions it took a toy to actually force me to orgasm."

"Sirius, hush..." James kissed the top of Sirius' head, his eyes soft and sympathetic as he gazed at him. "You're safe now."

"It wasn't just him though, was it Wormtail? You let your friends have a go at torturing me until I couldn't scream anymore, you let them touch me, you let them use me and cut me and bite me..." Sirius gritted his teeth but fell silent. Peter refused to meet his gaze so suddenly he stood, slamming his hands against the cage so it rattled. "LOOK AT ME!" He screamed furiously, booting the prison. "LOOK AT ME YOU USELESS SACK OF..."

"Sirius...calm down!" James grabbed his shoulders and dragged him away, he slid his fingers inside Sirius' and forced him to drop his wand. "Shh, it's alright, let us ask the questions." Sirius shuddered and his breathing was harsh but finally he shook himself free of James and bent to pick up his wand, James made sure he returned it to his pocket. "Now, Wormtail, we have some questions for you...should you answer them as accurately as possible the Ministry may well take a more lenient view on your betrayal and simply imprison you for life..." Sirius spat into the cage but made no other move to interrupt. "If not when we retake the ministry you will find yourself on the receiving end of the only kiss anyone kissing you would enjoy...What do you say?"

Peter swallowed in terror as he locked eyes with James. "James...P-Prongs...old friend...I...I didn't mean to...Please, please let me explain..." He crawled forward on hands and knees, extending his hand but before his fingers could touch James' robes Sirius kicked them away.

"Don't you fucking dare lay a hand on him, you filthy little vermin!" He hissed, bearing his teeth furiously.

"It's fine Sirius." James said softly, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. "Will you tell me, Peter? Will you tell me why you betrayed me? What Lily ever did to you that made you want her dead? What my year old son ever did to deserve the fate you gave him?" James' voice shook only a little but his eyes were harder than steel and his fingers gripped his wand so tightly his knuckles were white.

"I...It wasn't my fault!" Peter said suddenly, gripping the bars of his prison and gazing desperately at his old friends. "I was afraid! He would have killed me!"

Sirius twitched violently but James held him back, however, neither of them expected Remus to draw his wand and aim it at the snivelling creature. "Then you should have died, Wormtail." He said, his voice colder than ice. "You should have died and..."

"YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE DIED FOR YOU!" Sirius screamed, James held him back.

"Lily was a kind and gentle woman, she was there for me when no one else was!" Remus whispered, his voice shaking. "I loved her like a sister, you betrayed her absolute faith in you...you betrayed James! Our brother...our friend! We were supposed to..."

"Remus, please." James muttered, placing a hand on his shoulder and embracing him. "It's alright...I'm alive."

"But at what cost?" Remus muttered into his ear, both of them watched Sirius lurking in the shadows, eyes flashing like steel blades as he prowled back and forth, tapping his wand against the palm of his hand as if itching to murder Peter. James sighed and nodded.


	44. Chapter 44

AN: So sorry for the long wait, I have been terribly busy and have only been able to do any writing at night because I have family over. :( Annoying relatives! Lol. Anyway, I hope you can forgive me, I haven't given up on this story I promise! Thank you all so, so much for your reviews, they are wonderful and I love them muchly! :D Just an FYI, this story will NOT be MPreg, if it was I would have warned at the beginning, and I refuse to write MPreg as it irritates me, unless a man can grow a womb he is not having children. :/ However, using a surrogate and the ideas of IVF, artificial insemination etc two men can have a baby, there are many gay couples who do this and I see no problem with it in this universe as if the muggles can, why can't the Wizards? (With a little Magical adaptations, of course) :) So, please enjoy.

_**Pride can stand a thousand trials**____**  
**__**The strong will never fall**____**  
**__**But watching stars without you**____**  
**__**My soul cries – Des'ree**_

The cellar was dark and cold, Peter sat in his corner and gazed at the wall, he had only been given a bucket for personal use and the scent of his own waste was overpowering, but he was unable to escape, he was unarmed and the enchantments surrounding him chained him to human form. He heard the front door close as his friends left and sighed as he leaned his head back against the cage.

"Well, well, well...It seems that finally we're alone, Rat."

Peter jumped and gazed with wide eyes at the figure moving through the shadows, light and dark played chase across Sirius' aristocratic features and made him look demented. "S-Sirius...I..."

"Shh...we don't know when they will be back, I wanted to talk to you." Sirius sat before the cage door and gazed at his prisoner, his robes were little more than rags, he had lost weight and his hair was balding in a patch at the very back. Dark shadows circled those watery blue eyes that Sirius had come to hate as much as his mother's voice. Peter swallowed in terror and moved to press himself right back against the back of the cage, Sirius grinned like an animal, his teeth as sharp as a dogs canines. "I'm going to let you out..." Slowly Sirius waved his wand over the lock, Peter watched as it fell to the stone with a clatter, the door swung open with a creak. "I wouldn't try anything though, you see I have enhanced the enchantments surrounding this place and there is no way you'll be able to change form." He slid back and watched Peter frozen to the spot, his eyes on the open door as if convinced it was a trap. "Come on, I swore to James I wouldn't hurt you..." Peter finally crawled out of his prison, Sirius smiled and suddenly grabbed him, his fingers tangled in a chunk of greasy, thin hair and yanked his head back. He poured a few drops of clear liquid from a vial he had hidden in his hand into his mouth as he struggled, when he was released Peter's eyes glazed over and he slumped against the wall. "That's a good little rat, now then, I want you to answer some questions for me..." Sirius adjusted his position so he faced his enemy. "Why do you have an obsession with me?"

Peter's eye lids flickered and he began to speak in a slow monotone. "I was always the odd one out. Remus is clever and mature, James is charming and good at quidditch, Sirius is beautiful and elegant. I knew I would never match up to the three of them, they were perfect together, they each had their own special qualities, and then there was me, small, fat and useless, I tried to fit in but I knew deep down I never would. When Sirius announced he was gay I thought that finally his friends would desert him and make me a part of their group instead, but it was soon apparent that they didn't care and then when we came back for our Sixth year I found out that Sirius and James were in some kind of sexual relationship. I felt hurt and bitter, they were so good together, they were perfect. I was pushed further into the background, even when James continued to chase Lily Evans. I became angry. Then, one night Sirius and James forgot to close the curtains around their bed and put up silencing charms, I caught them having sex, Sirius was on his knees and I had a good view of them both but it was Sirius' face that held my attention, he was more beautiful than he had ever been, sweat slicked his hair and his voice made me feel strange. I masturbated and came rapidly, the image has haunted me ever since, I began to wonder at night what Sirius would be like, James seemed to enjoy him, I wandered if he would ever let me have a go. I was too afraid to ask though so I just watched from the shadows. I never loved him, I wanted him because everyone else did, I wanted him because James had him. I wanted to become James, he got everything, he had everything. I wanted to know what it was like to be him, to have what he had, to experience all he had experienced, but because no girls wanted me I settled for blackmail. It worked, Sirius didn't want to have James hurt if Lily found out about the pair so he gave himself to me, it was wonderful. Since then I have been obsessing over him, I have been haunted by his face, his eyes and I have never wanted anything more. When Sirius is angry or sad he is truly beautiful, I like to see his face twisted by pain, it makes me feel as if I'm not the only one of us to suffer."

"Suffering? What have you ever known about suffering?" Sirius muttered furiously.

"I was bullied, no one really liked me at school, I was hated and even those who were supposed to be my friends bullied me."

Sirius shook his head slowly. "Why did you betray James and Lily?"

"I was afraid." Peter said slowly. "The Dark Lord would have killed me if I hadn't had told him, I didn't want to die."

"Coward." Slowly Sirius stood. "Enough of questions..." He lifted his wand. "I have wanted revenge for so many years now, I have hated you for what you did, for your part in Lily's murder, for threatening to destroy everything I held dear...all because you were afraid. Now I can have my revenge!" He grinned insanely. "Now scream, scream like you made me scream when I saw James' corpse!"

XXX

"James?"

"Yes?" James turned to Remus as they walked down the street, the sky was spattered with stars and the half moon hovered over their heads.

"Can you hear something?"

They both paused to listen, it was a second before James heard it, his eyes widened as a terrible scream rent the air. "Shit! That's Peter!" He broke into a run with Remus on his heels.

XXX

"They say that making a Horcrux makes you less human each time you make one." Sirius whispered, the room was dark and a ball of rags lay at his feet whimpering like a child, it twitched occasionally but Sirius wasn't looking at it. "I probably should be disgusted by this, by what I am doing...but I'm not." He chuckled roughly and finally gazed down at the ruined man at his feet. "I'm not killing you, I told James I wouldn't...but also because you don't deserve a quick death. You filthy pile of traitorous scum! I want to hear you beg for death, I want to hear you sobbing and see you on your knees before me...I want you to scream for a forgiveness I will never give you." He raised his wand once again. "Now, Beg! _Crucio_!"

Once again Peter's desperate screams filled the room, Sirius stood over him, smiling as he writhed and sobbed. He had no idea just how long he had been in the cellar with Peter, but each moment felt like an eternity, to be able to perform the Cruciatus to its fullest one had to enjoy it and Sirius found himself filled with an exquisite satisfaction as the screams pierced the air, his blood pounded in his ears adding a gentle drum beat to the music of Peter's agony, he shuddered and chuckled when once again he released the curse. "How do you feel? Do you want more?"

"N...No...P-please...please...I-I..."

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you. _Crucio_!" As Peter's agony filled the room he dropped his hand to his pocket and withdrew a flashing blade, the knife was silver and intricately carved, he had been given it by Bella and had used it to slit her throat. He smiled as he relieved Peter of his pain and dropped to his knees by his shivering body. "Shh...it's alright, do you want it to end?" He crooned softly as he rolled Peter over to see his face. "I can end it all with just a quick slice, you will bleed your life all over this floor...what do you say? Do you want to die, Peter? Do you want to die so that Lily can get her revenge?"

Peter's eyes flickered open and he looked into Sirius' face. "I-I...P-Please...no more...It...It hurts...Sirius...Please..."

Sirius smiled, he lifted the blade. "I'm quite merciful when I'm given an opportunity...Just remember, you don't deserve this mercy, the only reason I'm giving it is so that you don't escape and cause even more damage..." He leaned over him, the knife flashing silver in his hand as he wrapped fingers around it. "Good night, Peter."

XXX

"Sirius!" James cried and lurched forward. The cellar was lit by candles and highlighted the scene before him in an eerie orange glow, Sirius was leaning over a twitching body, at James' shout he sat upright and turned his head. "S-Siri..." James saw blood spreading across the floor, Sirius' hands were covered in it and his eyes were dark.

"I ended it." He whispered slowly. "He begged me to do it, James...It was either that or he would be insane..." He smiled. "Now he can't hurt anyone, ever again."

"Oh...Merlin..." Remus whispered, his eyes wide as they watched the blood spreading around Peter's corpse. "Sirius...what have you done?"

"I killed the traitor. I don't want you two to have blood on your hands, you're clean...I'm not." He looked down at his scarlet hands and flexed his fingers slightly, he pulled a face and stood up. "I need to wash...even his blood stinks." His robes were drenched in it, dark patches of wet blood glistened over his chest and arms. "He bled a lot...I was curious, I thought it would be blue." He giggled and wiped his hands on his robes absently, the knife in his fingers disappeared as he hid it in his pocket. "I didn't use the killing curse, the muggle way is messy but it's slower and I got to watch the light die in his eyes. I'm sorry, James...I know you wanted to let Harry see him but...Harry's a kind boy, he wouldn't want him dead and if he isn't killed he would just escape again and someone else would die...I couldn't stand it if that happened. This was the only way to end it."

James took a shuddery breath before wrenching his eyes away from Peter's body and back to his lovers, he stepped forward slowly and grabbed Sirius' arm, his fingers dug into his flesh. "What have you become?" He gasped, his hazel eyes filling with grief and a little fear. "The Sirius I knew would never..."

"The Sirius you knew died when he saw your corpse lying on the floor." Sirius yanked his arm free and stepped back, his face a mask of irritation. "I am what others have made me, James."James couldn't deny it, he knew what his friend had suffered, what he had lost and what he had been through. He opened and closed his mouth but no words could express what he was feeling, suddenly he grabbed Sirius' left arm and yanked the sleeve back, the flesh on his forearm was pale and unmarked but he ran his fingers down the bare skin as if his touch could reveal what he had been afraid to see. "You won't find it." Sirius murmured. "I didn't get the mark, I would never take the mark. I thought you knew me better than that." He sounded sad as James looked up into his eyes, a few spots of blood ran down one cheek like crimson tears, James lifted a shaking hand and wiped them away gently.

"I...I don't...I don't know you anymore." He whispered, his voice shook and his fingers tightened on Sirius' arm, his nails digging into the flesh and leaving pink marks. "I never knew you...did I?" He muttered softly, running fingers into Sirius' hair and watching those eyes glitter beneath the familiar ebony fringe, but it was as if he was gazing at a stranger.

"I guess not." Sirius replied, his voice tight as he saw disappointment and fear in his lovers eyes. "I suppose it should have been me in there, locked up for everyone's safety. Perhaps you should be afraid of me...of what I can do, of what I am willing to do..." He took James' fingers in one hand and lifted them to his lips, he kissed them softly. "I love you James, my love will never die and I will never let it...no matter what happens. I will die to protect you, Harry, Remus, Tonks and Remus Junior...I would kill to protect any one of you..."

"We know, Sirius, but this..." Remus waved a hand at the corpse. "This is the work of a Death Eater...of a mad man..."

"Perhaps I am Mad...I'm a Black." He shrugged and released James. "You have blood on you..." He lifted his wand and pointed it at his boyfriend's hands, with a whispered word the crimson liquid was washed clean. Sirius smiled. "There, now you never have to worry about whether Peter will escape, he can't hurt anyone, ever again."

James took a breath. "Go upstairs and wash..." Sirius walked past him but James caught his arm again. "Give me your wand."

"What?" Sirius frowned at his boyfriend who lifted his hand expectantly.

"I don't want you staining your hands any more than you already have, you will never feel guilty, I know this, but I can try and make you regret it...even if I fail at least I know I would have tried to save you from yourself. Please, Sirius, I love you, I want to help..."

"Do as he says...please." Remus asked softly and Sirius looked at him, finally he lifted his wand and reluctantly dropped it into James' palm. "And the knife." Sirius shrugged and let the knife fall to the floor with a clatter.

"Fine...what will you do with me now?"

"You'll stay locked in your room until we can work out just how dangerous you really are." James replied, his voice full of bitterness and regret, Sirius licked his lips and nodded before walking past his friends and up the stairs.

"Imprisoning him isn't the answer, James." Remus said softly as they heard the door slam. "It will be like chaining a dog up, he'll end up resenting us and eventually turning on us...it's cruel."

"I know...I just...I don't know what to do anymore!" He pushed his fingers into his hair as he gazed at the corpse of his betrayer. "What if he's a danger to Harry? To us?"

"I don't think he is..."

"How can we know for sure?" James turned to Remus, his face a mask of distress. "I love him, Remus, I will always love him...we're soul mates! But if he's a danger to my son...I...I have to protect Harry...no matter what."

"He may have changed, James, but I honestly believe him when he says he would kill and die for us...Harry would be safer with him than with anyone else in the world, I trust him in that respect, as he would trust us. He has already proven that he would kill for us, he was right when he said that Peter was a threat and the longer we kept him locked away the more likely we would make a mistake and he would escape and hurt someone else we love...In some ways Sirius has done us a favour..."

"But his soul..."

Remus nodded and looked at the blood congealing on the stone flags. "Yes, but was there any other way?"

James sighed but nodded. "No, you're right...you're always right."

"Not always." Remus whispered with his eyes glued to the dead man's face, a man he had known, trusted and even cared about for a very long time.

XXX

"There's been news!" Remus said as he rushed in through the door, it slammed shut behind him and he ran into the living room to find James in the sofa and Sirius sitting by the fire. "Bill Weasley has said that Harry's just turned up at Shell Cottage!" His face was flushed and he sat down heavily in an unoccupied seat. "He managed to get caught by snatchers..." James clenched his fist around the glass in his hand. "He's fine, but Hermione was tortured by the Malfoys to try and get some information out of her. They managed to escape with the help of the House Elf Dobby, but...Dobby was killed in the attempt apparently."

"So? What about Harry? What was he doing with the Malfoys?" Sirius asked.

Remus ignored Sirius' harsh gloss over the death of the little Elf and continued to explain in more detail about the escape from Malfoy Manner and the resulting tragedy. When he was done James sighed heavily and closed his eyes. "That Elf deserves my thanks, ten million times over..." He whispered softly.

Sirius gazed into the flames, his arms wrapped around his knees. "So, Harry's safe for now then?"

"Yes, Bill's-..." He was cut off by the appearance of a serpent in the centre of the room, everyone blinked at it until its jaws opened and a voice drifted into the air.

"Remus, Nymphadora has gone into Labour, you must get here as quickly as you can." The snake evaporated the moment it had delivered the message.

Remus gaped stupidly at the spot the patronus had disappeared until James yelped excitedly and grabbed him in a tight embrace. "Go! Go see your child born!" He shouted and pushed Remus out of his seat, take loads of photo's and tell us what sex and name! Go!" He ushered Remus out the door, the man still in shock as he was pushed into the street, the door to his cottage was shut behind him giving him no chance to back out. With a shaky breath he spun on the spot and apparated to his wife's side.


	45. Chapter 45

AN: Right, I can't sleep so I'm still writing, lol. Hope you enjoy this chappy! :D

_**I love thee with the breath,**__**  
**__**Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and if God choose,**__**  
**__**I shall but love thee better after death.**__**  
**__**- **__**Elizabeth Barrett Browning**_

Sirius gazed down at the photograph of the tiny baby boy, Remus was drunk and getting drunker, James was laughing with him as they celebrated the miraculous birth of the second Marauder child. Their joy filled the house, wiping the recent scene of death from the walls and making their hearts lighter. Sirius smiled softly and handed the picture back to the proud Remus. "Teddy Lupin, I can't believe that he's yours..." He said.

Remus beamed at him, swaying in his seat as he drank a fifth glass of wine on top of all that he had drunk at Shell Cottage. "I made Harry Godfather." He said, his words slurring only a little.

"Really? Brilliant!" James exclaimed, grinning happily. "He'll make a good Godfather."

"He will." Remus giggled and fell sideways to lean on his friend. "He's gorgeous, Jamie...He's so small, so perfect...I can't even remember why I was so scared...He's just like his mother."

That night, once everyone had gone to bed Sirius lay awake. He stared up at the ceiling with a sad expression, he felt lonely and empty, unfulfilled even as James wrapped an arm around him and snuggled into his side. Once again his melancholy overcame him, he sighed softly and closed his eyes as he tried to fall asleep, but it evaded him as he felt a slight pang of jealousy at the thought that perhaps he would never get a child of his own. He had no idea why continuing his line was so important to him, or why it made him so sad when he thought about never being able to leave behind a legacy if he were to die, but he did and the more he thought about it the more he longed for it. He wanted that connection, he wanted something to love and give everything he had never known, but most of all he wanted to create something that would be a part of both him and James, a connection stronger than even the Horcrux. He could see a little figure in his mind's eye, with James' messy black hair and his eyes, he could hear that childish laughter ringing through the house and he smiled softly to himself.

"Mmm...can't you sleep?"

Sirius turned his head to find two eyes gazing at him, he smiled and shook his head. "No, but you go back to sleep, I'm fine." He kissed James' forehead gently. "I'm...sorry...for hurting you."

James shifted in his embrace. "Hurting me? You have never..."

"I have. I murdered Peter and my cousin...It's only natural that that should hurt you..."

"I suppose...but I still can't stop loving you, Sirius. Maybe I'm stupid."

"Not stupid, just...silly." Sirius smiled sadly and ran fingers through his boyfriends hair.

"What have you been thinking about?" James asked.

"Nothing..."

"Don't lie."

Sirius paused and rolled onto his back, he covered his eyes with his arm. "I want a baby, James." He whispered. "I want...I want what you and Remus have...I have this feeling in my bones like something terrible is going to happen, and before it does I want to bring life into this world rather than take it away..."

"Then find someone who is willing to donate some genetic material and do it...Before it's too late."

Sirius turned to face James, his eyes were unreadable. "It can only be you, James."

"Sirius I..."

"No, please, listen." He kissed him on the lips and pulled away. "I want to give you what Lily did...I want to have that same connection that you both had...Peter was right about one thing, you and her had a stronger bond than we ever will, that bond is Harry. You fused parts of yourselves to create that little miracle...I want that! I want what you two had...it's driving me mad knowing that she could give you something so precious, something I never could...until now."

"Sirius, I said I would think about it..."

"There's no time." Sirius looked into his eyes, both hands on either side of his head and his gaze intense. "I don't know why but I get the feeling something's coming, something terrible...before that happens I have to know if you'll be willing to...to have a child with me."

"I..." James looked into his eyes and saw the desperation there, he could understand Sirius' desire, it was the most basic of human wants, but something was holding him back. He was reluctant to give Sirius this one thing, for some reason he didn't want to give Sirius the same thing he and Lily had shared, it was the one thing that made their relationship so different and he was reluctant to give it up. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "Sirius, I'm so, so sorry but I..."

Sirius swallowed his pain. "Alright...I understand. Go back to sleep..."

James watched as Sirius climbed out of bed and threw on some pyjama bottoms, he left the room and James rolled over and covered his face with both hands. "I'm an idiot." He muttered into the dark.

Sirius sat on the doorstep, his eyes on the stars and a glass of whiskey in one hand, he sipped it as he watched his namesake flicker above him. He was disappointed but not surprised, he could understand James' refusal, but he couldn't let go of wanting his own baby. The idea had taken hold and he couldn't shake it off, he had never thought about it until recently, it had never bothered him but now he was finding himself jealous of a dead woman. A chill wind blew hair around Sirius' face as he leaned against the door frame and stared out at the night, he sighed softly and downed the rest of his drink before lighting a cigarette. He remembered Lily and all the old jealousy, bitterness and rivalry welled up with the memory of her face. He closed his eyes and lowered his head to his knees, she would always be there, haunting James' footsteps with her fiery red hair and beautiful green eyes, she would always be looking back at him from Harry's face and worst of all she would always have James in a way he never would, all because she was female. "Shit..." he whispered bitterly. "Looks like in the end...you win...Lily..." He wrapped his arms around his knees and shivered in the cold, but he didn't move. He didn't want to. With a pang of grief he realised that James would hold onto Lily's memory forever, he would always love her and the thought hurt more than he could have thought. With Lily still in the picture he would never, for as long as he lived, have James' heart to himself and that small, jealous and selfish part of him wanted to have all of James.

The moon drifted beneath the horizon and Sirius stood up on shaking legs, an empty bottle of whisky rolled away and he ignored it as he walked down the path. He stood and turned towards the door again, he slipped back inside and closed the door. He pulled out a blanket from a cupboard and lay down on the sofa, he watched the glowing embers of the fire until sleep claimed him and he dreamt of green eyes and red hair.

XXX

"He isn't right, James." Remus muttered as they stood before an unconscious Sirius. He lay on the sofa, one arm dangling over the side where an empty bottle of wine had fallen from his fingers, hair fell across his pale face and his chest rose and fell. "What happened between you? He's been drinking heavily, he hasn't said a single word to you for days..."

James gazed down at his friend for a while in silence before he spotted a small, silver ring lying by the fire. He bent and picked it up. "I gave him this..." He whispered as he rolled it between his fingers. "He...he's taken it off..."

Remus gazed at it and sighed. "What happened?"

"I don't know...he seemed fine until..." Then he remembered the night Sirius had asked him to help him become a father, he closed his hand around the ring tightly. "It's my fault." He said. "He wants a kid..."

"I know...what's that got to do with your ring?"

"He asked me to become a father again and I...I couldn't...I didn't want to do it..."

"Why not? James, Sirius can't have a child any other way."

"I know but...I have a son, I have Harry and a child growing up with two fathers is weird. There's so many things wrong with this that I couldn't..."

"It's Lily, isn't it?" Remus put a hand on James' shoulder. "I know that Harry is the only thing connecting you to her now, but...but she's dead, James. Harry can't bring her back...you need to learn to move on. Sirius is offering you a future, he's giving you the chance to forge a new connection on a level beyond the Horcrux."

James bit on his lower lip, he shook his head but before he could speak Sirius interrupted him. "It's always Lily." He muttered through a yawn, he sat up and rubbed sleep from his eyes. "At the end of the day James will love her more than he will ever love me, I accept that now. I understand, I can't do anything about it, it's high time we moved on." He refused to meet James' eyes, lest he waver in his decision and stop himself from finally breaking whatever it was that held James and him together. "James can move on with his life without me always holding him back, he can find a new girl, someone he can love and cherish...our relationship is unhealthy, it's...it's wrong and when Harry finds out he'll be disgusted. It's better this way, Remus."

"Is that...Is that what you want?" James asked, his voice breaking as his heart stuttered in his chest.

"Yes." The word escaped him in a whisper, barely audible over the noises from outside.

"I-I see..."

"I'm returning to the mansion, so you don't have to feel awkward, I'll put up the proper protections and stuff, you don't have to worry. Once I'm gone you'll be able to get over me..." Finally Sirius lifted his eyes to James', they sparkled with an exhaustion that went beyond the physical. "It's time I let you go." He croaked, his smile was wonky as he stood and began folding up the blanket. "I'll leave today...before I change my mind."

James watched as emptiness filled him, his hand was clenched to hard around the ring that it dug into his palm. "Sirius..."

"Please don't." Sirius muttered, keeping his back to James. "Please...I'm begging you, let me do this."

"Sirius, you don't have to do this..."

"No, Remus, I do." Sirius bundled up the blanket and put it in his hands, he smiled weakly. "I'm happy for you, Remus. Tell Dora I'm proud of her too..." he kissed him on the temple and moved away again. "Right...I-I suppose I'll see you around...good bye."

When Sirius had left James collapsed onto the sofa, he buried his head in his hands and sat still. "Sirius..." He whispered as Remus sat by his side and pulled him close.

XXX

The mansion was musty and smelt of mould and dust, Sirius stepped in through the doors after placing the most powerful enchantments around the grounds, he felt shaky and tired so he collapsed into the nearest chair and lay there until sleep dragged him under.

He spent most of his time sleeping or gazing out of windows. He walked the mansion like a ghost, lost in memories of his lover, of laughter, of tears and joy and pain. He felt an emptiness fill him and he let it, he didn't want to feel anything anymore. His only reason for living was to keep James alive so he continued to exist, even if he was practically a ghost. Day and night blurred into one long, meaningless vacuum, he felt nothing, he did little except eat and drink when he had to. He wandered the huge house and listened to the echoes of screams and anger, he could almost hear his own tears, his own childish cries as his father had beat him senseless once again.

He dwelt in an odd kind of half-life, he was numb and he lacked a purpose. His existence was almost meaningless, if it wasn't for the fact that he was the only thing keeping James alive he would have so easily slipped into a deep sleep and never woken up again. But he had to keep on, because James was one of the few things he cared about.

XXX

James sat in the tiny little office before a gobsmacked Healer, she gaped at him as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Look, I know you know who I am..."

"Mr. Potter...B-But...But everyone said...everyone thinks...oh my! This is..."

"I am very much alive, it had to be kept secret though...for obvious reasons."

"Oh, yes...of course, I understand." The woman managed to pull herself together and James shifted uncomfortably once again. "Very well then, what can I do for you?"

"I want...I want to know if it is possible to make a child using two sets of male DNA?"

The woman paused in the act of shuffling her paperwork, she raised an eyebrow. "That is...unheard of, Mr. Potter."

"I know, but just listen to me, please."

"Very well."

"Well...I-I..." He sucked in a sharp breath and leaned forward. "After my wife died I fell in love with my best friend, he's male." He watched her expression curdle but plunged on, despite his reservations. "He has recently told me he wants to have a child with me, he's gay so he can't procreate with a woman, it wouldn't erm...work. We want to make a family of our own, please, can you help us?"

The woman gazed at him in disproval. "This is very wrong...a child should be brought up with the influence of both male and female, I don't think that bringing a child up in such...unusual conditions will benefit it. I would recommend you try to dissuade your..._friend_ from taking such actions, for the benefit of all."

James frowned. "What so just because we're a same-sex couple that means we can't bring a child up? I have a son, as you're well aware, he was brought up by both his aunt and uncle who treated him like rubbish! At least Sirius and I would love our child and bring it up to the best of our ability! How dare you try and tell me that it's wrong! I have just as much right to create life with my boyfriend as you do!"

"You cannot even compare..."

"Shut up and just listen would you?" James snapped, he didn't like the disproval written over her face, it made him angry. "Sirius and I have as much right to be able to raise children as any straight couple, we can love, we can feel, we can do and be everything a straight couple can. Just answer my questions. Is it possible to somehow create a child using same-sex genetic material?"

The woman's mouth pursed in disproval but she shifted a paper and answered. "Yes, I believe it could be...however you would still need to find a woman willing to carry your child and birth it."

James nodded slowly. "Thank you. Next, would you be willing to do this for us?"

The woman looked up, her eyes narrowed and James could almost read the thoughts passing through her narrow mind. If she refused and James took it public, she could easily lose her job due to the fact that he was practically a celebrity, the public may disprove of the fact that he was in a romantic relationship with a man but they could still end up siding with him purely because of who he was and what he represented. But if she agreed she could still lose her job for risking an unborn child and exposing it to such atrocities as having two fathers, she was undecided.

"I will have to speak to my boss, if you would be willing to come back in a few days and we can discuss it further."

James stood. "Thanks, I appreciate it." He said but the woman's eyes were still full of disgust, he shrugged and turned away.

XXX

James sat on his bed, he was shirtless, his chest bare except for a white bandage covering the top of his right arm right down to the elbow. He swallowed nervously as he peeled the bandage off to reveal the wound left by Fiend Fyre, he gazed at it and felt a heavy dread settle in his gut. The wound still looked as if it had happened yesterday, it was bleeding sluggishly through the hard calloused scab covering it, it wept red and black like tears. "Shit..." he whispered and lightly ran a finger over the horrible burn. He now understood that a Horcrux could be destroyed, that it had to be damaged beyond repair to be killed...and as he gazed at the wound he felt a tiny shiver of fear...did he really wish to die again?


	46. Chapter 46

AN: I apologise for the ridiculously long wait, I know I'm not updating as fast as I was but I have been swamped with redecorating! My room is nearly done but I still have to help my parents with the rest, lol. So, I am truly sorry but I promise I have NOT abandoned this story, I am still writing, just...slowly. :/ Thank you for all the support and the reviews, I am grateful!

_**We loved with a love that was more than love.**__** - Edgar Allan Poe**_

James moved slowly up the sweeping driveway, the mansion came into view through the trees as he reached the door. His hood was pulled low over his face as he lifted his hand and knocked.

Sirius heard the knock and frowned, he picked up his wand and moved towards the door carefully, the hall was silent except for the soft snores coming from the portraits lining the stairs. He pulled on the snakes head door handle and the heavy thing swung in with an ominous creak to reveal a dark cloaked figure. "Hello?"

"Sirius..." James pulled down his hood to reveal his face. "Can I...can I come in?"

Sirius nodded curtly and stepped aside, James moved in through the door and followed his friend into a room. Once they were both sat down he began to speak. "I...I went to St. Mungos." He said slowly, his eyes on his hands as they twisted together. "I spoke to the Healer in charge of the Artificial Reproduction Project and...and she said that it could be possible to combine two sets of male genetic material...I...I also wanted to apologise." He swallowed and finally looked up at Sirius. "I love you and I don't want to leave you." He said in a rush so the words blurred together.

Sirius considered for a while before shifting in his seat. "If we stay together I will always be overshadowed by Lily...James...I'm not sure if I can do it."

"I can't deny that I will always love Lily, she will always hold a place in my heart but...but you're alive, Sirius. We're alive and she's dead...there is no competition because my heart is big enough for the both of you...please, I don't want to lose you! I'm not interested in anyone else, I only want you. Please come home."

Sirius eyed him for a long time. "What about Harry? What will happen when he discovers that his father's having sex with his best friend?"

"He will have to deal with it." James said firmly. "Remus reckons that the Muggle world is a little more tolerant than ours, he thinks that Harry will accept it so long as we're careful what we tell him."

"You mean lie?"

"No, I mean that he doesn't need to know that we were having an affair."

"I see..." Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I want you James, I want you more than I have ever wanted anything...but I'm really not sure if we can make this work..."

"Why? We've done it so far, what's the problem?"

Sirius slid from the sofa and knelt before James, he looked up into his eyes through his fringe and put both hands on his thighs. "I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with Harry not knowing everything...Jamie...I'm tired of lying. To myself, to others...I...I've been lying to myself for a good portion of my life, about my sexuality, about my feelings for you...It's _hard_ and I don't think I can do it anymore. It's not just that...what will happen when the rest of the Wizarding world find out? What will they make of the Father of Harry Potter fucking his male best friend? What will they say when we...when we have a child together? Will Harry really want a baby brother or sister knowing it was produced by two men? There's just...so much to think about..."

"But I thought..." James frowned as he gazed into Sirius' pain filled eyes, he reached out and stroked hair from them.

"I do. I want a child more than anything else in this world Jamie, but..."

"There's always a _but_!" James snapped and stood up, Sirius fell back slightly and watched James cross the room. "I love you, you love me...what's the fucking problem?"

"We can't be together." Sirius whispered, his gaze boring holes into James' back. "It won't work, we've proved that much. I will never stop loving you but we..."

"Fine." James grabbed his cloak and swung it about his shoulders, refusing to meet those silver grey eyes. "I'll go then." Without another word he stormed off into the night.

Sirius remained where he was, sat on his knees and when the door slammed closed he bent his head and punched the sofa cushion where James had been sat. "Shit." He whispered in a soft, broken voice.

XXX

James picked up the hair brush from the dresser, in it were several long hairs. He sat down on his bed, the bed he had shared with Sirius and gazed at the hair for a long time before picking one out and gazing at it. "Genetic material..." He whispered and smiled bitterly.

XXX

Sirius inhaled a lungful of acrid, strangely scented smoke and held it. He let it leave his lungs slowly, the thick white smoke drifting up towards the ceiling, he gazed up at the water spots and rotting stucco while the two men he had brought back from the muggle club with him gossiped quietly. He closed his eyes and sighed as someone took the spliff from between his fingers and he felt gentle lips against his, obediently he opened his lips and let a hot tongue slide into his mouth. He moaned softly into the deep kiss even as another mouth began attending his throat, hands crept down his chest, pausing at the waistband of his jeans. He kept his eyes closed and remembered a time long ago in the Forbidden Forest, with sunlight streaming down through the leaves and heated hands caressing his body.

XXX

Remus knocked again on the heavy door, he shivered and glanced over his shoulder nervously. When he turned back around the handle was being turned and it swung open, he almost smiled until he saw Sirius leaning heavily against the door frame and blinking sleepily in the sunlight. He had dark circles beneath his eyes, which were bloodshot and his skin was parchment white. "Remus..." He croaked and stood aside. "Come in."

"Thanks..." Remus stepped into the luxurious entrance hall and glanced again at his best friend. "You look...awful..."

"Thanks, it's comforting to know that I can always count on you..." Sirius shook his head and moved towards the living room, when they entered a low fog hung up by the ceiling and a dirty mattress had been laid out on the rotting carpet. Remus pulled a face as Sirius threw himself down onto it and removed a packet of cigarettes, he offered Remus one who declined with a shake of his head. "So...have you come to berate me for living in a state?" He muttered around his cigarette as he held a match up to it.

"No...but I..."

"Siri?"

Remus turned and saw a tall man standing in the door way, he was wearing white underpants and nothing else. Sirius turned and looked at the man. "What is it Jhon?"

"...It's Neal..." The man replied with a frown. "You have no hot water."

"Oh...then have a cold bath."

"Ugh...this place is horrible...I'm leaving." He picked up his stuff and shoved himself into his jeans before walking towards the door, on his way past he leaned into Remus. "He's an amazing fuck, but don't stay for too long...there are spiders here that would scare Chuck Norris."

Remus raised an eyebrow and watched the blond leave, when the door had shut behind him he folded his arms across his chest as Sirius lay back against the stained mattress and put his arm behind his head. He wore blue jeans, his feet were bare and he wore a black cotton vest that left his arms bear. "So, what brings Moonykins to my door?" he muttered through a cloud of odd smelling smoke, Remus sighed and sat down beside his friend, he leaned over and took the spliff from Sirius.

"You." He said and took a drag before coughing violently, much to Sirius' delight. "...Ugh...I'm worried."

"I'm fine, Remus. There's no need to worry."

"Oh really? And I imagined that complete stranger here did i? Am I imagining that spliff in your fingers, or the piles of empty alcohol bottles by the front door or in the entrance hall? Don't be so ridiculous Padfoot, I can see that you're not coping."

"I'm coping fine, so what if I drink or get stoned or even take a few random lovers? They're always Muggles, they know nothing. I am surviving...isn't that all that matters?"

"What about Ja-..." Sirius cut Remus off mid sentence by kissing him, Remus' eyes widened and his body went rigid but finally Sirius pulled away but his hand lingered on the back of his neck.

"You're still handsome...you know that?" He whispered, running a finger down a scar that travelled down his throat to his chest. Remus grabbed Sirius' hand and squeezed it gently.

"I love you Sirius, but I'm married and I have a kid...we can't go back there. Not ever."

Sirius smiled and nuzzled his hair. "And that's why I'll always love you, Remus...you're just so fucking perfect! A family man, a man built to live the perfect life, with a wife, a son and eventually grandchildren, great grandchildren...Christ...you're amazing and so, so lucky."

"I'm not, I made mistakes just like everyone does, it's just that I made up for mine...Sirius, about..."

"Shh." Sirius shook his head, pressing a finger to Remus' lips. "I don't want to hear it. Whatever jumped up reason you have in that pretty little head to try and get James and I back together, it's not going to work. Stop being so...Remus-y."

Remus tried and failed to hide the small smirk. "Remus-y? Is that even a word?"

"It is. It means; to be reasonable to the point of stupidity." Sirius smiled and cocked his head to the side, his long hair slid across one shoulder. "And to be loyal, loving and beautiful all at the same time."

Remus smiled and kissed Sirius gently, he pulled away and sighed. "Then at least get dressed and come with me, I want you to meet my son."

Sirius sighed and a grief stricken look entered those grey eyes for a second before it was covered again and he nodded. "Yeah, alright...I'll meet little Teddy Lupin."

XXX

The child lay in the crib sleeping when Sirius arrived, he gazed down at Teddy Lupin and found himself smiling a smile he hadn't worn since Harry had been born. He reached in and ran a finger down his cheek. "His hair's purple..." He whispered.

"He changes it every so often...we're still not sure if he's got Dora's hair or mine." Remus replied with a big grin.

"He's beautiful...really beautiful."

"Thanks..."

"Oh, hello...when did you get here?" Both men turned to see Dora and her mother standing in the doorway. Sirius straightened and smiled.

"A minute ago, you look good Dora."

"Thank you, Sirius."

"Sirius!" Andromeda swept past her daughter and pulled Sirius into a tight embrace, he returned it with a soft smile and eyes full of memories. "It's been too long...far too long...I was so happy when you were cleared of murder...I...I worry still."

"I'm fine Dromeda..." Sirius muttered as he pulled away. "Honestly."

"You hardly look it, you're too skinny and you're so pale! Really now, what have you been living off, tinned food? Stay for dinner, I will make sure you get at least one decent meal inside you..."

XXX

James leaned on the wall of the front garden of the cottage and gazed up at the sky, he could clearly see that red star flickering and glittering like a tiny ruby amidst a black satin sky and surrounded by diamonds. He sighed and closed his eyes, wishing and hoping that Sirius was alright. He wanted to know that he was safe, that he wasn't in trouble or dead. He needed to know. He was so tired it was difficult to keep upright yet no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many potions he took, he couldn't sleep. Every time he tried his dreams were filled with soft black hair and silver eyes, of sharp laughter and soft hands and gentle whispers of sweet endearments... "Sirius..." he muttered to the star, it continued to flicker in response to his musings, always high up, always indifferent.

When next James lifted his head to look up at the Dog Star he felt a sudden, violent shudder tear through his body, his eyes scanned the sky. He searched everywhere. His eyes found only darkness. He gripped the wall so tightly his knuckles were white, his eyes stung as he gazed at the empty sky...

XXX

Sirius walked slowly up his driveway, the gravel crunching beneath his boots. Something seemed to tug at his mind and his eyes drifted upwards, the sky was utterly dark. Not a star gazed down upon him. The moon was dark. His hands went cold and his heart skipped a beat, he turned slowly on the spot wandering what was happening that could cause such a strange phenomenon. His last cigarette fell from numb fingers and he blinked slowly as a terrible creeping dread seeped into his bones, he took a shuddery breath and shook his head slowly. "Not yet." He muttered to himself. "Not yet...still...so much to research...please..."

Yet he knew time was growing short, he had so much to look into, so much to do...he couldn't let anything happen until he had found a way out of his predicament. With a short breath he turned and ran towards the mansion, hoping desperately for salvation.

XXX

When the call came Remus was standing in his baby's room, hand in hand with his wife. He felt the odd burning sensation in his pocket and frowned as he dug around and withdrew a fat golden galleon, given to him by Dumbledore's Army so that they could contact the Order if there was an emergency.

There, written on the coin were words every freedom fighter was hoping for;

_Harry Potter has returned._

He looked up from the coin and into Dora's eyes, they all knew what the re-emergence of Harry would mean, they all knew that the last battle, the last desperate attempt to save their world would come...but his heart ached. He hated leaving his wife and child alone, he hated the thought of the possibility that he would die and leave them both alone. But, what choice did he have? Slowly he pushed a hand into her dark hair and smiled weakly into her face. "I have to." He whispered in answer to the unspoken question on her face. "I have to help protect the future...for you for my friends but most of all...for Teddy."

Dora took a shaky breath and wrapped cold fingers around his wrist. "I understand. Go. Go be a hero...but...come back, please."

"I love you, both of you." He leaned down and pulled her closer, their lips met in a slow kiss that seemed to last for an eternity.

XXX

James stood up slowly, Remus' face was grave as they looked at each other. "Let's go." He muttered and grabbed his cloak. Together they walked out the door, it closed behind them with an almost final thud.

XXX

Sirius was already standing at the door, his hood pulled low over his face as his friends approached. "I got the message...let's go kick some Death Eater arse." He growled.


	47. Chapter 47

_**If we don't end war, war will end us.**_

The stars returned in a blaze of glory as the Marauders reached the Hog's Head pub in Hogsmeade, they pulled their hoods up over their heads and snuck inside. Aberforth greeted them with a gruff, irritable nod before letting them into Hogwarts through the secret passageway behind the portrait.

Once inside they were greeted by a group of students and the remainder of the Order of the Phoenix, James searched the room eagerly and eventually his eyes landed on his son. His hair had grown out and he had stubble on his cheeks but apart from a few scratches and bruises he looked well enough, James smiled and tried to move towards him but there was no time. The Order gathered and the battle began its first stage.

When Harry had got over his shock at seeing the Room of Requirement so full he announced that they were fighting, a roar went up from the gathered people and they began filing out, squashing Harry flat against the wall. James was carried past his son with the crowd and he was unable to get a word in as people patted him on the back.

The Great Hall was full of people as McGonagall stood before them issuing orders with Shaklebolt at her side. The severity of the situation sank into Sirius' heart yet he had a hard set to his mouth and his fingers clenched around his wand, once the orders were issued they began moving out. He followed Remus and James to stand guard in one of the many hidden passageways and await the battle.

Once there the three friends made themselves comfortable and awaited the inevitable.

"If only Dumbledore were here..." Remus whispered as he sat down on a step and rested his head on his knees, Sirius put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"He is, you know what he used to say...He would never truly leave so long as there were people in the school who were loyal to him. Now the school's full of us." He muttered and kissed Remus on the side of the head. "We'll be fine, Remus."

"You know what I hate?" James muttered, he was leaning against the wall with a dark, brooding frown on his face. "I hate that I never got to speak to my son, I hate this waiting..."

"I know." Sirius replied softly. "It's worse than the fighting."

"At least in battle you don't have time to think." James muttered, he pushed himself away from the wall and began pacing back and forth, his robes and cloak dragging across the stone with a soft hiss which in the brooding silence seemed too loud.

"I hope Harry is alright." Sirius muttered softly, simply to attempt to alleviate the tension. He let out a soft breath and twirled his wand between his fingers, he watched the black wood and ivory inlays blur together.

"So do I. I wanted to tell him how proud I was, how much I have longed for the day when we will be reunited..." James paused in his aimless pacing and put his hand on the wall, he lowered his head. Sirius stood and slipped behind him, gently he put a hand on his shoulder and leaned close.

"You will, James. I will make sure of it. I will have your back in this fight, no matter what I will do everything in my power to make sure that you see Harry again."

James smiled at the gentle touch and leaned into it unconsciously, for a moment as he closed his eyes he was transported back in time. He felt that insatiable hunger rise within him as he breathed in Sirius' scent and the smile that touched his lips was soft and full of love. "Thanks, for everything Sirius. If I die..."

Sirius leaned closer, wrapping his fingers with James'. "It won't happen." He breathed against the back of his neck. "I promise."

Remus looked away as James turned in Sirius' arms, he pulled him close and their lips met in a gentle kiss. Sirius gazed into those eyes, eyes that would change colour depending on the light, right now they were dark brown with golden flecks and shimmered with a mixture of fear and excitement. James lifted his hand and pushed them into Sirius' hair. "Then I will make sure I do my job as your Horcrux and protect your life as if it were my own..."

"It is your own, if you die then I die."

"As it should have been from the beginning...We should have died together."

Sirius sighed and pressed his forehead against James', his hands shook slightly as he gripped his robes. "Yes, I should have gone to my grave the day I saw your body...I was selfish and I let myself get carried away...I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter, not now. We're together in these last moments and that's all that matters."

Sirius smiled softly and they looked at each other, Remus watched from where he sat by the statue, he saw one of their inexplicable silent communications pass between them before James kissed Sirius deeply.

XXX

Outside the castle Death Eaters stood awaiting their signal to attack, the barriers protecting the place were powerful but not strong enough to keep such a huge force out forever. Whatever the Light were planning was futile, they all knew that the Dark Lord was more powerful now that he had the Undefeatable Elder Wand. Yet there were some who shifted nervously, they had been nervous since discovering that Harry Potter was still in the country, they had been nervous since they had realised that perhaps their Lord was not quite as strong as he made himself out to be...could he really be defeated by a mere boy?

Voldemort suddenly turned from the silent castle, his crimson eyes glittering in the darkness. "Begin." He said in his high, chilling voice and as one the Death Eaters raised their wands...

XXX

The grounds shook violently, Sirius slipped sideways but was caught by James, Remus climbed to his feet and looked about. "It's begun." He whispered.

Sirius swallowed and the three remaining Marauders gazed at each other. James was first to hold out his hand, the others followed suite, clasping each other with pale faces and glittering eyes. "This is it...we have to help my son do whatever it is he needs to do to defeat Voldemort..." He said in a voice that was rapidly losing its nervous shudder.

"And we will." Sirius grinned as a massive explosion echoed down the corridors and the first screams rent the air. "To the Death, Prongs."

"To the Death, Padfoot."

"To the Death." Remus whispered in reply and smiled faintly. "We'll meet again."

"Always." Both James and Sirius chimed together, grinning like two school boys who knew nothing of their own mortality. With a sudden sharp bark of laughter Sirius released them and spun on his heels. "Here we go!" He called as he ran towards the fighting.

James nodded once to Remus, clapping him on the back before running off in the opposite direction to Sirius. Remus remained a moment and tipped his head back; "Live, both of you." He whispered in a way of prayer to whatever deity was watching over him and his friends.

XXX

Sirius skidded around a corner and immediately encountered his first enemy, the Death Eater was tall, his mask spattered with blood and gore stained his robes. He lifted his wand as Sirius approached but before his lips could form words he was hit by a red bolt of light from the end of Sirius' wand, a thrill of excitement missed with utter terror ripped through him and he laughed wildly as he ran forward again, jumping over a faceless corpse, ignoring its silent cry for attention. He had work to do, bloody work.

He skidded and nearly slipped in a pool of some kind of liquid, he regained his balance but not before having to dodge a jet of bright green. It hit the wall where his hand had been seconds before, he spotted the Death Eater who had cast it and grinned as he retaliated with his own spell, the man crumpled with a grunt but another ran forward to take his place. Heat flashed past Sirius' face, creating a gash across one cheek, he winced and slashed his wand, the spell hit his opponents shield and shattered it, Sirius took that moment to duck down and tackle him to the floor. He tore off his mask and threw it away, it clattered to the stone and Sirius gazed down into an ugly, pockmarked face he recognised. He grinned and pointed his wand into it, enjoying the way Mulciber's eyes widened in terror. A flash of acidic green and those eyes glazed.

XXX

James saw a short figure duelling with a dark robed Death Eater, he saw the school kid fall with a scream and he rushed forward, engaging his opponent. He gritted his teeth as they fell into the familiar deadly dance, his wand moved with blinding speed as he realised he was being pushed back into a wall. He dodged a flash of light and ducked another as he tried to move away from being trapped, the wall shattered behind him as he lunged to the side and rolled to his feet in one fluid movement. His wand came down through the air as he hissed the spell to put more force behind it, the Death Eater screamed as a hole was blown into his chest and blood spattered the floor. He fell with a final thud. James ran to the boy's side and bent over him, his eyes were open but glazed as he clutched his arm to his chest, blood ran from between his lips as he tried to talk, James hushed him and held his hand. "It's alright, we'll get you some help..." He moved to lift the curly blond boy into his arms but something heavy hit him in the back, he fell back to the floor with a gasp and rolled onto his back, he found himself looking into a face he knew well. "Greyback!" He hissed and the Werewolf laughed.

XXX

Remus' spell shot from his wand and he watched the Death Eater fall, Kingsley did an odd series of complicated looking movements and the gaping hole in the wall sealed itself off with a grinding shudder. Remus sighed and wiped sweat and dirt from his brow, he looked around and saw corpses everywhere, children and adult alike, old and young, light and dark, all lying dead together. He sighed softly and turned away, they could bury and mourn later, for now he had work to do.

"Remus, McGonagall wants you up on the fifth floor." Kingsley said in his soft soothing voice, Remus nodded.

"Thanks." He muttered and took off.

When he reached the fifth floor it was eerily quiet, he could still hear the echoes of the battle but it was muted somehow as if he was far away or perhaps dreaming, he stumbled upon a hole in the wall surrounded by corpses both human and Arachnid. The giant spiders were still twitched, he recoiled in disgust as one clicked its fangs before stilling once again.

"Remus!"

He spun at the sound of that stern voice and smiled as he saw Minerva limping towards him helping an injured student to safety. "Professor..."

"Francis, take Jill to the Great Hall and see Pomfrey." She handed the girls limp form to her friend who had clear tears running down her cheeks and dusted herself off. "Now then, Filius is having some problems holding the west wing, he needs back up...if you see anyone else tell them they are needed in the East and South as well..."

"Is it that bad?"

"Worse I suspect." Minerva pulled herself together before moving away. "Send word to us if you see Potter!" She called as he rounded a corner with a flick of robes.

Remus ran on, he encountered little to no resistance, there was much evidence of fighting but for now the area seemed to be experiencing a lull. He moved through the halls and passed silent rooms until he came across a crowd of people standing before another breach, he saw Flitwick issuing orders in his high, squeaky little voice as he stood on a chair and conducted his wand like a baton in an orchestra.

XXX

Sirius burst through a pair of doors, firing at the nearest Death Eaters who were too surprised to retaliate, he took them down easily. Suddenly there was a flash of movement from the corner of his eye, he spotted a flash of white-blond hair and a cold voice calling over the chaos;

"DRACO! DRACO!"

He smiled to himself as he took off after the man in black. He followed until they reached the Entrance Hall, and that was when an almost deafening voice split the air.

Everything seemed to freeze as Voldemorts voice called off his attack, they were told to attend their dead and give way to a temporary ceasefire. Sirius hadn't realised they had been fighting for that long, it was as if he had been only minutes on the field but his aching arms told him otherwise. He took a slow breath as the Death Eaters began retreating, the defenders let them leave as they collapsed with fatigue or injuries. "Shit!" Sirius swore loudly and turned back towards the Great Hall.

XXX

James entered the Great Hall where everyone had been told to gather, his eyes searched the area but he couldn't see his son, he chewed his lip in fear until he heard a loud scream. He turned and saw a line of dead placed down the centre of the Hall, mourners drifted among them like ghosts. At the far end, where the Teachers normally sat during feasts he spotted a crowd of red-heads. He sighed sadly and shook his head before his feet took him towards the dead, he slowly began walking down it gazing into the dead faces of child and adult, of strangers. He sighed heavily feeling sad that they had lost so many...then, something caught his eye, a small flash of colour.

He blinked. He couldn't be seeing what his eyes were telling him he was...surely? He took a few steps closer and his breathing caught in his throat.

"James!"

He spun around and found his arms full of Sirius, strong hands gripped him tightly as he pulled away and Sirius grinned at him. "You're alive!" He gasped.

James could only nod, his throat was dry and useless. He couldn't even think about anything, his mind was buzzing with the shock of it. He gripped Sirius tightly, pulling him closer and buried his face in his hair. His whole body shook with violent shudders. "Jamie...what's wrong...?" Sirius muttered as he extracted himself gently, James shook his head, swallowing the hard lump in his throat.

"S...S-...Siri..." James whispered, burying his face in his hands as what he had seen crashed over him like a wave. His knees gave out and he fell to the floor with an anguished cry. As James collapsed Sirius got an unimpeded view over his shoulder. Lying in amongst the row of dead lay a woman with a pretty, heart-shaped face and shockingly violet hair, her hand lay in that of another...Sirius felt his heart skip and gorge rise as his eyes widened. He stepped closer to the two bodies and fell beside them, with a strength he had not known he possessed he grabbed Remus' cold body and pulled it to him, a vain attempt to bring him back. He shuddered and groaned as grief overwhelmed him, he tipped his head back and gazed up through his tears at the star-spattered ceiling. "No!" He moaned, rocking back and forth whilst he cradled Remus close. "It's...It's too cruel! No..." He shook his head and closed his eyes as arms wrapped around him and he felt James hold him.

Together they sat in silence, allowing the fact of their best friend's death wash over them along with the cries from the wounded and the sobs of grieving. Sirius' tears dried up as he held Remus' head in his lap and gripped Tonks' cold hand in his own. He gazed down into their faces, it was strange, in death they seemed more at peace than they ever had in life. James sat at his side, leaning against him as he was slumped with exhaustion, he was smoking slowly and watching people pass them by with blank eyes. Sirius finally released Tonks' hand and leaned down to kiss Remus on the forehead. "Find peace, dearest of friends." He whispered hoarsely, he did the same with his cousin and smiled as he stroked hair from her eyes. "Know that your son is in good hands, we will make sure he is."

James felt Sirius shift but he didn't move, his limbs felt too heavy and even though his tears seemed to have ended he was still numb inside except for a massive, gaping hole where his friend had been. His hand shook as he took comfort in the familiar repetitiveness of moving the cigarette to his lips and back again.

"Jamie?" Sirius whispered from his side, he didn't look up but Sirius took that as a sign to continue. "D-Don't...don't die..."

James shook his head slowly, taking a deep drag on his cigarette once again. "...Don't leave me..." He replied hoarsely after a long moment of silence.


	48. Chapter 48

AN: A sad chapter but I hope you enjoy it. I may add an Epilogue as I sometimes do, but I'm not sure yet, let me know what you reckon to this last proper chappy! :D Thank you a million times over for your devotion, you have kept me going through this story and have given me so much confidence to work harder! I hope I have lived up to your expectations.

_**"**__**The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death**__**"**_

James' limbs felt like lead as he leaned against Sirius and gazed down into Remus' peace filled face, he swallowed hard and shifted slightly, Sirius put his arm around him and drew him closer. "It's...only us now Prongsy." He muttered.

James nodded mutely and slowly prized his gaze away from the dead, he turned them on the living and saw, to his surprise, his reflection gazing back at him. It clicked suddenly that Harry was standing by the doors to the Great Hall, his face was white as a sheet and his hands clenched into fists at his sides, he moved away and swung a silvery cloak over his shoulders before disappearing. James tried to move but his legs refused to obey him, he swore softly as Sirius caught him. "Harry...I need to go see him..."

"I'll go, you stay and rest." Sirius whispered and brushed a smudge of dirt from one cheek as he smiled softly. "I'll keep him safe."

"Thank you, Padfoot."

Sirius stood up, running one hand through his lank, dirty hair before loping off out into the hall. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to detect Harry by scent, at first it was difficult to distinguish the scent of blood and soot from any other, but then he caught the scent of burning, blood and something that reminded him forcefully of passionate nights spent beneath the stars and moon. Harry smelt like James. He smiled to himself and followed his enhanced nose.

The grounds were dark and almost empty, Sirius traversed it easily, avoiding the bodies and bits of stone lying scattered over the blood and dew soaked grass. He could now see slight depression in the grass where feet had obviously been so he followed them, listening intently for any sound other than his own heartbeat. Ahead of him were a few loan figures picking through the debris and gathering the dead, one of them seemed to be speaking to someone, Sirius drew close enough to pick up what was being said. Harry's voice was instantly recognisable, he was telling the other boy, Neville, to kill the snake. Sirius frowned, confused by that, but assumed Harry knew what he was talking about.

Sirius followed Harry's footsteps right into the forest, he heard soft whispers of trees as a breeze blew through them and then he finally lost his way. Harry's trail was gone and he was unable to pick it up again, he searched the ground until he was finally forced to light his wand. The light splashed against the ground highlighting the leaf mulch and dirt, roots and tangles of vines, but no sign of the boy.

It was the sudden absence of sound that alerted him to the presence of another, he hardly had time to spin around before he was blown off his feet with a flash of bright red.

XXX

James sat on a bench, he had never felt more alone as he watched people comforting each other in hushed voices, he listened to the sobs of the grieving but it all seemed little more than a terrible dream. He had felt grief before, many times, but nothing could have prepared him for the terrible feeling that everyone he loved and cared for was slowly being torn from his grasping fingers, he sighed heavily and leaned back against the wall, in one hand he clutched a goblet full of water, he could hear the soft tinkle as his hand shook its contents, he couldn't stop the steady rise of fear as it wrapped its freezing fingers around his heart and squeezed. The night was cursed and he was almost certain that before it was over he would be subjected to more loss and gut wrenching grief.

He didn't know how long he sat there for but he knew it was a long time, the Hall was slowly growing quieter as people began dozing fitfully or trying to assimilate their situation. Abruptly, like a knife slicing through the air they heard loud, caustic laughter from outside. James was on his feet in an instant, he leapt towards the doors, running ahead of most others, he jumped down the steps and out into the lightening grounds. He ripped his wand from his pocket as a massive crowd of Death Eaters marched towards them...their laughter sent jolts of dread through James Potter's soul until he was almost sick, he trembled as he felt the rest of the survivors pouring into the courtyard around him.

He could hear mutters, soft whispers and questions; what was Hagrid carrying? Why were the Death Eaters so happy? What was happening? But somehow, James thought he knew exactly why they were so happy...

He couldn't hear what Voldemort was saying through the roar of blood in his ears. Everything was oddly muted as if someone had placed cloth over his head. His eyes remained glued to the small, seemingly lifeless body grasped in the arms of the giant...James' shaking increased. He looked at his son as his wand dropped to his side, despair overwhelmed him until he wanted to scream. Harry looked little more than a child in Hagrids arms and that was how James saw him, a pudgy little boy in blue pyjama's laughing at the smoke rings that erupted from James' wand...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed suddenly, his voice echoing through the grounds like the scream of a dying dragon. His throat was raw and his body weak beyond anything he had ever experienced, yet his legs took him forward, he broke into a sprint as he ran for his son, he only wanted to hold him, to pull him close one last time, to tell him that he was there now, that he would protect him...he wanted to tell him how badly he regretted missing so much of his life, he needed to tell him that everything was going to be alright now because he was there and he would die to protect him.

Sirius was bound almost head to foot in thick chains, he was on his knees, head bowed and a gag forced between his teeth. He gazed at the ground with wide, blank eyes as he relived Harry's death. The way he had fallen as if he were little more than a puppet with his strings cut, the way his body had crumpled beneath him and the awful, empty thud as he had hit the ground...He could think of little else until a scream more terrifying than all the Dark Magic in the world rent the air like a siren, his head jerked up and his eyes widened as he saw James running towards them, people tried to stop him but they were too slow, everything was too slow and Sirius was forced to watch as James ran. Without thought he managed to remove his own gag using his tongue, his own scream was loud enough to make his guards wince. He shut his eyes and screamed James' name with all his strength, yet, he was unable to block out the flash of green and the thud as something heavy hit the floor.

It was like someone had ripped him in half. He screamed again, this time out of pure, unadulterated agony as pain tore through him. his body went rigid and trembled, his arms strained against his bonds as he gasped and his eyes flew open, he threw his head back and gazed up at the dawn filled sky as the world held its breath. Slowly, ever so slowly Sirius Black took a shuddery breath and moved his head so he was looking out across the devastated courtyard.

He knew it even before his eyes landed on his body, he knew even before Voldemort laughed. His whole universe toppled and fell as he bent double and emptied the contents of his stomach over the floor and the sky went black.

XXX

Sirius remained on his knees and stared ahead of himself, his captors were laughing and celebrating their apparent victory or were they scared? He couldn't tell, he didn't care. His world had ended and his whole reason for being had been ripped from him as easily as a silk scarf, he was not even half a man, he was nothing and he wanted to end everything. Why should people be happy in a world with no sun? Why should the sky be blue or the stars shine without James? How could they still be talking, muttering, joking and laughing and even _fighting _when everything had been burnt to ash and bitter tears?

Sirius simply lowered his head and awaited his own death, he knew it would soon follow James' he was as much Voldemorts enemy as James had been. It took him a while to realise that the loud, popping noises were the evidence of people Dissaperating, and the whole tone of the surrounding noises had changed, as if someone had changed the channel on a muggle television set. Slowly, like a man trapped in a nightmare Sirius looked up and saw that there were a lot less Death Eaters than there had been...but the strangest thing of all was the sudden cheers, the renewed fighting and the shouts that surrounded him.

They were cheering. Everyone was shouting a name...

_Harry_.

Harry was still alive. That stirred something in Sirius, he knew with a sudden vibrant clarity that all was not lost, that James would want him to protect Harry at whatever cost. The thought gave strength to his limbs and his mind seemed clearer than it had in years, with a manic grin he concentrated on the chains binding him, they shattered like shards of ice and tinkled to the floor. Sirius stood and found his wand lying on the floor where one of his guards had abandoned it before fleeing, stooping he picked it up and wrapped fingers around it. "I will do this for you...Jamie." He muttered softly before hardening himself, he felt weakened, but knew that he had to make sure that if Harry lived he would know about his parents, about how much James had loved him. A grin split his face as he broke into a run from standing and pelted towards the Castle.

_Voldemort's chest rose and fell rapidly, and Harry could feel the curse coming, feel it building inside the wand pointed at his face._

"The true master of the Elder Wand was Draco Malfoy."

Blank shock showed in Voldemort's face for a moment, but then it was gone.

"But what does it matter?" he said softly. "Even if you are right, Potter, it makes no difference to you and me. You no longer have the phoenix wand: We duel on skill alone... and after I have killed you, I can attend to Draco Malfoy..."

"But you're too late," said Harry. "You've missed your chance. I got there first. I overpowered Draco weeks ago. I took his wand from him."

Harry twitched the hawthorn wand, and he felt the eyes of everyone in the Hall upon it.

"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it?" whispered Harry. "Does the wand in your hand know its last master was Disarmed? Because if it does... I am the true master of the Elder Wand."  


_A red-glow burst suddenly across the enchanted sky above them as an edge of dazzling sun appeared over the sill of the nearest window. The light hit both of their faces at the same time, so that Voldemort's was suddenly a flaming blur. Harry heard the high voice shriek as he too yelled his best hope to the heavens, pointing Draco's wand:_

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Expelliarmus!"

The bang was like a cannon blast, and the golden flames that erupted between them, at the dead centre of the circle they had been treading, marked the point where the spells collided. Harry saw Voldemort's green jet meet his own spell, saw the Elder Wand fly high, dark against the sunrise, spinning across the enchanted ceiling like the head of Nagini, spinning through the air toward the master it would not kill, who had come to take full possession of it at last. And Harry, with the unerring skill of the Seeker, caught the wand in his free hand as Voldemort fell backward, arms splayed, the slit pupils of the scarlet eyes rolling upward. Tom Riddle hit the floor with a mundane finality, his body feeble and shrunken, the white hands empty, the snakelike face vacant and unknowing. Voldemort was dead, killed by his own rebounding curse, and Harry stood with two wands in his hand, staring down at his enemy's shell.

XXX

Sirius sat upon the steps of a battered Hogwarts, he gazed unseeing up at the sky with tears he didn't know he was shedding falling slowly down his face. His wand hung limply in his hand as he listened to the mixed sounds from within the castle, it was little more than background noise, a soft rise and fall to the melody of his pain. He hadn't been able to gain the courage to see James' body, it would have been too much, he had sworn to himself that he would have found a way to prevent James from dying, even if it meant separating their Horcrux connection, but he had been too late. The call to arms had come before he could do anything more than read books, he had been too late and now his failure slept an eternal sleep by the side of Remus in the Great Hall. He lowered his head and curled his knees closer to his chest, resting his forehead against them as he listened to the grief-tinged joy radiating from Hogwarts at his back.

Sirius Black was now alone, utterly devoid of purpose. Harry didn't need protection, he never really had, and now what did he have to live for? Remus dead, his brother, his friends, his lover...all gone, forever, he stifled a sob and wiped the tears away, ashamed of himself. When he next looked up he could see the beginnings of a perfect day, the sky high and blue and clear with a brilliant yellow orb that hung low over the horizon as day filled the world with a light and warmth that refused to touch the shattered remains of Sirius' soul.

_**Five months later...**_

The knock startled Sirius into dropping the fork in his hand, it clattered against the stone floor and skidded away beneath the kitchen unit. He swore loudly, standing up and making his way towards the door, the portrait of his long dead mother eyed him with distaste, yet he managed to ignore it as he swung the door open.

"Sirius." Harry smiled at him from the front step.

Sirius returned the smile weakly, even months on from the last battle he still found smiling difficult. "Harry! It's good to see you, come in!" He stepped aside and let the boy enter. "Tea?"

"Erm...no thanks, I can't stop for long, I'm meeting up with Ginny..."

Sirius raised an eyebrow as he moved back to the kitchen down the dingy hallway of twelve Grimmauld Place. "Oh really?"

"Yeah, she and I are..."

"Seeing each other again? Yeah, Ron told me, that's really good, I'm happy for you." He was, he knew that soft glow warming his chest must have been something positive, but emotions were very difficult for him to grasp and sometimes he sat for hours feeling nothing at all. Once they had sat down Sirius turned to his Godson. "So, why are you visiting this lonely old dog when you should be out getting laid?"

Harry flushed and avoided Sirius' intense gaze before clearing his throat and forcing his eyes back. "I received a letter..." He rummaged in his jeans pocket and withdrew a parchment bearing the green and red wax seal of St. Mungos. Sirius frowned. "It was addressed to my father, I think that the owl delivered it to me because we share the same name...Um...It's..." He struggled with his words for moment, trying to find the right way to bring the topic around. Finally he decided to treat it like a plaster, rip it off as quickly as possible to lesson the pain. "It says that you and dad have a baby girl awaiting you in the maternity ward..." He winced, he had read and re-read the letter over a hundred times before finally sending an Owl to Hermione to tell her about it, she had laughed at him and explained the way two men could easily have a child due to the advancements of new technology in both magic and science, but still, he found it very odd that he now had a baby sister with two fathers.

Sirius gazed at him as if he had gone mad. "I...what-now?"

"The parchment...it says that;" Harry looked down at the crumpled paper in his hand. "Mr. James Potter, we are writing to delightfully inform you that your surrogate has just given birth to a healthy baby girl, she will, by your insistence, be named Mira Lily Black. She will be ready to pick up in a few days, after we have run some basic tests to make sure she is in top health. Congratulations." He trailed off, suddenly not willing to look up and see Sirius' face, he had no idea just how close his father and godfather had been...even after all of Hermione's hints and teasing. Finally he gathered his Gryffindor courage and looked up to see...shock made his jaw drop. Sirius was staring into the distance, his eyes wide with surprise but he had clear drops of liquid falling down his cheeks.


	49. Chapter 49

AN: Ok, I know many of you will be wandering why the previous chapter was so short, this is because I tried to convey the Brutality and suddenness of losing a loved one. In the following Epilogue I hope to flesh the events out through memory and retrospect, as I have found in my own grieving process it is easier to see more when you look back than it is in the moment. Hope that explains my lack of description/detail. :)

_**In Retrospect...**_

The graveyard lay quiet beneath the stars, the nearby church silent and its windows dark. Night fell gracefully over the scene like a shroud, covering the stones old and new in peaceful darkness. Further in the village there was a sudden roar of chatter as someone left the only pub, laughter echoed through the air shattering the peace before dying away once again. In the shadows of the bushes and tangled trees a cat moved stealthily through the undergrowth, it turned its lamp-like eyes towards the church where a soft pop revealed two figures as the appeared from no-where. As they moved forward the cat streaked off into the distance.

"Lumos." The soft whisper drifted through the air, bourn upon the gentle summer breeze.

"This way..." The slighter member of the group led the way wandering through the stones and odd tree until they halted before a large stone made of white marble, it was so pale it glimmered in the dark, almost glittering in the light from the men's wands.

Sirius Black gazed down upon the stone beneath which lay his best friend and his long dead wife. He read the inscription and felt the familiar pang of grief and regret, the dirt was covered in grass but he could clearly remember watching them re-dig the grave and place the body inside. It was a terrifying memory, surrounding a grave side with only a few others and knowing in his heart that he would never see his best friend, his lover again. As he gazed at the name etched into the stone his heart clenched and his eyes burned...

"_Today we gather to lay to rest a great man." The wizened man spoke in a dry voice as the wind drifted through the trees, making them rustle and creak, the dark clad figures who stood around the yawning grave were silent. Sirius watched with a terrible numb detachment as the coffin bearing the corpse of James Potter lay beside the wound in the earth. "...He died once to protect his most beloved son from what he thought was almost certain death, only to rise again and finally be struck down for good. We will never the less remember James Potter for the large role he has played in the fate of the Wizarding world..." As the man droned on Sirius couldn't help but feel that the man was speaking nonsense, he didn't know James, he wasn't talking about how his smile could light up a whole room, about how his laughter would fill ones heart with joy or about the way he had used to ruffle his hair up at the back to try to impress the girls. The man didn't know about the numerous pranks or the intense bond he had shared with his dearest friends, he didn't know about the way he could sooth Sirius' anger just by stroking the hair from his eyes, or how, when he kissed, he would move his tongue in ways that would drive a vicious spike of intense fire right into Sirius' gut. The man would never know of the deep intense love and unbounded loyalty James had bestowed upon his friends, or that he had never, ever let them give up no matter what. Eventually the man trailed off in his long, boring speech. "And now we will commit James Potter to the Earth, who will say a few words?"_

_There was a pause, Sirius felt Harry shift at his side and thought for a moment that he would step forward to speak but he didn't, instead Sirius spoke, his voice roughened by emotion and he was unable to tear his eyes from the coffin. "James was..." He began and stumbled over his words, he forged on, it was the least he could do. "...he was...a bastard." He breathed in a sharp breath, there were a few mutters of laughter but it didn't last. "He was a prankster, I-I...I'll always remember that gleam he got in his eye when he came up with a particularly cunning plan, he was cruel sometimes but...but there was always an innate sense of responsibility that tempered it. James was my best friend...he was my life, my universe, my soul and..." he sighed heavily and wrapped his arms around himself. "And I'll love him until the day I die." He whispered. "A peice of me goes with him to the after world and I'm glad, because at least he didn't die alone." _

_The silence was uncomfortable but finally the old man gave them permission to place flowers upon the coffin. They did so in silence, Harry first, Sirius next and so on until the top of the coffin was awash with great crimson, white and pink roses. As the coffin was finally laid in the earth Sirius felt his heart break again, as if he was watching the last of his world crumble to dust. He shuddered as grief tore at his broken soul, rending him speechless and immovable, he fell to his knees as they covered James over with soil. Slowly people began drifting away, some muttering pointless comfort to him, some putting a hand on his shoulder and more walking from him in silence. He was left alone, Harry having gone off alone to visit the house that for him, his parents had died. Sirius sat on his knees for so long his legs went numb and the sky darkened, again and again he heard James' scream in his head, echoing through his mind like a sword. He relived the flash of green light, and the dull, muted thud of a body hitting the floor. He once again re-lived kneeling beside Remus' body, feeling his cold skin pressed to his, gazing into his slack face. He had lost them all. His friends, his only family and he was alone..._

_Except..._

Sirius woke to loud screaming, he groaned and pushed the blankets off of himself and swung his legs out of bed. Slowly he went down the hall and pushed open the door to his brothers old room. It had been fairly easy to turn into a child-friendly bedroom, the cot had been his as a child which he had found in the cellar. The wood was black with silver ravens painted upon the sides, it was a beautiful peice with soft white cotton drapes and satin ribbons. He leaned over the cot and smiled down into it where a small, dark haired child screamed and waved her arms. "Hush, Mira..." He whispered as he lifted her from her blankets and began rocking her back and forth. He gazed into her blotchy red face and remembered his first sight of her.

_The woman came towards Sirius holding a bundle wrapped in white cloth, she smiled and handed the thing to Sirius who took it with fear and awe on his face. He lifted his hand and gently moved the cloth away from the sleeping babies face. The first thing that struck him was that she was so tiny, her hands were clenched into fists and her eyes shut as she slept. He felt a small smile tugging at his lips and gently ran a finger down her cheek. "Hello Mira, It's me, your father." The child's eyes flickered and slowly, her eyes opened. Sirius felt his smile widen, her eyes were dark silver, he laughed softly to himself as he fell instantly in love with her. She was perfection personified, and she was James' last gift to him, a last bid to bond them both forever and the deepest expression of their love that he had ever given Sirius._

Sleep, O Babe, for the red bee hums,  
The silent twilights fall.  
Eeval from the Grey Rock comes  
To wrap the world in thrall.  
A lyan van o, my child, my joy,  
My love and heart's desire.  
The crickets sing you lullaby  
Beside the dying fire.

The lyrics rolled off his tongue as he rocked the crib and watched his daughter sleep, she had changed greatly in the months since he had first met her and he could now see that her hair stuck up at the back just like James' had. He smiled lovingly, singing softly as his daughter fell asleep once again. "I love you little one." He whispered and leaned in, kissing her gently on the forehead before standing again and retreating as quietly as possible. As he returned to his room next door and lay down on his bed he turned his head and gazed at a picture he had of himself, Remus, Peter and James. They all stood together in a line, grinning like loons and looking like nothing in the world could taint their happy, perfect world. Sirius sighed...

_His body lay on the cool stone floor, he could feel people around him but he only had eyes for James. He reached out with a shaking hand and gently closed those beautiful hazel eyes, it was a moment before the realisation really hit him; James was dead. He was gone for good and nothing, no amount of magic could bring him back again. Agony swelled in his breast as his breathing came short, his body was wracked by violent shivers and dimly he heard a whisper from Hermione; 'Let's leave them alone now Ron.'_

_Sirius was grateful, he had no wish for people to see him shatter, not like this. It was painful and he wanted to be alone, then he felt someone kneel at his side and he turned his head to see Harry gazing down at his father's body. "I...I've...lost him twice now." He said in a soft but bitter voice. Sirius didn't know what to say, he couldn't handle his own grief let alone ease someone else's so he remained silent and gazed longingly into James' face until the world around him faded out of existence._

It was the hardest thing Sirius had ever done, to take each new day as it came, to force himself to wake up every morning, to put one foot before the other. It was as if someone had filled his body with lead and moving took more energy than it had any right to, and yet he continued. He ate three meals a day, he went out to shop for essentials, he forced himself to go for walks but deep down he knew with an iron certainty that he was only doing it for one reason; Mira. The child had become his driving force in James' place, he was living to ensure her safety, to give her a chance to grow up knowing that someone in her life loved her as she deserved, giving her the chance to grow into a fine young witch and live a happy life. He was living solely for his daughter and the thought of her galvanised him even when at night he lay in bed, clutching her to his chest simply to try and find some way of holding James again...to feel a heartbeat beside his own. On nights like that he shook as sobs of desperate longing and suppressed pain assaulted him, he let his tears fall into Mira's ebony hair and cling there like a net of diamonds. He swore to himself that she would know her other father, that she would know what a brilliant and good man he had been and that she would always know that he would have loved her.

"_Sirius, are you alright?"_

"_Of course, Dromeda." Sirius replied as best he could with a tight smile. His cousin had come by to meet his daughter but also to bring him some food and make sure he was looking after himself, she was pleased to see that he was. _

"_I understand how difficult raising a child is, if there is anything I can do, please call me."_

_Sirius nodded. "Thank you, but we're alright."_

_Andromeda smiled softly down at the girl in her arms. "She is perfect, the Black gene's are obvious in her, she will be beautiful."_

"_Of course, she's James' daughter." Sirius replied softly, his smile became suddenly much more natural and adoring as his eyes landed on his daughter._

James' grave was a pale glimmer in the early evening, like a star in a dawn sky. Sirius knelt before it with tears in his eyes as he lay upon the ground a bunch of perfect Lily's interspersed with the star-shaped blooms of Asphodel and pink carnations. Harry leaned closer and admired the flowers, in response Sirius spoke; "Asphodel means 'my regrets follow you to the grave' and a pink carnation means 'I'll never forget you'...The Lily's are for your mother." Slowly he stood, his knees creaked ominously and he grimaced as he stood beside Harry, his long hair whipping around his face as the wind picked up.

"Regrets? What regrets do you have?" Harry asked softly, eyeing his Godfather curiously.

"That I never got to be with him properly, that we could never really be whole and happy together, that something always managed to tear us apart even if we always did come together again. We were never truly happy, not like your mother and James...there was too much against us, the world would never have accepted us, no matter if we had stayed together or not. People are narrow minded and foolish, our relationship was doomed from the moment we began it, James knew this but I refused to see it. I allowed it to blinker me, even when it came to who would become secret Keeper for your parents, some part of me was afraid that if James and I argued or we decided never to speak again it would endanger the whole thing so I pushed them into accepting Peter telling myself and others that it was for the best, that no one would ever suspect the rat to be Keeper." He laughed bitterly. "It is my fault they died...it is my fault James died during the final battle, I could have stayed with him but I..." He faltered and shook his head. "So many regrets but I will never stop loving him, 'til the day I die I will love your father with my whole being."

After a while Harry left Sirius alone at his parents grave side, he turned back once to see his figure standing tall beside the stone, the wind whipping and tugging at his hair as he lowered his head. Once again Harry turned away, he wished he had the power to ease his Godfathers pain, but perhaps this was how it was meant to be, Sirius was using the grief he felt over James' loss to bring himself closer to James and if that was what was needed, Harry thought, so be it. He would be with his Godfather as often as possible to give him some company and attempt to alleviate a little of his pain.

_**Eleven Years Later...**_

Mira gazed at herself in the full-length mirror on the wall, she was eleven and about to embark on her first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was tall for a girl of her age, with short, boy-ish hair that stuck up all over the place, but she knew she was pretty, with wide silver eyes and a small, perfectly straight nose. Her cheek bones and facial structure were aristocratically beautiful, even at her age. She smiled happily to herself as she heard her father call for her. "Coming Dad! Stop being a worry-wort or you'll get wrinkles!" She snapped back, smiling despite her irritation. She took one last look at her image in the mirror, straightening her t-shirt and baggy shorts before running down the stairs of her ancient house, taking them two at a time. When she neared the bottom she spotted her father beaming proudly at her, she leapt forward from the top of the last set of stairs, flying towards him and landed in his arms.

"Whoa! Careful there, you might hurt yourself." Sirius said as he put her on the floor gently.

"No I won't, you always catch me." She said with a wide, cheeky grin that Sirius imitated.

"What are you wearing?" Sirius eyed her attire with confused eyes, Mira rolled her own. "Where are the pretty dresses 'Dromeda got you?"

"Ugh! How many times do I have to tell you? I hate dresses! They're annoying and get in my way, also, how can I play-fight wearing a dress?"

Sirius grinned. "I have a daughter who acts like a boy, what have I done?!" He laughed, a sharp bark that stirred the myriad of paintings that lined the corridor. "Shall we get going then?" She nodded and together they left the house.

Platform nine and three quarters was packed as usual, the train sat glimmering in the station and belching steam into the atmosphere. Sirius smiled happily, feeling a nostalgia that was so powerful he could almost hear the laughter of four, innocent boys as they scrambled to the train to get the best compartment. He watched his daughter gaze around with an awe filled expression as people pushed and shoved around her, as they reached the train she turned to her father and grinned.

"There you two are, I was worried you would be late!" A regal looking woman came striding from the crowds with a boy following at her heels, his hair was a mop of golden curls and his eyes a striking cornflower blue that Sirius knew would change the instant he got bored, when those eyes landed on Mira the boy grinned and ran over to her, he punched her in the arm and she punched him back.

"Hello Andromeda, Teddy." Sirius said, nodding to the boy who nodded back and continued to play-wrestle with Mira.

"How are you?" Andromeda asked, the glint in her eyes alerting Sirius to the fact that she was asking about his emotional well being, Sirius smiled.

"I'm fine, really...I'm happy to see her growing up...it's nice to see her smile."

Andromeda cupped his face with one hand. "You are a good father, Sirius, but I'm concerned...Without Mira with you what will you do?" Sirius shrugged. "You must get lonely, Sirius I...I really think you considered finding someone..."

Sirius' eyes darkened. "I'm fine, Andromeda...I don't need anyone but Mira."

"But I..."

"Enough." Sirius' face softened and he sighed. "After James died I nearly lost the will to live, but I managed to keep myself from falling into utter despair by concentrating all my efforts on her, I devoted my entire life to make sure she had everything I never did. I want her to be happy, nothing else matters. My own love life died with James, I will not love another...Please understand that I'm far from lonely, I have Mira, I have Harry...I'm actually reasonably happy."

Andromeda pursed her lips in an almost perfect imitation of Sirius' mother, her eyes narrowed briefly before she conceded defeat. "Fine, but I will be here for you if you do get lonely. I would enjoy a visit."

Sirius smiled and, as the train whistled alerting the remaining students that it was time to leave he turned and pulled his daughter into an embrace, knocking the air from her lungs. "I love you."

"I know, Daddy. I'll write I promise."

"Don't cause too much trouble and be nice to professor Longbottom, he has done much for this world."

"I will, Dad...I have to go."

Sirius reluctantly released her and watched her pull her trunk onto the train. She disappeared from view momentarily before reappearing with Teddy in a compartment window, they pulled it open and, as the train lurched forward and began rolling past, she blew Sirius a kiss.

As Sirius watched the train move away he could hear soft laughter in his ear, gentle arms around his shoulders and the whisper of breath; _She'll be alright, Siri, she's our daughter..._

Sirius knew it was true and, with a last wave he turned from the platform with a smile and Disapperated with a pop.

_THE END_

END NOTE: Thank you all so much for sticking with me through this tumultuous journey, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you all so much for your continued support and I hope to bring you more joy with later stories, don't forget that I have two profiles now one is called; rosa suscipit and I have a new profile under the same name (Kimmimaru) on Adultfanfiction . net which may have one or two stories you have not read on it. Feel free to check it out if you wish. Anyways, thanks again, keep writing and keep reading, my love, Kimmimaru. XXX


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